July 2025
June 2025
The truth concerning the girl up the street. The truth would be at her darker personality trait level; what did she think of me... Thats what this is all about.
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My observation of her dictated to me that I knew what she was thinking and feeling. What I didnt know; she could act out any kind of manipulated lie toward me and non of it be true; and non of it was true. And thats whats waking me up.
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The question is; How come I didnt see it. Im starting to see it now because ive worked long n hard on my dissociative condition... And as the dissociative condition recovery shows up; slow as it is; I begin to question new things about whats really going on around me. and I remember more about her that I was not present for but registered.
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Im now looking back as my mind can handle more here now reality; Im starting to see her for what she was really doing; manipulating me completely; complete lie.
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I thought I had a friend. I thought we got along with each other; Thats the problem; that was not true.. Thus; this speaks of the dissociative condition and how one aspect of it operates. I could not see or feel the lower levels of her; of what was really going on; only what was going on in my thinking about her.
I wanted to love her I wanted someone that loved me or had the potential for it; so I picked her... and their it is.
What did I pick it on... I skipped over the keeper realties of the person; their was no one available for such a thing and I can prove it. I was not that person and she was not that person.
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With dissociative disorder; its scary because I can pick someone to be my friend based on what Im looking for in someone; The problem is; I can project what I want in someone on a stranger that is the opposite. the problem is; I cant see or register anything in a deeper level of them; meaning; I cant see red flags or any inconsistencies.
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I can pic the wrong person and think they are the right person because I cant see or hear anything strange or unusual about them because of my mental condition; in fact; I will never know anything is wrong until its 2 late.
I believe the normal person can pick these things up; that person that is aware. They would never go near this girl; not for 1000 miles...
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Was this girl deceptive. Kind of; yes; but; She was showing signs of having nothing in common with me or liking me; she didnt... I pursued her period; for a while. So; it appeared like I had massive confidence in the face of her negative aspect of me...
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The problem was; I never saw the negative aspect of me within her because I couldn't see it.
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From the work im doing now; I can look back and feel it and start to see it... She was deceptive and a liar but more important; a complete stranger. I do not think the person I saw in my head and wanted to go after; I dont think that person existed; instead was a stranger who was not interested in me...
I never saw the part of the person that was not interested in me. It was in front of me but I could not see it or feel it.. I looked at her the way I looked at a TV show or cartoon; it was pleasing to me. So I went forward and flirted with her; based on what I heard and saw. I was wrong.
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One major problem was PTSD. I was reliving my life from an earlier age and another place in my mind... In reality at the time; I was in a whole new city and environment...
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let those who might read this understand that Im trying to wake up from my condition; God is helping me; thats what all this work is for.
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Im attempting to brake the Projection problems I have from dissociative disorder.
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An example of my mental condition is; I know my worth; I know what Im working on. I meet you; you smile and are friendly but deep down you dont like me or feel safe. I never questioned this. Maybe my appearance is not safe or my credentials. Socially; most people have to think about this. if they want to be treated correctly they truly must look the part or no one will actually have any reference.
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So; part of me is asleep... And I found myself liking someone..
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I found myself liking someone; I liked the wrong person. I liked them on the triggers of their behavior that flashed cartoons in my eyes and mind. I saw her as a cartoon or a pleasant cartoon.
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So; if you just read the upper sentence I finished; it was trick sentence; I said " I saw her" and then compared her to a cartoon; but thats not what I said. I said I saw her as a cartoon; So; that is actually a lie. I never saw her. At that moment; I saw a pic of her or serious of pics of her in my mind that were flashed way close to the inner personal parts of my personality where intimacy lay. So; I saw those pictures in my mind; I was never looking at her... it was PTSD flashing in my head; suddenly I turn and am pleased with her; but it was never her I was looking at; it was the flashbacks I was triggered by... I saw those; it was cartoons or characters I saw on tv shows or movies and then I turned and saw her... My mind did not know the difference the whole time. Im not sure who or what I was projecting.
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Projecting from a point of dissociative disorder; not a good thing... not accurate of reality..
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I might meet someone and like them; they dont like me. They never did; so; thats not the person for me to be liking. and that is the difference of someone who does not have trauma dissociation and someone who does... The more healthy person finds people that actually like them first and then starts to project or what ever their doing or develop a relationship.
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The point is; with this Girl when young; I was projecting onto someone I believed liked me.
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So; here we go again. " I BELIEVE"; based on what evidence? Why did I believe that she liked me. There was just as much evidence that she didnt... And thats the great point Im trying to make. My mind did not register anything in that reality field because it was dissociated from that reality field. And it could not register or even see anything was wrong when it was completely wrong; fantastically wrong. It was almost being schizophrenic; the result was the same.
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In the end the person turned out to be a monster sociopath like; I never saw it; but she must have shown it all along the whole of the time I was around her I just didnt see it. She had violence brought against me; serious violence. and told others I meant nothing to her and later would not return my calls or didnt want anything to do with me or to hang out with me.
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She did not want to hang out with me
she did not want to hang out with me
she did not want to hang out with me
she did not want to hang out with me.
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A reality exists here that I just would not accept or wont accept even now; However, I do accept it concerning the evidence at hand.... Thank God for the 4th step in 12 step groups.
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I have a tendency to be out in outer space; not in reality. The interacting with this girl when young was almost schizophrenic. IT was schizophrenic
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The interacting with this girl when young was almost schizophrenic. IT was schizophrenic
The interacting with this girl when young was almost schizophrenic. IT was schizophrenic
The interacting with this girl when young was almost schizophrenic. IT was schizophrenic
The interacting with this girl when young was almost schizophrenic. IT was schizophrenic
The interacting with this girl when young was almost schizophrenic. IT was schizophrenic
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It was schizophrenic; and their ya go; and that situation died before it started... And with this deep dissociated condition and the long term PTSD and breaks from reality; so many of them; My ability to actually be present or see or here presence was so far off or not available; Im not sure who or what I was really dealing with.
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As I said; I was actually chasing after a sociopath who will show to be violent who never liked me or wanted me around... But some how I twisted the whole thing into a fantasy nightmare within my mind that what was in my mind was reality not was actual reality.
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I was heart broken; no wanted wanted me... no one even cared to try; nothing. I was left to die. no one wanted me ever; nothing; no one asked any question of why I was the way I was... no one; or school systems or institutions; nothing. No one... This girl did not want me. And that was a big deal to me... For; something had gone wrong. Something went wrong at the core that I could not explain ever.
But; by explaining what went wrong with this situation with this girl; I am explaining my mental condition and how it affects me socially... Its as good as schizophrenia; its the same thing; does the same thing; creates the horrible same inconstant ability to see reality correctly to render decisions based on actual physical going ons.. In a sense; I'm responding to whats going on in my own head... not the way things really are.
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In all reality; The girl in question; may not have been that deep because she did not have to be; she did not suffer from the same kinds of mental illness problems I did. She may have looked at me and wrote me off within hours as an unsafe qwak mental patient or someone wholly immature to be in a relationship. I appeared more autistic like; like handling a situation as a 5 year old.
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One of the problems was the cold heartedness of those around me that didnt understand me. of course I did not SHOW anyone my inner self. Meaning; why I acted the way I did; people just saw me as someone that withdrawn from life or physical contact or ability. Because I could not physically contact or function. Could not be present. Was not home. And throwing this on someone; they responded with thinking I was a weirdo and wanted no more to do with me; and that was that. No one stopped to ask why I was the way I was.
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unfortunately if I liked someone and they were one of these normee people who simply shuffled me off to the corner never to be seen again; and they took off to live their life; I was devastated; not only because they didnt want me because it was the mental illness conditions that drove them away and I couldn't do anything bout those... it made me feel like I should crawl up in a corner and go die somewhere.
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I got mad at the world because it didnt understand and no one wanted to or cared to nor God was bringing me people that cared to; no quality people.
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More m more Im trying to dig the real me out of this deep crevasse of instantly of the past; no better does is show up than with this girl. And a false light existed that got triggered and turned on within me while around this girl because I thought she Was one. That means she accepted me as I am.. She did not; she did nothing of the sort ever; that was my delusion and I will pay for that later.
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I saw a light in her toward me; NO! WRONG. I saw my own light and was looking at it but claimed it came from her and I was looking at her; WRONG. I was looking at my own light within me and then places her picture within that light and claimed she liked me... When; in reality; I was never outside myself; not even once.
Im not sure that all the writings ive done were ever really about the real person; she may have been long gone by then; I never really spent all that much time around her. I mean; from her perspective I may have only known of her a few times.
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The hard point is; I created this whole thing in my mind; looked inside myself; put her picture in that light; claimed it was a light coming from her because I could look inside myself and see the picture of her and the light as if it Was memory material and thus moved forward in the outside world toward a person I thought reflected what was going on inside me. This did not last but a very short time as all things began to break down and I could not function... And very soon she was long gone. And its as abrupt as that .
Again; the point of all this writing is to free myself of the real person and her perceived opinion of me during that time and all the fabrication in my head towered her. Or toward someone; mainly someone inside myself and not a real person.
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And all this work is to get me to a point that I can be strong enough in the damaged areas of my mind that no one really existed. There was no girl where I thought one existed. No one their long enough to like me; she ran off long before that and I never saw her again. I may have chased her a few times but that was it; the rest is in my head....
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So; Im trying to also get her off the hook and stop blaming who ever this was for absolutely nothing.
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And I think I hit on another real point; Blaming her for absolutely nothing! And their it is. now we are getting closer to the real psychotic truth. This person has nothing to do with this writing because their never really was a person that Im talking about. 90% of this is in my mind; taken in and scrambled.
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The goal is to finally give up the notion any actual person is attached to this segment of un reality.
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My problem is in my head and nervous system; not some random stranger I saw 4 times..... and called twice.
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Good; another sentence of reality; I said; " A RANDOM StrANGER". This affronts my dissociative condition; makes me angry and mad and realizing I controlled nothing because no one was actually their...
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No one was actually there... It was in my mind. but im not strong enough to accept this; part of my mind is damaged and weakened and does not want to a accept this. But Im trying to accept this; humiliating; I was made a fool out of. But actually; by myself... no one else was really around.
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I believe I wanted to be loved at the time; So I created a scenario in my head of what I thought was going on with this girl. And in the end; I ended up with the hope of falling for her but all that was ever their was myself and my thoughts and at some point my thoughts did not render me anything; I realized I was alone and always had been. Im not even sure whether I ever had a real chance with her.
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SO; another important aspect is coming up; im feeling the pain of all this; the deeper pain ive been avoiding. This is what I blamed her for. All my pain. And ill have to look at this deeper level.
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