July 2025
June 2025
Here I am now; at age 13… And Im now dealing with those things of at the age of 13. What I find amazing is; What about ages 0-13; What happened to those years; Well; I worked through them? My God; is that correct?! Yes; maybe! Yes! Im now on to age 13…
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Empty nest syndrome; My nervous system doesn’t have anything to focus on from the ages of 0-13; Its now at age 13; to do the work on what happened at that age; I guess Ive worked through all of the stuff before that age; My God; Is this really happening????? I guess.
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I feel really insecure right now; Like Ive got no broken child to concentrate on. The broken child in me doesn’t exist anymore; hes now 13 and that means hes made it; Hes made it out of his childhood. Sort a. The later parts of his childhood; and the beginning of teenage years; Im now in teen years. This is incredible. It does not feel good; its scary but real… Its like a fat 400 pound fat guy that lost all the weight; and is now 155 pounds and is not insane anymore… his sanity has returned to him concerning what he was hiding from. He is still damaged goods and has trauma problems; but hes 155 pounds and does not have fat to think about anymore; hes literally suffering from empty nest syndrome. His nervous system does not have anything to grab onto to fight for or about; to fight for the victim with in him; because he is free; free indeed. Hes no longer a fat victim and looks like that part of his life is over with. His nervous system is just sitting there stunned and confused and silent; just waiting; no more reason to be angry and fight and protect because those problems have been worked out.
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The past; the door is still open; but theres nothing in that garage anymore; the garage; its doors and windows are open and its been swept clean. Theres nothing there!!!!
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A metaphorical example of how Im feeling!
I feel like I had a large dept with the bank; I walk down to the bank; I walk in to talk to the teller and they don’t know me. Im like; “ excuse me; I have a dept with you I have to pay”; They look at me and say “ Leave” “ you are not wanted here” “ You have no dept with us” “ there is the door: leave now”. Stunned; and in shock; I turn around and leave and never return; for my dept has been payed… They never want to see me again… for they only see those who owe them money… they have no idea why I would visit them; I have no dept with them anymore…
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And thats what going on right now; I don’t have the broken child in me anymore; its been worked out; He is more like a 13 year old who is middle class and a reformed psychopath from the streets; scars all over him but inside of him is an innocent child-teen-young adult middle class kid self contained; hes Ok… Hes beat up from the street up but made it to safety and is now in safe hands and growing again… hes been restored; hes the nice innocent middle class kid; and hes rarr’n to go.. go move on and work through teen age years; actually; hes not; but he is; meaning; the focus is on age 13 and onward… Nothing before that; not really.
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However; there is sexual abuse; but it seems I may have worked through enough of the important areas concerning that trauma; enough; that I was able to escape and move forward and that may have been what I was looking for; an escape rout; and it seems for a large extent; that is whats happened; because Ive been able to escape into the present; its also acted as an escape valve for the past; but it has happened; is it perfect; I don’t know.
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I can say this;
In my imagination I see the abusers in there house; when I was 11-13; and Im 13; and suddenly they are asking where Im at; because I have vanished. Im no longer in there house; I have vanished because I am here now in 2022; Ive escaped somewhat to another time period; and its possible I escaped into the memories of 14 and on up. Anyway; Im making my point… Ive escaped that time period. I am no longer trapped there to a certain extent; they are looking for someone that does not exist there anymore. Im gone from that place.
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Does this mean Ive fixed all sexual abuse issue; probably not; but it looks like Ive escaped from the place it occurred in; and that may have been all the answer I was looking for; or part of it; the actual sexual dysfunction of that time period; that will be another issue I deal with when its time to deal with women and dating again. I don’t know. Im just watching all of this in concern, relief and amazement.
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Goals;
Right now Im dealing with music goals;
Next; relationship Goals with women… So; dealing with sexual issues and functioning with women will come later. … not right now.
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Does this make any sense; is this making any sense?
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13 is an important age; For me; its the next learning age level; the problem was; I was ripped out of the last 5 years before this; no growth; nothing; just survival mode and massive trauma… deep dissociated trauma… So; ages 8 ½ to 13; turned into brutal horrible years… I decsending into it starting at age 8 ½; like walking out into an ocean; where the sand shelf is slowly getting deeper under water and then suddenly drops with a step dive to 400 feet; and I with it; submerged into hell and gone.
Now; Im coming out of it; letting the water wisk off me as I return to land; standing and walking onto the land. Would I say whole again? Well; kind of; the inside of me… Yes… not bright and shiny; but bright and shiny kind of on the inside; somewhat whole again; the past did not win; it tried to suck my life way; but it didn’t happen; I reached out to God and God brought brought me back.
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So; It was like I had been in a war zone…
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So;
Here Im now; at age 13; My God; how did I do so much recovery work; more like prayer to God; to get to this point; this place. God did this; I did the work tho; the work was meant to show and teach me how to bow down to God…. And God did this… Suddenly its gone ( the past remains but Im no part of it anymore; ive vanished from the past). But Im still undeveloped and now I have the next level of years to deal with; thus; Teen years; Im not out of the thorn bushes yet… My God!
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EMTY NEST Syndrome; I used to have a past to cuddle 9 broken lonely inner child) and hold and rock; Not anymore; its gone. The child in me is ready and rarring to go! Hes alive; still dissociative but middle class again and street beatup and scarred and dissociative but he made it; hes older now; hes 13; hes made it out of the younger part of his childhood and hes rarr’ing to go! Move forward and face the next level of challenges that will ultimately bring him back to the present and the ability to focus on success in the present; thats the object; success in the present. He did it; He fought a war against all odds and won. Im shocked; he made it out of the past; the child in me; tooth n nail. He fighting the whole time; never ever did he ever have a break; and he made it out! Amazing!! Truly; Im sitting here just stunned!
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Its a rare thing for a person to make it out of there childhood like this; I mean; I feel empty nest feeling; like I have no more past to focus on or rely on; or rely on for my purpose in life or focus. I feel like a fat guy that lost all his weight and no longer has a weight problem psychologically or physically and doesn’t know what to or what to focus on. Its like; suddenly ive been freed and don’t know what to think or what direction to go or what to do..
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The Present;
Suddenly I want to move forward but have never focused on solutions for that; simply because I was fighting through the past of ages 0-13. So; I never had to deal with anything beyond it; but that has now changed.
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First; Let me say; I move on to age 13; Where I had already been thrown away; had not had a family for 4 or 5 years by that point. lost; scared to death; traumatized; sexually abused in the new place I was thrown into… Had no choice. No where to go; nowhere to run; No where to hide. No hope; nothing but hatred and horrible terror and fear. Not one person on my side on earth; Nothing… No humans around me; just criminals of sick sorts; pure evil… Those who want to molest children. And Now; at age 13 I have to go to school; my mind is completely disorganized and over n over cut off from its self trying to figure out how to survive where realty is not possible to live in… My mind is fragmented and getting more fragmented and completely cutting off into sections and burring itself as there is no answers and nowhere to hide. No where to go. Im literally alone.
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For those who understand this level of trauma; sadness is for the rich; I was way beyond sad or broken;’ one goes into survival mode; a completely different aspect of pure survival. Nothing in the past is real anymore; its gone… Like being in a war where ones home town and all who are in it are gone; destroyed. One goes into a survival mode…
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7th grade; altho this actually started in 6th grade and show signs of it in 5th grade; In 7th grade it all takes off to horrible levels.
Bullying; no ability to be present; cannot function in the school system; to mentally ill from PTSD and Dissociative disorder and deep trauma bonded from being broken from abusers. Yet; I have to go to school; and do what; I tried to act in the beginning normal; but that never even existed; nothing; Im thrown away and alone; can do nothing.. I cannot function at all. I trust no one anymore; nothing; no one.
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Indifferent school system; could care less who I was; no protection against bullies; nothing; no one cared; nothing.
In the 6th grade;
And all my talents and future gone and all my ability to practice my talents; gone… had all my stuff sold out from underneath me when I had to live with my mother in a new city where I was completely did not function at all. Nothing… completely catatonic; They had to finally send me back to my home town… Where I received no help; nothing.
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in the 7th grade Im moved back to my Grandparents house in my hometown; they are no better; monsters… and I have no one to help me; Im completely alone… These are strangers; theres no real grandparents; they are what created my mother… and Im being eaten alive.. I hate calling them any kind of parent; grand parent or anything else; they were not; and should never have ever been allowed around any children; for they wreck lives; they were pure evil; arrogant evil. Pure form of evil.
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Flying the plane…
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I remember in the recovery process when I was told; “ Let God drive the bus” “ stop driving the bus”; and I did; I let God drive the bus; I got in the back seat and allowed God to do everything; as I should have.
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However, Ive graduated; suddenly Im not in a bus anymore; Im in a plane. Im at the airport. I find myself in the passenger seat and God in the front seat as pilot. God is the pilot; I am the co pilot.
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We are both driving the plane together. When in the air; at times; I want to drive the plane myself; so; God allows me to; suddenly I swerve to the right and head down in a spin; I then crash and hit the ground. Not to worry; the plane is made out of rubber; so we just bounce until the plane comes to a stop. God looks at me; pulls out a manual on how to fly the plane and hands it to me.
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I have to re learn all over again how to fly the plane; I have to read the manual. Finally with much time and work; I get the plane back in the air again. Both God and I are flying the plane; we both have our hands on the steering wheels.
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Many times in the air; Ill take over for awhile and when I lose control and the plane begins to spin; God takes it right back, straitens it out; smooth again; because God is the pilot and Im the co pilot. Im just learning for the first time.
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The example of the plane is about learning the basics of life; something I don’t have; and I should not claim I ever had it; I didn’t… And because Im now copilot of my life; more responsibility, What motivates me to get better? When I crash the plane with God as pilot and I as co pilot; it motivates me to get better and learn to be present and work at flying the plane. I want to get good at flying the plane; the consequences of crashing help to motivate me to learn the basics of plane flying. Its not easy; I want an easier softer way; Wont work when flying a plane.
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Its like riding a bike with training wheels; suddenly I make the decision to ride with no training wheels. At first; for the next minutes it works; but suddenly I get wobbly and crash. I get back up; put the training wheels on and try again and again and again. And thats how I learn the basics. God is always actually in control of the bicycle.
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How bad do I want it; How bad do I want to go through this lousy habit of crashing all the time and what do I want to do about it.
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