July 2025
June 2025
First love; more on first love.
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I must clarify at some point. Im not sure what " first love: means; Its kind of a joke at this point; not on my side of things; but on giving it to the wrong person or should I say parasite or monster. Heres the point. Perpetrator predator. I never saw it damn it! How could I; it was like an alligator was waiting for me. Thats because an alligator was waiting for me. And the really hard question and sad question is or was; what was I doing? I mean; what had happened to me to get to that point or this point. My God... More n more Im starting to see it. This person up the street wasnt just a stranger; this person wasnt a real person; this was a monster wearing a mask... They were waiting to entrap someone; thats all they were doing... if the person coming to them was not a criminal type monster with no conscious and lawless then its over for them.
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The more I wake up about the sadness of my life and identity being demoralized to the low point of going up streets to strangers houses with no clue what they were about and acting like it didnt matter; crazy. Anything could have happened and it did.
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Interesting; I did not walk away; I was in freeze mode trauma bond shock the whole time. I never walked away from her.
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I was mesmerized from the start; only because she switch hats when I got their and acted out the way I would expect someone to act out that was innocent; she played the role; the mask perfectly.. 2 perfectly. I fell for it because she was playing a role that merrier'd me. This form of mirroring was sizing me up to play me or hustle me... Like a salesman sizing someone up to get things in common with them. If I acted like I was from the south; they acted like they were from the south to gain trust. She had to get my trust... And so she wore a mask to do so... and mirror'd me to manipulate me; same thing a serial killer does to seduce someone into their van or truck; trick them.... And then trap them and destroy them for the fun of it; monster.
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So; God is working with me on this. Slowly Im separating from the memories; these memories have been with me for a long long time. So; when I trigger a memory or a feeling and she shows up; its usually my fantasy of having her close to me and am its an intimate set of false memories; wishful thinking. Not anymore; I see myself stop; and Im propelled backward about 20 feet and I just look at her. and what do I see; a shark or alligator; nothing more because their was nothing more. And I have to keep working at this until I see nothing more because thats all that was there.
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Im the lazy one. Im the one that walked up to this monsters house and made her into something she was not. I made her into a human being right from the start; crazy. I didnt know better but still. And she from the beginning played me right to the floor on it; because thats all they do... They look for ways to play people right from the start; they are not decent people; they are not people; they are pure evil predators... More insect then anything else.. but ruthless predators... dangerous. because they want to destroy other human beings; murder's.
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I ended up in a position with this person that I never wanted to be or thought I would ever be and never thought I would be with her... " The nothing guy". I meant nothing to her; I was just being used and played with fake smiles and attention for the purpose of leading someone on. But this was not a game. these type of sadistic sociopaths are out to kill someone in one form or another. Their goal is control... and allot worse. I had no idea how I got myself into that... I just didnt care and I was to trusting...
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IT was easy for her to get my trust. I was a sitting duck...
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The worst part was I was lazy. Not thinking I had to be aware of my surroundings got me caught... and I was caught by her and didnt know it; she had full control over me and I didnt know it. And thats what makes me so damn mad. It was criminal. It was all lies.. The whole thing was a thrill ride for her; to see how far she could go. thats all this was.
I ended up with breakdowns that destroyed my life and suicide was very near; and a monster like this discards you and move on then claims they never knew me or liked me; I meant nothing to them; they change character and face and are completely opposite of what I started with. Its not that Im dumb; Im decent human being... I just never thought in a million years thats what was going to happen to me; and thats what she was counting on; that I would be the person that would think it would never happen to me in a million years; it build a false trust up front from the beginning because I was being lured hook line and sinker right from the start without having a chance to question what was right or wrong. But this was a game for these predators.
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The point of writing this today;
Im separating for the first time. More n more my mind is separating her out of existence from me. This has taken allot of writing and allot of work over much time. As I become more stable in my present life; I can question things like this girl in my life when young and ask God to protect me as I go into these memories with this monster and try to work through it. Violations; over n over; and worse. Stab wounds would be a better name for it; slash marks; Being emotionally and psychologically rapped by a female murder'r is much closer to it; a sadistic murder'r predator. Scary stuff. How could I have trusted someone like this; I mean; my God; I just gave her everything of myself with no discretion; I was so naive...
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So; Im separating now in each memory; its starting. the hard part is; Ive been married to her for almost 2/3ds my life in my head and nervous system. Shes been like a co dependent drug inside of me. Now Im separating from this co dependency.
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What takes her place?. Think of someone who lost their family and is on the streets; They get drunk all the time to deal with harsh reality. imagine if they stop drinking; they wake up and find themselves on the street and remember that their family is dead and they have no one and dont have a clue how to get off the streets. and nothing matters to them anymore; now that they've lost their family. So; they go back to drinking. I mean; How will they make the changes and handle reality once they stop drinking. And letting go of my first love is no different; its been a safety net and a drug for me all of life; almost all of it; and for some strange reason I delusionally believed it.
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So its a bit hard to let go of this giant drunk of a story. Its like it kept me drunk all this time and living in the past. And living in the past has been brutal because of this. Its hard to describe; its like being taken hostage; and my own lack of mental strength allowed this. She was my everything and I was addicted to her; just as she had planned; I guess the plan worked; she found a sucker; well; theirs a sucker born every minute. I didnt know I was working into a situation to be sucker.
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The fact is now; things are changing because God is clearing things up for me. First; Im learning how to separate myself from the memories of seeing her in my head in an intimate way. Now; I jump back 10 feet and Im physically separated from her in my memories. And the more I do this the more I change this narrative to something new... More n more she is not needed and can say bye bye... My co dependency on these thoughts has ruined my life. But thoughts were all I had left of her... Buts so horrible is she never really existed; the person I fell in love with; it was all contrived game thill ride on her part; thats all it was. typical sociopath. One violation after the other.. criminal. thats what she was.
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Its strange because I would fight calling her a violator... thats all she did the whole time. She was just a hustler con artist... manipulator; thats all this vermin is...
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If I choose to become free of this and wake up from it; and its already happening; I must have something to take its place. Also; Im scared; I dont want to get into another relationship with someone where Im just being taken advantage of... that really freaks me out...
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I remember this women online; more then one; saying that all she ended up dating were sociopaths; psychopaths and narcissists... and so she gave up dating. Because thats what she kept attracting. I understand; its scary... I dont want to attract someone thats going to hurt me like this or set me up... I really dont feel like going through that again.
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Even as I write this; a false narrative of what happens starts to creep back into my brain concerning the first love I had.
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I have to let go of the idea that I had a first love; because its not true. it just isn't... ive never had a love. and thats the most honest things Ive said so far. because I was never an honest responsible person going after someone that I wanted to meet... a nice responsible person to date... Something like that,. even talking that way makes me sick. yuck. but I know in the future it wont.
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Its not really responsible; that isn't the word Im looking for but it is. But Im thinking of something much smoother. But the same concept.
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All of this hurts to write about. damn.
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Im hoping I pick someone else to be in my fantasy to be close; thats what might happen; ill have to pray about it...
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IN THE PRESENT>.
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My social ability is picking up. im starting to take many more interactive chances with people. People I used to not talk to...
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I opened up spontaneously to this person tonight; told them about one of my hobbies. I didnt end the conversation very well; it was a bit narcissistic and chopped off at the end and I just walked away; I have to work on that; However, I really did interact fairly well.
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As for women; Ill have to loose weight. Here we go again; I can loose weight but Ill have to understand why Im loosing the weight and getting into shape again or at least my normal size... and keep it that way...
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With my social opening up slowly again; it reminds me of the person I once was with confidence with my best friend and around his family. However, little did I know his family and him were worthless. I looked up to them; they had me fooled. Until they could pull the rug out on me and I was ghosted completely as if I had never met them; horrible, Not anymore; now I understand; pure evil; thats all they were; nothing new here. Nothing.
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Im getting into my meetings more; the fellowships I belong to. Ive bought their literature; books and am reading passages of them when I speak at meetings as subject matter. im always with my book reading someone out of it. This is good this is new; God brought this to me. So; I have something solid in my life while I build the rest of it
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Building an adult life; thats what I plan to do; thats what Im planning.
Our partner
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