July 2025
June 2025
Blog;
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If I keep going; Ill get better….
If I keep going; Ill reconnect over the gap Im in right now…
Im in the middle of a gap strengthening the gap through God
At some point Ill get stronger; as I get stronger; Ill come back to reality more
At some point Ill be at my base; where I can venture forth into the beginning spaces within reality
Im getting closer…
Its choppy; its not always the best or safest places for my recovery; some aspects of my recovery; meaning the meetings I attend; They work well for some things; and others; when I get to personal; I can get trampled on; no therapist watching things; No one is really in charge; no one of any legal authority.
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A gap resides between where Im at and reality; Im getting stronger but I get attacked and it sets me back. I get viciously attacked at times verbally; verbally put down if I open up socially or publicly. Sometimes I forget where Im at; I think Im in some safe home with close family that love me; NOT SO…
Im in 12 step groups… and they are the rough 12 step groups; and I always open up. I take my chances.. Generally I do OKE: However; a certain few sociopaths can wreak havoc on the unsuspecting victim like myself.
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Im silently slowly attempting to regain my very inner self that was dissociated from me for most of my life; Im afraid many of those people in the groups I attend don’t know this… .
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On one side of things; Im incognito; I show one face to the outside world while keeping the real motive deep within myself silent; silent running; like a nuclear sub running under the sea.
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At times people see me as a fool; is this bad; well; it means I can be stalked and at times put down by bullying types who actually think Im a weakling; they have no idea what is going on in my life or who I am.
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Generally I get something out of every meeting I attend. However; I have to keep my real feelings and motives to myself; but still expressing myself when its time to speak; And sometimes I speak several times at meetings.
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Its all working; I can get set back when I expose to much of my inner self thinking Im safe when in realty that day I was not safe; but I didn’t know it; meaning; people are in the rooms that can cause problems. I forget exactly whom Im dealing with… And the low nature of the level of some people at these meetings I attend..
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Its all good; Ill just keep at it.
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Women;
Im starting to want them; I mean; Im starting; Im talking about out in the market place. Its like I passed some personal tests or accomplishments. Something; its personal; way deep n side; personal accomplishments and suddenly Im like out in the market place within my personality; What does this mean; its kind of a healing process; Im worked through things and I accept; Things within myself; who I am. And suddenly I can be that person out in the market place; its like a power booster knowing who I am or accepting who I am.
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I felt it and I just saw it in my mind… It has something to do with recently accepting all of me including my disabilities functioning in the outside world…
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Its just a start… I say that because I'm trepidatious about things: Im defensive… Ive had all of my life stripped away from me in this life; So; Getting my life back; getting the life back of those ages taken from me; getting them filled in; That is the question I pose to God. Im scared; very cautious… But; they seem to be getting answered; filled in; the answers filled in; and Im doing all this around numerous people in the recovery process everyday; several times a day; sometimes as many times 3 meetings a day; And for me; its therapy; its therapeutic… and lots of different people are involved. Its not all nicey nice people; its a way diverse group of people…
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So; Im showing signs of being present and growing again; Im showing signs of slowly and trepidatiously moving ahead slowly cautiously… Its happening; Im getting my independence earned… Or Im trusting God; thats how its getting earned; and it seems to be happening.
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REALITY CHECK;
Im watching a show on Youtube… Modern women vs traditional guys; Some Onlyfans girl with some innocent guy; I guess he has a big following on his channel; Shes dating him; She is or was an only fans model… The host is arguing with her; both her and her boyfriend are on the show; The host is arguing She is using him; this kid because he has a big following and she can get plenty of new fans or something if she dates him; thats what the commentators are proposing.
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What hits me suddenly? My God; Its not the subject nature of show thats slams me; My issue is; They look like little kids to me; They both look 12 years old to me because Im so much older. IT really hits; Man for me that was numerous decades ago… Its hard for me to take any of its seriously because they are so young; but I remember being young… They both seem so young and innocent… Simply because Im old…
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It tells me 2 things; Im half a century older then them; So its a big big stretch to see these 2 young people as anything but like kids. Meaning; Im so old; certain beginning adult ages seem way to young for me to even comprehend…
On the other hand; Im very glad to have wakened at this point that I may get any kind of healing so I can move forward with what was a broken life… Im very lucky; I mean; its very tight rope Ive been walking… Im very lucky; not everyone gets another chance earned… earned through obedience through and to God… Sometimes earning with God is being on my knees and praying to God numerous times a day “ Your will God not mine God”’; chanted over n over n over; “ Thank you God” over n over n over; Yes God Yes God Yes God yes God… “ Please help me God” Over n over n over; Numerous times a day on my knees head own on the floor…
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I saw a women; God was present….
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I felt the presence of the universe; it was maybe a premonition of things to Come or a past revelation Ill be reliving over and maybe doing it right this time; but she was sent by God and showed up around her to feel it.
She was like a ghost from my past. I saw her down an isle; I glanced away quickly and never went down that isle; Saw her again in the checkout line… Dont know… She was pretty… Something… Something from my 20’s. I don’t know… This happens at times… This kind of Universal manifestational kind of thing… She was just another casual member of the store buying things; Non of my business… Something triggered me; I kept it to myself of course and left the store as a normal patron.
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Saw this young women at the store; gave me the creeps a bit; At some point; ill have to talk about whats really bugging me about dating or meeting women;
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I mean; Ill have to make a list;
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Ill make a basic list to start with; its hard it all hurts…
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1. Im taken back to the beginning of my life where Im in the second grade and in the library; its great; because Im watching these special shows for kids with learning problems. I actually had dissociative problems.
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I go inside myself not to be part of the outside world; Its kind of autistic like; but its not autism…
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The outside world is 2 much for me… I break easily.
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parts of me dissociated from reality are getting stronger… in areas of gaps…
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I go inward when Im interested in something or someone; I cant handle reality… That is why I have problems with women. I cant let them in… because I can get destroyed…
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Im not sure thats what Im afraid of. I know I can have women still; I believe; simply based on my personality… I can get into the door; but maybe not; I wont know until I try; I guess that should scare me or bother me but it don’t! It does tho; but for other reasons. Maybe Im afraid Ill be all alone if It doesn’t work…
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What if It does work… And I have a girlfriend; Then what! That seems to be what Im most afraid of.
Im scared to death to find the wrong people and date them only to turn around and have to find the right ones; but then; doesn’t everyone… I guess I feel Im worth more… is that whats really bothering me…
Trigger of sexual abuse and that time period; and thats the problem; Close proximity to people…
Something is… getting humiliated I guess; I don’t know… But I do know; and Im going to have to write about it until the truth comes out…
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Im interested in a nice girl; but don’t feel good enough for such things I guess. Even tho I am. I was humiliated when young through abuse and don’t feel good enough for anyone… Ill have to talk to God about that.
Im afraid of never finding the right kind of people; people like myself who are sensitive and intelligent who have gone through bad things… I guess. Ill pray about it…
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Im not strong enough for this; but Im closer… I can feel God closer concerning this issue…
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Something about this girl tonight at the store. I saw her in the isle… Sure; she was pretty! Oke… All pretty girls are attracted to someone! And all women are pretty to men in some form or fashion; so… So something was presented to me that was different; She represented someone coming up to me from my past… It was like Id been their before… Like something from the past was repeating itself. This After getting inline to pay for things she showed up right behind me. I made no mind of it; but in line I noticed something; something special about the occasion… She represented someone from before; almost like a challenge I never completed… and I was being introduced to the idea again. Not personal; I mean; I certainly never went near this person; shes just another person inline; I didn’t look over at her accept to notice her inline behind me. It was more like; God is doing something; things are moving forward… God is close; the universe is close and I can feel it. Ill pray about it.
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As for women and the universe; I don’t know; Their are times I think the universe wont ever allow me to be involved with women ever again for my safety… They are the things I see on TV shows and thats it… As if we are on 2 different planets…
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My association with women has been horrible. And that saddened me and shocked me and it horrified me… They horrify me…
Theyve made me sick to my stomach in the past.. They never helped… Its as if I didn’t exist… Unbelievable. Satanic….. Horrible evil…
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I; many times do not see any connection with women and God! Nothing… I have asked God about women; and Jesus has told me God has sent a great movement for women; to help them; They have the upper hand these days; and that is God Created in order to save them from the ways of the past…The horrible way they were treated…
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Ive watched you-tube videos of social gatherings of men and women talking about dating market value. The strange thing is; I did not feel those women were the ones God was talking about…. That stunned me… God is talking about women; but not the ones on the internet everyone else is talking about in videos…
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I don’t know…
The only girl I ever got close to was just a stranger using me; I meant nothing to her; she didn’t care if she ever saw me again and she never thought about me ever again; This is my opinion; a fairly substantial opinion.
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I do want to talk about this subject. I think whats important to me in this is; all the women of the West That God is trying to free; and suddenly; non of the women on the internet are the ones hes talking about. Who is he talking about… I don’t know; Ill ask him if Im curious and see what pops up.
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FATHER FIGURE:
Grade School
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No Father in Grade School and no one taking care of me after age 9; no one from the original family system; Im thrown away.. And then I learn the beginning of the betrayal of the fake friends that live down the street on the North side; Suddenly they are not my friends anymore and claim Im to blame for what Im going through because Im a bad person… I mean; I was only 10 years old when I talked to them for help or comrade ship; I found out very quickly something horrible was wrong; What was Wrong; I had been used by those people; fake friends and their families and they didn’t need me anymore; I was 2 old. I had no idea I was being used. I thought I was invited to their home because they valued me and valued the fact I valued them; In both cases I was wrong… I was a perfect stranger they wanted even less to know about; and I was their to be used and thrown away when done with.
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I was talking with other men today and one was talking about the Soap box Derby; a race for young kids.
In my day; Fathers would get together with their male children; watch over the children as they built a car that would race down a hill. I suppose girls were involved; but I don’t remember focusing on that… I always saw it as a place for my father and me to work together; Father n Son; Developmental importance.
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A gentleman today was talking about how his Father dissed him… His father the sociopathic Narcissist; His father never worked with his son; Instead; the Father built the car and then tried to cheat by adding weights to; the idea of making it roll faster because of the extra weight… the Gentleman talking said his father not only cheated him out of development of making the car; but also making the child feel worthless but his Father also taught the young child how to cheat; which is sickening!
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I to experienced the same kind of thing by a Father that was not! In my case; he was more then not present; He did not accept that he was or had to be any kind of Father; and he really never claimed I was his son. Instead; My brothers and I were ornaments on a tree. When the season for Ornamented trees was over; I was taken back to the rental shop and put on the shelf as if I was an inanimate object that did not come from a family; Pure barbarianism and thievery… Unbelievable. And it will only get worse.
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I will have no father figure ever show me anything; certainly not how to move forward on a daily monthly seasonly yearly basis where I accomplish things for my age and learn to mature in an independent nature into someone prepared for work or relationships of any kind… and all of this from ages 4-10. After this Im completely given away and gotten rid of; So their will be nothing but forms of brutal long term traumas of horror with no escape and no way to fight back; By the time Im 18; Im a broken 70 year old man with the equivalent of WW1 battle fatigue.
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This idea of learning nothing and going into shock from the first days of my life will carry through until now.
Now; Im in the hard part of things for recovery; the rough hallway trek from one room to another across the hall.
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Q; How do I re establish myself from 1st Grade to 6th Grade; From ages 5-14 into 9th grade; How can I do this again; and day by day learn to be what God and find out what God originally intended for me to be; Who am I?.
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Ive learned a few things Im imagining Im changing from my childhood;
First; Get rid of the false friends and all that time I spent at their house in grade school and some in junior high.
Their is an old saying; don’t give to rich or they will become richer and Ill become poorer…
So; eliminate my time or knowledge of those people; they were using me for free; that was their only intent… They were using me for free and simply getting richer as I become poorer.
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2. Ill have to work at things; Independence is not allowing others to take care of me if I can attempt to be able to attempt the idea of being dependable a bit for myself; Ill talk to God about this; a learned process; However; the idea of this being a number one factor of learning when young; learning how to do things; a work ethic… and learning about money and where it comes from; the spiritual side of money and earning and working; a work ethic….; This is a number one goal for me… Ill work with God on this.
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If I want to make music with a piano; I have to learn how to play it..
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And its much more then this; I have to have a kind of strong work ethic to handle it… that means I do what I have to do to learn what I want to learn; I cant make someone else do the learning and I get the reward…
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Out of rebelliousness I step away from learning the piano; telling myself all kinds of negative horror about myself concerning playing the piano. And maybe the piano is set in time periods of my abuse and I don’t want to remember; and I don’t want to remember the humiliation intimidation and abuse the memories trigger or the fact I had no character and could not learn anything because I was not disciplined for anything and had no work ethic.
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My idea of a work ethic is overcoming negative triggering thoughts that take me into insanity; Instead I have a strong enough work ethic; I keep working at something anyway because I say so.
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I have a brain that brainwashes me negatively from all sides in a Take Over vast way; when thinking about doing something with my life; accomplishing something; being someone; becoming something! It doesn’t work; to much PTSD; So; thats what I have to battle with…..
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WORKING IN ACTIVITIES:
Its hard; all the bullying and abuse that shut me down through my life; all the PTSD; So; my mind is ripped apart… So its very weak…
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At some point Ill start praying again for what I want… That means more abilities for activities and relationships…
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Brain is feeling warn out and bullied to death… The work I do to get stronger… It takes its toll of exposure…
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I can hardly function during the day…
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I think the key to having some success at creating my music with software is to just keep at it… Have basic goals and follow through with them until I'm competent from just interest and repetitive playing; repetitive interest on a daily basis; The idea I actually “Get into something”; Not Yet! Im in the introduction stage… And this is just the way its always been with my brain.
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Ill keep working with God on it…
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Certainly at anytime I can stop going to meetings and being around people. The problem is; many of the people are rude and they are bad people… Its a mix…. Some good; some not so good; but at some point; Ill take a break..
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Set goals and keep going.
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I did get a compliment today by someone who is very much like me… Hes seen the changes; so; its not that changes arnt occurring.
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Could I take an Art class at the community college? Yes; I think I could now; but I would never finish the work. And even if I did I would be in forms of survival mode; so; whats the point… Not yet…
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Asking God to bring forth the right people to take the place of my mother and father when I was in my early teens and adolescence…
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Asking God to replace any girls I liked at the time when young… And any fake friends that may have gotten in the way of my development through co dependency; My Co dependency… Asking God to teach me how I would have survived without them; maybe I would be a bit more respond able to myself.
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Asking God to look at this and replace those times with new decent people that really cared about me a and cared about my future; asking God for these people now!
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Im starting to get some life things figured out…
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Three areas of interest;
The girlfriend
My Hobbie and calling
Occupation…
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First; Its apparent to me that music is my calling and Hobby; it can be an occupation; Yet; for practical terms right now; unless God chooses another purpose for it; IT would be something I do after I come home from an occupation…
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So; here is a kind of scenario of occupation; Engineer… Lets say in another life; I went to school; I studied mathematics and went to college because am engineer bound; and and then DJ’d by Night… And there it is. What am I missing; For this imagined scenario; Im missing the girl.
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So; This is important; its part of what Im working through with God…
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THE GIRL;
So; In the past God brought me the Girl. She did not refuse me. I ended up going against God! And that's where the devastation occurred.. Im working with God right now to understand; Why did I go against Gods wishes and commandment for my life… Why? I didn’t believe…
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Relationships; I chickened out; Why?
Certainly hundreds of legitimate reasons concerning my past; but Why have any excuses not to move forward; I mean; why? At the last minute I did not trust God! Why? Well; I was not talking to God; I closed everything down and ran off…
I'm now talking to God about this… Is this true. Did God bring me the right people but I chickened out and ran away from God; Gods direction for my life; what God had set up; What He has set up… Did I pull away from God; Or; did I see I got myself into a situation where there was no God and I needed to run and get out of there; Im always talking to God about it; and I have to learn God has the answers I don’t.
One of my biggest lessons is to ask a question of this nature and stay out of the answer; This is where I humble myself and trust God; this is where I learn to trust God and depend on God; and its in this area I have not…
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So; more trust with God concerning women and the women Im suppose to be around and the women God brings me….
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So; Im now looking at three areas missing from my life that defines my whole life.
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1. What calling I would do after work…
2. Work; or occupation
3. Wife….
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And their it is…
These are the areas I want God to fill in; fill in, in a way I can understand and start working toward…
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One is now understood; That is music creation; And Djing… I know How I want to spend my time after work; I want to be in my music studio creating beats and experimenting with musical computer software and equipment… And performing DJ stuff… And this would include my own written stuff for piano song writing and singing and stuff; and maybe drumming; But you get the point; its the whole package for performing…
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OCCUPATION; I have a better understanding of occupation; the schooling idea for occupation and occupation; My problem is; WHAT OCCUPATION…
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NOTE: Neglected at birth and certainly no parenting concerning developing; nothing… I got nothing; I flunked out of school year after year basically. No love; no support no help; nothing…
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Im an old man; So I don’t really think or know if God really is going to put me into an occupation; its more important that I know who and what I am and what occupations I was suppose to go into; Writer; Engineer; Scientist physicist; Astronomer; mathematics Teacher? What? What Job during the day; I want to know…
I have this feeling at this point; I'm strong enough that if I knew what occupation; I would work with God on learning how to get good grades in classes… Still lots of trauma involved; However; Im slowly getting a handle on the idea…
So; Ill be working more with God on occupation; This idea of occupation was around when I was in 1st grade; unfortunately no one else was. I had no support on any front… From the beginning Im lost and insecure and with no love or attention. Im brought up by a TV set and TV Shows and to be seen and not heard… And in my case; Im rarely seen!
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WIFE;
I'm beginning to see another aspect of things… God sends wives and girlfriends that become wives… So; its about being right with God and working with God; but it also about living in the right occupations and dreams and aspirations and callings and goals; All of these things fit together to create a ME at my best doing what I love and from that outpouring; I naturally attract the right people. I can see this… I'm starting to see this again…
I had all of this stolen from me when young; God is restoring such things…
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Big important question for is; When young; did God send me a wife or was that the devil tricking me to be destroyed. Ill keep working with God on this until the day I die; its most important. However; all things are taken to God; so I'm not losing out on anything; I'm simply gaining knowledge all the time.
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Where does this go from here;
Ill keep praying about everything and meditation and going to meetings; Im still broken mentally disabled and home bound from agoraphobia paranoia AVPD Dissociative disorder and so on… Anxiety disorder…
Ill keep working with the DJ Software God has magically aligned me with; strait out of the soul of the spirit of Jesus; It has come from the universe; Just for me; it is a divine piece of software perfection; Just perfect from the universe; A gift from the universe; I reorganize it. A perfected gift from heaven for me From God… So; Ill play with it; and see what comes of the experience.
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All is good!
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