July 2025
June 2025
Im getting closer to the answer... Its the answer I was looking for... The universe is leading me in the right direction... The universe is leading me...
.
NOTE: Go in the direction of GOd; get on my knees; pray; stay silent; let the evil people pass... .
...
The answer concerns the girl I met when young but also me; the acceptance that she is not here anymore; and thus the feeling of being all alone... not only being all alone but not being accepted anywhere else in life; having no one and no thoughts of connection.
.
NOTE; The innocent child in me did love her; Did love her; innocently; Thus; a grieving stage still exists.... its at the deepest core of me. I was led on; and did not know I was being led on.. I simply didnt know what was happening... I had absolutely no idea I was being played or fooled... This went on long enough for me to fall for her; fall deeply in love with her thinking she was my best friend; This was a complete fraud on her part; she was just playing someone to see how far she could get; it was a thrill or exciting to do so for her. A complete disrespect... This is what happens when one deals with the rich... rich kids. I had no real idea. I was not accepted; I just didnt know. it wont hit for a long time... But most of my life non of these people accepted me.
.
Most of the middle class kids; many of them; didnt like me; or wanted anything to do me later. I did nothing to them... I tried to make friends with some of them; but later they wanted nothing to do with me. The reason I think; They didnt need me as much as I needed them...
.
I didnt realize what was going on here! I still dont; except I was not one of them culturally.
.
So; where do I go from here!
.
==================================================================================
.
However, something else has happened; Family vs opportunistic social popularity...
.
As I work with the universe on all things and I learn to ask for the truth; see the truth and let go; Now; I see family as the answer; Im seeing traditional family.. When in the past I saw nothing because I was rejected by all family systems and friends. I should say all friends rejected me; thats because they were never with me in the first place; I never knew! if I had known this I would have left when very young; left them. They were fooling me. Meaning; I had no friend; Those people were not my friends; they thought they were superior to me and I White trash... Ive been through this several times...
.
NOTE: Many people I had to reach out to; I had no one; and those people ended up getting a bit bombarded by me... and started to protect their time... I wasnt wanted; because THey didnt need me; they had families... I reached out to them. They did not reach out to me. A few times I thought I was getting somewhere; but in reality; I never was... I was just being used or someone was vying their time while I was present... In the end they were never friends of mine; they ended up like everyone else; no one wanted me or wanted anything to do with me.. THese were not my friends... I mean; its that simple; these people were not my friends...
.
So; who are my friends; God will have to bring the right people to me. Ill have to work with GOd to create a new life.... And first; I have to keep working on letting go of the old one...
.
.
.
.
So; most of my life when I had to let go of people; I saw nothing in its place. I was truly all alone. Now I see family in my mind; traditional family; and it belongs to me. That comes from the universe and the 12 step groups...
.
.
So; through my life Ive attracted scumbags; thats the problem.... Including the first girl I fell in love with...
.
NOTE: The first Girl I fell in love with dumped me in a sense.. Thought she was better then me... Thought I was white trash... Actually; dumped me before I ever met her... in a sense. She was playing me the moment I set foot on her property; but I never saw it. Thats a big problem... I fell for it; I actually never knew what was happening; its not that I wasnt smart enough to know about such things; For some reason I let my guard down thinking this person and her family who lived up the street were safe; no big deal. I couldnt have been more wrong.. it was not a wise thing to do; However, I did know know.... I was completely in the dark and im going to be kept that way by this person for a while; for a longer while. I will not know whom I dealing with for a long while.... And within this time period; I will be set up..
.
So; THis First Love is actually not a first love... She is my first love feeling because someone set me up... it was all contrived. And I have a feeling it had been done before to others by this person; not just me. And I believe many people passed associating with this person; on this person... They didnt get involved; now I know why!
.
I thought I was special and because I was special; I would be seen as special and treated as different and taken care of and treated like Prince and so on..... However; thats not what happened; I was just getting set up to take a fall; thats all that happened...
.
I was being played the minute I stepped on the property. The whole family was this way; brother father mother sister; all of them; from the beginning of their lives... THey were not looking for change... THey were not questioning if anything was wrong...
.
I began to see and feel much wrong the minute I entered their home. I felt sorry for the girl because she wasnt being treated with any love. In the end; I was wrong. She was just fine and had no problems with her family system.
.
What I didnt know; I was being played from the start. While I was assessing the situation with this girl; I was looking out for her; seeing how she could be loved... She secretly was playing me the whole time. This means; I was not accepted nor wanted on their property; I Was not respected by anyone... They never wanted me their in the first place.
.
NOTE: IVe seen this kind of thing many times with MIddle Classr's; THey have this image they want to keep and they dont respect anyone else who doesnt have this image... This girl up the street; Same thing and much worse.
.
I was a stranger showing up at her house; thats all I was... she was playing me with contempt from the first minute I showed up; I just didnt know it... It was all a play... an acting job... THats what I didnt want to admit or look at or I was confused about.
.
THis person will take this game as far as she can... Its a thrill ride for her... She looks down on me and things Im nothing... And thus will play me into the ground...
.
I as associating with these people because I needed desperately to part of a new family; I did not have one anymore. The people I was living with were strangers to me... they did not want me...
.
Back to the subject;
.
A different light on the Girl up the street; my first love.
.
Unfortunately or more realistically; I have to see this girl as a negative factor... completely. Their was no redeeming qualities about this person; this is a lawless predator; that's all this is.
.
I have to see this monster for what they are... And the first thing that must go; is me! I have to see myself pulling away from this monster over n over n over and never returning..
.
Pulling away from the monster;
And this is what is happening now!
Im learning in my imagination to pull away from this monster...
In order to pull away from this monster; I must see them for what they are....
More n more Im seeing them for what they are; and they are much worse then I imagined..
They set me up as if their interested in me; just to pull the rug out from underneath me... In this case; I fell for it. I actually never saw it coming. I was focusing on other things.
.
One has to remember; this person never came to me; I went to them. I called them; I showed up at their house... They had all the power one might say. I began to believe we had a relationship or potential for one; she went along with it... But she was deceptive and it was a lie... It all was a lie... and today; that is a good thing to know.
.
I had no one when young; so; all i had was my hopes and dreams in her. And thus; putting ones dreams into a psychopath or sociopath is an insane thing to do; However, in an act of desperation; I knew no different.
.
THE UNIVERSE;
So; working with the universe in the present; Im slowly breaking down everything I can remember about the person and allowing the universe to help me see things as they were... And I am... and its not a new story; what happened to me. its the age old story of someone with contempt leading me on and destroying me out of nowhere...
.
I was a nice person. I thought that gave me some power; it meant nothing out here in the real world... it meant something to me and something to God but not these scum in this society...
.
I learned kind of a lesson from this girl... Nothing is free; she wasnt free either... I couldnt just walk up to her house because someone invited me and expect her or anyone else to suddenly accept me for who I am... That is ridiculous... But its not about me... its about people like this girl who are criminal in nature and that people like myself must stay away from these scumbags... This is not a joke... Evil vs Good! Thats what this is about! I had no idea I was talking to and walking with evil and Ill pay for it dearly...
.
The goal is to wake up and see this person for who they are... keep asking and working with the universe to see this person for who they are. The more I ask and see; the more a specific picture is forming.
Im starting to see the little nuances; the tiny movements of this person where they are trixters and lying... and they are purposely portending... Im starting to see all of it. Nothing good was in this person... nothing! And thats what im starting to see. Its laughable to say this person needed Jesus; My God; I needed to get out of there! This was a demonic place of monsters and nothing more...
.
.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!
.
ITs finally starting to happen for me; Ive been able to take in enough information about this person and finally; with the universe helping me; see this person for who they were; the real sycophant... This was no friend of mine! This was a dangerous person...
.
THe more work on do on this situation and come to light; the more I appreciate being in the present with what I have. Knowing Im away from scum like this person from my youth...
.
Its most imperative that I know longer need this person in my subconscious or conscious mind. That I am able to work through the past; not be subject to its control; or co dependent on these filthy people of the past... filthy scumbags...
.
Its important to come out of denial and see these worthless filth for what they are and what they were doing to me. I mean; I was being set up to take a major fall; thats all they were doing with me... I was not gaining friendship or relational security. I had no friends here. No one loved me here; nothing...
.
So; to get to a point; that I should go home and never talk to these people again and feel fine about it; not think about never seeing them again... getting to that point; and I think thats where this is heading as I work with the universe; because their were no redeeming qualities to talk about concerning this person and I must get to the point that I appreciate what I have now and not worry about what I supposedly lost. In reality; I lost nothing! And that's where this is all going.
.
So; where am I landing; Well; because of the work with a higher power; Im landing back into my original self concerning family.
.
So; Im getting my original self back; my original family interests that were taken from me...
.
Im getting back the belief I can be my original self and stand with God and I dont need anyone else; in the sense of the predators that tried to destory me when young. I dont need to ever see them again.
.
This does not mean I dont need people; I do; I need them in proper situations of safety; it needs to be safe... safe enough...
.
I needed to see all predators from the past as they really are... and move on from them.. Work with God....
.
Its still not over; its not done. They still are to close to my heart literally within me; possibly trauma bonded... I was broken and couldn't live without them...
.
.
.
.
.
In some cases; like with my first love; I found the scumbags... and I went toward them, not knowing what they were... and I had a kind of false perception about myself; I thought I could not get hurt.. The problem was; I was not looking at these scumbags from a TV screen; I was up close and personal with them... When I let out emotions and tried to get hooked in with them; I was taken advantage of and destroyed immediately. Or immediately played. And I didnt know what was going on... These were not my friends; they were scumbags who thought they were better then me... I didnt really get the bigger picture. I was not one of them; that was the message. It didnt matter what kind of person I was; I was not accepted and never knew.
I would say its all about money; but its about more then that; Non of these people would have met me... Non of them. I met all of them first. IF I had no met them; I would not know them... More importantly; they would not know me... And they were never suppose to know me... Thats whats important; non of them. A whole life of being around the wrong people.
.
The meetings are still not easy; I get people in those places wanting to take advantage of me at times; I have to work with God on those things.
My First Love; To get closer to the truth... That is the goal. And things are opening up and changing. Its just hard being so alone. I have 12 step groups but no one I trust... I dont seem to fit in with anyone...
.
So; Ill turn to God... and find out where Im suppose to go or fit in; what am I suppose to do next.
.
.
MUSIC AND ART...
.
The real me seems to be coming through a bit...
.
Im remembering some years of college; wanting changes... college was a bizarre strange weirdo experience.
.
I did not fit in with anyone....
.
I would like the Art part of me to open up and understand why Im doing what Im doing; what for; and where does it go... \
.
.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ First Love; Getting closer to the answer
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.046s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.25
Time : 3.046s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.25