July 2025
June 2025
Before we start with the main subject; and it waits below to be read.
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Lets start with more open or new information concerning my first love.
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My first love was a sociopath. That she was. But I didnt know at first. Her parents had some money but they were both monsters; sociopaths with no conscious or worse.
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Lets make one thing clear; There was no love here for anyone. and their was no actual first love. how can their be; this was a sociopath; a violent one…. This monsters aggression and violence started showing up at points…. by hiring others to be violent with me. And other things.
This individual did not need saving; was not trying to get away from her parents….
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Here was the confusion and problem. I LIED. I lied to get into the house. I was never accepted or invited as I am. If this person had seen only myself as I am; I would never have had another eye bat at me. Nothing. No interest….
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In the Bible; I think its King Herod; Jesus stands before him; Herod asked him several questions; Jesus answers nothing and thus Herod writes Jesus off as an imbecile. And that is that.
How long did the relationship between Herod and Jesus last. Maybe three minutes…. In reality who knows. the point is; the whole relationship was; Herod judging Jesus and Jesus staying silent. and Herod writing him off and moving on.
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Concerning this girl I was visiting; She did the same to me; but she played me first; but I didnt know; I was 2 young. she was testing me.
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What I didnt know; She was evil. Pure evil. I didnt know, I didnt know I had walked into a spiders nest.
I LIED…
I LIED when I meet her or to meet her. I made things up about myself that made me look like someone I was not; I made myself out to sound like a successful athlete Jock alpha male. And other things I lied about from the beginning; this was important to say this because it set in motion the idea that I was from her economic back ground and had similar type parents and similar type up bringing; spoiled rich; with sociopathic like parents where I was also neglected emotionally…. kind of. I mean; privileged…. They get what they want or they break the law; They were above the law.
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So; I made a grave mistake I didnt know about. I had falsely represented myself to the wrong people and was accepted in to their gang or tribe based on that information; but at some point everything back fired because I didnt fit in; I was 2 nice a person.
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At first she let her walls down to me; But of course she would. She trusted me; she thought I was one of them; one like her and her family; she had no idea I was not. So; at first it seemed she was normal to me; but I was wrong; and those are not the right words to use. She was not normal. She was of a different culture; a stuck up culture of rich people I did not know about. I mean; I knew about them; but I was not one of them.
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I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. Soon; things started to go heywire…. From the start their were strange problems; if i did not show up around her; I never heard from her; as if she didnt care; but if I showed up to her house and chased her around; she liked the attention and the invitation was open to get to know her more;
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However, soon; she began to test me I guess; or question me or be suspicious something was wrong. And for her; that meant; she was checking to see if I was really an alpha male or not. Because If I wasnt; id be out right then. And soon; I could not keep up with the demands. I could not act like the swash buckling pirate ship captain that would sweep her off her feet. I was just a normal person who was looking for a nice friend… I wanted to date. I was non of those; non of those things this person was looking for. Because the only people that would play that role were the rich or well to do. One would have to have no conscious to get involved in the ways I was discussing. Lots of self flattery and narcissism. Only the rich… in this case.
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Am I making myself clear; I had walked into the wrong family system… And I should turn and walk out as fast as possible.
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So; at some point; as she let her walls down wanted to be chased; I began to fantasize what it would be like to be with her. What I didnt realize was; if she had been safe enough to be with; I would not had to protect myself by fantasizing. It was never safe in the first place.
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The point is; This was a sociopath and I was in the wrong place. a very dangerous place but never knew it until it was 2 late; kind of.
It was 2 late; I had fallen for her; bam; and the trap was set and sprung.
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She had ended up laughing me to scorn with her parents; They did not take me seriously; saw me as a child like teen…. They claimed my innocence was actually weakness and laughed at it. So my human decency was considered weakness; much like how criminals see a society; a place they can rob or take hostage….
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The point of all this; I was around the wrong fundamental type person. This was not someone of my values… This was an evil family system way off my mark…. But I never new. I would have never been invited in if this person had know who I was not. They were looking to invite the wealthy of a closed culture; not me! Not anyone like me…. I did not know until it was 2 late.
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So; again; The girl acted like she wanted to be liked by me because she thought I was rich alpha male type spoiled lawless with no conscious; just like her family parents and way of life. When she found out I was not rich or like her or her people or her way of life; she branded me as an imposter and I was laughed out of her existence. And following suit; latter she mentioned that I meant nothing to her and would have never met me if she had the choice about it; claimed I was an imposter and the whole thing was a misguided mistake that she had nothing to do with. In other words; she would have never lowered her self to the level filth I was; Something like that. she would have never lowered herself to the level of filth like people like me… she was shocked that such filth was not only in her presence but had some how found its way into her house were with out a moments notice; she took the broom and whisked it away out the door it came like an unwanted wild animal who lived in the trees with the other bugs of the night.
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Am I making myself clear; I think so; If one can read the portrait Im describing of this person; myself and the situation.
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ITs allot like Herod and Jesus. I represent Jesus the girl represents Herod. In the Jesus story; Herod and Jesus only know each other for a moment; that is all…. Jesus stays silent around Herod; Herod cant get Jesus to budge; finally writes him off as a fool and moves on; the interaction is no more than a moment in time.
That relationship only lasts a few moments because each person is true to their nature. Because of this; only a moment. Differences are found and they both move on from each other.
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The girl and I were the same; If I had; when meeting her; stayed silent and said nothing and did nothing; I would have never been noticed for anything and she would have written me off immediately. There would have never been any acquaintance; nothing. I would have stayed silent; I would have been written off immediately and I would have left with the people that introduced us in the first place.
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And why? Because I would have represented Jesus and she would have represented the evil Herod…. And just like in the Bible; Good and evil do not live in the same house old; not for long; war breaks out the way it should.
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So; Im getting closer to the truth; The real truth is not about this girl; the real truth is about the lies I told myself and now I have to undo in order to survive. I created a false image in my mind of the situation and it proved out to be. Nothing ever happened between me and that girl; it was all a figment of my imagination. I meant nothing to her and their was no one their to love; nothing existed. no human existed for me to love…. it was false….
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It was false; and that has been the biggest problem; facing this… this inside myself. But its not that hard to face because I am like Jesus and this monster is not nor ever was nor ever claimed to be or ever will be. My problem has been that Im to naive and nice. I should have gotten out of their within minutes. I learned my lesson. But still. iF the girl is pretty; I get memorized…. and stick around longer then I should by her looks.
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Have I learned my lesson; Yes; in many ways; but not completely; I still fall for a pretty face. But I dont. my eyes might; but not my nervous system. Today; looks do not move me; nor do false sprits or souls.
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The biggest problem Ive had is believing their spirit; their soul when its been false or on the dark side. They are calling out affection but its not to Jesus; its to the devil. And thats where ive been naive. And when Im around such vermin; I end up getting ripped to pieces. For they are all pure evil….
I walked into a nest of evil. And I have to let go absolutely. I was seduced and it didnt take long. its so easy for me to be seduced by a women… I mean she can if I think no red flags. or; who cares about red flags…. So its easy for them to seduce me. for me to make believe they are into me and on my side and with me and have my values. So its easy when they are a form of rapist and lawless… They dont care.
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So; the real problem is me reminiscing about something that has never been; a giant fantasy created in my own mind about someone or something that never existed.
In all reality; I found myself in a very dangerous situation and it cost me my all mental health; I was destroyed. I had turned this monsters into my first love. She never turned me into anything; I meant nothing to her; she had no interest in me and could care less that she ever met me nor would she have ever met me; we were perfect strangers.
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And the truth is hard for me on this subject and I dont know why; its my pride; I lied and thought I was going to get away with it and got caught; and thats what this is really about,. I thought I was in; the big time; but it wasnt so; and that hurt my pride and my ego… Their never was anyone their to love. I just through that in for good luck.
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I loved this girl with all my heart and my mind. And I had the rug pulled out on me abruptly and did not understand what happened.. I was around her or accepted by her and suddenly Im out on my a$$ on the street thrown out for good treated as If I was a good for nothing; worthless.
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And being thrown out and treated as If I was a good for nothing and worthless; thats what I could never deal with; I could not deal with what happened; I was thrown away again…. I was not accepted; I was rejected. It didnt work. I was not around friends….
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Today; I have God/Universe that does not reject me. And altho those Stories I have are so horrible in nature; some how I slipped by the grim reaper to survive to where Im at now.
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I did not know life was going to be so horrible. I had absolutely no idea….. none; could never have dreamed how horrible this all was…
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Today; I have God Jesus Universe Yoda on my side…. I have Jesus on my side. God universe….
Yoda is for the child me…. and me…..
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God Universe…..
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Now; I try to get the poison out of me and the lies from those stories of old. Stop missing evil…. for that is a sin against God. Turn to God for help.
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