July 2025
June 2025
When I was young; the kid I hung around in the neighborhood; He had a cousin; His mothers cousin. I used to meet his mothers brother; they all came from the same area. In fact; it was the same area as my father grew up.
I used to here about their cousin all the time; not all the time once in a while. my friends cousin came to his area of origin and my friend was invited to go see him. I missed the invitation by 5 minutes. Now I realize I was never invited on purpose. They used to talk about their cousin at my friends house... He was invited over to their house once in a while when in town. But I was never invited over when he showed up... They would talk about his wife and money and problems and stuff and where they lived.
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My father new him; they grew up by him; same neighborhood. They went to the same school when young.. They took the same school bus you might say.
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I remember my friends talking about their cousin and my father talked about him every so often. But no one ever talked about me. No one ever noticed me. Horrible. No ever talked about my brothers ever or their future. Nothing. Looking back; Im horrified.
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I used to see pictures of their cousin; I hated him. He looked like my father; it wasnt the personal physical features; it was this culture they came from; it was written all over his face; same as his cousins and my father and his brothers.
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But; I didn't need to worry about that. Later I would realize I was never invited into any of their history or background or anything. Nothing. I Was just a pawn; nothing more; I was being used.
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That friend who lived up the street in the neighborhood; He was never really a friend; I was just being used; they were snobs and thought they were better then me; and never wanted me around in the first place; but I never knew. I was not like that. Thats not how I acted.. Thats not who I was.
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I had no idea what I had gotten myself into; getting around these people.
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I later learned and realized; this was not my friend; and thats why I was never invited around their cousin or anyone else. I was never wanted or liked and I was never invited. I showed up at their door; not the other way around. I was never wanted or never liked ever from the beginning. I will never understand why I was invited into their home accept one thing; I was 5 years old; that is why. I was so young I was harmless and a little kid their son played with. I remember aat age 6; my friend said his parents thought my brothers were trash... I thought. " No". "YOU think like your parents and you and your Parents think my brothers are trash and thus you think my parent and I are trash". I never saw the red flag of this; meaning; I never saw what this meant.
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What did this red flag mean; Did it mean I and my brothers were trash? No! It meant that these people were evil and a warning was being sent out to me to stay away... It was a warning from God. But at such an early age; no way for me to see it. I heard it; but did not comprehend it.
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Looking back now; I see hundreds of red flags being thrown at me to " Stay away".
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Concerning their cousin. He got a lot of attention growing up. But I never got any; Why? Why did these people focus on their cousin and not me. Why did my own father talk about their cousin once in awhile but never me. They never talked about me or my talents.
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The truth was; I didnt have worry; because I did not miss out on knowing their cousin or any other family member because they were never my friends. What does that mean; it means what it means; I was never really present with them; I was never really apart of them; I was just physically their in the house with them; I thought; the whole time I was speaking to them and with them; but I wasnt; I was being used by them... or ignored. As for their son. I was a complete stranger from the beginning and never my friend; ever; I was 100% being used. Pure evil. He was a complete stranger. I was being used 100%. later he would show his true colors after I had been turned on.
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In my young mind; I thought they were my friends because I was so innocent and naive about everything; I had 100% no idea... Nothing; and they took advantage of it completely.
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Im not sure why I was taken advantage of; but I do; they wanted their son to have a friend to grow up with so he could develop... As for me; they using me like cannon fodder. Im trying to make a point. all of my childhood I was alone... I was being used by others and nothing more and then thrown away. The idea that I thought I had a friend is ridiculous.
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Looks like a car is out... things didnt work out... I thought God had me covered; Not So! Nothing. Dont know what to do yet...
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Still have creepy people showing up around me;' Where is God; I thought all of this was going to stop.
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Been praying about opportunities and money flow; Nothing...
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Women; I get shunned...
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I was able too see that my first love simply did not want me; and thats what ended any interaction with that person. I put out my whole self; to a blank wall that purposely changed her mind for the fun of it; I was being played by someone; thats all that was; real possibility no one was their; it was all a lie; meaning; I was being scammed; façade; fake person... setting me up because I was interested; and thats all it was...
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I seriously dont understand God or what is going on here.
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Im trying to believe in God But I dont get any of this. Nothing is making any sense; nothing.
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As for a vehicle; Id have to have the money to cover maintenance costs and other stuff each year. Ill keep working with the universe; Maybe Im not suppose to have a car; maybe Im not suppose to have life....
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I did realize something when I realized my first love was not really a first love; it was only my feelings being shove down a funnel to the outside world where it there was nothing. I wasnt wanted; and I was myself; My real heart; no one wanted it...
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Ive never been wanted by anyone or anything ever and it doesnt make any sense; I just wanted a friend. It seems like I was born to die and thats all. nothing makes any sense.
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For some reason I was allowed to go this far with my feelings; but why... I mean; whats the point.
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OK; now what; nothing else seems to pan out. I dont understand the universe. I really dont get it.
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