July 2025
June 2025
And more n more Im learning about Dissociative Disorder and its effects on my whole life from the beginning of my life.
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The girl up the street; New findings and some relief coming my way;
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First; God; for give me for going to this persons house; and forgive me for going to her house and disturbing her or judging her or complaining about her.
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She was a total stranger; what do I mean.
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As I wake up from trauma slowly and bits at a time; an underworld appears of who people were and what was really going on that I could not register at the time.
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The girl up the street was well how do I say this; a SL_t.. A Wh_r_ maybe... Really? Wow. This is news to me. This is new to me. This concept; it was buried; I buried it as I was associating with her.
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She was not single. And I remember her telling me exactly the kind of person she was; she told me how she made out with other guys; showed me pictures of her cousins with giant muscles and that's the kind of guys she wanted. And I remember her dating other guys. I mean; while I was interested in her or going up to her house.
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Now Im like. Wait a minute; this is not the innocent virgin I want to marry ; "What am I doing here at this persons house; Help! Some one wake me up please".
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Im starting to look at this person as a stranger; I mean a real stranger of a sort I was not aware of. I was not aware of it because I had to make her into something completely different at the time and ignore what was actually going on. Getting hurt from her is not nice; not fun. Obviously she was not a nice person; I ignored this fact and ignored many more signs.
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She was not my friend. I guess I thought I saw potential but there was none. I can say that now because she is a different person than I thought; then I made her out to be.
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She is not even the same person I thought she was. she truly is a complete stranger.
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My mental condition made her out to be someone else completely. So; when I was rejected by her I was devastated; but in reality I was lucky to have known her for 20 minutes. I mean; she probably had some other guy of interest by then. Thats a better description of her.
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I did not meet someone I would have liked to date; I did not meet someone that was even compatible with me. This was a complete stranger.
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Facts are immerging from my personality; from my past indicating that I just jumped at the chance to go up to her house out of curiosity. I did a very foolish thing. I randomly decided to invest time with that person; WRONG MOVE! WrONG WRONG WRONG!
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Its like meeting someone in a hotel room and asking them to marry you on the spot; WhAT?
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Im trying to look back and think if anything about that person rang a bell in my eyes; NOPE! Nothing!
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This was a complete stranger.
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I guess I was desperate for love or attention from anywhere; anything.
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This person wasn't right or wrong for me; she was different then right or wrong. She was my only hope and my only choice. I had no others. I could not function I guess and I turned her psychotically into any person I could so I could have a reason so show up the next time; and it was all mental illness; all of it. So; in a sense this person means nothing to me. I didn't even know them.
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On to the other discoveries from God.
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Instead of blaming this person; its; " God forgive me for hating this person". Im now saying this over n over. At some point; I broke the friendship? is that what I would call it; I kind of acceptable trust bond is more like it; I broke it and of course everything was over at that point; she woke up deciding I was not the nice creep she thought I was but an immature weirdo that could not sustain relationships. Not what she wanted to hang around. No problem; in 20 minutes she had someone else to hang around or go out with or make out with or ..... I mean nothing to her because she was not in the market for such things I guess. I mean; did I know her?
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The point is; Instead of blaming her. I ask God to forgive me for hating her or using her or manipulating her or even being at her house; ( I had no real reason for being there; I was completely mentally ill). I really didn't want to be anywhere; I just wanted out; I wanted help; that's all I wanted; and non would come; not from the family of monsters I was living with. I was hated and despised...
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I had to make this person out to be someone she was not. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it was the only way I could actually feel she was worth my time. Its as if I took a person not right for me and tried to me her right for me. It didn't work. She had free will; to bad!
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As I wake up right now; Im only half present. Enough tho to see that this person was not who I made her out to be. I mean; dispositively speaking she was nothing like I made her out to be because I made her out in my mind; But the real person was not that person. So I put up with many other things along the pathway; it was like I was determined to have her as mine. Or my creation; my friend. Why? I don't know? It was a huge mistake; why. Well; First; she was never single. So; what in the world kind of drugs was I using! I mean. What?
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There was no one available here for a relationship nor anyone qualified to be a friend of mine? She was not qualified because she would have had no reason to be a friend of mine; she was busy. She didn't need me to be friends with her. What? What was I doing.
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Was I safe? No! Then what was I doing there. ! And this is a great question. and Im not ready to answer it yet; Ill have to pray about it first because I was so dissociative and still am; Im not in touch with everything under the radar of what dissociative condition I was managing or living with.
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The scary thing is; I was fully mentally ill and I was reaching out to some girl and I was in a state of completely psychotic delusion.
I needed help... help help help! I have no idea what I was doing... it was all delusional. I was operating from deep within my mind; the damaged part.
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Let me say the first thing Im pray about every day several times a day is to ask God for forgiveness for acting out around this person or even being around them or showing up around them or there house or property or ever knowing them. I should have been 1000 miles away; they were complete strangers and Im humiliated by what I did by getting involved with them in the first place. I led the person on. Lied to them; manipulated them; turned on them. I was crazy! I never stayed friends with them. I dont know who they were or what they were about; anything; no idea; no clue; Who do I think I am for Gods sake; that I would even made a judgement of the persons family condition or living condition. Wacked!
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Im not out of this yet; it will happen with Gods help and Ill see this person as a complete stranger and Ill feel so stupid for ever associating with them in the first place.
Ill stop there.
Ill continue to report on what I find... because the truth brings relief and that's all I'm trying to do; find relief... so I can live in peace.
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As for others; other friends; same thing. I was in this state of delusion very young. I reached out to strangers; cant say it any better; and I thought they were what ever my fantasy wanted them to be.
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IVe been doing this all my life. Im hoping I can get stronger now and have just a little bit of peace and morality and correct judgment and sanity and a bit of real reality in the sense of where Im suppose to be and who Im suppose to not be around.
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I look back and I see a very small child in me taking over to get basic needs met as an adult. I mean from the ages of 0-5.
I was not emotionally taken care of when young. DId not know but I did. I mean I remember; but there was no where to go no way to get help. I was stuck.
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This is a start of something a little new. I hope I can discover more so I can let go and have a present life without being eaten alive by the past.
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