July 2025
June 2025
Finished with the past; learning how to move forward…
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I want to learn how to work with God.
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My bad attitude tells me; I have to learn how to work with God or else; or else I don’t get what I want. Its from a position of want and need; Wanting. I don’t want that kind of negative defensive positional attitude. I want to be retrained by the universe so I have a positive outlook; kind of secure confident attitude at this point; like Im being taken care of and I don’t have to worry about things. Its where I “ believe in the universe” and I want things; I just have to work with the universe on how to get them.
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Ive been through massive hardcore abandonment and neglect; So Its easy for me to get triggered. The psychological affect of this is to much for me. Even if things are possible in a positive sense; I turn everything into negative and run to the corner to hide from the world; a world creating more pain. Its rational and irrational thinking at the same time; it feels like Im responding to a rational and irrational world at the same time.
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Here is an example of it;
This is a philosophical example. This did not happen to me in the real world… Im just using the example to highlight a concept; a principle… How I see things in my head…
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Here goes;
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Example 1; Hopeless learned helplessness negative outcome…
I imagine I want to be a musician… I want to play in a band. And I get my hopes up: However it requires a truck to move equipment; music equipment for performance. Alas; I give up and get angry. I don’t have a truck and I don’t function in the real world because of mental health problems.
Now Im really angry withdrawn and defeated because I see no way I can get a truck and maintain one. Now; as before in my life; this is one more example of society keeping me from what I want to do and its overwhelming for me; I had a goal but it required a truck I don’t have. I give up; I just don’t want to deal with any more abandonment and pain from people placed things or society; Things like, expecting to get a truck. Im going to go to my room and hide and forget about everything; every-being; ever being anything in life; Im so sick of this; these loopholes for society where I cant fit in because I don’t have enough as I am ( meaning a truck) in this case. Meaning; I want to be a performance musician but don’t have a truck; its always something. When it comes to real world; like getting a truck; the money; the consistency of taking care of a truck or managing something; thats to much for me.
Im just going to give up; Ill just watch you-tube the rest of my life; Forget about big dreams; whats the point. Im always walled in.
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NOTE: However; after writing this and coming back to it; Im already getting some positive answers for its solution.
The beginning of solutions that are coming to me. Ive made myself out to be to big; to important; lets start small.. at the beginning. I can do many things for a long time performing very basic and simple; all I need is a ride to start with… Getting started is more important then any material thing…
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Example 2;
Meeting a women; and again; this is a made up scenero; Im using it as an example for my point..
I met this girl; women; lets say; I like her; Ive been joking with her; but whats the use; she can get better guys then me; she has plenty of options; why am I putting myself through this torture… Why bother; Ill just watch you-tube videos the rest of my life. Ill forget about relationships; why bother; whats the point; Im shot down before I get started; No one notices me; Im nothing to everyone…
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As far as the girl Ive been flirting with; I give up; Ill just walk away; Im not stupid; this person is not interested in me and is not going to marry me! Assuming marriage is a safe things to do these days… A positive thing; a positive type relationship. And if not; well then; any form of long term relationship; whats the point of being humiliated attempting to get one… Why go through this… Whats the point.
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So; here are 2 examples of my attitudes I still have and attitudes Ive had most of my life. Did I ever get into any long term meaningful relationships? NO! Did I ever become a Performing musician? No.
Whos fault is it? Well; At first; I would say its women's fault and societies fault; mental health and how I got mental health problems; Thats the fault. And the mental health part is real; its about being a victim; and victimized and that is real..
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Breaking down these examples; looking at them from different view points; different angles; maybe seeing from different points of view…
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First; in my real life; I had opportunities to marry real women; but I opted out; I chickened out. I did not take it any further. I claim they were evil people bad people and spoiled people and so on; However; the universe continues to intervene and bring up another point of view; “ Did I like them” And “ was I happy with them”. The answer was; Yes! Heres the next question; “ could I have married them”. The answer; YES! I believe… I could have; but I dropped out; chickened out long before anything got started.
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NOTE: instead of saying " could I have married them"; I would say; Could I have talked to them about it; could I have ASKED them to marry me. Yes! I could have; but it was so hard for me and demeaning; I didnt. I still had massive issue concerning my mother. So; the question is; not whether these women would marry me; the question is; could I have asked them to marry me. So; The problem has to do with the asking. I couldnt ask anyone; it was to much trauma triggering to get that close in with people; I could not get close to people because of severe trauama from the past; sexual abuse and being preditorized and my dealing with my parents who never existed. They used me up to about the age of 5 and then pulled away because I was growing up. Actually it starts at age 7 in more severe ways; the neglect. I was being thrown away because I was no longer a small child who could be manipulated without questioning who they were... and it was perminant; they were monsters.
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So; I have allot of inner work to do on this subject... atleast I can see it.
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Fair enough; if I dropped out on these women; Did I decide what kind of women I really wanted and go after new women: NO! Why? I felt defeated; what was the point; why bother… Was I working with God or universe at the time of these experiences; NO! Thus; I had no universe to turn to; I could not utilize the universes; Gods Power! I had no power!
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It seems in the case of marring women; I was frightened of something. I was afraid she would find out she had married a loser or a bum or someone so immature He could not function past the age of a 6th grader; She would have to literally take care of me; I could give nothing to a family; not monetarily; I could not give anything financial and I just couldn’t live with that. But I did love the girl right; Well; Right!
Did I give her a chance to decide for herself; NO! I would have been found out to be a fake… And I didn’t want her knowing I had lied about who I was. SO I just dropped out. This concept will plague me all of my life and I will never get married or have any long term relationships; Im to afraid Ill be judged as a loser and laughed at by those I would be interested in; instead I dropped out… I dropped out of society and life. I didn’t care anymore.
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UPDATE; After working with the universe; The girls I liked when young or wanted to marry; They were Crime Channel sadistic psychopathic sycophants.. These are the same personality types; traits like Serial killers/Stalkers; people who specialize in manipulating people in and destroying them for what ever sadistic pleasures.. They were not ever safe people for the general public to be around; ever. Am I saying this correctly; they were deranged people no half way normal person would ever associate with. No one would find themselves around Horrible deranged insane people like this. The point is; How did I.
And as the universe heals me and shows me the truth; I lost nothing by never associating with them again; in fact; I didn’t know it but Jesus was saving my life as hard as possible; as fast as possible.. Saving my life…
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God was doing everything God could to get me out of there.
THESE PEOPLE DONT COUNT: THESE MONSTERS; Im starting to see what they were really like. They don’t count for anything; zero; there is no loss never associating with them ever again. Its horribly diverted lost direction found me in the presence of darkness that brought me to these under-current deranged sadistic wierdo’s.
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So; my new to life. As far back as I can remember; Ive been disoriented by these types of monsters… And unfortunately at times I actually found them and tried to hang out with them not know what they were until it was 2 late. However; the universe has helped me to understand the type of night stalking vampires I was dealing with; unbelievable. As I get better; Im sickened; The Universe God has shown me what I was really dealing with; If one were to watch THE EXORCIST; That girl represented as the devil is simply who Im talking about. One is trapped or manipulated in by these satanic monsters… They are non human; have no human characteristics; psychopaths…
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God has revealed to me a revulsion for anyone like this; I realize I was just manipulated in and taken advantage by a criminals and the dumped.. I mean; thats all it was. I was a victim of a crime; thats all it was. I was probably a victim like many who ever got near any of these weirdo's.
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The universe is trying to help me; and is helping me… Im starting to wake up; I lost nothing not knowing these people.
The faster I could get away from these low life weirdos’ the better for ever; don’t miss anything… Get out of there as fast as possible from these creeps.
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So; I am getting a whole new look at things; the universe is bringing me back to my life; God Jesus Holy spirit is bringing me back to my life…
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NOTE; Could I have helped any of these people; theses sycophants; Some of the female versions I wanted to marry? Ill ask the Universe! And the answer is; ( pause); NO! I could never help any of them; I was not even suppose to ever put myself into harms-way by associating with them. I had no idea who I was dealing with. To save my life was to get out of there as fast as possible; I had no idea what I had fallen into; or how far down I had fallen. These monsters were looking to feed and I was the meal; its that simple; they were looking to destroy something; thats all they were doing.. sinister and illegal criminal.
So Im getting it; its not hard now to let go of the past; its getting easier. I asked God to show me the truth; and man; am I ever getting the truth… amen.
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THE MUSICIAN TRUCK PROBLEM;
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So; I mentioned a second problem; And God please be with me as I write this; amen; Your will God not mine; Amen!
I mentioned how I give up all the time because the world defeats me before I can get started; in this case; I want to be a music performer so I would need a truck to haul musical gear; and I don’t have a vehicle. And I don’t want to have the up keep of something I cant keep up; not that I now how to have the funds for such things.
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Answer; First; when I was like this; defeated; And Im still like this; someone who has these real world issues that get in the way; Meaning; the idea is good; being a performing musician; but then the real world gets in the way that is beyond me; the need for a truck to haul things; with these problems I feel grounded and stuck. It seems like theirs always something; I have a plan or an idea; but it requires things in the real world to happen that I have no idea how to participate in. In fact; the whole thing brings on fear because I feel like Im not enough. And I don’t know what to do about it.
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I used to give up… Today; its different. Im not saying Im good at working with God; I will say thats where I put my faith… And having a positive faith is what Im talking about. It means I wont give up the dream of playing music live or having a truck I can upkeep with on a daily basis. I don’t want something I cant take care of. But; I can take all of this to God.
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So; my brain is messed up; Its used to looking back at CPTSD/PTSD/dissociation/ clinical depression and what caused it/ AVPD/ Anxiety/ Addictions based on trauma experiences… And so on….
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Im used to be caved into my head where I recede back into my head and hide.
The problem is; I don’t have resentments anymore; I worked on them in 12 step groups. The last one is FIRST LOVE: Shes been worked through on paper to a point of understanding; the power has gone out of allot of those lies surrounding that persons fake association with me; to appoint she is not real to me anymore and she doesn’t matter anymore. Memories of First Love are a liability and of no interest to my central nervous system; Not anymore…
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NOTE: First love was not a FIRST LOVE; SHe was a criminal minded preditor who; she and her family lured innocent people into their realm to take advantage of them; once yoused; they throw the poeple out; decent people Im assuming; like myself. These are people who take advantage of people in criminal ways; and thats that! They have no real relations with their victems... They take advantage of their victems from the start by fooling the victim... The victim has no idea they are in the hands of preditors until its to late; the victim is fooled.
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So; I have a brain that is used to looking back at PTSD CPTSD all the time in my head and thus my nervous system is shocked by it; meaning; it feels like an electric shock going down my legs and inner arms; my whole nervous system is attacked all the time.
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Now; in the present; after working on resentments. I don’t have a head full of ongoing attacks. I stopped looking back into a past that no longer has any interest to me; The door is still open but no one is putting any interest in that area…
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NOTE: However; their is still PTSD and CTPSD and Dissociative disorder; those things still exist; the issue is; I have a better understand of the monsters that victimized me. Im not longer interested in looking back at some of them...Ive been set free from that in some forms.
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The problem; My brain is used to recoiling; what seems like a every few seconds and much more; always under that anxiety stress of PTSD. The problem is; My brain is empty of many things now; in my imagination; but my mind still recoils as if its being triggered all the time and it tries to send signals down my nervous system; but theirs no thoughts attached to it. It just kind of dissociates on its own at very common time periods; its dysfunctional. I Still have Dissociation and PTSD CPTSD...
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So; here I am; I want to create a new life for myself now. And I will work with God on this. On the things I want; I use techniques from books of those who seek wealth in their thinking processes for setting goals and going after goals for wealth; And this process in connected into the universe and my guidance system and the laws of attraction. I use the book; Think And grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. I use it religiously. Besides the Bible and Jesus; and Shakespeare; its the real world practical success Book for me for making changes in my life for everyday living interests.
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So; Ill be doing that now; Ill be creating goals Im interested in. Goals like a truck. The problem is; I don’t really want a truck; I want the problem of solid transportation for loading and hauling musical equipment. Im not sure what or how the universe will handle this. The question is to not give up; not be defeated in feeling even tho I have no idea how the universe is going to pull this off.
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However; here’s my point. Because I don’t have a truck ; I end up giving up on my musical interests to play live and I don’t go back to them. If I don’t have a truck; Ill just look into other hobbies; However; thats not working anymore to dissociate like that or AVPD that problem; to avoid… To run off.
The problem is; because I don’t have a truck; its a slamming negative to me; and that negative is associated with playing music live. And thus I start hating the idea of playing music alive because it brings up my poverty. And thats the problem. How do I keep a positive outlook on the things I want to do whether poverty or any other problem is causing a problem…
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So; today I turn to the universe. I pray about it and Ill write stories as if I have everything I need to perform music; as if I have all the gear I need; and the trucks I need to haul things to gigs… And the gigs; places to play.
And the ability to focus on practicing.
Ive never been able to finish or learn one song with chords and lyrics; Im afraid PTSD and long term CPTSD and Dissociative disorder have allot to do with this; However; I still have my goals.
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NOTE: Im to afraid to learn one full song; Im afraid someone can use it against me; they will have some part of my volnerability..
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The key is a goal of appreciation for the goals I have under God. The goal is to stop dropping out and learn to stick-it-out. Meaning; Work with God; And be appreciative and keep working at things with a positive attitude concerning a positive outcome; DONT GIVE UP…
What does that mean; in my case; if I want a truck; it means; Truck shows up; The ability to maintenance the truck shows up; the ability to pay for gas and insurance shows up; and tires and registration and so fourth; it all shows up. I means I keep working with God and Gods avenues to keep at this until everything shows up; it means believing ; believing , believing believing believing; keep working with God on believing no matter what. Keep strengthening the believing. Amen.
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NOTE: I do have mental illness from trauma; and all the middle class sounding coaching in the world will not stop the problems here. What im trying to say in this blog is; I do have some things Im in control of; Im attempting to change my attitude about things; that is something I can work on.
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So; did I describe the goal; the real meaning of the goal of believing and working on Believing as a goal no matter what; creating stories about believing no matter what.
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What kind of guy do I need to become to have a truck and maintain it; Ill be working with God to become that guy.
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Im noticing something else; I really need to keep working on clearing out my mind from my past; the passage ways; get them straitened out and get forward again and create a family for myself; I really want that to come home to. So; Ill be working with God on that as well; Cool.
I never really talk about the feeling and visual of having my own family but Im starting to see it and feel it.
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Anyway…
I think Im making myself clear.
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MANIFESTING THROUGH GOD AND THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION; I just love this process; this is the way I do things… and I love love love it.
I know of others that don’t like this process nor believe it or in it; No problem; thats is their right to not like it or believe it; But its also mine to love it and believe in it completely under God; And I do… Amen…
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KEYBOARDS and Music; Musical keyboards for home use; recording and to use hooked up to computers; This is a hard one; to work with the universe on what I actually need and want and will imagine I want and need. In fact; I need to do more work and studying on exactly what I need and want until I have the answers.
LIVE KEYRIG; This means; a set of stage piano like keyboards for playing live on stage; I havent got a clue what I need or want; I kind of knew what I need I just don’t know exactly.
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The problem is; I end up buying 25 different keyboards; and all of them kind of work sorda; toward what I want… So; I guess more research on what I want.
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I take this stuff to God and not getting the answer I need. So Ill keep working on studying what kind of key rig situations I need and stuff for hooking up to the computer; amen…
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The point is; I get stuck; Im not far enough down the lane to know exactly what I want; and it can get frustrating… Im in that place when it comes to music equipment for stage and studio. Ill be working on this… writing new stories as if I already got what I want. And Ill study what others have and make notes. Amen.
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FAT is a problem....
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WORKING WITH THE UNIVERSE:
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Im beginning to get more deeper messages from the Universe. The universe is showing me the people Ive dealt with in the past are monsters and their would be no relationships with them; they were never seeking relationships; they were never nice people; they were never people; They were far gone preditor type criminal monsters... Preditors that set up and hurt children. And othes who set up and hurt innocent passer-bys... Meaning; random innocent people they came into contact with. Innocent people who were unaware they were being manipulated...
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So; Im starting to see I belong to Jesus; I belong to the Universe; I belong to the Holy Spirit; I belong to and have protection from the leagues of Angels in Gods Kingdom; they are my army who protects me... And anyone else made of God energy that God sends to me with the idea of being a helper and helping me. Amen...
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