July 2025
June 2025
Everything is fading.
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The girl up the street; The one I talk about in all my blogs; the answers are coming from God/Universe.
Here is the latest answer; she was normal; I was crazy from numerous breaks from reality from all the trauma shock PTSD terror fear of being put into new unsafe situations I had no control over; I was lied to and put into situations where I froze up; no movement. And then again sexual abuse; and that created castle like walls added to the other walls... That turned me into someone that wanted to blow up the world. I then had to move again and had no hope; no parents no real place to live anymore. Nothing. No one. Nothing' \.
And in this new place; yet another place I had to live; thats when I met this girl. And I was completely mentally ill.
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The walls I had up against my parents; all the hatred and terror and fear and anger and horror and disbelief and now complete mistrust against all things; all dreams gone; no hope. Nothing; broken...
I reacted to this girls interest in me the way I would react to my parents or anyone else that tried to get to know me or get close to me; Completely anti social.
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I got mad at this girl for not understanding; However, how was she suppose to understand anything if i never told her anything; I was a complete stranger from another life and family system; why would she have any clue who I was.
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I lied about who I was to start with; I was not myself.
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Now; this girl and others; these stories of these people from the past that I wanted to be close with or thought I was close with never existed.
THese people gave me a chance and I blew it; over n over n over by my anti social behavior; these people did not understand me nor have a clue what was going on and at some point they wrote me off and walk or ran away to get away.
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I never responded to the person; never told this person how I felt; I could not; I could not move.
I wanted help so badly; and being a teen ager at the time; All I could do was meet new people; I did not know about therapy yet or what was wrong with me. I tried reaching out. I met this girl; but she was not a therapist. I mean this literally; I literally needed a therapist; this poor girl got a psychotic who was avoidant and not present and switching in n out of numerous personalities.
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HEres the point. Now; This has opened up to a new level. This story is a classic example of severe abuse and what it does to someone over the long term.
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The problem with the girl up the street was me; and it was my behavior. If I had the ability to communicate with this person and act normally around her; but theres no way that could ever have happened; I was fare gone and still shutting down more n more as I continued to interact with the psychopathic mother and her new husband and family; and I was not wanted there. Not one person cared if I was dead or alive; nothing. and they never will again.
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This girl up the street; is just one of many confused patrons who dealt with me and gave up when they realized my behavior was schizophrenic, erratic, and more n more withdrawn and avoidant and at some point I completely betrayed the friendship I had created with this person and the trust. I ruined or destroyed everything; I went from one type of person to another.
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As much as I wanted to blame this girl for her later attitudes and treatment of me; In the time I first met her she did nothing want accept wanted a boyfriend and a friend and thought she had made a friend and wanted me as a boyfriend; and I completely ( whats the word Im looking for; completely nut't out on her completely like I was psychotic and erratic); once realizing I had broken the friendship because of my anger; or hostility; I believe she felt broken and thrown away and confused and friendless. However, later she wrote me of as a crazy person that was unsafe.
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And Im writing to much about what I think she felt and did. I never asked her and never told her anything about myself; she knows nothing; zero. But she is a perfect classic example of what my life has been like in relationships because of severe trauma. No one understands; how could they! I mean; how could any normal human being have any idea or training of this kind of thing; the problem was; I needed a friend? I needed a therapist and a long stay in a nut house.
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I hurts; it does; because of broken dreams like this. I really wanted her as a friend; I did; but nothing will ever happen with anyone if i dont give them a chance and that means opening up to them about stuff like this and about who I really am. I never responded to this person; and Im the victim?
There was no victims in this story; just a normal person and a crazy person and the normal person woke up and slowly backed away and I never saw them again and thats happened over n over.
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So; is all this bad? No!
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It means Im moving way forward. Since its become aware to me of how I treated others; the goal is to learn how to respond again and open up again and react and respond to people and communicate to people; the right people; not close down and run of and AVPD people.
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This will take work.
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Im not done with the girl up the street; still much to learn from it. God has me asking forgiveness to GOd for all the confusion Ive brought into numerous peoples lives. Never telling anyone my true motives.
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Im changing and if I practice I believe I can be in relationships again.
Im all ready opening up to people again about real world things.
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On to the next topic.
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CAR INSURANCE>
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IVe never had a car of my own; one I bought and or worked into or naturally developed in to at the right time in life. I was broken made into a trauma bond victem and then some one came along when I had learned helplessness and the insurance got paid and I drove there cars or someone bought me a used car. I didnt car; I wanted nothing from everyone; I was dead inside I cared about nothing.
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It was like I was kidnapped and the kidnappers who held me captive paid the rent and supplied the car and insurance.
I never grew up. It was like being in a prison camp of unreality.
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Having all my developmental years destroyed and neglected I was angry and felt they have been stolen from me; my life had been stolen from me by abusive monsters.
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I shut down and was in a state of despair; I did not grow nor ever care again about cars or living or relationships or anything else; nothing.
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So; I died long before someone gets a car at the right natural age and learns the money for there car and learns about car insurance. I was destroyed years before that and completely defiant.
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No one on earth cared about me if I was dead or alive or what had happened to me. I was a walking tumb. I did not care about cars or anything else in reality; I was in so much PTSD pain and rupturing.
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My nervous system was destroyed and I was held hostage; and with learned helplessness and trauma bonds I could not longer do anything for myself nor speak. Everything was dead...
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And soon I things would get much worse from the sexual harassment and abuse. I would become completely dissociated from reality and began to suffer the advance states of Dissociative disorder and CPTSD>
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TODAY:
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TOday Im excited to learn about car insurance. Im praying about it. About it being mine. Its my business and my growth when Im ready. I write affirmation's on it saying I like the feeling of looking into car insurance and the choices I have. ITs my business; it belongs to me. Its where Im starting. THe idea of a car is to overwhelming for me; all of this is for people that give a damn. Im not back to that place yet. I'm just learning how to learn how to care about anything. SO; I have allot of praying to do on this subject and writing of positive narratives on this subject until I change inside and get an honest independent desire for such things...
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ITs about growing upward and outward into a new life; and it starts with prayer and meditation and telling the God; " Gods will not mine" over n over n over " I'm sorry God for destroying your children. For give me God; help me God; God is taking care of me; God is making me safe. I love you God; your will not mine GOd. Saying this hundreds of times in prayer and praying on my knees head in the grown numerous times through out the day.
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I do allot of writing with affirmation's of new stories about the new life I want and the changes I want to make; thus learning how to earn and do the work to change my belief's about myself and other things.
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THis is my thing; no one elses; no one else gets involved; its all ran by God and me Co creating my new life. The car and insurance thing; its my thing; no one elses business. I have talked to others that God has sent; for help on all fronts concerning car and insurance and many other things about a car. Its all up to God and the right time.
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Im working on the process of getting a desire for such things and when it hits; it will show up in my imagination. ANd I will be up to speed and aligned with self, inner being and Universe; but not yet.
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Im like a 13 year old looking into this stuff for the first time. I have allot of depth to uncover for this specific act of independence.
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Many goals I have including car and insurance; regardless its all taken to God and God is the ultimate goal; connection.
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