July 2025
June 2025
Blog;
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I was at the Dr office.. and I noticed the strange feeling of being generally disconnected from people; That altho the Dr was on my side; I noticed how desperately Ive been alone away from people and learned how to live that way away from people.
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Im much more attached to You-tube vids or other aspects of the computer or in the old days; TV and not people.
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I notice my connection to musical instruments… I notice my interest in creativity; but theirs no people and no family.
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Its not completely so; I go to allot of 12 step groups… I have sponsors…
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As for women; Very little to no interactions and never have been… The few times I exposed my inner self around women I was destroyed; Sooner or later they destroyed everything… ( these specific individuals destroyed everything) They were not safe; They were not safe people; they were murder’rs. They murdered everything they could get their hands on; so I never associated with them anymore. So; I never associated with them ever again.. I got away from them.
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Ive seen the same similarity problems in recovery groups Ive been apart of… So; I stay away from them; within those groups; Many I opened around; sooner or later; the first chance they got ( some of them); they destroy anyone they get near; they have to manipulate people or try to take advantage of them. They are always Hypergamous; Always looking to latch on to something better… always looking for that opportunity to roll over people for something better… Like snake oil salesman… So; they cant be trusted anymore then criminals cant be trusted… This could be a condition of individuality.. meaning; these people are individuals making their own decisions; has nothing to do with Gender… it has to do with personal development of each individual; Could be Im around the wrong people. However; Ive been around a whole world of the wrong people. And its set me off into my own alone-ness.
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Is it just women; Certainly not; Many man have been the same. The problem with the women was my expectation; I was looking at them to be saints and carrying; or care giving mother figures; I was completely wrong; they did not resemble care givers anymore then men do… or the male race… Seems like no one does… I just assumed women would be more trusting or trust worthy; more Motherly; but they never were… Maybe they were to their own families but not to me; a stranger. I was never treated with any human respect by anyone anywhere….. So; its possible I had been reading the Bible to much or watching to many TV shows when I was a kid… IT never applied to the real world.. in the real world it seems people are just people… They fantasy I was looking for never existed… I always found myself around the wrong people…
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I WAS NOT WANTED BY ANYONE FOR A FAMILY!
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I was never wanted by anyone. Why? Lately I realized; No one looks like my higher power; That is a start… I don’t resemble the world these unsafe people I have associated with live in; I don’t look like them.. Meaning my inner soul. My soul looks like the inner soul of my higher power.
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NO ONE HAS BEEN INTERESTED IN MY INNER SOUL;
If one is not interested in my inner soul; then they are not interested in me. And thus; no one has been interested in me.
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I assume certain problem problems; the first is expectation; I expected people to act in a certain way with decency; they did not; they never did. I assumed I would live in a land of decency and ruled order… Meaning a kind of decency under God; it never happened. I did not find anyone who valued me anywhere; nothing.
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I tried to get into relationships; no one even related to me… it was like mixing Satan with God…. Those people I associated with saw nothing in me of value… They saw no good! Even tho my soul was sensitive like my higher powers soul. And my higher power comes from Heaven; not Hell!
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Ive been alone… Ive had no one to connect with; not someone that is safe… Only God…
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Ive had no one to start relationships with; That is why Im turning to God now for help… Ive had no one to marry; Not even for a girlfriend; ever! Nothing! I simply have never been around safe people; Ive been shocked by what Ive seen and who Ive let get within target range…
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With the right people; I would have had numerous girlfriends; best friends and married very young; I never found them. I must have never been in any of the right inner circles. I don’t know…
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After getting destroyed over n over n over by letting the wrong people near me; I stopped; I could not take the breakdowns anymore.
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Its seemed I had absolutely nothing in common with anyone… As if I came from another planet…
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TODAY; I work with God on all of this stuff. My relationship with God is the number one relationship where I take my problems. I do not know what else to do.
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In my younger life; was I suppose to be something other then myself? Have a better future; more money? I don’t know; no one was ever interested in me soul; No one!: Nothing! Zero… Nothing!
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I didn’t just give up; I completely separated myself from society.
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Being a decent nice person; Ive literally been hated… hated to death…
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Im love by God but no other…
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I was at the Dr’s office;
I noticed a kind of loneliness when at the Dr office… I noticed when dealing with the staff; everyone was nice; but I around people but had no real connection to anyone. At times around the women staff; it felt like; if I had made one wrong eye move; looked at or glanced in the direction of their bodies by choice or not; Anything; anything wrong… any kind of physical glance at any body part by accident or not; At that point a kind of unease occurred in them; as if they were dealing with a letch or predator they couldn’t wait to get away from. Even a wrong eye contact; I had to act like a robot with no connection.. At some point I didn’t know where to look; I tried to not look at anything; when anyone got close to me; especially in a room alone with them… I guess the next time Im suppose to wear blind folds when inner acting with people; But; then my voice would be the problem next time or something else; one can never win here! That was the first problem.
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The next problem; it was so impersonal but polite; nice; but None of these people were my family; it was more like I was being treated nicely but more like an object to get in and get out; but not; I wasnt treated like an object; I was treated like a patient. But nothing more… as if I didn’t know anyone… But I didn’t know anyone.
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I had no family. The nurses were actually really nice; the Dr was extremely nice; Doctor-ly and saving my life.
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The problem was; I think it has been so long since Ive been present as a person. When finally dealing with a smiling face; it was only for business… it was not personal… It was but it wasnt. I found myself completely alone…
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And this is the modern state of things; expecting anyone from anyone I guess.
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I did notice something; A glance. A young person in the waiting room; they glanced at me quickly but I saw it; it was a kind of connection. I saw it; felt it. It was like I had ended up around someone secretly; soul to soul that recognized me. Just a glance. And from that I began to form a conclusion about things.
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Within the realm of the soul; it is within the soul that I was seeking people. And maybe only those broken or down n out see me or care to.
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For in this world; Money seems to be the biggest factor; that and functioning..
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Ive never functioned in the real world; and Ive always been afraid to admit it in order to go do my own thing in retaliation and response of it; and their was never anyone around guiding me ever when young; their was simply no one around; nothing. So; I never had anyone to turn to for anything; ever; no family; nothing.
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Only now; I may be dealing with anyone of it. Maybe.
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My Soul never connected to anyone's… Ive been invisible all my life to the people in the world completely.
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Ive never fit in. Ive been an untouchable. Un seen, forgotten. Never seen; nothing…
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Its possible Ive never been around the right people; people of quality; but Im afraid I don’t have the money to be respected by those type of people. It seems one needs a certain amount of social and economic success before they allow someone into their circles.
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However; I am working with God on this; Asking God; if I want my goals; What do I have to become in this life to obtain them; What do I have to become in order to match them. So; that is what Im working toward.
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Im afraid out of lonely desperation of isolation; I even expect places like Dr offices; Im hoping for some form of social interaction; family familiarity. But alas; they end up on Doctors and nurses and staff people at a business… Yes; they are very nice and they do their job well; but its only a doctors office; not a family… They cant supply that feeling for me when Im around them… Not really; anymore then a grocery store clerk… Its just not their job to take care of me at that level…
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I realized at the Dr office; Ive really been cut out of the human race; When Im finally alone with people or they get physically close or Im in the same room with them; Im all key’d up inside…
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More then needy; a kind of deprecation im suddenly wanting to dump out on anyone that comes near me… so I try to keep my expectations to myself; and just kind of act like Im a robot and not their… because Im of no real interest to anyone at a personal level. And at business situations; Im of no interest to anyone at a personal level because Im not suppose to be.
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I can feel an almost detested feeling from others; like they cant wait to get away from me if Im not inline with the way they think Im suppose to be or act.
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If I have any expectations; Im done; Im out… I get no emotional connection… Nothing from them… They are nice and polite. Maybe it would be better for me to get around robots… Im being treated like a robot… but its not personal; just the way daily life is…
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I realized; I wanted to be treated of importance like I was in a family…
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So; I realize just how far out of the human loop Ive become. And maybe with enough help from God; I can start to be part of the human loop again some how. I would have to trust God and have God bring the right people and I stay out of it.
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I really felt lately while interacting with those in the outside world. Im expecting connection from business people who have their own lives or own lies… I don’t know….
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I wanted to feel of importance to others but I don’t…
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Ive never been respected by women in general; Only 1 or 2 in my life; that is all. Nothing more then this… I remember them I guess…
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So; it has happened; I have been seen by few.
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Is any of this making sense.
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Im really speaking of my waking up experience around others.. Its not really about others; its bout me; my problems; Others in business situations were all nice in general; and did their jobs well; They are overloaded with dealing with everyone all day long. So. Im kind of just another person who shows up for my hand out and then Im wisked away out the door. Its not their fault. It just seems I have no other place to go for any kind of personal experience. Someplace safe… I don’t know; Ill work with God on it..
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Ill talk to God about opening up this personal level of things with others; the right people
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THE WRONG PEOPLE ALL MY LIFE AND I NEVER KNEW….
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Looking back at my life; No relationships of any quality; nothing! Zero; I was horrified. I was around the wrong people and never new. I thought I was respected. I had no idea I was being used. I was being used by everyone; I didn’t realize; I was just hanging around… I wasnt even seen by anyone; nothing.
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I was not wanted or respected; their were other ulterior motives; and these people were bad sicking corrupt people who used others; used me; I had no idea what was going on; in my mind I was being respected. I had no idea I was being used until it was 2 late; In other words; I was being looked down upon…
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FAMILY; I don’t know anyone. Ive been rejected so many times by everyone. So; I assume Ive been around the wrong people who never saw me or valued me.
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I feel Ive been rejected because of lack of money or social status or I was never attractive to anyone. I had the soul of my higher power and others had no value or didn’t relate to a soul of my worth or value… They saw nothing they could relate with… I was un-relatable because I was a decent person. This means; I was around the wrong people. Thats what it means; Ive been around a whole world of the wrong people.
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So; I have to work with God on the right people… Who ever that might be… Im not sure; but Im getting closer to working with God on it…
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Ive taken what I can that was in front of me… Meaning; the scraps from those in front of me. Now; Im making a transition to something more inline with my higher power… I don’t know; we will see…
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The creation of Family? I don’t know; Ill work with God on this. That is what I want; Family; Im scared to get involved with the wrong people. So; I want to work with a higher power on finding the right ones. What ever that means.
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Also; Im getting old; elderly in
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Also; Im getting old; elderly in age; and I look like it; but I don’t think I look like it; but I do because I am it. Im legally elderly; And this will bring out a whole other set of prejudices. I have to remember; that when dealing with people in professional help situations or the world in general; allot of people are in their 20’s. Its getting to a point where Im a whole life time older then they. Im an old man to them. I don’t see it; but thats whats happened. I look old to them; and maybe Im being treated as such…
Im not being treated as attractive or important. So; just another position to deal with within life…
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Anyway; it does hurt or its sad being pushed away from my own life by the world; That is not what I expected. So. Ill work with God to try to rise to better places; I have to learn; that maybe the only thing I can do and was suppose to do in the first place.
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I never became the king of the bottom of the barrel. It never worked; at some point I got dejected.. or hated veraciously.
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Ive found myself with no personal power in society; all I can do is leave… Ill work with God on this.
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