July 2025
June 2025
.
First Love;
This person was not a friend of mine but a fake; but completely faked me out because of lack of respect for people; being privileged I guess; I don’t know… I know nothing about the person. I was completely faked out and for someone reason didn’t see it; didn’t care or bother to see it; ( My Arrogance). I say this; ( My Arrogance); I say this because I walked into a trap I didn’t need to be trapped by. I didn’t need to walk into a trap like this. I was angry and beat up from the street up; lonely desperate and innocent. However; Only innocence is an excuse for this; not the others.
.
The point is; I was playing a game and I liked it; What I didn’t realize; it what I was playing a game with; this was an enemy; not a friend; this was someone who fooled me right from the start and I never saw it…
.
THE WAS NOT A FRIEND: THIS WAS NOT MY FRIEND!
.
I was fooled by a sociopath pathological liar. Why was I susceptible to this type of criminal minded individual; Thats whats got me bugged. Its still hard to let go of to this day because of the indirect faked signs by the person that maybe I had a chance.
.
I am slowly accepting just how hard I was used and with no regard. I had no idea it was happening; nothing…
This is not the first predator Ive dealt with or the last; but its the last major predator Im dealing with on my resentment list; and the hardest…
.
This means; theirs a list of people I cant let go of but want to from the past; my original past; And this is the last.
This does not mean there are not secondary predators I dealt with in schools and work places or on the streets; I dealt with teachers that abused me ( sycophants sociopaths/cowards) or school bullies…
.
However; its those I got close to thinking I was building real relationships; I was fooled by them; I had no idea ( THEY HAD NO INTEREST IN ME); They were playing me the whole time.
.
I want to know why they had such easy access to me. Why wasnt I protecting myself; ( WHY WASN'T I PROTECTING MYSELF!); This is what I want to know… I want to know where Im susceptible. Why I was susceptible. Why did I allow myself to walk into such traps with such dangerous hideous type people. Why would I allow it not realizing the consequences.
.
I thought I had it going on; Instead I got chased out of town. It didn’t work; I didn’t work. I failed. I failed the test. But I won the test with God! Thats what matters; Meaning; I made it home again; back to God…
However; Ive got this one last test of resentments to get of my chest… to move on from; and its me; still believing in the lie that someone liked me and I had a chance with them; This information was believable to me because of the persons behaviors; However; they faked their behaviors; Why would I not think they would????/!
.
I put my value into that situation; I told myself; ( Well now! Look at me! Ive finally found a person that looks up to me and respects me the way someone should; Its about time!); And this is where they got me; set me up! It was more then easy for them. I had no idea who they were.
.
.
NOTE; Why would I give myself to someone ( I had no idea who they were; are!); Its these mistakes I thought I could get away with… WHY!
.
The arrogance Im dealing with here; its incredible; meaning my own arrogance; I set myself up to be put in my place; and I was! Why didn’t I see this coming!
.
I put my trust into someone that was completely lying to me. And its this statement I have to work with. This was just some scumbag where I was easily fooled. That's all it was. So; that's what I have to work with God on… TO let go of the fake behavior I saw and believed in from this person; I was innocently fooled.
.
I did feel horrible; that I wasn't even good enough out in the world to find one person who wasn't trying to spit in my face; set me up and destroy me… Its like; all Ive been out here in this world is hated from every corner; that's all its been; nothing more.
.
.
FIRST LOVE:
False information appearing real. I used to hang around this person in the beginning; thinking they were safe; MY GOD! I remember chasing this person around trying to get attention from them as if they were safe! Im looking back in discussed fear and contempt and hatred.
.
NOTE: Why would I chase around the most evil and vile of the human experience; the human race. I was set up the whole time; Why wouldn't I have seen it; Why didn’t I want to see it.
.
NOTE: I wanted to feel empowered and in control. I had no idea who or what I was dealing with; or what frequency they were on.
.
Im afraid in the real world; I was in my own dream world way out of reality when dealing these type of monsters…
.
What was I doing chasing a monster for! That is what I really want to know!
.
NOTE: A part of me doesn’t want to accept this was a monster; if I do; it means I make a fool out of myself; it means I was completely wrong; whats wrong with being completely wrong; IT almost seems like the fantasy is over with; the idea of being with the queen of the homecoming dance; Being popular or thinking I was popular or somebody.
.
None of this is easy to write but I must to get the secrets out.
.
The biggest problem is; by associating with this person; I felt had become successful; I was making successful relationships; and connections were successful.
.
Note; FEAR; What if I was wrong…. What if I was being played; It never occurred to me. If I was wrong; the fantasy of safety and a new life would be over; Id be back where I started; And thats exactly what happened; I was being fooled the whole time by some player! Someone who was playing me from the start; I never saw it or thought of it; Im worth way way way more then that.
.
NOTE: Im having a problem setting myself up with despicable people. I wanted something for nothing and it didn’t pan out; It didn’t work this time. I was simply used.
.
People with money and power or popularity used me. I never saw it; I thought they saw in me what I saw in myself.
.
I gave them the best part of me; and I was ripped to pieces; they were never safe; I had no idea; ( I HAD NO IDEA); And this scares me… Im scared that I put out what was valueable to pigs n swin that they trample me under their feet and tear me into pieces.
.
I thought I was superior to them and helping them… In reality; I didn’t realize; I had walked into a trap where they were in control. As I believed I as superior to them; they were sharpening their knives for the kill. I did not respect who I was with; I did not know they could take my life and wanted to. I had no idea I was around murderers and murderers of God! I had no idea; And I was murdered completely slashed to death. THEY WON. And that is hard to deal with. I LOST>
.
I CAME HOME TO DEATH: BUT IN THE END I ENDED UP IN THE ARMS OF GOD! I DIDNT HAVE TO DIE!
.
Scary! All of this! Why is the world so hostile towards people; toward me…
.
THIS WAS NOT MY FRIEND>…
.
.
This is not over; its over when its over when its over…
.
Im getting closer. God will rescue me… And keep me safe.
.
THIS IS NOT OVER; More 4th steps and more talking to this person on paper and more working with God on all of this and forgiveness and many other things until this breaks..
.
.
The fear of being alone!
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, idontknowatalll, streamlinevideo
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ FIRST LOVE
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 2.956s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.34
Time : 2.956s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.34