July 2025
June 2025
Relationship with God; Putting the Horse before the Cart….
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Its interesting; with all the recovery that has gone on… Ive noticed something very interesting; In the way of Activities… A strait line of help has occurred under God. I was taken back to my beginning childhood; I started over with objects of activity; things such as playing with dirt; playing with stones and sticks and building things; making imprints and signs and drawings with these tools; I graduated to lego’s I think… and played and created with those. I graduated to throwing a ball with others. I then tried clay and small wooden lumber pieces; small; Hobby size; very tiny; something one can make a tiny house from; I build things with clay and miniature lumber pieces and tried that; All under Gods care.
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I graduated playing with toy trucks for awhile ( I think?)… Did I play with toy cars n trucks; Hmmm. I think so. I moved on… I got the football out and went and played catch with people at the 12 step meetings.
I went home and planned a train set; and saved my money; I bought a train set and for the next couple of years; tried that. It wasnt for me; but it was great to have my very own train set back again. I moved on to drawing and creating with paint as a artist… From their I moved on to Plastic Model kits… From their I moved on to playing the piano and creating songs; and then to using notation to create songs…
And from their video Games…
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TODAY: My main Hobbies are Plastic model kits and Video games; These are my God developed hobbies; the kind of thing that are internal; they are not leaving or passing away…
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CALLINGS: The Arts; creating in music Art and writing.
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Other Activities; Mountain bikes… Mountain biking. Im a bicyclist. This is also transportation; Its also physical; good for me… Im old! It allows me to get outside. Its also a kind of Hobby; but it was also a God given Activity to help me with Agoraphobia outside. I seem to travel great distances on Bike when I could not walk a 100rth of that distance out of fear of being outside. But on a bike; I could travel from one side of town to the other; and altho I saw people; I didn’t have to stop and talk to them; I could ride right by them. So; its been a kind of blade-of-all-trades device for me; Just a generally good all around experience to get involved in. And I used it as a hobby for many years as well. However; it was primarily a therapeutic device when I was thrown on Social security 25 years ago for mental health reasons. So…….
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And Finally; a unique Gift from God; A therapeutic purposeful Activity!
I was given one specific Activity; That thing one can call an occupation; a purpose; a thing; What ONE thing am I suppose to do; suppose to participate with; something I call my own. An activity brought to me strait from prayer; God answering my calling and praying to God. And the answer is; GUITAR!~
According to God; I am suppose to play with a Guitar; fool around with it; play with it; explore with it a bit; fool around with it.. Thats my defacto in life; That one thing brought to me by God for therapy and purpose.
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God knows that ONE THING everyone is suppose to have; that activity; that when in doubt; one participates instantly with this device of activity. Its that one thing of massive ever expanding interest; its brought out of loving care from God; an extreme interest… And that thing for me is; Guitar…
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I am a beginner guitarist. I just play and practice when I want; a few chords. And I continually keep an interest in it; its what I want to do; its what I like to do… its from God; its therapeutic; its for me from God..
It tops the final lists of Activities Im suppose to interact with… And when Im practicing guitar and playing Im right inline with God and Im totally satisfied. This is all Im suppose to do; no more no less under God; from God! Gods directive; Gods orders…
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In a real sense; All of this was after months and years of recovery work and prayer and meditation with God. Always under God… inline with God….
And finally the ultimate pure Activity to use when in doubt; GUITAR… and I feel Ill be playing and taking a hobbyist interest in Guitar for the remainder of my life. Its that one GO TO device that seems to push every button of good interest. Its my think brought by God to play around with for the rest of my life…
I could sit and practice guitar several times a day and id feel totally satisfied that I had done everything I was suppose to do for the day…
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RELATIONSHIPS: Looking at Relationships vs Activities… With Activities under God; and brought back during the recovery process; Many things stand out. However; one main area; God comes first. I talk to God and its kind of innocent. Its a direct line between me and God. However; when it comes to relationships; its a completely different ball game…
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RELATIONSHIPS:
The first thing I notice when thinking about getting re developed from the Ground up in relationships; Im seeing movies as examples of relationships; Im seeing fantasies as examples of relationships. Im seeing parents as examples of relationships and friends families when a kid as examples of relationships; even tho they were dysfunctional. Im seeing relatives as examples of relationships. Im seeing the fantasies of the girl next door when I was a kid or the popular people in school as examples of relationships.
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When it comes to relationships; it seems I have all these examples of forms of worship to these Gods Ive made; parents, friends, popular kids; The girl next door, relatives, movie stars, and so on. I notice; all of these things are first in my mind; Not God; God is a sloppy second if best if even materialized when it comes to answers for the creation of relationships.
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THE HORSE BEFORE THE CART;
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Its interesting; In Activities; its easy; God is in front of me and who I pray to for help; help with Activities; ( What am I suppose to do with my life). And God takes the lead and begins to lead my life and direct it new for Activity discovery and development.
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However; When it comes to relationships; Im not sure ive stared yet. I may be just starting; Im just now; really trying to Get God in front of me very close that I pray to on my knees and put first; and then while praying to God and staying inline with God down a God pathway; staying close to God; God manifests my desires and starts bringing them to me in one form or another concerning relationships.
Relationships concepts are drown’d out for me; its as if many aspects of the world have a hold of me; I see them; before I see God; And that is putting the Cart Before The Horse. This needs to be reversed.
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So; Im now working on seeing God in front of me while On my knees; Ill start with that; and I working on connection with God while praying and or meditating; the Goal is to get God inline with me First… God first; not the movies or movie stars; not the popular people; not the girl next door. I don’t want to see those things in my head. I want them gone; I want to see God first and me on my knees praying to God and having God first; And then I work through God for what I want and my direction.
RELATIONSHIPS: What do I want; Well; I want to be re created; re directed in the whole life experience of Relationships; I want it re built; Just as God rebuilt my Activity interests and develop.
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I want Relationships to be rebuilt; my participation interest and development in this area. In fact; I don’t think its ever been developed. So; I want to be taken back to the beginning of my life and Start over; Just as I did with Activities…
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Well; Good!
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However; a problem. Something is different for me working with God concerning relationships. God is not coming first in my soul; instead its all the Gods I worship in society; its automatic. And all of these Gods must get out of the way; God will help me get them out of the way; and thats where I start. Thats what Im starting on now.
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EGO; Many problems with entitlement and ego concerning relationships. Many problems; narcissism; All kinds of problems; However; the main problem is; I simply want a clear direction in my mind from where Im on my knees to God; to having God in front of me when I pray; Nothing else; Or; The Horse before the Cart… I worship God and ask God for what I want with God in front of me. I work through God.. I work with God; God is the director; just as it was when dealing with Activities… I want the same thing with relationships. However; relationships concept is all clouded out of existence with all this other worldly chatter and imagines and smaller Gods I worship around Relationship concepts.
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THE GOAL;
To set forth with God similar to what I set forth around re building activities; I want the same relationship with God while working on relationships that I did when working on activities; and I think it will be possible.
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Ive tied up many bizarre imagines and ideas concerning relationships; its all haggard out and bound up dysfunction; so; I have allot of work learning how to see God first when praying to him and letting go of temptations to allow other images in and use them as Gods…
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Ive put women in positions of pleasure; attention, Mother, God! Altho I was never saved by women; no one ever liked me or saved me. I was never around any women that valued me. Nothing.
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So; I would like to put God first including where I get my love and attention from; GoD! And then work from their having God bring the plans and directive for building or re building relationships from the ground up… Just like with Activities. Im not sure how God is going to go about it. Ill keep praying.
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First thing is practicing praying on my knees and seeing God in front of me down God pathway. Learning to put God first; not my temptations to put some girl first I had a crush on when young… or any other distraction.
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I have a tendency to fantasize about past women I wanted; I imagine they are with me and they love everything about me. I put this in the place of God. I see these women first and go to them first in my imagination Before I go to God. Interesting; they are all Godless people. And yet; I go to them as if they are my mother and Im going to be loved and taken care of.
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Concerning my journey with God concerning activities; I had nothing in front of my request for help from God concerning activities. God was in front and in charge; no blocks… nothing.
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When it comes to relationships; Ive got all kinds of blocks and problems; However; Ill point out that immediately I can see Im traveling down a pathway when having these problems; and its not a God Pathway. Im already on a Pathway… And I never got permission by God to be on a Pathway of this subject; This means I bi passed God and took off on my own side quest.
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I got suckered in; I got seduced. Seduced so easily. When I find someone attractive; it has power given to them; its crazy; its like being taken over by a drug… They become my God.
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Im looking for my Mother and Father; Im 4 years old. 3 years old and desperation.
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However; what I need to do is have a situation with God much like I did when getting help with God concerning activities. Strait forward; God is in charge and I see God clearly and God is helping to instruct me.
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So; that is my work; My work is to learn how to clear my mind of the past and those obsessive thoughts of others memories intruding into my mind. My work is to work at putting God first in my imagination when Im praying on my knees down a God Pathway.
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So; its God first; not me; diverting into old memories of women I wanted… Cant say it any better; Its like a gap exists between me and God concerning working together on relationships. That gap allows me my mind to divert to side quests where I make worldly people and places and things more important to me then God… I make them into Gods. I start worshiping them; hoping they have real power and can help me.
The problem is; they are candy jars full of candy made out of sawdust; the more I eat the more empty I get. I never get satisfied.
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Today I want something different; and what I want; I want to be on my knees down a God-Pathway and see in front of me; See God; humble myself on my knees for a long extended time until I can be in that physical position and be broken into completely trusting God in a position of sovereign state over me.
To desire to put God first… And work at it long hours until it happens and Im broke out of putting false ideals in the place of God. It can be done; I have to practice practice practice.
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I see it; Ive got to work with God to go back in time; See myself as a kid; and praying on my knees to God about relationships; Getting help getting straitened out before I start; For this to happen; God has to come first; and thats what im working toward; the ability for this to happen. And with that all other experiences in my life will have to take a backseat.
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Once God is the main God in my imagination when praying and no other desires; I can then learn to trust God; work with God on a rational plan for relationship development from the ground up…
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Does that make sense?
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God first; The Horse before the Cart!
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