Im being molded into a new person by GOd...
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This means; Im under Gods care now! Their is no past! the past is a lie! ALl of it is a lie...
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I believe in God now! Theirs a difference from believing their is a God and believing in God. I believe God. I dont think God is lying to me like I did before; Thats what all of this work has been about...
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I am being molded by God because I want to be... God is in command... God is my commander...
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I am down Gods pathway..... I am fiery clay; I am lava; I'm being molded and prodded; I'm bending and being forged this way and that way and pushed and examined and pulled this way and that way by GOd; God is preparing me like a stick... a stick to be used for cooking marshmallows... I will be of service I guess... I know... Service to God; down Gods pathways. I don't care about what the outcome looks like; because its all GOD! Theirs only 1 outcome of my interests in relationships and activities; each interest is down a Pathway; and these pathways both are of God; they are Gods pathways; So; I mean; what can only be the outcome; the only outcome can be God... some form of GOd... some substance made of the same material as God...
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The point is; I cant lose; in the end of the pathways; is GOd; at the beginning of the pathways is GOd.
What I don't have; I'm not part of any other pathways... I'm only part of 2; And God is the Master of Both! And that's all their is. I'm in those pathways; I'm comfortably sitting and God is molding me; I'm like Ice clay or Ice tea; and God is prodding me and being me and pulling me and twisting me 2 n fro and pulling on me and I'm lifted upward and pulled downward and looked and examined and slowly molded on and energy from the energy river flows over me and around me and in through me and on-top of my head and shoulders and through my chest and it has a purpose and brain of its own and its elaborating me and checking my vital signs and going through me and checking me and looking at me and sizing me up and....
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And I'm down these 2 pathways; and my future lies in the processessand fun of being in these pathways and the experiences of learning and growing and living down these pathways.... The process of being molded by God...
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Being molded by God; what will be in these pathways; what will life be; what will it be like. I will not necessarily rebel; not at all; it doesn't mean I'm not comfortable. It doesn't mean I don't feel the uneasy fear and growing pains... I'm scared to death; I feel like I'm going back in to trust the same force that either caused my death when young or shut a blind eye on me when young so others could devour and destroy me; and it is this God and power I'm giving back the reigns to my life; and I'm only doing so because this power has proven itself; and that proof is all over everything; and it must be in everything because I would never trust that higher power unless it proved itself every second and inch along the way of this journey...
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Out of desperation I found God again!
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Now; I learn to trust this dark process. I'm down these hidden caves called pathways; but they are caves of light... and they are like being outside in the sunshine... They are safe; very safe; they are as safe as can be; but with one catch; One cannot be a part of any other caves; on these caves; and that is the catch; for I am the Catch; for I was what God was trying to catch with a net the whole time; and I have now allowed God to catch me now that I see God is safe! Or is He? I don't know; we will see how God pans out!... Either way; I am safer then out in the world...
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I wont be venturing into the pathways of the world anymore; I don't need to; I was lost and alone and those icy caves were empty and of no substance...
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I am back under Gods catch... I am like a see creature in the sea and God put out a mighty net and swooped it down into the sea and caught tens of thousands of fishes and I was also caught; and we were brought to these places; these cave-ways were we now sit and spend out lives in Gods Pathways... I Was caught and I now belong to God...
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Now I get use to it! And that is where I'm at right now; its a kind of acceptance because of an alignment.
Its not easy; its still living. I mean; its all a struggle. I'm blind and everything is dark... but I can still see because I see through Gods eyes... And God is directing me.. And I will stay with that direction.
I fought very hard to be here; this has been my goal from the beginning and it is happening. Or; shocked; I find it already happened; the beginning; I mean; its not already happened; but its kind of like I got the invitation in the mail.
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Ive already been to the invitation camp; its like I was chosen and showed up at camp or the first football camp because I got the letter in the mail and I was chosen… So; there it is; this is my new home with God…
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The molding and prodding is not easy; its disturbing at best and not fun. Its not bad; but I know the outcome; because Ive settled into the outcome; and the outcome is God… God is like a specific color; like a color of shinny sun; and everything is that color; no matter what comes out at the end of the pathway; its all the same light shinny sunny color regardless because its stamped with God approval. And for me to find and be with God approval; I have to be stamped with God approval; and that is my choice; not Gods.. And that's all God has been trying to tell me all along.
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Ive had to go down a journey with Gods help to find God. My new pathways are not easy; They are me grown and spinning and churning and being scraped up against the walls as I get turned and turned and turned; Im turned like batter in my old Grandmothers frosting cake pan mix… and soon Im in the cake… Soon Im part of the cake…
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I have the answers I seek. Now; I work everyday putting God first for all things I want; I still want want I want; but this time I do all the work preparing my information for God; and then God grows me into the kind of person that will fit what I want.
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Many gaps exist between where I'm at and what I want; and I still feel the horrible feelings of abandonment triggering; the true terror and fear of such things.
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So; not all is perfect. I have allot of trust to learn about and growing again. Its not perfect; the deepest fears are being triggered. So; God; still has much to prove to me… Im just getting started.
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The difference is; Im just getting started on a much fuller trust level with God… Thats what this is all about.
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For example; I shoved mountain biking out the window; I was not interested anymore for a long time. Now suddenly God brings it all back to me.
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Im interested in taking care of my own bike. Im interested in getting it fixed up for riding and Im interested in riding again. I cant wait until its fulfilled but Im the one fixing it now. Ill be doing the work myself. Also; For any money for the bike; Ill wait upon God for that. Im pray about it; visualize it. Ill write stories about it before it gets here and stories as if Im already riding it and how much I love doing so and now full and happy it makes me… And Ill write stories of putting those new items on my bike as if Ive already got them.. and Ill see myself in my imagination; putting them on my bike; doing the mechanical work myself this time… Ill see the new tools Ill order and the new parts…
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Ill have to become up to speed for all of this to get my mountain biking back into my life; and I write about how God is helping me and helping me with managing my mountain biking. Im asking God for help and God is doing all; and that's what I have to believe. And at some point in the future; if I do these things everyday; I start to gain a kind of internal experiential position. Meaning; its a kind of maturity to get up to speed for my mountain biking again; its means I believe. And it means Im ready. And this comes from working with the universe for such things…
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I remember in the past having enough money for a new bike; I never bought one because my maturity was so out of alignment; I spent the money on 2 years of eating out Chinese food every night. I spent all the money and it didn’t make any sense… but it did; a gap of maturity and vision kept me from moving forward into any new visions of a new mountain bike; and because I could not see one clearly in my head; I never bought one. In a sense; I was immature…
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Today; I build that maturity first before I take any action. I work with God to build the maturity first to be built up for what I want to face; I become the frequency of what I want… FIRST! And then working with God; God will let me know when the universe comes into me and Im more Universe then me; and in that such space; I am ready! God is with me leading… and Im all ready and up to speed and new; Im a new person because Ive worked my way into a new way of thinking.
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12 step groups; This is why the 12 step groups are so important; they are my support groups. So far; God has not replaced them with anything else yet… I can attend all kinds several times a day if I chose for general recovery; Its not always safe and it can be dangerous sometimes; just like the internet inst safe. Anyway; its all do able tho; Im still here…
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Anyway; Its all new for me to trust God at the level Ive decided to trust him. Its new because….. I mean. Ive worked this system for a while now… the success system. Now I wont take anything less then success in my endeavors My standards of risen… but Im don’t have any experience at being at a higher standard; so im a newbie… Im really just out of the gate; I mean; I have everything to learn as I step out into this new form of experiencing or attempting to learn this new form of experiencing my life through trusting…
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So; I didn’t get out all thats deep inside… Its a start for today…
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