July 2025
June 2025
Showing first signs of coming out of the strangle hold of the past concerning First Love ( This was a person I wrote about from my teen years; an unfortunate situation where I was used and manipulated by someone. So much so that I was broken beyond relief.. and destroyed; Ive spent the last several years working on this problem getting help from others and God for techniques to work through the past concerning this person… and now Im showing clear signs of improvement.
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This means Im less caught up in that situation from the past. It means more of the real me belongs to me again and I feel safe with God. It means Im present where I wasnt Before.. Realistically; it means, Im more present without the pressure from the whole experience of the past. Several areas of that specific situation has a relief… meaning; its been figured out. Or worked through where Ive accepted the truth that was found. And working with God; Ive been able to create new God pathways with Gods direction to recreate myself in other directions under God; under Gods sovereign state where Im safe. I now believe I can move forward and develop under a different situations; not needing similar situations I got stuck in; like with that girl in the past… ( We were not in a relationship; I was just strangely taken by her; caught up in something; something demonic from her. It was like she was a witch). ( I had no relationships; nothing; I just visited her house several times and had I had a vivid imagination bout the whole thing). What ever I was imagining could happen between us; was never going to happen. Nothing happened; the opposite happened because nothing was their; meaning; This person started out as a stranger and ended as a stranger… Nothing their…
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Under God; Ive been able to believe I can recreate my life at that age when a teenager; time period I never really got through or over on any subject; I have allot of different problems from that time period to work on and work with God to fix or deal with for the first time…
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In many cases of that time period; the answers the universe is giving me concerning these past situations; This is the first freedom Ive ever had from those situations; so it all feels new to me; it feels like relief from something that happened yesterday; not 50 years ago or more. Im an old man now…
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Im now getting answers from God and have done enough work for relief. So; if I were to go back in time 50 years; What would it now be like;
where I can bi pass my association or my interest of visiting that person; meaning showing up in her life through calling or talking with her at her house. The problem was; I had nothing on my side of things; no life or development at that time; So; I could not let go of the disappointment of not getting anywhere with this person; It was the wrong person; she was not attracted to me… I made a mistake. I did not figure on that; I had no one; and others choices; And it seems In my mind I couldn’t go home; their was no home; Thus; in real sense; I was out in the cold with no one; nothing. I never got over this girl… Well; I never got over her warm home… Something I didn’t have because I had no future; I had nothing and she had a home; parents… And I couldn’t just reach out and grab it; I wasnt wanted their; I wasnt wanted as I am. No one wanted me and I had nothing… I just could not deal with going home to a place I had nothing; doing it again and again; getting nowhere in life; not being able to meet anyone; No one needed me; I didn’t have anything anyone wanted… No one cared; no one saw me. This specific girl; I really opened up a bit and gave it my all; at-least at first… I was just being faked out by someone… No one their cared about me; nothing… I was just being played with and used… I could never deal with that… However; in later recovery process; that will change. And in the end; it looks like I win! Unbelievable.
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More notes;
I get it; I was not developed and wanted some point of security; I desperately wanted to be around someone who had parents and the security to live a life safe enough to have dreams and maybe be part of them… Something like that. Well; It never worked. And it would not work unless the person I was interacting with was actually someone like myself; broken and insecure and not wanted; only this type of broken person would be at my frequency level and understand.
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I think maybe at first this person was like me.. But I was wrong; they were not… And thats OK accept thats dangerous; its dangerous to be from my background and try to interact with higher economic people. It did not work; I was just played by someone; I never saw it for several months… I made a big mistake. I didn’t understand what was going on; I gave it my all; but it didn’t work; it failed; and I felt like I failed completely 100% No one wanted me… no matter what; I had tried all I could; and my personality was of no value; nothing! I just crinkled up; folded up and kind of vanished as a human entity…
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However; The point is not about this person; its about me; Whats my role in it! Its about my role in why I ever went in this direction in the first place and the vast insecurities associating with it.
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And because of the work Im doing concerning this situation from the far past; God has led me down new foundations and Pathways in the present; Im now learning about being within God Pathways and staying in them to get my needs met; stay cozy in Gods pathways and don’t leave… Ill learn to get my needs met within Gods sovereign state not somewhere else.
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The realization;
In my childhood; Pathways were created long ago; just not used yet…
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In the present;
These God pathways I seek now; And, other pathways are hooked to them; And base level pathways were created back in childhood; However; Those childhood pathways; They were cut off and I was dissociated from them and literally physically moved out of my life to a point where my identity was shattered… And Thus; will never think about them again; those childhood pathways…
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In the present;
The point is; Because of the mass work done in the last couple of years; many areas of relief are working. Im accepting my roll as someone way under or below the people I was trying to associate with when younger( they were out of my league). And knowing this and accepting this; great thing if I can accept it. It means; Ive accepted I was not wanted; and that hurts but thats Ok because Im now with God; and God can create and has created a whole new world for me at Gods level; including massive massive pathways to everything I could ever want; However; under God Jesus Holy spirit and the Universe; God has basic decent rules; I have to stay in my recovery process; I have to learn how to earn what I want; that doesn’t mean going out and raking front lawn leaves for 10 hours a day; but at a more formal situation; it might; it could be something as simple as that. However; earning for me means working with God co creating my life; and that means prayer and meditation and learning how to follow down a God pathway; doing the work for such things… In order to follow down a God pathway; lessons have to be learned; don’t side quest and take off for some quick fix scheme; A scheme that claims will fix everything; always throwing the dice; always the opportunist…
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The point is; Im starting to finally come back to reality where Im more accepting of myself in reality; not where I fantasies Im at. And Im OK. Nothing wrong with Fantasizing about my future or dreaming about it or writing stories of what I want as if I all ready have them; learning how create success around the desires I have. My problem was; I was living inside a brain created fantasy of an 8 year old while I ignored the reality that was outside of me; very much like alcoholics do or drug addicts. Staying doped up believing Im the rich guy on the hill when Im actually in the streets…
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Now; I don’t have to live like that; like like there is only fantasy and no reality… Things can change…
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God has created for me many pathways to get what I want; I don’t need to go beyond God; I can grow through God in Gods world; with all the developmental tools and techniques and experiences I need. These are all from God; I just keep working for them or working on strengthening myself Down God Pathway; where I bow down to God and stay bowed down as I move forward… Not leaving the pathway; Its the Horse before the Cart; not the other way around… And sometimes I have to just sit on that cart and just sit their for a hour and meditate and not move; just find my place and get in it!
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I do well in Gods kingdom… I don’t do so well in any other kingdoms; Only in Gods…
And working with God has brought about the solutions to so many vast areas and my problems… God is supplying me with what I wanted. I tried to ask the world for what I wanted; I got played I got destroyed; so…
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However; I mean… Im Ok; but not yet. I still have much work to do…
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Im still not over this person from the past; but I kind of am; but Im not over visiting the physical destination of her house… What does this mean; It means; going to her house had great relief for me; it allowed me to believe I was ( Getting Some Where) In life; I was becoming successful; As if I was creating sustaining relationships outside the house I was in when young. Unfortunately; this success never happened; It was not true; it was false. I was living on false levels of confidence created by my arrogance and this girl who was lying to me while she was playing me. My problem is; I just never knew…. I didn’t know she was playing me… Or I thought it didn’t matter… I thought she didn’t matter… I was in control here. I had all my expectations… and none of them founded in reality; Nothing. In fact; all of this was going on at her house; not mine. She never wanted me. So she never came to my house. I had created this giant fictitious lie in my head about what was going on… it was all in my fantasy…
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In the present;
So; Now; Now that I know; Now that Im working on this; things are changing… Lots of hope here.
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Im noticing Im working on these things…
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Im now believing that I can become what I want under Gods care….
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I don’t have to go up to peoples houses for help like when young… I can get help going to professionals.
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When I was young; I wanted to meet new people in nice houses; but what I didn’t understand; I really wasnt from any houses; I was a throw away and I really didn’t fit into anywhere; I was an outcast and no one really wanted me. So the idea of; Im going to some stranger and blame them for the problems I have in my life; its 2 dangerous… I wasn't from a neighborhood. I didn’t belong to anything or anyone. I had been a throw away all my life. In my early life I didn’t know it until it was 2 late. I had no one interested in me and I didn’t know it.
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Ive been played 2 many times with stuff like this… By ending up around strangers I thought I could help or I could trust; I could not; they played me into the ground…
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So… Now what do I do…
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So here I am now!
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Where am I; Im slowly coming back to reality where I believe pathways can occur for me with Gods help; In fact; that is happening for me right now. Ill keep working at it…
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ITS NOT OVER YET: ITS OVER WHEN ITS OVER;
Its over when non of that person or that past shows up within any interest in my present; many things have to happen for this to occur…
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I have to continue to eradicate those thoughts of that person from the past; when they come up in my mind.
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God and Gods sovereign state are my colors; Not this girl or anyone like her; this girl from the past. I cant worship 2 masters…
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I have to believe that what ever I wanted from that person or that persons life style; I can get that working with God; I don’t have to go to that person or anyone like them to complete my life. The real tragety; these outside people like this girl; They wont help me… they don’t really care about me; they don’t have the maturity or development to training to help me… And; they simply don’t care…
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Can I get love and can I get friendship and can I get understanding somewhere else then this girl from the past; YES; Ive already experienced that… And I have a relationship with God; A kind of direct one; Im working on… So; I can get it UNDER GOD! IN GODS SOVEREIGN STATE…
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PATHWAYS: With the universe helping me; Im creating pathways that I believe in; God has them already created; Im just bouncing into them… But; I have to bow down completely to God until it is only Gods pathways Im interested in; No more; the world to get my interests. However; let me explain; I will be getting pathways in the world to the things of the world; but its all under Gods pathways and sovereign state… Its under the safety and co creating with God. Thats the goal and Im believing it; coming more into alignment with it and away from people and places and things of the past; believing in those people and places and things of the past; Those lies…
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So; My life with God is just beginning… The idea of getting my life back; getting back with God in Gods Pathways as a way of functioning again; its slowly coming back… Im slowly coming back… Im slowly starting to materialize.
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I still have allot of that burning scorn associated with that Witch from the past; She was a Demon; And thats what happens when dealing with a Demonic presence… Thats what happens when Im dealing with strangers from when in the past.
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HOPE:
I know that girl was a demonic presence… That girl and her family when I was young. I get it… And I know their was no reason for me to trust strangers the way I did; that was insane and stupid and I will pay a price for going retard stupid… I will get slapped hard; torched tortured for this.
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I cant just walk into demonic presence; into stuff like that; their were no warning signals, I was walking into poisonous areas…
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I remember;
All the shrub work looked the same to me. At first the shrubs were innocent and nice and safe; later the shrubs were poisonous; but I could not see any difference in the look of the shrubs; At some point; Im far enough into this dark area its over my head. Its no longer a place Im invited; nor a safe place that I understand; Im way out of my area; my safe zone; And I didn’t know… Im way over my head… and Im in places that don’t respect or value me or like me; Nothing… Im in places way out of my league… And their will be no connection; only lies and manipulations toward me to twist me around use me and throw me out into the cold night…
However; I have no idea of it; and thats whats most scary about all of this…
Or as I remember from the past…
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SO; WHERE AM I AT NOW;
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Im at a good place considering God; Ive been able reach in and work with God to get back aligned with God. And that is worth all the money in the world….
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Im at that place where it feels like Ive mad it back into Gods kingdom under God; a place I remember as a child. And Altho Ive had to go the hard way to get there; It is happening. I am getting their…
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So; or Ive already shown up as someone dedicated… kind of… But I am.. Not kind of. Many things are changing for me; changing for the good… Its all Good….
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I have God; and God is what I would have wanted from my parents; Now; Im getting it without them.. In fact; I don’t really even need to bring them up anymore; accept the word Parents… So… Now Im getting what they were suppose to give… Ive gotten their the hard way; but I got their… it seems to be happening… So…
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I can feel it and see the changes…
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Now; Ill pray; Ill learn how to pray for what God wants for me… Gods will for me; not mine…
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So; It begins…
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