July 2025
June 2025
6/21/22 20022
Some good some bad today; but the recovery process continues
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I felt great and elated at times today; And then when I tried to act like a valuable person; I was ostracized.
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I felt ostracized and made to feel like an outsider at the meetings today by click people; Those in a clik. They have no conscious; think there better then other people.
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I was put down when they all get together in the same room; I get bullied kind of; put down… They try to make themselves a superior group and leave me out; However, considering the nature of the people; and not all of them do this; but enough… Its like someone spitting in my face and not accepting me. Age plays a role in this; Not having any primary relationships plays a role in this. Im actually twice the age of many...
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When your a man never with a girlfriend? I get ostracized. The nature of the wannabe wolf packs…
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And this is a pack a wolves. Its small things.... it feels like being played or looked over as less then. Its not fun; but I will still show up to get the recovery.
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So; anyway… and don’t ask me to prove it! I don’t need to prove anything…
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Nothing is new under the sun accept to learn to not let my guard down. I can allow myself at times to feel apart of… But thinking people are on my side is ridiculous.
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So; its a bit hard today…
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THE GOOD NEWS;
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I was watching a you tube vid… it showed this couple from the 1960’s married; newly weds… I could feel the whole thing and for a moment I saw myself or felt myself; a spiritual engine with in me start to move forward with time; begin to move… I could feel it in space; it means Im catching up to independence of marriage; meaning I will be married at some point. Im catching up to the independence of that.. and Ill become that; And I can feel it; like the universe is expanding… I was expanding with it.
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So; this is an independent state; something I haven't felt since childhood. IT means Im growing again; growing toward those things I have goals for.
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MONEY; Well now; in my imagination its much easier to see myself walk over in an imaginary world; walk down stepping stones to an opening in a glade; and a large bag full of money; and I pick it up and carry it close to me as if its my lover; and I walk back through the stepping stones; I sit down with it and I began to cover myself in money and throw it everywhere… as if I own it and its mine and Ive tempered it. Very little resistance. This is another great step forward in my imagination; and in my imagination is where it all starts… Its much easier for me to pick up a bag full of money in my imagination; I feel an adorability and love for money. Possessive; for my Bad a money. Pure love! Love for money! Luv for monnnnnny!
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Trucks; Well; Im working on it; nothing so far; Ive done visualizations of driving; nothing so far in my imagination. I don’t really understand accept it might be something so far off its not present or possible to have a car at this time .
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Good chance I do not yet have the maturity for a vehicle; I mean; like Im light years off from that. I may have to go through a calculated simulation of middle class family growth experience; as if I came from a middle class family and was growing in my childhood years and teen years in a safe secure environment ( in reality I was not). God will have to supply it; and then when I hit the right age emotionally Ill be ready; but a family will be necessary; a substitute; God will know what to do here. Who to bring.
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it could be Im so triggered from the past; a past I cant get back; a broken dream a broken life stolen; PTSD comes up all over the place and Im separated from myself again.
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So; Im guessing that the horrors of the past have to be replaced and I have to work through the teen years of my life and before that… Ill work with God on it that at one point; Ill own those years and not the scum I remember or the PTSD… Its like Im locked up in chains from those time periods. I cant move. And I think that has something to do with my arrested development concerning a vehicle. I mean; Ive got arrested development on all subjects anyway… I do. So; all of it needs to be looked at.
Im dissociated when I think of a vehicle. I see or feel terror; Like someone who cant afford a car but has one and doesnt know what to do.
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The Truck problem; it hits right in the middle of the trauma period. However, at least I can see this; I mean; I can see how trucks and cars were kept from me while I was kept in a psychological cage. And that is part of all this.
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No maturity for work; and freedom of work creates wealth and wealth creates trucks. Im not saying its the only way to a truck; God can bring me a truck if I believe and money without ever doing traditional work.
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I was also spoiled beyond comprehension in my pre teens years; I guess? ; the same people that raped me and treated me like an animal also; my brother would con money from them to buy things for us; and he would get me a used car; they would pay for it. I had several of them given to me from my brothers brokering with them. I even had a new one once… It all meant nothing to me; it was all a haze of nothingness and fear; because I was so violated over n over n over; I was completely mentally ill or I would have never gone back around them; but I was completely trauma bonded. Maybe I thought that because they were buying me; maybe that meant they were trying to be family ; but sadistic child rappers and psychopaths do not want to treat me nicely nor do they care about things like families. The sycophants were never safe for any human being to associate with.
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This is a hard thing. The same people that raped me gave money away freely; these monsters… they broke me completely into more deeper horror of mental illness and then bought us so we would keep coming back to them; I felt like I was in a prison… and I felt totally useless and destroyed. I didn’t care about anything or life; nothing mattered anymore; all things of value were taken from me. Its like being in a cocoon brought on by abuse and being rendered useless by being bought all the time. Nothing mattered; no dreams no future; no nothing; no one cared; nothing. It was a free heyday for them because they were destroying human life; my life.
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Looking back; Im completely in shock seeing what I was like and thinking about at the time; I was completely rendered useless; THey should have been in jail...
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Anyway; lots of work here; lots of PTSD; long term PTSD: CPTSD taking me over completely; and its not worked out yet. It may be that I haven't been willing to work it all out yet because I was not further enough in my new self to want to face it; its not easy facing those intruders…
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Anyway; by wanting a car; its forced God to have to change me and possibly face those intruders from the past that are in my mind and nervous system in the forms of PTSD; thus; because I become a stronger independent person moving beyond the abuse; ready for new thoughts to replace that time period; Ill come to a point that I get to start my teenage years again; and I can just imagine with enough time; a car showing up within this new period and I being a new person being able to re write my history.
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Note; May I never forget the recovery process and who is in the recovery process; a bunch of liars and sharks; never least I forget; they can turn on me with a blink of a light switch. And thats what happened today; how it felt; I felt all alone… Its happens… I still got the recovery tho…
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Weight loss is trying to begin... Ive been on the bike lately and I just bought Apple Cider Vinegar with Mother; So it begins. Ive been around for awhile and I know when the diet mode is trying to seep in and its trying.
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Im looking forward to losing all this weight. I can keep it off with a scale everyday. If I can?
I will do something; Ill keep it off; or get it off... However, first I have to lose it.
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Ive never lost weight while being out of physical condition. Ive not lifted weights in a very long time; shoulder problems. So; we will see what happens.
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I will join the gym to use the cardio machines at times; but most of it is about cycling.
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Still have more to say,.
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IN THE MEETING: The way Im opening up; Im getting stronger.
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Next day;
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Immaturity is playing a role in my situation. When I was young; I had authentic arrested development; the real thing is a bad bad thing. Because of dissociative disorder and massive PTSD: my brain was completely consumed by its own internal environment and I did not know nor care what was going on outside. In this process; I Was not aware that one of the main problems; the trauma entombed itself between my original self and my present self; consuming me daily; However, no growth once shut down as a child; but I didnt really know this...
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Its is a horror situation of much panic and anger and fright; for I did not know what was wrong with me...
Relationships or work or school or any other kind of interactions; not only could I not deal with interaction because of Dissociative disorder overload and trauma including long term sever PTSD: I was also legally to immature to do anything; to function. I had the mind of a 6 year old. In this case; I mean this authentically; that means no relationship possibilities nor work nor talents; nothing.
And I was not aware of it. I am now; scares me not to be aware of what was wrong with me. I could not see it because my mind was so displaced and broken from severe long term PTSD> CPTSD... Scary stuff.
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I understand that severely retarded development had cause a huge horrified level of immaturity; I could not function in the adult world.
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Im still this way but more aware of it; I mean; I can see it when its relative to relationships and work or using talents or walking outside... being part of things. THis is a huge subject in its self.
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Its hard to feel deserving of something. And that is what I have to work with..... Ill keep making steps in my head from where Im at to there I want to be... Ill keep it up.
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Its getting scary as God opens up to me the feeling chain of what really happened when young. God does this so I can start out at square one...
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Im trying to get a life... to build one; I have to build it in my imagination first before it becomes real in the outside world; in life.
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So "(...I...)" have work to do with my higher power. I emphasize "I" because at this point its me and God and my recovery process...
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Im un touched right now; an emotional blank slate. Im almost ready to talk to women again and Im thinking about money and I wanna truck n stuff.
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IT seems Ive almost worked out what happened with my first love and first best friend when young; and they have stopped having momentum... The best friend thing is over with; I still have to face it at some point; the emotions, and feel them and really let go; Im talking about the grief from it; Ill be able to do that... Ive worked through; There was no friend and, thats not my fault; not personally my fault. ANd I realized their was no friend; and thats because he was not a worthy safe individual to even spend time with or be within 100 miles of; ever... The mental illness and loneliness and desperation led me on to find anyone that would take me in to be friends with me. I was looking for a mental health facility for help; thats what I needed; I didnt need the general public. I found friends to take the place of the mental health facilities I needed; It did not work. Most of the people I met that actually wanted to be friends with me; were so wrong and shallow and opportunistic; I was being manipulated and used; and never knew during the time I was associated with them.
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I made a big mistake. They were solid with family and school and future interests and future occupation directions and basic employment; even when very young; working for their parents business. IT was a part of life for those people.
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The problem is; everything was working out for them. I was undeveloped and had no way of knowing what to do about it. I was not developing in many areas. I hung around other kids that were developing hoping it would ease my insecurity about not having a life; at first it worked; soon I fell behind and those fake friends dumped me the first chance they got. However, here's the deal; Those friends could not be expected to understand anything of what I was experiencing; impossible and those friends never came to me; I went to them. So; they owed me nothing; they were strangers that never told me they liked me or wanted to be friends with me; that was all in my imagination. And I went with it... Soon; when the trap door of life sprung and I fell through; those people were gone. And I would fall through for it was a great correction... I had not developed anything and I feel through the cracks of life back to the age of about a 1st grader and I did not know what to do; I isolated myself from everyone and everything and lost all friends. And I was laughed at by them; obviously these were not people of quality altho they looked the part on the outside.
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So; I got this figured out; the base; never had any friends and never would.. and never had a chance when I was young; and never knew... and it is truly hard to accept that but Im not in that life anymore; Im in my life now! more n more; and I can transfer more of myself from that time period into now and away from those dangerous times where their was no way out. I never knew I was trapped at first; I thought I had a clear shot at it. I had no idea who I was dealing with. No one did; and no way I could have survived or had a chance at life; it was all a set up. I was set up before I was born to be destroyed.
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ANd God wants me to see this now; the real truth; more n more of things so I have a solid footing to work the creating of my new life. Im getting the point that the adult life Im looking for is the escape I was looking for; I just never thought or knew how I could develop into that adult and move on with my life; I had no idea
I even needed an adult life ( thats how crazy I was).
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Grief;
How I could deal with so much grief and sorrow; but altho its a big wall of grief; I seem to be able to just barely deal with it; get to the ridge of the top of that monster; hang on; climb over and be on my way clear in nature and conscious. Free to move forward in the sunny clear day of my new developing life.
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My final goals for today are;.
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1. Relationships
2. Truck
3. Money
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The idea of these goals is to get my internal self back; back in alignment for reality; something I was not functioning at when young. Its as if I stayed a 1-5 year old all my life.
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Now ( On my own) because of?; because of age? NO! Because of luck? No! Because I did it myself? No! God does all things. Ive spent my time bowing down to God; thats what the work interprets to; Showing the universe I want in. I want change; I am serious or I want to be serious about participating in my own recovery and life.
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Im missing things in this life; Work; relationships; money. Car and so forth... Im slowly moving forward; hopefully to a point of working through to the end of self; to a jumping off point; something Ill face; this is a hard deal; this correlates with the jumping off point as a boy; its that specific time period I was 2 move ahead when a boy; thats what Im paralleling right now. I mean; thats the idea. To get up to speed where I was as a boy doing this work; This is truly brutal. Its brutal because I know as the inner child what the final outcome of that time period will be.
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Anyway; thats the goal; to keep working on the ultimate goals of relationships, money, car, and Ill through in talents occupations activities and such; things I spend my time doing or callings from the universe; but actually its these three things right now to work on; to build bridges made of stepping stones in my imagination;
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1. Relationships; girlfriend to wife/family/children
2. Truck/ economy car/ camper van
3. Money....
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These areas being strengthened. Confidence
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