July 2025
June 2025
For the last 2 weeks; its been torture. Ive never opened up honestly about my real present position in life as I have for the last 2 weeks; Did it again at a meeting tonight… Much more authentic…
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Tonight; I said Im from Mars; Not this planet. On mars I can be myself; On this planet Im an alien; I don’t fit in to anything or with anyone anywhere; nothing.
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Tonight working with God and a new identity; I was able to hang on and just sit in my seat and not leave; feel the anxiety and not leave; kind of; learn how to be. Learn how to be my real authentic self and just sit there as self. I lasted about 30 seconds.
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This may have been the very first time Ive been like this understand God; since young childhood. It was incredible. It also allowed me to understand something.
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First; 30 seconds is all I could last actually being myself outside my apartment in the world… That means; God has only 30 seconds of the real me to bring me my whole life Im asking for. Thus; more realistic to say; I would say Ill be working on just being myself for moments at a time with the hope those moments will string into minutes and those minutes into hours and so on. And in this protect mode out in society; me being myself. I will ask God and work with God to attract only those people and places and things that Gods sends. People and places and things that have my best interests at heart; those people who truly value me; miss me; and are compelled to want to seek me out to spend time with me because they respect me and value me and are the same kind of people and awareness under God. For they are sent by God. And no one else matters...
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Note; Treachery; treachery is of the day… Those dishonest people; 2 faced people. On the outside they make it seem like they are my friends or my kind of people; On the inside; they are not… They are simply looking to manipulate everyone for attention; using everyone because they think they are above everyone. They are very dangerous people; narcissistic but appear to be everyone's friend. These are not people to associated with or believe. And I have to remember; not to get caught up by them. Just stay silent; and stay away from them; and do not get my hopes up about them. They are liars; and not on my side and this will pan out; will be uncovered; something just wont add up right. They are attention seekers; they are not trying to be my friend.
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A good test is; Stop noticing them or talking to them or associating with them; see if they ever come back or care; I bet they wont.
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Real friends or people on my side; look up to me; and value me from the start… It means something for them to lose me. They wont want to… They will try not to… it will mean something to them.
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However; as God wants me to open up into the world; I have lots of lessons to learn right now. Its an open world with all kinds of people. Not to many people like me or care. I have to remember that. I must work with God to manifest a bigger space for more of his people to show up in my life…
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Ive watched and witnessed a few things; Maybe Ill know a friend who knows a friend who knows a friend; they know a women; who I think is pretty and says all the right things; checks all the boxes for comparability; and maybe Im stupid enough to fall for it; lately; I have been not. Its easy to want to believe; but when its not true its not true…
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Those type of people; the pretty people; they are more interested in getting attention I think; They want to say the right things and laugh and giggle and play the role of someone attractive; and I see many people fall for it; And I was well; I certainly can entertain it but I don’t. I go to God first and very quickly working with Gods laws; I know better.
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The people Im suppose to be around; Ill naturally feel right for them; They will see my sensitivity and venerability and find it attractive qualities; They are sent by God. And they will know Im different. Im unique… Meaning; My authentic self does not fit with everyone. If their not my cup a tea; I don’t want them around.
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Making the wrong decisions;
In many cases; Ill pick the pretty people and get hurt doing so; and want them as a goal or friends or girlfriends. However; I get carried away.. and start getting dreamy. When in reality; non of those people even respect anyone like me. Im a laughing stalk to them. Im nobody. And God does not put me around people who think Im Nobody; God puts me around only the best people that fit and value me. No one outside the circle exists.
So; when Im authentic and looking for those who are interested in me authentically; The people for that position are 1 n million in society or whatever God chooses. Its a fantasy pipe dream to think God has sent all these different people to be attracted and appreciative of me.
More realistically; I would say; Non of them are attracted to me; will remember me or ever cared that they met me.
The people God sends seek me out. See me as valuable.
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However; Ive noticed some of the fakey people; They will mimic me… if I say Im a broken person with anxiety and Im trapped in my own world and Ive been accepted; Suddenly I hear this same thing from others. I do not believe they are talking to me. They are not interested in me.. And never will be.
Im learning.
In the past I let a whole lot of the absolutely wrong people into my life. And I will get trampled for it.
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Instead, I need to work with God and have God deliver the right people to me. But this; only after much hard work expanding my personal territory around me. Meaning; more development being myself. More confidence in this area for the first Time..
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I may have not attracted anyone ever nor right now. What I can do is; work on getting into that space of being authentic and just meditate on it and stay present and keep working at it until I can do well; I can do it in real time; proficiently.
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What this means; it means Ive never been the super attractor of people while being my honest self; In fact; Im not sure I was ever my honest self around anyone.
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Ive never attracted anyone being my honest self. I was my honest self as a young child and never again.
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Ill have to continue to work at this and earn it; Working on being aligned and my honest self; being aligned with God; And then manifesting my desires. I have to learn how.
Keeping it authentic means genuine. Only Genuine people that sincerely care about what happens to me; only those people God will send; And must remember that; I must hang on;l Get the fantasy people out of my head; God sends the right people the realm I believe and live.
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Ive seen people who spin a tale; a story; they make it sound great to everyone around; in fact it seems to personal; it seems so familiar. If feels friendly and inviting; but its the devil calling my name; For they have no interest in having any interest in me; they are playing me and everyone else.
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If someone truly wanted to be around me; be my friend; they will.
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And if God sent them; they wouldn't just sound like someone I can relate with; they would be an authentic person to relate with.
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This is important because I haven't even had a grounding a foundation to work on before now; and its only about 30 seconds in length feeling my authentic self outside..
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I don’t know who God will be sending me. I haven't even been myself yet.
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As for the pretty people that try to sound exciting and authentic and maybe I think I got a shot with them; FORGET IT; ITS A LIE: ITS A FABRICATION; THEY WANT ATTENTION: THEY DONT CARE WHO I AM.
They will not miss me if they don’t ever see me again; they could care less; They consider themselves much better then I am; And they have no God telling them to get close to me; tell them otherwize...
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So; Im just starting; starting to be my authentic self; only for seconds can I handle it; handle it before I shut down; but atleast its happening and I understand what is happening and I am the first to understand just how much I don’t fit in anywhere with anyone one or anything thing on this planet.
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The only thing I fit in with is God and who god chooses to send my way; those that God is sending my way that are manifested for my survival. They will be people with my interests on their heart. They will miss me if they never see me again; They will want to spend time with me rather then not spend time with me; Ill mean something to them; and Ill be missed if they never see me again.
And anyone else is a fake… I have no business being around… .
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God will make me whole at this point with the work Im doing on self. And thus; I wont be so desperate to hope that the pretty people notices me; will come and sweep me off my feet and turn my life into a fantasy. I don’t have to believe this or be in dilution about this.
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God is taking care of me and Im now getting the clear picture of what is going on in my life! Im starting to get an authentic picture of what is going on. Its explains everything going back to my childhood.
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The best thing I can do is; work on being in safe spaces; meditation and prayer; and working with God on letting go and being myself a little at a time; slowly building moments into minutes into hours and into days…
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As I continue to work with God; In silent secret; Ill work out the kinds of people I want to attract and give it to God. And we will see who shows up. But thats after Im strong enough to be myself outside in the world. And that will take much work. The only people Im going to attract or even understand me; they will come from God… I cant imagine anyone else even getting it… or seeing me for my authentic self.
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No co dependency!!!
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So; I can give the world a break; it doesn’t owe me anything.. The world is from the ground; I am from up their; their in heaven with Jesus and Santa clause…
Our partner
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