July 2025
June 2025
First Love; Slowly creeping up on it. Its still an animal or a wall somewhat bigger then I am; but here is the thing; As I continue to grow and get bigger and stronger under God; it remains the same. It it not far away; it is very close; but has a kind of poison power… its a kind of personalty rupturing as I get closer to it. Im not there yet; I cant deal with the loss nor can I deal with what this “First Love” concept is covering up?; Sexual abuse humiliations and fears terror horror and being thrown away completely from my parents where I don’t live with them anymore nor do I have my original house anymore; Nothing!
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So; I let go of “ First Love” To end up at a place in my head I cant deal with… and have had no answers for. However; Now; with the new life Ive been building; I do have something built up… I have an alternative power universe then when I was in my adolescence and young teenage years. However; That sexual abuse period is not dealt with; its 2 much because their was no place to escape..
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So; Ill be working with God on it. And Ive found I have some movement in the present to create a new life. By re creating a new life in the present; it over powers the past; but still; dealing face to face with sexual abuse is something else. Not good; its life and death and my rights as a citizen in my country… they were taken from me…
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FINDING IDENTITY;
Im now working with God on finding Identity where I know my place in life and the universe.
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Most of my life for the last several years has been about rehabilitation; Doing things; trying things to find myself or to find things good for me for relief of my mental health symptoms; things other then alcohol from 30 years ago…
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For many years; mental health problems consumed everything; I could not move or function; nothing.
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Now; Ive worked my way into a new way of thinking… And am able to experiment with some things; positive experimentation looking for what I enjoy in the world; what I enjoy participating in. I was looking to experimenting and rebuilding my original lost dissociated self under God; It was about things before rehabilitation; It was about a blind journey with God to rebuild my childhood under Gods direction; Not mine… And it worked. I got a good base..
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Ive experimented and taken chances with people places and things; and Ive found myself in new places according to my own efforts under God; directed by God. And made some gains; gained some experience; all good; its relieving. I showed I can go back out into a protected area and under God take chances and was able to attempt new connections; and theyve worked; I got what I asked for… Im now with new friends and new conversations… Im in others homes and around their families. And Im communicating; Great! Fantastic. Im not a victim; its not victim mentality; Its recovery mentality. Im asking for what I want… and no one has to say yes; someone can say no and I live with it; No expectations I believe in. I believe that God is taking care of me and Im taking chances out in life.
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No one owes me anything; Ill ask for what I want… Im learning how…
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So; where am I at now. Im more advanced then before. Ive worked through many walls; Im at a strange strange juncture…
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No matter what direction I go; its all up and down many unknown hills.
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Riding a bike;
years ago I remember riding a bike. I took it outside of town; to a nearby town. I rode and rode.. I hit F H highway.. This was the old country highway; farmers still use it; use it for wheat land access. Its a winding winding set of road with hills and deep drops and deep steep long climbs and sudden drops and climbs. Its torture for a bicyclist. I remember the first time I attempted riding it.. I spent half a day on that thing trying to get home; thank God I brought allot of water.
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The point of the story; it was an unknown experience. And what Im moving into is unknown experiences…
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My goal is always Activity growth and relationship growth and experiences. The goal is to regain mental health in these areas under God; to a point that I can function enough to perform in activities within society; not be on the outside of society.
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I remember as a kid; watching all those TV specials at Christmas. I loved watching them; fantasizing about what it would be like to grow up and have my own experiences. Have my first real girlfriend. Be in my first real play. Be in the debate team or get good at mathematics. But in Gymnastics or other type Olympic sports. Be an Artist; many things.
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In reality; I was thrown away not much later then those childhood experiences of watching Christmas specials.
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I completely demobilized. No more life. No more family; no more parents; no more house; no more history; As if I had never been born. Erased…
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So; here I am now; Im at a cross roads. A real Cross roads. Im trying to find my identity.
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When on You-tube today; I was watching a guitar channel; A gentle-man in his thirties I think; He was comparing one brand of Guitar with another. I noticed; he had a strong identity; Guitar player; looks like he’d been a guitar player all his life. His life was Guitars; and theirs a certain strength and relief of being such things when a man in society; a man who knows what he is suppose to do or likes to do or identifies with.
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FOR MYSELF; WHAT DO I IDENTIFY WITH;
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Well; I don’t have any identity. I was forced to identify as victim; a destroyed crippled mentally disabled… Poor person.
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However; Now; After much work. I Identify with recovery survival person. And Now the newer form of a person trying to get on his feet like everyone else in society. Im a privately broken person who with help is trying to get on his feet; ( what ever that means); out in society.
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Im at this place; Whats my Identity. Ive Identified with trying to come back to life. I want to Identify with something; Anything; Guitarist Hat. Car salesmen Hat; computer tech hat. Draftsman Hat; Artisan Hat. Public speaker Hat. May God; What Hat am I. I mean; Who or what do I do right now. What do I “ Get INTO”.
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What do I want!
I want to be like the guitarist on the Guitarist channel; regardless; Hes always been into Guitars and guitar playing for better or worse.
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And allot of these guys; they have rings on their fingers; their married; So they must have had some forms of success at this; or maybe they have other occupations to go with it; regardless; How come they are so; “ INSIDE” Society. How do I get back in! Thats what Im trying to learn about.
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IM 6 YEARS OLD ALL OVER AGAIN>
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I literally have the mentality and curiously and maturity of a 6 year old looking into the fishbowl of society .
I tried to cross into society when I was young teenager; I was destroyed. I had just come from an adolescence of horror from being controlled through sexual abuse and control… So; their was no adolescence for me. It was a horror show; like being in a war…
I tried to reach out once or twice; no good. I could not function very far or for very long; no one cared why. I was just kind of laughed at and dismissed. I dropped away and never came back.
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Here I am now;
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Im practicing a few things; working with others on the idea of relationships and Im working on activities. Im interest in Guitars these days; The idea of maybe trying it; trying something.
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I am working with God…
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WORKING WITH GOD;
The key with God is to Get into the vortex of God. This is done through meditation and prayer… and being on my knees praying; “ for me”. One doesn’t have to… I can; so I do; I like being in humble positions to show my obedience to God. Im sure there are other ways…
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I write stories about what I want before I get them. So God can manifest them for me. I must go through God; not my will. Its God will not mine. And I pray for that.
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The idea is this. Im in the Vortex of God… aligned with God; my inner being myself and God Universe.
My feelings of what I want come up… lets say its that I want a safe friend or maybe a new guitar… I take this to God; And I leave it with God… Im on my knees… I let God decide how this is going to come about.
God is a safe bet. God will filter who comes and goes; who is manifested into my life; if I leave it up to God…
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Leaving it up to God is my hardest challenge Im working on. To stay in alignment with God. I tell God what I want; show God through my imagination while in the vortex of God. And then kneel to God. And allow God to manifest it and bring it into reality. Certainly God can instruct my part in it if God wants me to go on a journey to receive such things; I don’t know. The more I believe the more shows up. And thats what I have to learn how to do. I have to learn how to believe for things to show up.
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I have to learn how to believe again.
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When I was very very young and thought I was safe or being taken care of; I could believe or try to believe in life. In having a life. Unfortunately; I learned how to not believe and that only idiots put themselves in situations to believe; they must be innocent or naive… Because; putting myself; being vulnerable out in society will only get me destroyed…
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Believing only in negative and hiding got me one things; it got me hiding and little else. I never manifested anything. I felt I would never manifest anything ever again. I just never thought about it; I assumed I would never have anything ever again; To much mental illness.
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However; From working the recovery process; I have many possibilities through working with God. Now; I have to learn how to let go and let God…. And I mean that; I mean; really humbling myself; letting go and Its Gods will; not mine… And their it is.
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When I can handle it; I have excersizes to teach my imagination How to imagine something; give it to God and stay out of the outcome; stay out of the rest… It is this simple concept where I dissociate the most. This is The next level of my work. Its very vulnerable and unsettling.
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This is the next level of my work. Its to safely get into the God vortex… Safely feel in it with God center. And imagine the things I want… and imagine God is bringing them to me…
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What this means; it means Im learning how to trust and keep things safe under God. I only go through God; nothing less. I learn to work with God on these things… completely. All the way through. And staying in the vortex; I let go as if floating down energy river. Where Jesus and Holy spirit are taking care of me with the Angels of God protecting me… However; no reservations.
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This may be hard; real hard to let go; so; I slow way down; start out with micro steps and appreciate those micro steps; one at a time. And I earn my way with God.. That this how I earn my way with God; bowing down to God; for that is all this is. Different forms of bowing down; and practicing this…
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Guitars; And I will practice this with guitars; I will get into the vortex; and imagine. And imagine on paper what I want; and I will give it away to God; and God will help me decide what im looking for; through feeling… amen.
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TURNING ON MY HIGHER POWER: SPITTING IN MY HIGHER POWERS FACE!
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I was suppose to love “ First Love” And I didn’t do it; I pulled out of it!
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This is the universes perspective; I; arguing with the universe in disbelief for months and months and months; Im now done arguing with the universe….
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So; The idea is the universe sent me to someone to love. God would love them through me. I would love them unconditionally because the universe wanted them to be loved.
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They knew I was their husband. Just as I knew they were my wife. I don’t need to know anything else.
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I ran off. The universe brought me someone and I ran off. I ran off because I couldn’t be a bum under a bridge and be married to someone with the responsibility that goes with it. I did have some kind of ability to tell the person how I felt. But I didn’t tell them… I just wanted to be a bum and I wanted the girl. And I had enough courage to tell her; maybe she would have been on my side and helped me.
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When Got tells me to walk a miles with someone; I only walked a ½ mile and then I split. I figured out how to blame the 0ther person; turn it all on them; turn and run away from life. In the end it didn’t do me any good… Running away from everything; I ended up with nothing… My opportunities that God created for me were Gone.
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However; God can create new opportunities for me; Im not sure why I never saw this. But I didn’t. Im now at a point where I can learn to accept and work with these new opportunities that God is sending me.
Im not sure why I never saw this before in this way. God can create new opportunities for me…
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So. Im now at that point of asking God to create these opportunities for me… amen…
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