July 2025
June 2025
Faith;
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What does it mean; it means becoming something in the face of no support… thats what it means…
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Im alone with God trying to make things happen;
When God tells me to do something; do it anyway….
And their it is.
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I come from a line of situations that don’t allow that; thats what Im working on and will continue to work on…
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That is the nature of faith…
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what Im working on…
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Its believing Im going to do something while the rest of the world does not support me or work with me on it… its like being alone with my goals and beliefs…..
And so it is and what im working on…
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Dear God show me how…
With my goals; So I can hold on.
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Its that one moment; that moment when I chose to stand out and keep working at it… faith belief…
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I get horrible thoughts…
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They are negative thoughts to what ever I want to do; I get so over ran I stop; its all to much; and Im scared to death Im not going in the right direction… and its that I have to work on with faith and trust with God…
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it brings up all those situations that I was pulled from.
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Putting myself, my heart into things… man or man; I don’t believe; Dear God help me…
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Thats where there’s been no support…
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rock star
big banker
professor
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Scientist
astronomer
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You name it; I cant; I cant move… I might have desires but they stop… I stop; and thats where im not willing to fight for what I want and work with God on new direction for the life of desires…
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I was watching a famous guitarist; my favorite… and noticed that he is completely dedicated; and thats what Im missing when it comes to my desires… and what I have to learn how to do with things I want to be part of; stop just expecting things to happen; I have to work for them.
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that means me standing up for myself ; the anxiety disorder and fear associated grounds me.
What ever Im suppose to be; I have to talk to God and sacrifice; but I don’t. Its way over my head. I have to start at the beginning.
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NOTE; Ive expected others to help just because; they ended up complete indifferent strangers; as they were before I met them. This might have been a let down; it was also an extreme lesson; a horrible one; but a lesson; GO back to God; start with God stay with God work through with God; let God supply what is needed; stay out of the realm of the average person; do not go them ever again; Go through GoD first; let God bring through manifestation what I desire. Keep it all out of the hands of the regular people…
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I get a guitar but I wont go any further; but I will listen to the greats… but go no further… I wont take it outside into the real world and be formed and molded… Meaning I don’t play the thing; but I did buy it with intentions; but its all way over my head to do anything in the real world…
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I quit… before I get started. It wont work; no sacrifice for who I am and my identity and being myself.
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I have to get rid of people that have no business being their… In my life. I couldn’t; I couldn’t do that either; I couldn’t move; I was like a 4 year old in traumatic shock.
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So; I have to work on….
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So; Ill work with God on this…
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I never take it any further;
instead I hide in my room; buy things I cant afford and go broke or stay broke… with the earnest intention of buying things to use them; learn on them; develop on them; but the real world is to much for me!
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Im Ok at expressing myself buying things but not creating anything or doing anything with what I have; would create…
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and I go into reality-shock coming out of my position of fake fantasy safety… into the real world where Ive never developed anything… Where Im no one in the eyes of the rest of the world…
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NOTE; I don’t really care that Im no one in the eyes of the world if Im doing something with my life.
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Im just a guy on a bicycle… But Im not doing anything else; BULLSEYE; And their it is; thats where the trouble starts… Im stuck. Im stuck coming into the real world… And today Id like to do something about it; and stop blaming anyone else because Im not.
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Ive been offended so many times… but never fought back; never fought for anything or had a direction I fought to be part of; nor did I ever become professional at anything…
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Instead; I looked at how I was never given any support for anything; and its that place; that place Im working on; working through.
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I didn’t have the character to become something… I get scared; really scared; it reminds me of the times I gave up on everything… and had no future of any kind; That would be all of my life..
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it reminds me of so many people that just let me go and didn’t care about my life; had no respect for me in the face of respect…
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It reminds me of all the people that never saw me or stood by me… nothing; no one. And what to do about it.
I go to God and ask direction…
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The whole thing terrifies me and makes me want to puke… This idea of moving forward believing in something sticking up for something; working at something; being identified with something; as something.
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The whole thing makes me want to puke…
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So thats what I have to work on.
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I had an interesting thing happen tonight…
At a meeting; I mentioned I finally got lights for my bike…
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And the response to the admission of my very young kind of irresponsibility and immaturity but sincere open honesty of who I am; really am? I had a very good response from others; I was not judged but very understood.
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Very Good!
And I was shocked!
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Suddenly I talk about something so very human and basic and Im not destroyed; people understood and cared… I was shocked…
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An I said more things;
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I said something Ive never said before; Something I could not ever say to anyone when younger…
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I said I felt lonely; like I was the lonely guy at night hanging out at a meeting with insecurity….
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So; Im going to stay as long as everyone else stays at the meeting tonight!
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Because I really didn’t want to go home… Its Oke; but I felt insecure… And so; I told them how I felt inside; my feelings as a human being; those feelings of desperateness and loneliness.
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So; it was quite interesting
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Its a strange start to something.
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This is something I could never do when I was a kid; I could never tell my feelings to anyone; no one cared… nothing! To dangerous; Id be ripped apart; ripped to pieces…
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Ive spent my life looking for answers in a strange dissociated almost child like way…
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Ive not been able to take any responsibility for anything… Im in shock going into the real world; Im in a state of shock; panic and flight or fight;
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So I took chances tonight; something I havent done in a while;
Telling someone how I felt where Im at right now; I don’t get to look important but I put my feelings out asking for help; telling someone the truth of where Im at; that was important… very important.
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Its a start; it harks back to the time when I was very very young with no one their to listen … with nothing…. No one; no one cared; nothing… I can trace dissociation back to the beginning of my life.
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And I could not tell my feelings to anyone; no one cared; Nothing… in fact it would be dangerous…
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Ill pray about where this is all going.
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At the meeting;
I talked about playing an instrument like guitar; and how I couldn’t really. I could not get good at anything; ( I couldn’t do anything). If someone got in the middle of me and myself while being vulnerable publicly; and if someone could get in the middle of it; while I was vulnerably trying to develop; They could destroy me; Thus; I just wouldn't try anything; I shut down completely.
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Now; My new intent; Im slowly working my way into becoming stronger so I can face these things; and learn to stick to something anyway and learn to trust God and do something with it; its like having courage to expose myself; my feelings and move forward; anyway… and I simply do not have the courage for that as I was destroyed from that when young; to a point of being disintegrated.
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So; maybe my present situation isnt what I want or need it to be; and thats why I stopped everything; but thats what its always like. If things aren't perfect; I give up; and never get started.
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I don’t seem to accept where Im at; the limitations of my situation and then do something about it;
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I stopped being part of life;
I stopped everything; including any relationship ability; I gave up any career possibilities of working toward anything; I gave up everything; and clamped down in protective safety… Certainly reasons for this; I did not want to be attacked; because I remember attack… red lined; overwhelmed.
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I was around the wrong people when young; they never really cared about me or who I am. I never knew until it was 2 late… I put my time out around the wrong people.
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tonight I told some people how I really felt of where Im at; showing vulnerability; and I was treated with human respect; so things are changing. I still had to take a chance for that to happen. I would pray first and always stay with God.
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I ask the question; WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY;
This takes courage… And instead of blaming the world; or blaming others from holding me back; I want to learn to get past these limitations of what I perceive as others as holding me back and work on doing something with my life.
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NOTE: Im so tired of having potential and sensitivity for things in life but doing nothing with it ever; getting nowhere over n over n over.
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Ive had nice thoughts but not able to put anything into reality; and if I could; I was way sensitive to not having things going my way…. If things don’t go my way; I give in give up; Im done.
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Its like someone; a musician that needs his own practice room; but because I never had one or cant understand how to face reality enough to get one; or be vulnerable enough to ask for help or ask for one; I just give up and stop playing music… So; the way I deal with the pain is; I give up and erase my interest in everything. And this is not the answer to getting new things in my life for my life..
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So; thats not the answer.
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Its like being stuck for ever; If I have no practice room; Im not playing anymore. I quit; Im done… no more talorance.
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I have to get to a point that I don’t give up; I keep playing because I like playing; so I must work with God on the answers…
Its hard; Im not the only one in this boat…
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If I really wanted to play I would…meaning a musical instrument; And I cant say it any better then that. If Im stuck; I must work with God on the price to play and practice… I don’t like being in this kind of insecurity; but I must work with God on what to do about it; so I can get to the next level….. RIGHt!
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NOTE; I remember a you-tube channel of this women guitarist teacher; it seems like she bought all her own guitars and helped create her own channel and working situation; she doesn’t seem like she thinks anyone owes her anything just because she wanted to be a guitarist.
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Am I going in the right direction….
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I have to learn to believe again and understand I don’t have to have the rest of the world on my side. I do need some on my side; I must work with God on this stuff…
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Its like “ Im not putting myself out for anything or anyone anymore”; The problem is; I don’t seem to be putting myself out for myself either… And thats not the point.
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This looks like this; the dysfunction; it looks like other are eating me alive; so Im going to eat myself alive as well.
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My parents did not like me or notice me; nothing; like I was never born; So I will act like I don’t like myself and I was never born; They erased me as if I was never born so I will as well.
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And Im Asking God for the beginning of something new…
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This also affects my ability in relationships… I cant go through what I went through when I was younger; so I stay out of anymore toxic insanities; I just wanted a decent girl next door; someone to marry; Never happened because…
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And I can list the reasons… .
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I never took responsibility for it; And Ive got to talk to God about all of this…
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A gap resides…
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The Goal; The goal is to believe no one owes me dreams; if I want to be a musician then; Im responsible to work toward getting the instrument and the practice room; BOTH; Why do I think my Mother and Father owe me. I know philosophically they owe me; but really? In the real world its my gig; I have to learn to go after what I want and take full responsibility for what I want… talk to God.. I have to act like; No one owes me anything anyway; so; why do I think someone owes me a practice room. Ill work on this lack of humility. I find the same problem concerning women, money, careers and so on.
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Im starting to see myself; a glimpse of myself where I learn to pay full for what I want; Ill work with God on the requirements of my interests. If playing an instrument means having a place to play to go with it; ill take it God…
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NOTE; My problem is; I just give up. So; Ill have to work with God on that; what that means and how to start out at zero level with nothing and believe no one owes me and its all an adventure anyway. Start out at where Im at; an abstract concept in my head and let God go from there.
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I remember thinking once when young I had security and support to establish myself in the community when I got older; but really; I never had anything; I was completely thrown away and dissolved. The Point is; is to get help and get back on my feet and start over… work through horrors of the past… And move beyond into a new life…
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NOTE: Getting back on my feet in Sobriety and Sanity.
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And keep working with God on this; that I make a connection into my new life…; into life. building it; I can feel it;
But I've got fears from sexual predators and abuse from the past… and other predators from the past.
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Long term fear is a problem.
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How bad do I want something.
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Ill bring up more situations; maybe some Ive already brought up.
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For example.
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Telescopes; I give up; its not safe where Im at; taking them outside from my apartment; I don’t want people bothering me outside; but I wont do anything about it… Work with God look for other alternatives.
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NOTE: It makes me made I don’t have a safe backyard to look at the moon from.
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To much light…
its not a safe perfect environment…
I was going to local park and setting up and viewing; but it was hard. I just wanted safety and privacy… I didn’t want to have to cater a telescope all over town on a bicycle just to set it up in a park to look at the night sky; I gave up. I give up; I told myself; obviously God doesn’t want me looking through telescopes.
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Drumming; I mean; where am I going to practice; nuff said; obviously God doesn’t want me playing drums.
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Guitar… well; I can play electric guitar through headphones at maybe moderate valume. A neighbor up stairs can still get mad at just an un-amplified sound from electic guitar coming through the walls…
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So; who in their right mind wants to go through this nonsense; So; I give up; obviously God does not want me playing guitar…
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So I give up.
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Typing; even computer typing is to loud in apartments… So; no gaming keyboards…
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So; I give up; God doesn’t want me typing anymore…
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And this goes on n on n on; no singing anymore; no place to sing…
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no nothing anymore…
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Painting; Well; im not painting (ART) unless God has a sure place for that work somewhere. Im not just painting or creating to have it sit in my apartment; I want to be connected to something; a community or something… And I don’t have it; and don’t know where that would be… I mean; id have to start my own art community; forget it; this is just to much; all of this; I give up; I guess God doesn’t want me to be an artist.
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Writing. I really don’t want to go through the rejection and I don’t want to compared to other writers; I just want to make my stories and see that others are reading them… But that would take so much work to get right; I give up; its way over my head to do things of quality and get nothing for them… so tired of this… a w0rld of no appreciation for anything; nothing… So sick of it…
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I cant see to make it past to the next stage where Ive created something and then its ready for working with in the real world. Or Im not willing to continually be humiliated out here in real life going through all of this… I give up; let God have it; obviously God does not want me to be a writer…
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Relationships; forget it; Ive never Met anyone that has had any respect or appreciation for me as a person; nothing; no value; nothing. Zero… nothing. Ever! No one has ever been interested in me as a person; nothing… zero. Theirs been no one to marry; or have any relationship with; nothing; Ive never met them; Nothing.
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The few times I demanded others respect me for who I am or see me for who I am; I was laughed at… I give up; I just walked away in shock. What am I suppose to do… Im of no value to anyone… Nothing…
I have no idea what to do; obviously God does not want me with anyone… So here I am alone.
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At some point; whats the use… It seems God wants me dead just as much as the rest of the world wants me dead; whats the point.
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And this list goes on n on!
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And I cant say it any better then this; the humiliation. So I give up; or that was the idea…
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So the point is; as one can see; they can see where Im coming from; no answers to my problems; problems are all overwhelming.
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The point is; working with God; I have to learn to create bridges to the other side to move forward with any of these areas of interest… Ive been broken down into not believing anymore. And for that to open up; Ive got some hard work to do with God… real manly work. I get to change things; get a new attitude.
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I GET TO CHANGE THIS;
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A CHANGE OF ATTITUDE…
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I work with God to break out of this; Thats where Im at now. Ive come to the end of myself on this issue… Now I want to change…
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Some of this work is the hardest work Ive done. it challenges dealing with memories of sexual abusers of my past; challenges them face to face… breaking through them.
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So; I may have to write many more stories like this getting my pain out and learning how to believe again; its up to me.
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It may be really hard times learning how to interact and believe again in this society; Ill work with God on this; amen! This is where Im at.
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Its like facing demons face to face… Amen… and then having a hope plan afterword… so I can believe again…
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Im not sure how God will start me out.
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Humility is of the day. I cant just start out as if everyone has paid my way and I live in a mansion; I mean; I have to start by accepting where Im at and then going from their under God and I need lots of humbleness…
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I have allot of expectations and non of them have ever come true… So… I have to work with God at a much simpler level.
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Relationships;
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So; More examples of relationships;
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Lets say when much younger a pretty girl took interest in me. It was nice she was pretty; well that solved some of the problem or goals; “ hey; Ive got a pretty girl interested in me” Great; But it didn’t solve my inner problems… Her looks didn’t solve my relationship problems…
Lets say the girl was half way nice and interested in me; Well; Im so freaked out; I couldn’t let anyone get close to me; Id been over ran way to many times by sociopaths and female sociopaths all my life; people who didn’t value me or care about me; Nothing! Zero….
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And Ive never dealt with all of this insecurity and attack and pain. So; it matters not how many people come up to me in interest; Thats not whats needed… It didn’t help; its not my wave length… Im at another set of deeper problems… And so I couldn’t let someone new get close to me because someone from the past was irresponsible with my personal life; I simply could not let them get close to me; I refuse… they were not safe…
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So; do I spend the rest of my life; like this; or work with God doing something about it. Working with God to get stronger and get back out in life again?
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I was never dealing with my own problems; I was just being destroyed by them.
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Never solved the relationship problems; never solved the music art writing creating problems. Never solved the work problems… Never solved the money problems. Never solved any problems.
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I got to the point of relief through 12 step groups… relief for some of my problems… but no answers for the general problems I have; In this case; re integration back into society; a society where I want things back in my life again; or to participate in life…
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So; heres the point; I start out with nothing; and Ill have to start out way way way on the bottom of the totem-pole as they used to say in the old days… I have to start at the beginning level for my ability level earned; and that means abstract levels; not in reality yet…
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Im more willing!
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build that foundation I need under God.. Thats what Im looking for…
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I want to get stronger; its that simple; I want to have the ability to know my identity and fight for it stick up for it and work through things without changing it… stick to my goals and my guns and work with God on what I want… keep working with God… amen
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So; Ive already started.
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TELESCOPES
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Its started.
I looked up a vid of the moon being show’n through a 10 inch Reflector Im assuming… And I looked at the moon through video; as If I was looking through a telescope outside. I cant start with a telescope outside; its to much. I have to start in the altered world of screen TV and Video; some place safe in my conscious mind in my room; not outside.
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WOMEN; NO NOT YET! Cant start out; not with them. Has to be something less then that; something far before. Maybe just draw some female hands; maybe a few words around the idea of women written on the page… Something in the abstract… Something not near them; but something long before this; something way way back; some place I start with something very very very small to work with; to develop with… and with time; slowly getting stronger for reality…
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And I pray first… and just stay put; stay tight with God… just stay with God and just count; one one thousand; 2 one thousand 3 one thousand… And so on… Working through my anxiety.
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Im dealing with the front low end beginning of things;
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Im dealing with an AnxIETY Disorder that has me absolutely trapped…
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So; I wont even start out in reality; Ill be stunned; it all must be from the 7 year old in me; the 7 year old in me under God; slowly taking an idea in and then acting on it; in this case; within the class room of my mind; not out in the real world; no way; not yet; I start out in the safe confines working with God and Gods advice…
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And that means just starting out with abstract.. ill start their…
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Music
Art
Writing
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It all starts out at the very beginning; and thats creating a foundation from abstract or the protection of abstract into the beginning steps into outer reality and thus building a foundation in reality…
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How do I really feel; Anxiety; I have to just count from 1-10; breath; and get used to what Im seeing and feeling in my head concerning these subjects… Its all abstract anxiety to begin with… and what does this tell me; it tells me I was never ready for anything in the real world; no maturity or development for it; and no foundation for anything; I have no foundation for anything. No one gave me a foundation; they gave me nothing!
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Some of the fake friends I met when young; I thought and or wanted them to help me.. I thought they would; I thought they would be nice people; My extreme naivity . They didn’t turn out to be anyone; they were complete strangers who stayed strangers who could care less who I am. They didn’t have any feeling for me or interest; nothing; I was not their friend; they didn’t need me as a friend; or for any other reason. I would say I was used; that is a strange brutal under statement.
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I had made a mistake on who I was opening up to and trying to get close to; thats what this was all about… wrong people.
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So; Ill start like this; in the abstract world; under God and build a foundation within my own mind imagination and nervous system first before its ever applied outside; I need that development and internal strengthening. And then when that foundation is strong enough it will start applying to foundations out in the real world and from their Ill first get strong enough in foundation; and then Ill go to the next step of my interests and desires in the real world slowly building the experience needed to interact at the right levels with confidence.
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Today working with God I have to do this work for myself… And I am and will continue.
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NOTE; About Music
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Right now; Ive created a song; written it! Sight Reading ( the ability to read and practice what Ive written is part of the deal). Sight Reading means; I go back into the song and study and practice the song ( the Notes); learn it through sight reading it. Sight reading is part of the over all skills of the pianist and composer. So; Im learning how to add this into the major practice ability of my over all practicing; its one out of 4 areas of importance to the over all skill area of playing keyboards and writing music to perform live. I have to be able to sight read if I play keyboards; I have to; Not speaking for anyone else; I have to because I write music with notation; I have to be able to read it in order to memorize what Ive written. So; right now Im like a first grader learning how to read the alphabet… and read my first words… And that is embarrassing. I feels stupid and less then…
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The fact is; I hardly know the notes on the staff; bass or treble. I approximately know what they are; but not in the real world. I have no skill at sight reading… nothing… and there it is; and Im now accepting that fact as I go back in and try to sight read my music so I can memorize it…
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NOTE; I can write music because I don’t have to read it at any forward movement level. When righting Im not having to move forward with 4 separate lines of music; reading them moving forward all at once.
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And its hard and extremely slow… very very frustratingly slow going; so Im working with God to get a better attitude bout it…
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Here's the deal; sight reading is part of the over all skill associated with Piano music… its part of practice and performance… It just is; Ill be spending just as much time if not allot more on sight reading then the time it took to create the music…
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And their it is; Humility is of the day.
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