July 2025
June 2025
My first love was a mistaken identity. I kind of knew before I met anyone. But I didnt. I was so mentally ill and alone...
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I had no one but a whole world of problems... no one to help; nothing...
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I met this person; she was from a different caste system; she was from a more spoiled sociopathic rich entitled kind of background. I assumed she was broken person who wanted someone to love that would be her best friend; I thought; thats what I brought present. I was wrong; she was not looking for me. It was a mistake. Who ever she may have been interested in; it wasnt me. It could be Satan set us up because God was not with me; not going in that direction( I was innocent). And its just one more destaster to go with the rest of the disasters when I joined my mother on the coast again. It didnt last long; my mother was actually no more then a complete stranger with no ties to me. Nothing; accept the state made her keep appearances; She had to take me in so I had a place to live; but it wont last long. Everything was a disaster associating with those monsters on that side of the world; dealing with those people...
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The biggest problem dealing with my first love; Before I met her! I Was not suppose to meet her... thats the biggest problem. Someone of her nature; the normal person stays concerned and silent around until they leave; meaning if I had never met her... and she was walking by; I would have never said anything and she would have just walked by a stranger. This was not the kind of person I would want to associate with ever. I knew better... These types are fake and unreal... They are extremely dangerous. No concious; sociopaths. They will lead someone on; if the other makes a mistake; ther sociopath is gone never to be heard of again regardless of what they just put the other person through... No thought of the other person ever again. That means a person can believe they are building a relationship with someone; and poof; the other person is gone.. no more connection; it was all a game.
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In this case; it was a notch on her belt; showing the other rich kids that she just destroyed a lower class fool... Thats all it was. No problem; accept; how did I get in that position when I know better; I got caught. One reason; it was the events of the surroundings. I was with evil people and evil things and people began to show up all around me. I was so broken and mentally ill.
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I just wanted a best friend. This was not it; I mean; this was not a friend of mine; she hid that fact well as she led me on... But I think she was looking for someone else. I dont even think she realized I was not of her caste level or culture... I was a broken person looking for a family to visit; to have a best friend. I was a nice person. Nice people like me and Jackals like this dont mix! I was so dissociated from reality; I think anyone could have shown up under the radar and taken advantage of me. And they did; This being bi far; one of the biggest... This was an evil person... And finally God got me out of that situation; I was destroyed.
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Looking back on it; I mean; I meant nothing to the person; She refused to state she ever liked me or wanted a romantic relationship; she denied the whole thing; buried it; moved on; lied about the whole thing to cover it up... just like killing someone burring the dead body and moving on; same thing; just murder'rs.
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THE PRESENT:
Is it possible to get a new best friend; YES! I have to move on from the old concept of this fake one. I have to remember; the first girl I loved did not love me nor was she a friend of mine; she was nothing; ( and I have to accept that)or I was nothing to her. She was an opportunist; those are or were some of her values... Being myself as I am had no value to this person; if I was friendship material it meant nothing to her; if I could be her best friend; it meant nothing to her... Human relationship stuff means nothing to her...
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People like this; evil; are not looking for best friends; they are opportunists...
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So; its like starting over for me emotionally... And the first I have to do is become myself again; and rid myself of any power or memories of people like this monster from my past... or monsters of my past... and start over. I think this is possible... I know this is possible.
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NOTE: Right now; this girl has to be drawn down into the wood work of the past; where it sits of little value... meaning; its no more powerful or of importance then the old wood shelf it sits on... its past. Its past because its the same horror as everything else I went through at that time... its becoming of no more than equal value...
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Im not sure what starting-over looks like concerning a new best friend in women. I dont know. I kind of do tho... I nice girl. Ill pray about this; I know some nice girls; WOmen! So; I mean; they are out here...
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So... However, all of the fake thoughts I have of my original first love; they must be analyzed; seen for the satanic nature of who they represent; and pulled out at the roots; I must see this person as a satanic monster for what they were or are... and nothing more; because they are nothing more... and anything else is none of my business.
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Ill get their working with GOd; Ill get to a place of starting over; Im all ready their! However, I get triggered when I move forward...
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So; its not honed out enough yet; The past has to go.. especially this girl and her family; they must go into the darkness of which they came... I must work with God to go in Gods directions... and move forward through those times into a new time... It as some power; but its dwindling.. slowly; more n more; it has no hope or power behind it; its life is dying... and thus; shows no hope of that time period or anything associated with it. I have God to answer with or to or for or talk to about it; in addition to 12 step groups.
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I meant nothing to her; She said; tell him hi; tell him to have a nice life... Seeya.... No respect of any kind; nothing; Just some con artist; thats all it was!
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So; I was selling myself out to a con artist... that means I was going after a liar and a thief! Im worth more then this; much more than this... And all the memories I have of her. They must get to a point; shes just a liar and a thief and nothing more... con artist opportunists... Actually thats even to much for me to say about this.. Because I dont even know the person well enough to say anything; meaning; they are not that important to me... God is important to me; They wanted me groomed out of having a GOd; they wanted to be God and for me to give my attention to them as God; I refused... Thats part of the problem here. I realized these people were evil and left. This girl could care less.
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This also means; this persons heart was not with me ever! That could mean the person didnt want me around but was intimidated or scared when I showed up or called and they handled it by fooling me until I left... ? Their heart wasnt with me; cold as ice; worse; I nothing! But thats not how they acted around me...
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It means they never liked me and they never wanted me in their home. Im wondering why I didnt see this. This is the part where I feel tak'n; I was led on... I have to work through this; they are not honest decent people...
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I had some idea I was going to help the person? This liar doesnt need or didnt need any help? This was nothing but a game.
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Ill keep working with God on these things...
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I was looking for a nice person. Why I thought this was going to be that nice person; I have no idea? Thats the work that needs to be done.
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This is not the first time I went through this. This type of thing started back when I was in 1 rst grade... probably before that!
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So........
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What is life without those memories of those people... Ill have to work with God on building my own life!
I hate that my precious life was messed with by these worthless filth.... I really hate it!
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I really have to work with God on stuff...
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Why would I think that if I got involved with someone of this nature; why would I think I would not be taken advantage of... Thats the real ticket... So; work with God first.
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So; I have allot of work to do here....
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I put false worth on myself of how I thought others would treat me or see me; It was false; I just thought they valued having me around; in reality; they were plotting how to get rid of me and they never wanted me around... I wish I had known that... Ill have to work with God on that....
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I have GOd; thats what counts.
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My self worth so low; I accept or put up with the lowest of people that never see any value in me nor care about such things...
And I can never get anywhere with people like this; If I want a friend or best friend; Ill have to get to a higher level; being with someone of an awareness that is capable of seeing value in me.. It starts in my imagination. It grows and God makes things happen in my imagination.
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I thought I could go find someone that didnt see what I see; and I would be their savior; I would save them and they would appreciate me and love me. The problem with this is; they can also bite me and leave me; They dont care because they dont have any values in the first place; its a useless dead end street. They look at me as if Im a dime or dozen; they see no value in me or difference then another 100 people; nothing; they see nothing!
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However, I have God and if i work with God enough; God can bring what I need to fill in those gaps of the areas of lack of love in my life... God can bring safe people; I will work with God! ...
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I dont have a Lack Of Love; Ill have to come up with some other words.. definitions.. Ive got things in my life but I must keep working on this First Love thing until i get myself back; until I come back from that dark place and sick history and Im myself again.. I was not loved by anyone their and no one called out to be loved and for me to show up and love them. I wasnt wanted or needed or asked to show up. I was looked at with destain when I did.
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I have to work with the universe on all things...
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