July 2025
June 2025
Im not there yet; but I am.
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Im almost there.
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Ive basically worked out what happened to me when young and God has shown me everything. And my understanding of things; my awareness. I understand.
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In one of the books for a 12 step group concerning drinking to much and being hitched to it. It describes a specific kind of personality and that personalities goals.. a dependent type personality; so insecure it has to try and dominate or depend on for survival. Never does that person now how to involve their own abilities to their own lives.
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And what does that book suggest is the reason; Simple; the dependent wants the warmth of there mother and father and to find it within everyone they meet; to turn everyone they meet into that mother and father...
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I was so shocked by this. In my case; it was more legitimate; I was abandon and never thought it or saw it coming. However, I had been abandon from the first day I was born but never knew; I was in a fantasy bond; trauma bond and dissociation and delusion.
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By the time I realized things were wrong; I was shortly to be thrown away for good, and that left me destroyed and baron of all human development. I might as well have been born in the middle of a WW1 battle field.
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Things are much different now.
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Im turning into a different kind of person now; a responsible person. Because me and God are working together to make it so.
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I believe I will get back all that I lost. I will have the girl of my dreams and I will have close friends.
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ITs a true shame what happened to me when young. I was in the middle of a war; Someone or several had planned my death and were carrying it out; the slow destruction of my life; and I did not know; but they were watching; watching the whole time... all of it. and I was destroyed.
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Now; God is bringing me back into a new. and I kind of dont know what to think of it.
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I may continue to write about the same things I have before in blogs; about others and what they did to me or how Ive learned to grow to see what my role was; but I kind of have all of that figured out. I might want to express more grief or pain so there names come up; but soon at some point; they will be names that are forgotten and of no importance.. And that is what I want. Because there names were of no importance. I was the one who was important. I am the one that needed the love and caring and attention.
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Ill work with God on bringing these things back... This time with the right people. However, Im not blaming anyone from the past; not even the psychopath who did this to me. They are gone now and of an old generation; What ever that means.
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As I get my life back; it comes back to me; I care much less about what others did to me.. Ive learned to relearn how to live again... and that is mine and it moves me forward until those of the past are not so important anymore
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I had no real idea of what was really going on in my past.
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Im an odd duck. Most dont want to hang out with me or know me. I dont have any establishment of regulatory; meaning; people dont identify anything in me that is common within there family or friends or way of life.
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I was never accepted by the poor or the middle class or the rich... Non of them.
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This new life I have; its like being blind and in a dark cave underground; God is my lantern. If I go in the direction of God and pray all the time for his will and not mine; soon a new kind of everything opens up. Its something I am blind to; but God does the thinking and the knowing. and Ive learned to really feel what I want in life and ask God for it and mean it.. And God delivers; if I bow down to God and go through him... Thanking God; asking for help from God; asking forgiveness over n over from God.. and telling God I love him over n over; and finally; " your will God not mine"; over n over n over; on my knees a 100 times a day.. This creates a state of God seeing with his eyes not mine. I see through Gods eyes.. and God delivers.
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Im learning.
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Im praying for those seconds of modern present clarity within my mind; a clear mind; only on my feelings not on the past people or places or things that crop up and scare me; for a few seconds; its me; and Im just here now. And Im asking God for more of that; get rid of the fakey false past where no one liked me. Let all of them go; and learn to work with God to face the real world now. Learning once again how to participate in life... But this time without those monsters of the past.
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Its strange looking at my past. All the hopes and dreams; everything snuffed out; no one ending up what they appeared to be in the beginning; all brutal hatred toward me from every angle; as if the whole world wanted to kill me and was going to; try as best they could; I was hated in every direction or not wanted or contempt.
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I still make the same mistakes today; but with Gods help; I catch them. I know when Im around fake people that smile to my face but have contempt for me. They think they are superior and that Im a disgusting loser... Today; I dont get over whelmed by this; I pull back and go backward and retreat and go away... I know what they are; filth like this; that judges decent people; I still go through it.
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The key is to stay with God and stay away from those worthless fakes...
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So; if I want something; God will get it for me; I just have to believe and Im all about trusting God today for everything. However, lots of work involved in praying and writing out what I want and believing. And thats what Im working on.
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Im not sure Im saying everything I wanted to say or conveyed the right message...
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The past was a set of motions put forth to kill me... and it did; through many horrors... One; I was forced to find new homes to interact in as if they were my homes; when in reality; I was never accepted by anyone. I was hated and I caused much concern by these strangers who never wanted me in there homes; I was a burden and I was resented; but never understood that. \
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Now; with support I can learn to take responsibility for my own life.. Where just a few short whiles ago; I would never even think such things are possible. But they are!
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In the past I spent my time with people who didnt want me didnt understand me and never had anything in common; Nothing... It was almost like spending my time with my enemies and then getting destroyed by them; like I opened the door for my enemies to knife me to death; to plot a murder; my murder; and they did.
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Im learning to work with God; maybe on a new type of people Ive never seen before that would be My People. The right kinds... I have no idea what that is... or who would accept me.. I dont know; but God does.
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Today with agoraphobia; anything connecting with the outside world would be a great achievement. And its hard... However, Im working with God on directions.
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The most important thing Im staying is; my trust in God is taking over for almost everything. Working with God for answers and solutions... Working with the universe... as the number 1 focus of my life. and from God all other things spring possible.
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So; im in the struggle to let go of the thoughts of those people from my past. All of it... I was lied to...
I did allot of lying and didnt even know it.
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The dream is not dead; its just beginning.
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