July 2025
June 2025
A past experience came to me... I saw this women; I cant remember how I met her. My brother new her; he was living up in the upper apartments; she below; open sided building...
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I met her; sat with her for about 5 minutes; and then had sex with her... or something; I came over again; this time her child was in another room; like a 4-5 year old... And when he saw me he started screaming; she had just separated from her husband... The child was traumatized seeing a strange man in their apartment and being with his mother; he flipped out; as he should have; Its a pure evil violation against God; me being their rupturing that little kids perception of family and safety; a strange man now in his house. So; Im sure he was traumatized for the rest of his life and freaked out;
I think I had sex with her that night and left.
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As I was leaving the father showed up as I was walking out of the apartment. We walked right by each other.
Looking back on this; This was insane and this woman had set the whole thing up... Thats why the husband was showing up exactly as I was leaving; they were divorced but that timing was not random. And allowing another man into her apartment in front of a 4 year old. Sickening.
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However, Here is the point of all this...
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I was mentally ill at he time and could not feel anything on the lower parts of my personality or I would have never been in their; and certainly never violated the space of a young child that needed to feel safe with a mother and father... Not walk out to a strange man in his apartment and not be his father.... Im not a sycophant. I would never ruptured the life of a little kid like that; ( pause); But I DID!
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Heres my point. I was mentally ill... I was; Really mentally ill! It was the reason I was ever around that women in the first place; no other reason. I can see that... I would never in all sanity disrupt someone else family like that; let alone get involved in the middle of something like that; thats insane; its as if I was not home; I wasn't present... dissociated from reality. and I was. And I can accept that. And I pray when that small child gets old enough and does trauma work; someone will point out that maybe that strange guy in that kids house was mentally ill and it was not at all personal.. And I say the same thing for the husband; or x husband; I certainly didnt want to meet him or be in the middle of his already broken up marriage with his just x wife... Thats not me. Thats not my style. But it was mental illness... completely.
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SO; here's the deal,.
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Concerning the girl up the street; Could it be; All the problem concerning that person; could it be mental illness? Maybe that would suffice and explain the whole of everything. Could it be I could show up but not participate and finally leave.
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One factor remains I have to work through; Somehow I got convinced or brainwashed into a more personal feeling for that person or with that person or it touched me at a much deeper level than was actually occurring. In other words. I was bonded to her; Im assuming its trauma bond... and I became dependent on her completely/emotionally. And I did. but this is not that unusual for me; I did this many time with different families and people. A part of me does not feel anything; I show up where I am accepted; but its always around anti social people. Its like Im the little kid in front of the TV screen in nursery school; I mean; Im 4 year old. and ive been at that age every since looking for families that would love me or take me in since I never had any that really cared about what happened to me; they were trying to get rid of me or destroy me. So; I ended up at other peoples houses. Is it so strange that some of those people would be rude and crude about getting rid of me... ghosting me... I wasnt part of their family? Who says they had to be nice; they were kicking me out... I mean; I wasnt part of their family or life or any part of them. I was no part of them; I was just some stranger that showed up around them.
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As for the girl up the street; she was just a stranger; but for some reason I got emotionally attached to her; but for what reason I do not know... I mean; I got triggered. the point is; I got to get un triggered from her... thats what Im working on because I was just a stranger with her as I was with everyone else... Mental illness was the reason I had problems with her and everyone else; Being at her house was mental illness; just as it had been with my " best friend"; I should have never known that person; and with that women I had sex with that I mentioned way above in the first paragraphs.
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So; Why is this so hard to believe or put together that I had mental illness in general at a lot of places where I was wondering around dissociatively... And I ended up at allot of peoples houses or what ever. The problems I had with that girl were mental illness problems... In fact; I had no problems with her because I never really even talked to her... Its all the feelings I held in while around her. I was silent around her basically; just hanging out for a while at times; for short while. And thats all their was... I was writing of by her fairly quickly as I had been written of by many people.
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So; Im getting somewhere. She really has no more value then anyone else I floated up around; I mean; its all the same... And Im gone...
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I seem to be hooked to her more then the others but my circumstance with them is no different; not with anyone of them; meaning; it was all even across the board.
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Im starting to remember; and Im starting to remember the life that was taken from me; its been buried for most of my life; Now Im being allowed to remember. Slowly more n more Im remembering my beginning memories with my father... more n more... my real memories; almost seems like someone elses life... like it must have been a life on a Tv screen from a movie and not mine...
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I have an inner deeper person within me; child that has been closed off from reality because he had home and no way to ever go home again and he would never see his mother and father ever again or the dreams associated with that family system and all its dreams and friends and future; all was gone all destroyed. All buried alive...
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SO; now those memories are starting to slowly show up; Interesting.
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Im praying for more answers concerning there girl up the street because it wasnt real; not the way Im trying to suggest. She was no different then anyone else I roamed to mindlessly.
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I want my mind and my life back. The truth is; this was a stranger no different then the other strangers; and I may have wanted interactions with her but maybe not. I think I just wanted to get the hell out of there...
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The problem was; I had nothing out here in the real world of the living; nothing. No way to function out here. I still dont but I know that and Im working on acceptance to that maybe I can look into studying things I always wanted to be a part of...
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What bothers me about the girl up the street is. I never held on to other people in my memory like I did her; but her outcome was the same as everyone elses. She meant nothing to me. I meant nothing to her... Im not sure what I thought she meant to me... or why she would have been put into that category.
I think I slipped her into the MOM category... meaning the child slipped her into the MOM figure I would have had at 4-6 year old and it really stuck....
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So; Im a victim concerning her. And so I have to figure out what happened with her enough to move beyond the victim roll. So; I can face her; tell her how I feel in my imagination; change the narrative on paper... Change everything on paper. Learn to face her and get out of victim roll and move on... get my strength back; This will take some time from this new narrative..
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Next; from their is maybe doing the same in other situations from my past and then start creating a new present and future for myself.
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Its interesting how trauma is. A whole world may be going on down the block; but I cant see it; I can only see whats in my mind. However, if I can get beyond the old programing and into the beginning stages of a new life with safety and foundation and some clear pathways leading outward with support; suddenly Im up to that frequency level; I then can move out of the programing right in front of my brain that is clouding me or blinding me. Dissociative disorder blinds a person; They cant see in front of themselves; they only see the PTSD; its like being blind...
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I than began to create a new set of imagined scenarios....
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One of the horrors of the past; especially things like " THE girl up the street"; Its a horror show; horror video game... Thats what those monsters lead you to; They like torturing people. And I have to get to a point that I put the ( girl up the street) as one of those tortures; and leave it at that; but thats an earned quality; that is not free; that is an on going situation to slowly break the trauma bond that was induced... Ya now; thats what it was from the beginning; it is as simple as that. she may have been young; but she was a torturing sadistic sociopath and thats all she was... Nothing more. I was fooled... faked out... well; way beyond faked out... She was no different then the other tortures I dealt with... I just didnt know what she was.
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These writings are to help me learn and understand what she was; so I can break down the walls of these monsters and see them for who they are... and thus learn to leave them where they lie and move on. If I see the person as a brutal monster creature of horror; why would I want to stay or keep the memories of such animals; I wouldn't; but I have to have no respect for them or feelings; ive found that when they are discredited in my imagination from proof; I no longer value them... and can walk away from them...
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Im starting to understand they do the same thing; they have no value for me because they do not have any values... and I have to recognize and wonder how or why I would put out any time with monsters like this in the first place. I was mentally ill and trauma bonded to my mother and father and sexual abusers and their wives... and teachers and bullies and others; I mean; I was owned by everyone; so it doesnt surprise me someone else would show up just like them.
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What ever Im doing it seems to be working... The whole idea here as I work on this is; the past information begins to fade a bit into the background and the front ground; my present becomes stronger; but it becomes stronger because Im working at it and Im working on de bunking an de valuing the past... The idea is to find fault or faulted with the past so it goes into this kind of; " I had an experience today and I got over it in a few hours after processing it because I have a cozy home life and I have friends and purpose and I feel safe". Thus; it doesnt matter what happened in the past; I didnt really loose myself on this specific situation; and in this case I am focused on The girl up the street.
IVe noticed she is tied in with thought of sexual abuse time period; both are mixed into each other... Dont know what that means. Its possible that the girl up the street; thoughts of her were covering thoughts of sexual abuse in order to keep the pain levels down... However, as I get stronger And some how get the PTSD down to a manageable level in my brain; this means something like this.
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Imagine you are looking at your computer screen; the PTSD is all consuming and takes over the whole screen and beyond. IT consumes and thus renders me helpless... Now imagine the same imagery on a screen but you can see the borders of the screen; you can see just a little on all sides of the original screen with the main picture show inside it... Thus its obvious its not really happening; you can see the borders; so you know its playing out like a movie but more stable that its just a movie; One is grounded because they know its just a movie; the borders are showing...
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And all of these things are helping me understand what is reality right now and what is not. And showing me that what is not reality is not worth keeping and if I am keeping it; something is wrong. Ive put a value on something that has no value; something has miss fired here. So I must go back in and devalue it enough to be able to throw it away... let it go; not miss it; In order to do this; its a combination of devaluing it and heightening the present.. That is not an easy thing to do by any means. but; I've been doing it a bit. As I get stronger in the present; the past is easier to let go and its easier when the deep feelings of sorrow or grief show up of what I missed from the past; its easier to dissect that past and break down the lies of it and see it for what its not; realizing I was lied to durning those all important deep moments of love n romance; ALL FAKE>. I got faked out...
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In order to deal with; "( I GOT FAKED OUT)..." ; I have to break it down... split it open into parts and go inside and take a look at it; take a flash light with me. pick things up inside and question what they mean; what they are... break down the walls and fortresses of my mind and see what Im really hiding from... And I will tell you; it hurts; it really hurts to do this; I mean; I wince in pain from inside my mind; the sorrow; the instant grief; it hurts when I dont dissociate.
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