July 2025
June 2025
New blog;
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So after doing much work on FIRST LOVE from the far past! ; Working with God; and sponsor for a very long time…
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Several things occurring.
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1. When very Young; Realizing with my codependency; I might be able to make it to her house (First Love) to meet her; but I couldn’t leave her house once inside; I just couldn’t turn around and go home because she wasnt interested; that long humiliating alone lonely path home with no one; failure; disappointment; I made a mistake… Discouragement. I could not accept I wasnt wanted and I made a huge mistake.. I couldnt go through Abandonment. I created a false narrative around her as if I had a chance with her; all fantasy; when I didn’t… She was already taken; not available. And she was never available to me; and I was never offered the chance… I should have just went home but I just couldnt. So; At that time when young; for months n months I will labor over nothing. She was not interested... I never got started with her. Actually; their was no one. I mean; no real connection between me and this person; it was all in my head.
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God;
I did not have an established mature relationship; working minute by minute relationship with God Jesus Universe; Holy spiritus; Angels of God… protectors… I had no power. And I had no one else. I was already broken and destroyed… Alone!
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THE NEWEST INFORMATION AND MAYBE THE BEGINNING OF THE FINAL INFORMATION…
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For the First Time; Finally; Nov 29th 2024
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I accepted I believe; 100% That I was mentally ill and very weak in mind and spirit and lost and desperate when I went to her house; and I accept that 100% She was not interested in me; She was just 100% playing me; and had no interest; I meant nothing to her… She probably never listened to a word I said;
She was not available…
Does this make sense. No relationship occurred; nothing occurred; dead silence nothing; I was played by someone who didn’t care… They probably would never see me again; never remembered my name; They felt nothing do not care or remember anything; I meant nothing to them100%.
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So; Their is nothing there… Nothing 100% zero nothing; Nothing to remember; nothing.
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Ive worked with God on this for a long long time. Done many different techniques to uncover the truth under Gods sovereign state…
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New Situation;
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So; For the First Time ever; something happened; As I was riding my bike to go and attempt to renew a document today; I saw a young women; And I thought; Im getting very close to having God work with me to find women suitable for me… to work with God on it in the REAL WORLD.
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Something happened; FIRST LOVE: Her picture popped up in my mind took over: This was from the child in me putting her picture up…
However; Something new happened;
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I saw my strong adult mind turn my head to the left a bit and I ignored it; I was able to bi pass that picture as if it has no power over me; I was thinking; Im better then this; I don’t need to look at that persons picture… and I was able to smoothly and strong enough evade that picture in my head and ride that rail above it until I got beyond it and then come back to my original alignment in my journey; FIRST TIME THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED>
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What does that mean? It means the adult in me is not interested anymore in that person; nothing. I take my chances now out in the real world with out anymore pictures of her… or remembrance of her; don’t need it; don’t want it. Im on a God Pathway; God is teaching me how to connect with GOd.. The horse first; Then the cart...
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Ive never been complete like this; Ive never been like this before… EVER!
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That is what all of this work is about; With Gods help; Ive become stronger in the present on this subject; Im running the show with God Now more n more; not the small child in me. The small child in me is not dictating my life on this anymore...
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I still love my inner child more then anything and Im sorry I ever could not protect my inner child self; I really was devoid of reality and Got my inner child and me into all kinds of problems; Altho I could dissociate reality; the adult in me; My inner child was left to take the abuse and torture from the outside.
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My inner child just kind of looked at me when he realized hes not in control anymore concerning this subject; He was not getting anywhere today with me; Nothing on this subject. And thats what this work is all about and why I follow The wisdom and help of God Universe Jesus Holy spiritus…
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What does this mean?
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It means Im working with God to be my actual broken ruptured brain self and start over as is… and work with God as is… here and now to the best I can right now. And start out…
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