July 2025
June 2025
First Love is Over… Going beyond First Love
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I asked God; The last couple a days. I asked God; God; Help me go through the last section dealing with first love so I can get my final exit interview from that situation; And it happened. I worked on it all night pouring out my guts on paper… Working and working and working on several different aspects concerning my memories of her…
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Finally; The Universe stepped in; And as I was praying and working on these sections of this history; I was also becoming stronger and stronger with God; and I was asking God for a new start; over n over. And my relationship with God continues to build and align; and I can see my future with God; a new future… Opening up into a kind of Eden… where any possibility for my future exists under God… God and I co creating my universe… And this means without anyone from the past; it means the past is gone concerning certain personalities. And if I go past those personalities into a new future; it will be with the understanding they are left in the past.
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First Love has been resolved; The universe brought one big statement concerning her; SHE DID NOT WANT TO MARRY ME!
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What does this mean?
It means if she did not want to marry me; She never really liked me; she was never attracted to me. She didn’t want to have chidlren with me; She did not want to spend her life with me. She did not want my DNA; she was not attracted to it. She did not want to be friends with me; she did not want me to be her best friend. She was never really interested in me. I meant nothing to her actually; She will not care if she ever sees me again and any time she spent with me; it was over boredom or she was in between important relationships with other more interesting suiters. I was nobody in her eyes.. No spark for her.
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Its simple; When The universe claims; SHE DID NOT WANT TO MARRY ME! It suggests its all over before it starts… The END!
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Its the finality I was looking for. All of my inner research concerning her led to this one statement; She did not want to marry me. No future.
Because their was no future with this person; Why then did I spend any time around her in the first place? And that is a good question; And the answer does not lie within her; it lies within me. For it was my fault. I started this with an un assuming stranger. I came up with all the ideas of what I thought was going on within my association with her; I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG ON EVERYTHING. ALL THOUGHTS WERE WRONG… I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
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So; Because of the finality of this. There truly is nowhere to go with it accept to move beyond it ; it truly is past… I do feel a kind of sorrow fatigue; However; Im also feeling a strange sensation since I have no other direction then out. Im feeling a strange freedom. Im feeling like myself again. I remember before First Love; what I used to be like. I was me. And I wanted me to come back under God. And I am. And I want more of it. Now that First Love has been resolved and theirs no place to go with it anymore; I simply walk forward beyond it.
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GOING BEYOND FIRST LOVE:
Im already feeling normal again kind of under God; First love was abnormal; it was not right; not aligned with the universe; something was wrong with it; it was a side quest sneaking around against the alignment of God. And it felt like an outgrowth in my soul; like an emotional tumor. It blocked me under God; it blocked me from being me… from the light; it kept me in darkness and pain..
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Now; Im feeling more myself.
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God did not bring First Love to me; I went out on my own to find her; Not Under God. And I will pay for this.
Now; Im under God and free of her! And parts of me are feeling suddenly more myself. How I felt before I met her…
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Now I have narratives; new narratives created set in place before I would have met her. I also have new narratives set in place while I would have known her; this took off the psychological pressure of remembering when I knew her; Now; with Gods help; I see alternatives to her. I see other roads I would take at the same time without her ever knowing I had built up comradships in other areas way beyond her… far to the side of her. New directions I could participate at the same time I knew her… This takes off the pressure of her being so important.
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INCORRECT NARRATIVES were the problem with her…
She was not my true First Love; she was never honest with her behaviors around me; she was contrived. It was all faked or staged on her part. Deeper; I meant nothing to her! I just didn’t; she was not attracted to me.
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So; I created elaborate false narratives surrounding my association with her… In the end I had taken what I had seen of her potential and created narratives that suggested she was my future best friend and wife. She was sent by God just for me to help me. She was my soulmate. And I was her savior White Knight to rescue her; fierce loyalty for her because she was totally trust worthy toward me; something she would never give anyone else. I created all these lies... She needed me; she was helpless; This was a complete lie!
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In the end I was wrong on all counts and more. In reality she was not trust worthy; certainly not toward me. She was Godless… She didn’t have one ounce of interest in me or attraction; Nothing!
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My faked narratives were so off concerning her during the time I was with her; the reality of the situation; Im going to get so slammed shut; slammed down by that reality; ill end up destroyed and have nervous break downs over it; over the loss of my future true love.
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However; Now; working with God; everything is possible again; maybe back to normal. Sure; Im beat up from the street up. But Ive got God now shining down on me right in front of me; That means Im a good boy and Ive done good! Im right in line with God.
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Im very lucky to even have another chance beyond these horrible kinds of resentments; I get to start over as my authentic self again.
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Its strange but really freeing. And this time UNDER GOD; Ill be working with God to find that Wife that fits in with the Noahs Ark Narrative under God. That means a biblical Narrative under God. God knows what that means.
Ill be running everything through God this time; God will be the overseer. And Ive got others I work with.
In a sense; First Love is “ laid to rest”… Is no more… And thats hard to put it that way. But it never existed in the first place. The memories I have of first love; these memories were all contrived by me; I don’t think any of them were ever real. They were my fantasy love boat. But they resembled more like a TV show then something real. And with Gods help I became aware of this.
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So what does this mean;
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PROBLEMS AND CHALLENGES of freedom…
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THE GAP:
A huge gap resides between where Im at and going beyond First Loves position on my life map.
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I realized something; I could not ever function around First Love because I had walls I could not go beyond; I could not mature with first love. IT wasnt her fault. I was broken hearted because she would not help me; she would not be my helper and help me develop past the walls; she would not take my hand and be my partner and help me. This told me she must not have been sent by God.. She didn’t care if I was dead or alive. And this broke my heart; she really didn’t care who I was. I was a stranger.
However; I realized after being set free from her from God; The walls had nothing to do with her; if she was with me or not; I would still have the walls and Ill need to go forward and face those walls and work with God to over come those walls. And thats where Im at now! These are scary walls of my adolescence period of being sexual abused and harassed. These are walls of abuse of being thrown away at age 9; no one cares and no one cares where I end up or what I lost; nothing!
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So; all of those walls have to be faced… Sexual abusers have to be faced within my imagination; with Gods help. Thats not easy; for they were more then twice my size.. They were literal giants; I was just a kid… They weighed twice as much as I did or more… twice my size… They didn’t care if they came at me; I had no protection… over n over n over n over n over...
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Anyway; Ive got things to work with God on; things to face. Problems to face. However; with no past; I can face them; learning how to face them and move on from where Im at right now.
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So; its all starting to make sense.
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IM STARTING OVER; Im starting at the age of adolescence. This time without any of the players of that actual time period.
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Ive earned the right to start over with no one from the past and still believe Ill make it and work through the walls and develop and strengthen the pathway Im on; All under Gods care. And Im literally kind of free. I don’t know how to explain it; sure the loss of some areas of the past; the acceptance they are now Gone; for The Evidence has been presented and theirs no way out of the evidence. So; it is what It is… However; Im already getting better… Already feeling more myself; my original self; like I was buried from the sun light and now Im out in the open again strait in front of myself and aligned with God… Im strait in front of God.
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A NEW WIFE; Well; Im new; I get to do life over; So; this will all be new to me; right from the developmental beginning of gaining experience to a point of being ready for whom ever God is sending me; We will see. I have no idea right now; Right now Ill just be starting out… And working on facing those walls and strengthening my ability to travel down that God Pathway.
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NOTE: Adolescence learning; age 8-12 13-16; Something like that… Moving from childhood to young adulthood.. And all the manly stuff I have to learn to be a functioning person with some freedom; God will show me how.
The last thing I remember was watching TV in my room as a boy; And then suddenly I have no more home; no more family; no more neighborhood; I was 9 years old. So. I have allot to learn and grow into; this time under God.
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MUSIC CREATION;
So far so Good. Im doing well because Ive worked out the dysfunctions with expressing myself in this Art form under Gods care. Ive worked with God to regain my participation and acceptance in this work ethic. Its all about participating and working within this discipline. And their it is; Im much more in reality concerning this; much much more; relative to when I was in a kind of Disney land fantasy Unicorn channel space world; a place where I floated around with all kinds of ideas but could not be part of any reality to ever make them self actualized; All of that has changed. I came out of Disney land fantasy channel back into reality. Thats the first change; coming back to ground level zero with my feet on the ground and starting over. Next; ive been showing signs of consistent work ethic concerning accepting the creative process and limitations for lack of skills surrounding this Art of creating music.
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So; the hard work; its up to me.
Skills; I don’t have Skills; fair enough; if I want them bad enough Ill work at them for what ever amount of time it takes.
I don’t have any real world adaptable skills concerning music creation for live playing and performance; I will learn all new skills or I wont be playing live. Its a bit embarrassing; Ive been dissociated all my life and never stepped into reality to practice anything in reality.
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So; working toward new relationships and making music to perform live is still the goal.
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Im slowly forging onward down my God Pathway…
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Our partner
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