August 2025
July 2025
Coming back from nervous breakdowns… And how it affects Dating…
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So; under God; with magic and help; Im finding myself in a new manifested quantum leap’d; Real!.
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Im becoming social and popular again with women. I love women; I love them with all my heart. Meaing; Im extremely attracted to them at all times and love being around them obssessivly. I used to spend hours and hours with them doing everything… talking, calling, visiting.. hanging out. ALlot of me thought about them all the time non stop. I loved them; and thought about them all the time and wanted to be round them with them and doing things with them all the time. I just loved it. I love to talk; and I loved to talk to them. Love…
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So; Im looking forward to learning a life back where I get to be more social and meet interesting people again and spend time with them.
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Another problem;
I want to meet women that are right on the inside for me; But; Also on the outside. Many times now; Im interacting with women who have the right education but M; Im just not attracted to them completely…
What I want is both; at-least an even amount on both sides; in n out!
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So; Ill have to pray for this. Im scared because I don’t want to go through being put down. What can I say; I want a women I think is adorable and beautiful physically… For me! And I don’t want any less. I don’t know what they would mean to anyone else but….
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And Im not around that…
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Its always like; Theirs so much competition out here… IT seems like the girls that are 4’s in looks are going after guys with 9’s in looks and social status. Unfortunately; those girls will only be good for physical expression with a gent like that; nothing more; and he will leave them after a few months of using them…
Im just kind of throwing that out there. I saw this info on a vid in youtube… So… Take what you like and leave the rest.
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For myself; So far; Ive never gotten the right combination… Yet. I really need to see it as something positive that Im getting close and I have to believe its possible… Possible to find or have God bring someone beautiful and adorable to me; How I feel about them; And intellectual and smart as well… with down to earth reality… Anyway… Im getting there. I have to learn to believe.
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They were a real part of my existence; a thorough complete part of my existence; they were all I thought about. But not everything. And its this part of my life; I lost all. And now Im grieving badly heavy; while God regains my life ability back to me again under his direction and care.
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I had another several lives developing at the same time; and I had interest in those other things as well. However; When the real breakdowns started; it was all over; No more social; everything became schizophrenic, unreal, and anti personality disordered; Anti social to survive. Al-tho; finally I could no longer survive on my own; I was gone; lost…
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However; after more neglect abandenment and abuse from the origional people I came from ( meaning; I was being thrown away); My mind left me and then I was not here anymore. No more popularity or anything. Nothing; I became far distant from people.
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After this mental illness got worse n worse.
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However; after years of recovery; Now; its getting better for me. However; its slow; and its all work under God…
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However; God is taking care of me like no other. By being under Gods realm, energy, and sovereign state; Only good things or coming my way continuously. I asked God for a girlfriend. And Im being changed inside and out to do it; God Universe is the one changing the inside of me… Im literally getting flipped upside down; backwards into a new being.
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Here I am; Im becoming social again; needed in that very special sensitive aware awake spontaneous way; interested way; that combines to be an interesting soul to women…. And its been happening now for awhile. All I can say is; Im becoming popular again; its that specific kind of social… and its upon me. Ive moved into its realm.
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THE PROBLEM; Its almost as if Im 11-13 years old in my social development; But I need to be 17-18 years old in social development to have girlfriends…
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And Im feeling it; Im feeling the shame; and Im feeling the complete loss of knowing what to do; or how to proceed. How to get myself to remember; ( I have Dissociative Disorder); Im on disability; so; lots of dissociative Amnesia; I was blocked out or locked out of almost every memory I had of anything other then my name; my mothers name; and fathers and the town I was born in. Everything else; I was locked out of; that includes how to remember how to do experiences… My mind will not allow it because it was to deeply damaged; will not allow me outside; out in the real world.
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However; that is changed or has already been changing for an ( hour of power); Meaning; for a Minute; Meaning; for long while now; growing on a few or several years of slow silent work building; and the last few years seeing drastic change; and then the last 9 months seeing tremendous change; and then the last several months; Quantum leaped into a new life; back into society again and; with the ability socially to open up all over the place enough to be popular with women.
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So; My ambitions to have a girlfriend; God is sending me down the path… However; there is a problem.
Ive not healed in areas dissociatively; Im still damaged with no recovery in these years; these years of experience I need. SO; The universe will put me through new experiences that I remember How to do this and that Ive done this before; meaning; these needed years on how to date. Its all blank… or bad thoughts.
NO CONFIDENCE; NOTHING!
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So; These years have to be opened up for me… some how; And that brings me to the present; now!
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Here I am now. Ive become popular with some of the women I know. Also; socially Ive been able to start loving things again; like the grass; the plants, leaves, the trees, horses when I ride by on my mountain bike. Also, saying hello to everyone from my bicycle when I go by; Even women in cars with the windows down or female passengers with their windows down. I say hi or hello and smile; They all wave back with a big smile on their faces.
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In addition; Im starting to open up to strangers and hold my own in conversation ( we are talking about women) and others as well... Im just say'n. Things are opening up for me!
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So; God is bringing about many good things; but Im stuck. I cant seem to get beyond the edge of self; where Im at.
A gap resides; a desert I must cross… Its like cross a river. Im stuck on one side and having to cross to the other; and Im in the middle of it; its scary terrifying and the unknown.
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The problem; Grief; and PTSD; IT all triggers the past when I was thrown away; and the loss of everything and everyone in my young life; and I had to watch the loss with open eyes and couldn’t do anything about it; I lost everything; no one cared; it was if I had never been born.
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Unfortunately, for me to continue down the path Im working on; I have to relive those years; at-least wade through them; seeing the horror, the loss; the sadness.. I have to; and that is what Im preparing for now.
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All I have are dissociative dreams with no experience. I have no experience in this area; within the real world; Ive never gone this far in my real life; my real past life was cut short. Ive never gone this far before.
I don’t know anything; or what Im doing; Im blind; everything is gray; Im so afraid of being destroyed out here where its not safe.
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Im literally like a 6 year old walking around blind; What do I need; I need the Universe to take one hand; I need God to take the other; and I need the Angels of create a pathway protected for me to walk down and learn from. I need to feel safe…
I need to feel like Im living in a house again on a street in a neighborhood of an old fashioned town where I can feel safe; taken care of and loved. I literally need a family.
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A FAMILY: Well; I kind of have some of it through my 12 step groups; However; I need something more; I need people on my side.
I literally need a girlfriend so she can help me. The problem is; Im doing all of this to get a girlfriend.
So; working through the next few months of this is crucial but extrordinarally insecure and lonely; its a real alone feeling… its like being in a battle field of WW1 and I have to cross it with other soldiers while the bombs are dropping; with no idea how to survive or even if I will; its that kind of fear.
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Its like a child being thrown out into adult land; totally insecure and freaked out; but somehow; somewhat ready under God…
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Its like Im ready but not ready but Im under God.
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Im preparing
Im preparing for the journey;
Im still a few maturity years off; What does this mean? A few years of maturity growth means; maybe several months in real time.
I never got to grow at all through years beyond 9. And from 0-9; those years saw much dissociation and very little development. However; Im totally dissociated after 9 years old. Everything is survival mode and AVPD; Avoidance Personality Disorder….
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NOW WHAT!
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So; here I am. A gap resides right now; From where Im at and what smaller streams I have to cross right now before I get to the bigger river to cross…
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The problem right now is ( Right Now); Im stuck up or lodged up against the edge of a large stream I have to cross; and I don’t know how; Im stuck there. Im just kind of there; Now What! So; Ill take a break; get my wits about me; start meditating and working with God; And answer when ready on how to start the process to cross this stream of many streams Ill learn how to cross before I get to the much bigger river to cross that.
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I need real world experience; and for what I don’t succeed at, at first; I gain experience. Im truly blind; I just don’t have any confidence; nothing; I have no experience.
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Think of someone living in their Grandmothers basement all of their lives and one day they are allowed to go outside and they don’t even know what “ Out Side” is! And their you have it; Shame; confusion Pride and terror; all mixed in together; with fear and low self worth and esteem. Amen.
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I pray for the Helpers God is sending me; Amen.
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