July 2025
June 2025
My mother did not try to develop me; she tried to destroy me. She could not completely do this when I was a child because I had a father in the house to put her in her place. But once he was gone it took only a matter of months before I was destroyed; I was in the 5th grade. The house was sold; I was then relocated to whom ever or what ever to be gotten rid of so she could take off and find other men for her new life... Unfortunately I had to live with her again at times; legal; I was underage and she had to take me back... She did this mainly so she did not look bad to the new suiters she was going after; she moved across the state leaving her children; My Grandmother would scream at her on the phone wondering how she could just leave her children. My mother was a psychopath that my grand parents had created; That was the sick thing; and I simply cannot call them family or Grand parents; They were no parents; They were child destroyers; all of them. Wicked is not the word for these monsters. Pure evil is what they were... Destroyers of human beings. Nothing safe.
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So; instead of moving beyond into manhood were I take over my own life; go after what I want; make my own decisions; someone else got into the middle of this and separated me from myself through abuse. Thats what the psychopath does; the narcissist predator; the sociopath predator.
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So; the question is; how do I get myself back; clearly see in my mind; my objective and go after it without all the PTSD and monsters visuals coming back into my head.
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One set of PTSD issues is the good things I miss that were taken that I cant grieve; too much for me; like the school system I was attainting; the school; my neighborhood; my house; my friends; my father; my church; my future. My future building relationships. My future playing sports in school and college and great grades and all the great things I was looking forward to; all ruined; its now my job to some how get all that back.
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I turned to my mother at the wrong time when I was a teenager to tell her about the girl up the street that I was in love with; I was in her car; I was verbally accused and accosted being told I was no good and didnt have a chance with a Girl like that up the street. I was simply destroyed. I realized at that point; that this was the same treatment I got when I was a little kid; this was a F_cking monster; my enemy; the enemy of life and everything good in it; and I did not have a chance being with people who did not love me or want me; but I had no place to go; I was thrown away already from this filth.
My Father got rid of my mother; she was trying to play act her roll into my fathers bigger extended family and get secure with their money; It fell through and never happened; thus she was through. She had three kids with this person; I was one of them; It mattered not to her; she had contempt for us the day we were born because she was only having children with this person to get the family money. Pure evil. She did not want to have children; she could care less and the only reason she took care of us was to keep up the act in front of my father. but once that family system fell through and she saw no financial future; she immediacy made plans to move; or leave; and she did ruthlessly. My life was over...
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OK; to the present. The trauma she caused separated me from me. She got in the middle of me and me and split it right down the middle; the damage was so severe; I could not go up and act normal around the girl I loved up the street; I was not normal anymore; I was only half normal before that. But now I didnt even have a house or home or parent base; I was hated completely; and with out that feeling of stability; I could no longer function and I certainly didnt have the abilities to deal with that and court this girl up the street; impossible. I did not have the character for that; it was way to much; way over my head.
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Oke; So Ive defined a problem; My mother split me down the middle; over n over destruction to my person life experience... Im now separated from myself again; this time my base has been eliminated again. No family; again. And this will ruin me; its incomprehensible... Some is trying to kill me; destroy me; torture me.
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So; Im to damaged to deal with this girl up the street; but I love her and God put us together so I could move forward safely with a new life; that was why we were brought together...
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So; we've defined the first problem. its a huge giant death defying problem. The problem is; I cant just go back to this girl; I have no stability; I would have to tell her; altho I have no family; no life; Im hated and have no business being in this area; no one to help me or that cares about my life; these people Im living with want to kill me; they want me dead; they are my enemies; not my friends and dont care about my survival; " I want you to know I love you and Im here for you and to take care of you"; Completely impossible for a teenager to even think in such terms; way over a teens head; ridiculous. horrifying; all of this.
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I shut down complete and could not talk anymore or function anymore; I was in such a state of more traumatic shock; I become a 6 year old again and could not function. Trauma; I walked away from this girl.... When I was around her I kind of turned on her completely; seeing her; " is she like my mother"; I began to see the whole world would be like my mother and could not move in it or function any longer. I finally left the area... I wanted nothing more to do with anyone.
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The problem is; The girl had done nothing wrong to me. But I was so filled with remorse and hatred and survival shock and I was so shut down; everything living; nothing to me was safe. I could not function at all as a human being. This had happened several times when attempting to go back and live with my mother. She would get a new boyfriend or husband and she would tell them lies about my brothers and my father and where she came from and we came from; making us look like the enemy and her a saint; so; when I was forced to go live with her; I was hated at the core as bad person; When in reality; I was a decent respectful nice kid... So where my brothers at the start; but they were ruined as well; completely.
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We had no place to go; no place to go back to; nothing. that was part of the pressure and stress.. I was completely destroyed from going through this over n over n over.
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Stuff Im talking about is the same stuff Ive talked about 1100 times on a 1100 blogs on this site; and I must say I really appreciate the ability to have a place to just spill everything repeatedly when Im trying to figure out what happened and how I really felt about it when young; I had to compartmentalize so many time periods and shut me off and become a new person at a new place; get re traumatized over n over n over until their were so many of me; Nothing functioned anymore; I started to become de franchised within myself... I was no longer self; I was a giant walking coffin; nothing else. Full dissociative disorder.
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Heres the point. A Gap resides between where Im at right now and that place or feeling that was taken from me when my mother rejected me while dealing with that girl up the street. When I first met that girl; I could move forward with my own independent state and go out with her. but after my mother got through with me; I felt I was hated at the core and could not deal with that and go up to this girl; I felt like an imposter that was not for real; and I had nothing to offer her. In reality; God sent me their; I did not have the strength to tell her I was a nobody; a nothing with no future; but I loved her and wanted to be with her; I dont know that I have the guts for that right now dealing with any present day person... How was I suppose to deal with this torture as a teenager; impossible. However, the point is; I have to see myself other then how my mother tired to destroy me and thats where Im at right now; that gap has to be filled but not by a middle class family system of the past where I was thrown completely away....
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So; I have to work with God to feel good about myself alway; and I dont know how to do that; I see my mother who I wanted to look upon as " my sweet mother"; who hated me and wanted me dead; really dead; completely rejection as a human being. And at the same time; I had to come up with a replacement for this? Impossible. I was derailed and destroyed by those monsters and their families; my mother; her mother; their relatives and on n on this goes and my father and his relatives; all of them.
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Im not sure how or what God is going to do for me to get this part of " self" back; but thats whats missing; how I feel about myself right now. I see my mother destroying me and Im given away basically over n over n over from that family system and Im suppose to feel good about myself; HOW! Thats what Im working on right now; GOD has to bring replacement for me to be a human being again... Something. thats the horrible gap that needs to be filled and I have to learn to let go of my mother and all that I thought I would have from that family experience; its just horrible; all of this; just horrible. But it has to be done. I have to see all of it as a failure before it starts... I had no idea I was going to be abused or destroyed or given way from that family system; I was not prepared for it and had no idea of it; completely took me by suprise; and that was their goal; to destroy children.. Unbelievable. Looking back on it; it all has to go so I can start over; Ill start working with God on this.
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So the goal is this gap that dissociates back to what I think my mother thinks of me and that whole family system being thrown away from it completely on all fronts including all friends I new; most; when growing up including school systems.... all of them...
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The point is; all of that negative information formed my view of myself making me extremely unstable and feeling completely worthless.
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Dissociative Disorder;
I was just playing speed metal music; I was imagining I was playing guitar in the band and singing to an audience; for a moment I actually saw myself practicing guitar and getting in a band and getting out their and singing; but suddenly it was caved; a thousand negative controlling voices or attitudes or feelings came in and took over. All of it dissociating me from the original thought.
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The negative thoughts instead of positive;
Im broken and my mind is weak; Im like the wing of a bird with a broken wing... Im a broken wing. No strength.
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SO; the goal is to learn how to hang on to that one thought and build on it; not let the thousand negative self hating thoughts come in and take over and put me into a dissociative state. and PTSD flash backs cause problems as well; its getting better... But my mind flips back to different places and stages in my life where Im not present anymore; its trying to do it right now as Im writing.
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So; the goal is; accept my dissociative condition; its here all the time and has ruled me most of my life.
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So; what are my goals? When I attempt to write about my goals; Im taken back to useless bad time periods with no hope. The small child in me wants hope so he will go back to my life when I was in grade school to complete my life; but that became a broken useless experience and ended up going nowhere but to destruction; but thats all the child in me knows.
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SO; I have to learn; when I think about Art; or creating Art; I have to some how get my mind cleared and end up with " right now" thoughts of what I want; In the present; this will take some work but is doable I think; because I know my mind is being taken over.
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My dissociative condition is so bad I could not longer work or have relationships and I was put on disability; So I must remember that... I mean; I get mad at this condition running my life but then I remember; My God Im on a disability because of it; of course its running my life. Ive got my work cut out for me; thats OK.
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So; Ill accept myself with this condition and learn to work through it or around it the best I can. Im not chasing after people and places and things and trying harder because I tell myself Im just not trying hard enough or something; Im on a disability; what disables me is the problem and ill start from that rock and work forward from their; Looking forward to accepting this more n more; the realities of where I'm really at in the real world and building from their; the things I want to do.
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Ive skipped the realities of who I am and the limitations of realities; meaning; Im starting with nothing but ideas; I have never really done anything with anything. And Im looking to get the fear and PTSD out of my mind long enough to get started and believe in the present and just do whats necessary for my enjoyment of a thing I want to do; learn to do it in the real world. My nervous system goes into hyper state worrying that Ill be destroyed if I step out into the real world. So; ive got that to work with.
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Actually; for the last 20 years ive been doing nothing but riding mountain bikes; Ive been into mountain bikes; expensive real mountain bikes; real mountain biking; but not much else; couldn't really do much else. Now; Im confronting all of my dissociative stuff the God and I can carve out some safe space in their and start doing stuff; do stuff; build a life of interesting things again; does that sound right. I want to create art again; stuff like that; I want a healthy safe out look; I think its possible.
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I would like a nice relationship with a women; is that possible; I think so; the old thoughts have to go; all of them especially concerning my mother; horrible unfortunate situation.
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Anyway; those thoughts got to change; and their it is!
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