July 2025
June 2025
So; The goal is to work with my inner being; the universe; source energy; myself and the vortex of the vortex of God; and or the vibrational frequency response area; This is where dreams are created.
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The key is; I have to become a cooperative component with God and my inner being; all working together in the vortex for my good and direction. I create a dream and we all work together to allow it to build in the vortex. This means I want to be in the vortex all the time. While in the vortex; impulses will come to me; Insights will come to me. The universe will create the path of least resistance. My inner being knows how to bi pass different areas of the journey to get strait to the paths of least resistance; and thus; pulsars; pulse waves will show up like light on a trail; I will sense or see the pulse and decide if I want to go down that pathway. And as I move down it further; more impulses will began to nudge me that I'm going in the right direction.
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Its about doing this day n night working with the universe.
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Music;
I was looking at music; and I thought; Ive never started any thing and finish it; including a song; its like Im 7 year old and lost. I mean I pluck some keys on a key board and call it through; I never go any further; I do that or this out of contempt for the earth or myself and society; but mainly against society. Ive never gone any further with it; it would take to much work and Id be found out to be a fake and show Im not that good at it.
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One way of compensating for not being that good is to finish a piece and play it live; Im speaking about getting good at song writing and finishing projects...
So; these days; I keep it open; I keep giving it to God.
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I keep it open to the vortex and just keep it open. keep giving it all to the vortex and keep working at things.
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I think my music goals would be to finish compositions and play them live with computers or synths or maybe some real people. quartet.
At least Im defining some things; Ive never done that for live stuff. I was so; with no toleration. I just wasnt developed at all; I could even call myself a musician; Im not sure what id call myself; Nothing is what I called myself; unfished or un worked; that way people could ask why and I could show them that I was damaged person; I could tell the story of the negative of what happened to me. Now; Im getting as bit above that; maybe; we will see.
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THe other thing is; Im not going to be the best at any of this. Im only going to be able to learn a work ethic and really finish something well; get it solid and tight n strong. Thats kind of what Im interested in. Ive used ever excuse in the book; and now I realize it was just character. I had no strong work ethic to finish anything. COuldnt even come out of dream world to start anything; it was so bad; still is; but Im more willing now to atheist give it to my higher power source energy.
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So; when I get insecure; I turn and give it to the vortex and tell the vortex to help me and that im inside the vortex source energy God; and keep at it; meaning; keep turning toward the vortex and my inner being and keep that up; close my eyes and move forward in the right direct God wants me to move in.
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I have some ideas of what makes me feel good musically; I mean writing some stuff. So; Ill keep taking it to the universe source energy vortex; Ill get into the vortex live there where the universe creates dreams to come true. Ill keep fighting to stay in there. ANd open my arms up to God forward and just keep in connection for the next impulse direction; over n over n over until I start doing things in the real world instead of talking myself out of something. or stop doubting myself and believe. And there it is. Making it past that marker.
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nOw; Im interested in music creation. Giving self permission.
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So; Ill keep writing and rewriting what Im suppose to do; Right now; its about getting over sickness in one piece.
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Start writing scripts about what I want..
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Right now; Im sick and looking to get over being sick. The meds are knocking me out. Im looking forward to the next several days so I can get better and my back will be more back to normal I hope. I think so.
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Ambulance and ER and massive pain and....... it feels like Ive lived a new branch of my life for 6 months; only been a few weeks. So; things have been opening up.
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The key for me is to keep working with GOd and who I want to become and what I want to do. THe key is that Im going to be triggered massively from my childhood and see all the bad people pictures in my head; I have let all that stuff roll by; Work with God knowing Im a valuable person that is safe in Gods realm and kingdom. ANd that is exactly whats happening; With source energies help Im creating new independent inner thoughts and dreams about myself and what I want to do or go do with my life. Its all inside and personal between me and GOd. THis is what healthy little kids do.
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SO; God is teaching me how to come back to interests in life.
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I know my interests from my inner being; aligning with my inner being within the vortex; that special housed enclosure that holds all the vibrations and frequencies of my dreams and desires and is a safe place for me to be me.
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Im hitting my first rounds with in my head of remembering the horror of my past but having a secret knew life being developed in the here and now. In the past; I had no new life; no new nothing; I was in a state of panic and shock and fear and hatred; My life had been pulled out from underneath me. no more house; nor more neighborhood; no more future; no more nothing. I was thrown away. THe monsters that did this were monsters; psychopaths; murder'rs.
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Now; when I feel like I want to stand up for myself and try something new; I was taught to do nothing or Id be thrown away again; so being around those monsters was about being threatened by them. if I leave or dont play along with there cruelty Then I die or Im thrown away. I was in a state of shock to begin with.
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SO; allot of whats going on in my mind is challenging all that.
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It is really cool what is happening for me; its like restoration within my hopes and dreams. I still have mental illness; still dissociate and have longer term PTSD> CPTSD> still suffer from AVPD>
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But things have changed. I have control of my mind again; not the abusers as much or the PTSD as much. I mean; its because a whole new me is being created underneath all that and that's where my hopes and focus are developing. And so; a whole new me is developing underneath all this maddening stuff.
Ive got to let it develop and mature; The new me; much like Im parts of a garden and I have to be grown and let develop. Keep plant food on it and water and sun light.
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Ive got this fear; my not sure how the universe will help me face it; I dont know. Ill keep addressing this with the universe.
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ALso; Im basically alone in my quest. The people of the past wont be showing up nor will they abandoning me because they are no where to be seen; THey are gone; This is good; this is great; but the trauma bonded child in me; this is more stress and anguish.
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So; Im building a new life within my imagination; source energy is in control and my inner being. the most important work I can do is with my inner being; aligning with my inner being; learning to recognize the impulses within my vortex concerning my future.
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SO a new me is being created. I have to be patient because that part of me is just strong enough for the first round. How Ill make it through the next round; I don't know. I mean; I have allot of immaturity and things to face. Fear and loathing and hatred. I may find there's no more to hate or nothing to hate or no one to hate anymore; where are my accusers; everything is gone. I'm still here with Jesus! Everything else is nowhere; they have vanished.
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I'm beginning the process of working through my childhood a bit; slowly taking that information from my childhood and running with it. Meaning; I'm back in childhood with the understanding that Ill keep working in my imagination to take that small child through the doors of experience; once older; take him and bring him into the present into my new dreams and hopes and desires; This is very hard because I'm telling the child that its over; the past and moving into the present is something new. The child in me will have to grieve the past again and with source energy and the universe and myself; fand my inner being; all working together to keep me safe while I go through this process so I don't feel or see one more abandonment PTSD within my mind. What does this mean; its like belonging to another family; God family; and now that I belong to Gods family; I am safe regardless of what's Goin gone down on earth. I'm now making this transfer; the walking distance over the bridge of life.
I'm so used to asking the people in my head for permission for everything because I was thrown away.
SO; I'm still controlled through this torture. However,. I'm not; I'm slowly making my way to God and Gods sides of things. I have to walk through all those murder'rs from the past and some from the present; and go silently; walk through all this stuff holding Gods hands until I make it to the bridge of life; and cross over to God. And that is where the fear and pain lay; I have to work with God on this specific thing. Learning how to stay in one piece; focus on and pray to God the whole time and being in the vortex where it is safe.
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I'm now struggling to wake up and get to a whole new level; its about waking up.
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its like I've been completely emerged and asleep in another time period walking around. And I've been around my enemies. And as I wake up I see them immediately throwing knives from ever direction; filth scumbags...
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Music;
Music creation; the hardest thing. When attempting to make music; it takes me back to the tender age of childhood; where I'm going to be destroyed; I mean; it all comes back; and I'm in freeze mode and cant do anything. I need 2 parents to show up take my hands and hold me and tell me everything will be alright. SO; Ill have to go to God with that and have God bring that. Help me so I can make it across that battle field. So; Ill keep praying about this. Music is about performing; So; Ill keep working with God on this. It got to break somewhere; and when I take it all and every time to sourced energy and tell the universe to change and heal this and wake me up; at some point that's exactly what must happen and I must believe it. And there's the problem. And I'm working with the universe on this.
What it comes down to; What do I want to do during the day; do I want to create beats and play live music or; do I want to spend the rest of my life chasing parents and others that are not there. NOW; as for my parents; this had to be done and a solution; I cant or don't just walk away; because its about more then my parents. its about the development of my whole life. But it is about my parents and that's all its about; its about getting the love I never got but more then that; the safety to; to be anywhere. Safety, safety safety.
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I've been around my enemy; maybe them that has wakened me up. Ill keep at it; keep bothering God about all this until there's an answer. Ill keep working with God on this until there's an answer.
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I keep working with the universe source energy vortex and my inner being until there's an answer; I dont stop and I dont back down and I keep asking and praying for alignment. I have to meditate.
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Music seems like I dont even own it. God does let me know who my enemies are before they smash me and then I can stop doing what Im doing or what I was about to do. these filth want to take credit for everything before I do when Im the one who had earned it. So; I have to watch it and wake up to this filth scum. I have to pray and ask God to get me out of there.
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SO; its about waking up and staying present.
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Right now; music; its about creating beats and simply finishing something for the purpose of performing it live. Thats what I will work with God on. ITs O so horrific because all of this is associated with the horrors of the past.
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As I was writing; I can see the hope. I know that to break through; Gods got to rescue me and take me somewhere else being someone else. And Ill keep knocking on that door of Gods until he opens it up. The key is to keep knocking until God does something about it.
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Im trying to learn how to give back and feel safe and at the right frequency.
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Ive been blaming others because Im at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and then Im spouting off around them and getting into trouble because they are my enemies; not my friends. I want to control them; put them in there place. But it doesn't happen; they cheat. Did I not know this.
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THe deal is; God can take anything and go anywhere against anyone else. if Im not getting the benefits from God then Im not really humbling myself to God on these issues so God can bust through.
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Its about working with God to learn to trust God and give it over to God and then praying and staying out of the outcome.
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I get bent out of shape by other people; people who set me up to destroy me but for some reason I don't look at my roll in it'; I look at where I met those people and there's no way those people can be accountable for themselves nor be anywhere else then where there physically at. SO; what am I doing around them and playing the victim for.
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I have to keep writing.
This is a hard time right now trying to take control of my inner life and direction. Not be a follower lost; and Im not having to. Im not lost but I am. I am lost but I have an answer. IF I keep at this answer; I want be lost anymore; Ill arrive. In fact; thats whats been happening but Im getting ambushed.
So; keep silent and take it to God. and keep taking it to God until there is an answer.
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YHa know'; Im not done. Ive got allot of he same old things from the past to keep working on. and I started acting like they were just going to come to me; Not yet; havent earned them yet.
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SO; Iill work with GOd on that word EARN and that IM just starting. Im just starting to work with God and not AVPD everything and run off. THe word Wrong comes to mind. I may have not started yet; Im just now learning how to turn toward GOd and not away; and that may be all that has happened so far.
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