July 2025
June 2025
I erased this blog and came back to rewrite it because I have not felt the way I do since the beginning of my life.
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Im getting better. I have this feeling of being centered and feeling good inside. Its not perfect; I'm in the middle of working on massive years of bulling and up to resent moments of new bullying from people at risky 12 step groups. I got bullied for about a year from a young man that was a psychopath; he was from a rich background; he was fooling everyone; showing up to meetings to convince his father he had a legitimate problem as why he wasn't working or going to school. In my opinion; he wanted to use drugs and take serious advantage of women and do no more with his life; he had it made accept his father threatened to stop the trust money if he didn't work or go to school; something like that.
I recognized what he was after a few months; I'm not sure anyone else did; when he realized that I knew what he was; he began to act like a stalking bully around me... I wrote it all down; every incident. Haven't felt the need to use any of it yet. Although its been about a year ago.
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lately; Ive shown signs of a kind of independence showing up; a kind of feeling good right now. Not exactly repressed; although I am from all the abuse.
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I'm feeling independent; not completely branded by trauma bond as usual. I'm growing out of it.
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technically I still have all the problems but I'm taking responsibility for things; I could not do this before; this is new; Although I've been working toward it.
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But thats not what I want to report in on; The universe is taking over where my parents left off when I was young; I mean; Im feeling safe within the vortex protected areas of God that surround me. Ive felt allot of that today.
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Usually Im having to juggle the misery of loss from so many different areas of my past life; but right now things are different. I dont feel like I owe anyone anything. IVe worked out stuff and Im proud of myself; I feel like super man! Kind a. I mean that as a pat on my back or a hi 5. Good JOB~!
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Ive done good and Im getting my independence and Im vastly but slowly coming out of victim hood into a newer success based personality; something Ive been building for 8 years. Im feeling the independence; I'm liking it and I'm believing it.
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I don't have to go to the past to get what I want; no way! I work with God right now; here now! with a smile on my face.
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So; a new me is immerging.
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This is real; it is fragile but that feeling of feeling safe all around me and confident; Some of this is coming back to me.
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I felt a kind of confidence today at a meeting; never felt that way before; its not complete; but certainly showing the journey I'm going down; I've made new progress; parts of that journey have become complete; although its only a few throwing stone on this bigger picture of things.
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These are things Ill keep to myself around others in the area I live; Ill stay incognito.
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I still have much work to do to become working personality where Im functioning again and feel better.
Can I get to a point of not going to 12 step meetings anymore; Maybe in the future. Im starting to change.
Not yet.
Im showing signs of being centered; this is from work with higher power and success based work; How to become wealthy; the spiritual work dealing with wanting to become wealthy and all the work working with the laws of attraction and the universe and the books and movement in general.
Positive outlook affirmations work; years of it. And other things .
ITs all starting to have a big effect.
Standing up for myself; standing on my own 2 feet. Altho I have no idea where I am.
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I have no idea where I am!
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IVe been fighting for so long to try to keep what little sanity I had if I had any; and for many years no sanity. And for many years keeping myself from death. Hiding.
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As I feel better and wake up; I look around and Im a stranger; I look around and havent had any other reason to be; or any other reason to be in this area; physical area; accept to hang on and try to defend and get better. Other then this; Ive had no real reason to be here; in this location I live in at present accept I have some roots and streets and such I like to visit. Other then this; and Im not doing to much of that anymore.
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Im becoming present and wanting to enjoy the night sky. and a new life.
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Im not strong enough yet for a new life; but Im able to feel it while Im in my apartment.
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If I continue to write blogs; I will still speak of violent rages from triggered PTSD; and they are truly horrible and bad; still. Agoraphobic; certainly dissociative disorder is with me. AVPD; always. But its better.
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THe thing is; A part of me; a new personality is growing and developing and showing up along with all the other dysfunction; to the point that the dysfunction is just getting in the way.
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VICTEMHOOD; THis is what its all about; getting through; working through; all very tuff stuff; this co dependency trauma bond horror nightmare; sexual abuse and torture and things...
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A part of me is coming forward like a Knight and is showing strength to defend myself and stick up for myself; WOW!
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Will my blogs be different from now on.
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Ive almost worked through or the universe has given me answers to the problems of people from the past; the ones that used me and destroyed me ruined me. I got it; I get it. I've worked through it. I get what they are; It is concerning; but its like a past car wreck; Ya know! i get it; and its time to move on because I independently can because I found after all the work I automatically have found myself already moved on before I knew what happened./
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Will I feel this way tomorrow; I think so. Its not enough yet! But I'm getting it; I have a really good relationship and working relationship with a higher power. I have a massive amount of daily affirmations and vids on positive success for my future. I'm getting positively brainwashed by them into a positive success based way of life; its taking hold; especially lately. I'm definitely defining who I am in a positive sense.
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My music broke through; Create; Practice; Perform.
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Im getting strong enough to independently be in the Vortex of Gods spirit; this is what children do when they venture of to a corner in a room or sit in a closet in the dark or get on a bike and roam around the block and look at the trees as the wind blows. Or watch a TV show about ghosts or haunted houses and they just dream. its all personal.
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Im starting to get that independent person back.
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I'm getting up to speed like not before. Thats all I've ever wanted but had no idea how this could ever happen again; as one would have to be loved and cherished and taken care of; looked after; directed watched in a loving way; watching progress making sure I'm on the right path heading to a successful life.
Well; that's what it kind of feels like right now; and that's what I've been asking God for and for the last few days I knew I was getting close and I could feel it and see it but had no idea how God would pull it off.
How could I go back to that time period as a boy and get another chance at that special time period of being in that tunnel of love and caring where parents are molding me for success looking after me getting me started in new intelligent things to help me for my future and my future development so I could be something professional when I grew up.
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IM NOT THERE YET!; However, These are the things going through my nervous system; and its all good; However, its still marred; meaning; bullying and abuse from the past; scars all over my inner nervous system from fear and being put into positions I cant escape from.
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Probably the biggest change is being able to get into the vortex three or 4 independent times in one day and have it up to speed where I can just sit in it; sit in that special place; like Im meditating. Being present up to speed within self; like; that place that used to be separated from me; a gap; the gap is closed. Its up to speed within me; in this specific gap; at least up enough to call it self love.
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One the major keys is; no one from the past; everything has been through my higher power; that doesn't mean my higher power didn't bring people from the past; but I certainly didnt. And there's no need for them now.
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WHen young I wanted a life for my future. ANd Im starting to get back to feeling the same thing again unblocked.
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