July 2025
June 2025
More on Bowing down to God
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First; Bowing down to God is number 1. Dig a bigger large area much lower then the shrine of God; and on my knees hands out; pray for help for what I want and desire and keep at it and at it and at it; over n over n over; and write stories about what I want. And keep at it… Keep at it and the world changes in front of me…. With my head down.
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I pray to God at a lower level then God…
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Writing; becoming a writer. What God is teaching me. Its just writing. Ill have to work to get a life; The life I want does not come because of an interest in story telling. I have to work with God to get a life As-is regardless of what Im doing.. So;
And\
This is not about writing; this is about working on writing. This is about learning how to work at something I want to work at. Its about working on things… its about work ethic toward my interests and thats what Im suppose to do( thats whats missing); work on what I like to do. I kind of got that scared out of me when young. So; Now Im learning with Gods help how to get my interests back; working in them; back in and work for what I want… I have to get back in and work for what I want…
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I have to get back in and work for what I want. All the avoidance and damage and pain; I want to address. And I am….
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Writing stories; learning how to write; is very interesting to me. Its important… However; its allot of hard labor and it can be tedious work to learn how to write… ( and I get nothing for it); its dry; its so very dry; its just letters being put together. And if I try to hand my identity hat All on this; Im afraid Ill be holy disappointed; hurt and let down; My life; I want to say I wont go anywhere being a writer; not go somewhere; I may learn; working on Writing did not give me the love I felt I needed and the security. However; But actually I changed my mind. I mean I still feel the same way; kind a; Writing wont get me anywhere. But I realize; that attitude is kind of a cop out; for me. Maybe not someone else at a position in their lives; but for me RIGHT NOW; Its a big big Cop out! I know better then this; I can have success if I want it; I just wont work for it… its all about that “ W” word…
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First; I will say putting all my worth into all of this; worth and Identity hat; into this; is Not what I want to do ( But it is what I want to do). I want to feel worthy( but not depend on writing for it). I want it coming from God and myself; and maybe family; A real family maybe; that I create; but not external dry hobbies and such. Im not suggesting hobbies are not good for me. I don’t want my self worth associated with how well I do something.
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I mean; I do want to put myself into what I love to work at for the only purpose of loving it; I want to have the guts to do so. That is exactly what Im working toward. Im working toward the ability to put all of me into something; Do it because I freely want to. However; This is trepidatious waters and I need God on my-side for protection. I need to feel loved before I set out to study writing. I don’t want writing to supply it; Ive been down this road before; I got destroyed depending on something that was undependable.
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I kind of said 2 important things; first; I want to learn how to stand up for myself and on my own 2 feet and not depend on something like Writing for my self worth and identity; However; what a treat to have something like Writing to help build my self worth and identity. I want an Identity regardless. I want my self worth and Identity attached first; already intact by working with God. I do not want to depend on Writing for my self worth ( story telling). I want instead; go toward God and work with God down independent pathways for self worth and identity; So; I have allot of work and allot more work to go down those pathways for identity and self worth. I have received a bit of it.
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However; Im aware that Writing and creating is great for self worth and Identity or can be; I want that identity first and that self worth first; I want those issues worked out. Going down a God pathway and really wanting it is where Ill start; Ill start with God…
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NOTE: I have to bow down to God; face God bow down and stay their over n over n over 1,000,000 times until things change. And they will; a new world will start to change in front of me as God brings me from the original place through God to a new place in front of God. From one side of the Wall that limits me to the other where Im freer to roam.
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I want to turn to God for my identity and have it in act through God.
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However; I did feel something gigantic when writing about wanting to make a commitment to writing.
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I felt the opposite at the same time. This is not bad; I still have the law or rule; However; I did feel like a problem exists that I havent been able to put my full heart out for something and give my “all” to what I like or want to do; Ive been blocked and I think I need that as well; SO; in a sense; I need the ability to put out all of me toward what I want to do; be totally committed; However; at the same time; Get my human needs met through God and human means through God; like a good family and God; and support. Get my needs met through a good family I create under God.
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So; This is what I will pray for; the re establishment of all things here. The ability to work at something I want to be part of.
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NOTE; TO Grow Up! To Have My Own Family.
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The ability to but my all into the things I believe in and want to be part of.
However; the ability to develop myself outside of these work endeavors is the goal; by working with God and family created through God; This will give me the love I seek; for love and support of myself in general; thats the idea. I don’t want to expect anything from my callings or purpose or hobbies. Sure; I want to participate in them; but I don’t want participating to be the reason I feel good about myself. I want to feel good about myself before that through God; already established through God. Trek to Yomi
because I am a decent good person and I want a family system; I want to be around the right people places and things that want me around.
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So; Im on to something.
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FAMILY;
This means Wife…
And Im working toward this on paper. Not yet in the real world accept small; very small things… ( I don’t believe yet). I see small things changing slowly: Slowly opening up: things: socially speaking.
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Im heading in the right direction under God.
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I have to bow down enough in front of God until changes occur… its that simple. Ill keep at it.
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For all things; I have to write stories of what I want as if its already happened. As if I already have it.
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As for a WIFE: NOW! I have to imagine someone that actually likes me; not someone I hve to coax into liking me; I didn’t even feel good enough for that or for anyone or anything thing!
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I have to imagine that when I ask someone to marry me; they look at me and say YES! And when they yes; they mean it; its because they think So; They decided so on their own independent of me. Im worth it and thats all on them from the start. They like me; They think Im worth it; as I am. I have to imagine this.. I have to write about this until I believe it… And of course working under Gods sovereign state.
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I realized I never really believed I was good enough to be married to anyone; that no one would want me; no one; I was never convinced otherwise. If they had the choice; its because I gave them an over amount of lies and attention; They would never really have any real feelings for me; not the real me; not any real part of me; they would never actually like me and value me and respect me from the beginning all the way to marrying me because they loved me or liked me enough… I just never believed anyone would actually see me this way; love me or like me. Not actually believe they loved me or liked me for me.
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The reason I never married anyone is for that same reason; I never trusted anyone. I just never thought anyone actually had any real feelings for me. The sad part is; maybe they did; maybe they actually wanted to marry me from the beginning; maybe they actually liked me from the very beginning. And in a state of sanity they actually valued me the whole time because they chose to; no one made them. And they chose to want to go further with me; and finally wanted to marry me if and when I asked them. Because they chose to… without it having anything to do with me. They wanted it all on their own. They liked me for me.
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I absolutely never believed this. Nothing; I could not believe someone would actually feel that way about me ever… I never felt good enough or worthy enough for that… For anyone.
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So; Ill work with God on this; and start asking God how I can feel better about myself; and Ill start writing from my imagination concerning new stories about women that actually like me on their own because they value me independently and they want to be with me independently; because they thought about it and they like the idea… ( Ill write about becoming the person under God that I have to become to meet these people; However; it all starts in my imagination); and if its the right direction; it moves in my imagination; it moves forward.
So; for someone liking me; has nothing to do with me; its all on them and their goals and desires. Im talking about women I like who Likes me… That I can actually believe that. Man O Man; that kind of self confidence is so way out there for me. Its truly beyond me; beyond where Im at but Im really thinking about the possibilities of believing this. Ill work with God on this.
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I get what I believe. And that is what I have to work on; I have the techniques and information and tools to do so. When the student is ready the teacher appears. And God has sent many teachers to me… and Im learning I hope! I pray. And I Thank all of them. Amen.
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God is working with me on all of this stuff. Thank You God. Amen.
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NOTE; I stayed to myself; I never even gave people a chance to have their own feelings. I spoke for their feelings in my mind; based on what I was thinking about them. I talked myself out of being around people based on what I told myself about what I thought they thought about me. Thus; I never ever opened up to them; I never opened up again to ever explore that area. Not until now.
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NOTE: I claimed I opened up once along time ago; but I never did. So; Ive never opened myself up or felt good about myself in this area; ever.. not once; not enough to actually believe to be in a relationship; never.
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And I should say; I never opened up that area in the first place when I was much younger; it never got opened; I was just hanging around with people and thought of them; or secretly liked them or thought about them. I never even allowed myself to like them; I didn’t bother; I never believed they would like me anyway. I never really told anyone anything; or followed through with anything…
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Here I am now; for the first time; with gathered feelings that are amounting to something; self like or love or what ever this is called; self worth; standing up for myself. Thats whats happening first. Ill continue to work with God on these things.
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So; Must let this develop and simmer and cook and mature into something. Must allow it and stay low stay cool; don’t rock the boat; just let God in for a long while and allow… stay low; stay cool stay out of trouble; stay out of sight.
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