July 2025
June 2025
From being sexual abused with no help; no one helping me. I learned to be used with no help. And getting used to being used. Trauma Bonded. I play the victim because I literally was taught to be a victim and Im scared to death and have been trained to be scared to death of authority that does me no good to ever fight against because more bad things will happen to me with those in charge; and I cant take any more of those kinds of people.
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In the meetings; I meet many of these type of people; men and women; and many them try to walk over me aggressively. And I learn from it but feel at home as well; a re establishing of trauma bond replayed over n over.
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Now; still damaged and controlled by those bigger than me when young who abused me and scared me; to a point of terror.. I had no parents anymore and anyone could do to me what they wanted... My nervous system was split in half... and twisted inside out... At times it feels like Im split completely into...
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Im now remembering some things. I knew when young I could not do it alone; I needed connection and allies when younger... So; I met new friends. But they never turned out to be my friends. I never did make it out of my house... I thought I had... But I was betrayed.
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In a sense I was in a dream world; I think to get out of the house I lived in because the house I lived in I turned into a dissociative... I watched TV and my thinking was internalized... I became introverted and internalized and dissociated in a disordered way. later full dissociative disorder and severe PTSD>
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When young; I tried at times to be social and thought I had succeeded; but I had not because the schooling system did not work for me. I could not connect and no one cared or cared to understand me or what was wrong. What was wrong; I was in a state of traumatic shock and no one cared. And no one cared about me or what happened to me. Some of this was covered; because I had gone out into the community when young and met new people and their families and spent time with them. So; I was getting some attention; basic attention but not much more. I was never did well or really anything in the school system; I was an F student through most if not all of it... And It was worse in later grade school junior high and high school; through bulling I was completely disconnected from everything. and finally in the school system; altho I showed up to school; I had very little else present and was not present mentally; no one cared; some teachers were curious but did nothing... They knew I was smart but did no work; but never asked what was wrong; because they were simp middle class...
I had hope from watching TV shows and movies; other than that; I said nothing to anyone about anything concerning myself; I guess I learned early not to tell any of those people anything; people you call parents...
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So; for a few years I did have some fun in my life but later grade school; everything fell apart quickly because I was not participating in school system and then at age 9; destroyed... and parents Gone; I was turned into a foster kid; the equivalent; looking back; thats all it really had ever been...
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In a way I was foster kid from the beginning of my life; not wanted; maybe I knew that; always.
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Here I am here... Im now trying to com out of levels of dissociation and trauma and find out what happened to me and move on.
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In the dissociative condition out of desperation I would hold onto people and places and things I remember like hanging on to gold because its all I ever had.
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At one point Im given away and sexually abused in that new place and outside is not safe and bulling. And all of this continues to add to horror and dissociative disorder.
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I was thrown away and not suppose to ever come back into my home town. No one cared if they ever saw me again; I meant nothing to everyone; no one even remembered Id been born...
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So; now; Im; with years and years and years of contact through 12 step groups and people and maturity and God and much work and step work and therapy and so on... Ive made some improvements...
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Now; Im having some real independent possibilities... not much; not like regular people's but something. something real.
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Im getting into video games and with a sense of independence...
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I still dont date people nor ever wanted to. after being sexual abused I did not want to get near anyone ever again... This made me even more estranged from the human race..
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I do not trust anyone; I certainly do not trust women... Im not the only one... with socialism and communism destroying the country and the country being twisted inside out with no purpose; Feminism is being blamed all over the world for this evil. Those in charge are not women; they are men but they have manipulated the women of the world into a stupid kind of agreement called feminism. Anyway; all of this for another day.
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Back to the topic.
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Ive been at meetings and putting up with many different people and changes are happening. Im getting interaction; not always good and it can hurt me. So; I have to watch it.
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I pray all the time.
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Im not sure what the future holds; Ill keep working toward goals.
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I really dont function outside... My nervous system was ruined when I was put into situations I could not escape from...
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The 12 step system is getting harder and maybe to much for me... 2 many bad people and Im starting to open up and express myself and Im getting friction from those around me and an understanding that many of these people are more criminal than anything else...
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Im not here to care what goes on in 12 step groups.
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My goal is to some how move on outside a bit into new worlds of interest....
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I never had a family of any kind only the thought of what a family is or I thought I was experiencing that I never was... all things were destroyed over n over n over n over n over...
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So; at some point ill be back at least where I was at when very young I think... I have no money; Ill work with the universe on this...
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What do I want from my life. A life that I was never able to touch or be apart of because I was never able to interact with it...
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Im not autistic; Im dissociative.
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Ill keep working with the universe.
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The problem has been; ive been in one form of institutionalization. even when very very young; the people I met; I met them because they had a house and parents and I could be part of them... one of them and taken care of; institutionalized. Even with the original family system I can from; institutionalized; I mean; it was the same thing; And I was pushed back into it and never came out of it; never able to take my thoughts and turn them into something in the real world. its as if Ive always been behind closed doors.
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Ill work with God on all this stuff... See if I cant slowly learn how to be part of a better world outside maybe; something...
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No one knows me.
Ive been around people for 30 years; no nothing about me even if they've seen me all that time; they know nothing because they dont want to know anything nor do they have to... They dont care; and thats what they are hiding about their character; or maybe not.
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So; Im trying to gain experimentation of interaction and it seems to be working; Ive been waking up in general; But I dont know more than that...
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Im interested in video games; computer gaming; that is a new step forward because its outside my mind.
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Ive had some interests in life but could do nothing with those interests; I never felt safe working on anything and certainly would not feel safe expressing any of it to the general public; I could never go that fare....
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Im still going to meetings...
I have an especially hard time with SOME women at meetings. They are feminists and try to take over every meeting and of course they ruin everything. They are like a plague... Ive never seen such a group fo corrupted people in my life... Its basically a sub culture cult; thats all it is of degenerative and dishonest people. More on the side of sociopathic or pathological tendencies...
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Its not all women; plenty of men the same way and much much worse.....
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Anyway; Ive had to survive through those people and still am.
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The is what I seek.
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I seem to have made it to a point of watching Tv shows as a child but thats as far as I ever got... could Never function in the real world with anyone; considering the cards I was dealt... no way to get established with anything.
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Im getting stronger and working on that concept and seeing what that pathway looks like...
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What ever level im at in the 12 step groups; Im metamorphosing into something new... Something else.
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Its all very hard because I never had a place or a time to ever feel safe long enough to be apart of anything. to settle in and do something or get used to society the way others do. I do not trust anything anywhere or anyone...
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Making the transition over the top of the dissociative wall into reality; or a place of personal power in society; I would not have a clue... I do; I dont; but I do kind of...
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Im learning how to head toward that but Ive been so destroyed... So........ ..>
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The girl up the street; I was stalking her; I was a stalker.. I was stalking her... And the power that gave me was thrilling... I felt a sense of power going after my victim... Turning her into a victim. Having fun control of her.. of the situation. All consuming her.,.
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The problem was; I was never invited; thats why I was stalking her; I was entitled; Thats what I thought.
I had never established a correct relationship with her because their was no relationship with her. I had found a victim to take my hatred out on so I stalked her out of hate malice and contempt.
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I was just as good as she was; thats why I was stalking her. I wanted possession of her because I had no possessions; I had no life. I was talking a stranger hostage...
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I was a young teenager and so was she and she lived up the street and her brother new my brother.
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So; the real work in this story is not to bring the this person up; but to only look at the lines I crossed from where I was living physically; at the moment I was living at this place and decided it was Ok for me to go up to her house because I had a thought about it.. I was not invited; We were not friends.. I felt entitled because of what other had done to me in the past.
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So; I have to look at this story at some point without her in it or anyone else; just my actions crossing lines had no business crossing; I need to define those lines and feel the violation I created.
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So; the story changes; now; its about my criminal intent because I wanted to get back at society for what it had done to me... And I was entitled; I was just as good as the society that tried to de value me into nothing... And so I had a right to be noticed and be treated with respect and cared about and noticed as a God... I had the right..
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So; I stalked her!
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What does this really mean.
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It means this; when I show'd up at her door; it was random; I did not call; I just came to her house. I knocked on the door; she answered and saw me and went into flirt mode... I entered the house and she acted like she wanted to be chased and given attention.
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The truth is; Very good chance she was scared and didnt want me associating with her and didnt know any other way to react. She saw me as a perpetrator and was scarred. I wasnt good or bad; I was a complete stranger.
She did not ask me to come up to her house; she did not call me nor show any interest in me.
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And I think that is important in this situation; she never took any interest in me nor had any interest in me.
She never called me. didnt have my phone number. She never suggested or asked me to be her friend. And I that set me off.
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She did not want to be friends with me because she didnt know me. I was a perfect stranger... She responded to me in a way a scared stranger would respond.
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I was a stalker showing up at her door.
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The key to this story is not with the girl up the street; I found out many blogs back that its about my choice to go visit someone or go up to their house like a criminal. I was mad about what others had done to me; violated me. Thats what I was mad about and hurt by.. I wanted to escape to I made her and her house an escape rout. I was using her... But I didnt even have a friendship with her; nothing. I had not established any friendship with her...
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I had not established any friendship with her. I was trying to get something from her for nothing. I was a con man and I was a criminal... And I was stalking her... Thats the only reason I knew who she was... technically I didnt know who she was.
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Technically it didnt matter; I had all kinds of problems and no answers... I was to young to have any answers... I had no idea what to do... I was being tossed through the tracks...
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The most important aspect of this story is the response she gave me though the door when I knocked; and it was a false one. Thats whats most important about this story. I was being fooled from the start. Technically I was a stranger knocking on her door... She was scared.. Thats how she responded. I took it as interest; it wasnt interest; she had no interest in me; she was scared when she saw me and didnt know how to proceed. She saw me as a stalker and didnt know what to do...
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I felt entitled to be their because all that I had been put through by others before me in the community; the abuse; so; I targeted her and was going to take it out on her.... So I stalked her... She was a stranger who didnt know me. Well; Technically I had met her... but I was a complete stranger.
I showed up at her door; she didnt want anything to do with me... and I was mad about it... angry. So I stalked her...
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I showed up at her house all the time... Because; I felt I was entitled because I needed a place to go and I was just as good as she was....
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She didnt want me and it made me mad...
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So; I would push myself on her by showing up at her door.... Her response was one of fear discussed as a kind of excitement.... It was fear.... She didnt know what to do.... And I liked it; I liked the control it gave me.... I loved it.... It was done out of hatred anger and rage... and hate and malice...
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So; I was showing up at someones house when very young out of malice and contempt and rage and hatred and entitlement. Why shouldn't she like me; I was worth it... But in reality; she did not need to know someone like me... I had crossed so many lines at that point; I could even look at my own lawlessness and how I was turning into a criminal... or a criminal minded person; I was turning into one out of hate... I was being thrown away and I was seeping out all over the edges...
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Im writing all this from a real perspective; a slice of truth... a slice of perception with the goal of grinding that image of her out of my mind; because it doesnt need to be their; to be here. Because nothing came of anything and something was not right from the beginning; I was being played by someone who thought they were better then me; as if they were slumming; in reality; someone a lot better then they were present. These monsters think they are above God...
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My point of writing is to find clues that will break the strong hold this girl had over me; or should I say; her memory and the worshiping of her.... I was so close; thats what I tell myself; so close for happiness. God can bringing me more happiness... Ill have to work on that; but he never brought her back... So; its possible that all my thoughts associated with her are made up and wrong; all of them figment of my imagination; everything.... all wrong...
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The point is; I want any positive thoughts of her gone... all of them because its true; nothing was good about that person; nothing; and I was a stranger who I was being played; mental illness plays very high in all of this.
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And Ill keep working on it one slice at a time; one perspective at a time for the rest of my life if thats what it takes to get this monster out of my head; but I have to see all of her as a monster first and feel better off if I had never met her and that what ever reality I was hiding form by holding her in my imagination; That reality is easier and after to deal with then to remember anything about that person.
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I still have a kind of narcissistic delusion stay with her; meaning; shes in my mind as if something is real happened between us; Im trying to get rid of that violation... its like being raped; thats what I feel happened to me... and I want her out of my mind. Ill have to keep working at it.
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