July 2025
June 2025
As I woke up this night from a days rest; I feel the spiritual results of my work on attempting to understand what happened to me in the situation of the girl of the past; the girl from up the street. I started to realize; the personality that liked her; “ ME” of that time; was murdered and or silenced by her. By holding on to her memory and what happened; I was holding on to the story of Me; that got silenced. It startled me because its as if I was holding onto a story where the child in me was murdered when I was a teenager; and that teenager was murder’d out of the city I was living in at the time; meaning; I had to leave at some point and never return; or I should say the experience I wanted was murdered from that city and the small child that tried to connect to that girl up the street was murdered. The whole of that experience turned horrible and I had to leave that city..
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I was silenced out of that situation.. I was silenced on several fronts. I was silenced by the school system that never helped me. I was silenced or destroyed by the family system I was living with; They did not want me and were trying to get rid of me; they never wanted me but legally and politically had to house me or they would look suspicious of there true identity. And I was murdered by the girl up the street; simply because I was naive to what was going on and that she was a murderer; she was wearing a false mask that I never saw; at first. After months of being around her and her strange behavior that I did not understand; I was finally abandon or brutally dumped… I was innocent. And my maturity level was that of an innocent boy. I was innocent and destroyed for it. I didn’t realize; I was looking for wholesome love and family in all the wrong places.
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One solution for this problem; at some point; later in the recovery process is the creation of new personal stories for my future; creating them before they happen; creating them in my imagination; “ “Wouldn't it be nice” stories. “ Wouldn't it be nice if I walking up to the right people sent from God and had great relationships that were always working out for me”. Learning how to imagine exactly what I want and am looking for; replaying those new stories in my imagination strengthening the process or pathways that allow me to take steps to these stories.. And then watch them created in the real world before. Feeling great; putting great feelings to these stories as I create them then watching them materialize in front of me. Meditation is the best place to start… Getting in touch with my inner being and allowing my inner being to be listened to for directions; For my inner being is hooked up to the universe… a giant guidance system is what this is.
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In fact; I was an innocent boy around corrupt murder’s. It did not take long for them wanting to murder me; murder everything out of me. Getting me away from them; get rid of me; for they had nothing but contempt for me; considered me a trouble maker and white trash; thought of themselves better then me… On one respect; I mean; they had families; and I was intruding on there family. That was one of the problems with getting help from someones family; its a biased situation. If I don’t get inline with those that own the house; Im devoured hated and thrown out. Its not a fair place for someone to receive help from. Its not equality. Im somewhat helpless.
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I was thinking of 12 step groups I attend; I met a young man that I talked with and gave me rides home. Later at an outside event he completely shunned me as if I was a monster; I may have looked like one; I kind of look like a street bum. I could care less right now. Im not working; so who cares.
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The point is; In the 12 step groups where there are rules; he had one face; he had no choice; he had to act decently; but after leaving the meetings; he acted like I was worthless trash. But he couldn’t show that side of himself in the meetings because we have rules in our groups; My point is; with independent rules; one cannot take over meetings and treat someone badly; they can try; but in general everyone goes by the rules and the group stays inline with itself; it makes for a kind of safe place to go. Its not perfect; but its leagues beyond personal family systems where a mother and father who own a house can decide my fait because the mother and father pay for everything; because of the economic biased toward those who own the building; they are the dictators. They decide who comes n goes. If Im not originally from that family but I have become friends with them; either I act according to there rules or Im out. If they are in power; they can change those rules; be as biased as they want and suddenly without warning; kick me out.
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NOTE: I must remember; these are private house holds that technically owe me nothing. These are not good places for equality for my hardships in life; unfortunately.
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I buried myself out of shame and fear.. I began to see or understand what they were and ran. I escaped. But I ran right into another set of murders ; meaning; Nice appearing middle class familes living in nice houses; when I came back to my home town; both groups of people I lived with were murders. Id like to say that the concept of Murder; was just spiritual; but it wasnt; it was taken way beyond this; were bodies buried somewhere; well; in a sense; later; in an altered state; sort a… I mean; these were real pure evil people wearing a front or mask.
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It is not uncommon for an abused child to reach outward to the community for help; but unfortunately; all I found who took interest in me were more families of murders. And when I say this; I mean it; In every case; they actually destroyed people enough to call it murder; and in some cases real causalities of indirect murder. Pure evil. These were middle class and upper middle class families; I happened to meet them by chance; I was so very young I got into the door. I could not duplicate such things today; I would not economically qualify to be in there neighborhoods.
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The problem was; they also spawned new murders/sociopaths; meaning there children.
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I wanted to go to war against the country and state and people and city of where I lived; but I wasnt a criminal. I wasnt a criminal murder’r; I was a victim. I was an innocent boy destroyed. I was innocent and thus I reflected this to those around me; I was like looking in a merrier for them. They saw themselves; their crimes when looking at me.. Thus; they wanted me murdered because I told there story of murder and evil; every time they looked at me. I was more then hated; my innocence; they wanted me murdered. They were all cold blooded thirsty murder’s. They were. Again; I found myself in the wrong houses of people; I had no one and I had to go somewhere!
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I was looking for people like me in all the wrong places; I was looking for victims I could relate with.
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When associating with these bad people;
In all cases; no one wanted to change… I did not fall upon anyone like myself that was trying to escape; In stead I fell into the houses of the murders over n over n over
As I mentioned before; It may sound bizarre that on every turn I a new a family system of murders; but its not that unusual for a traumatized child or young person to continue to stumble upon similar systems like the one they came from.
In many cases; as I was innocent; I thought I was innocently walking into other families of nice people for help; But suddenly realizing after I had gotten involved to deeply; I had simply found another family system of murder’s like the one I had just ran from or escaped from; families I originally escaped to; but found them no different then the ones I had come from; that I was escaping from. I was escaping; looking for other family systems to rest in or hide in or to escape to or get help from; like finding a neutral area to rest in. In the movies this might be possible; in reality; I never found it; I wondered from one house to another only to find sooner or later they were sociopaths in nice suits… that was the nature of the people in the houses that I found.
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When I was a very young child; I roamed around the neighborhood I lived in. I was proud of myself for reaching outward and finding success; unfortunately; later in life it was revealed to me that I had found nothing but similar forms of corruption I had originally came from. I found nothing innocent; I found the same form of evil in other forms. One main theme of this evil was to blame me for there evil; put the blame on me so they could hide. However, because these family systems were not my original family systems; It was easy to discard me as an intruding stranger who meant nothing to them. who was thus judged and gotten rid of and written off. I was thus judged and gotten rid of and written off.
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When I young I was looking for decent friends; I thought I had meandered into houses with decent friends; and at first it seemed I did; but later; things began to break down. However, actually in the beginning there were red flags. I never saw them or understood what they meant. The red flags indicated I was not wanted; but I never understood what that meant.
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I did not find them… Because I was so young; I was invited into there homes and played with there children; when older; those children wanted nothing to do with me; Why? Because they didn’t have to have anything to do with me; they had their own lives; But did that make me a bad person; NO! I was still an innocent decent person; In the wrong neighborhood. And these people were never my friends. I thought because I had visited them or said hello to them and talked with them when young; they were my friends; not so; just the opposite occurred; they turned out not to be my friends. And I did not know this; I know this now! Does this mean there is something wrong with me; meaning; did I do something against those people; NO! Its not against the law to be friendly and niave. Being friendly and naive and wanting to survive; thus reaching out the way I did; this is not a crime. Unfortunately; this does not mean anyone had to like me. But what I found was fare beyond my understanding at the time; that I was dealing with pure evil; pure evil from numerous directions. Sooner or later I was not wanted in any direction; it seemed evil ruled no matter what the direction; no one wanted to help me or help me succeed. No one was a decent family; no one. Evil is what they really were; Power hungry and willing to lie to get it and cover it up. Power on earth is what they were seeking… I had found myself around the wrong families or groups of people.
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I was in harms way and never knew it. I never found a decent home to land on. I did manage when young to find a few places; the first was the Minister of the applicable church. I knew his son and I would visit them; play with his son and stay over night at his house. The next were friends on the other side; the southern side of the home I lived in. On those streets I met some friends; They were more normal regular people.
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The school system was no different; evil; those running it; later they would blame me and make me into a black sheep of the school system; making me one of the bad kids; Like I was a criminal; I was hacked several times and shunned. I knew what it meant to be hacked where the other kids could here it; it meant my reputation with them was ruined. Thank God I was in the 6th grade and could leave in 6 months; but the evil in the school system tried; they blamed me because they were evil; I was not evil; I was decent; I was innocent and a crime had been committed against me by those in that school system; and they were trying to silence people like me… And The crime committed against me was from the family system I came from; they were trying to get rid of me… The school system tried to write me off as a bad kid. In the eyes of God; those in charge were bad people trying to destroy innocent traumatized children; trying to silence them or turn them into bad kids so they could destroy there reputations and get rid of them. I didn’t care anymore by the time I was in 6th grade; it didn’t matter; I was so traumatized from sexual abuse and other abuses. I had no one on my side; I had never had anyone on my side from the beginning.
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Ive found that the only thing a person like myself can do is escape and become on my own some how; However, that never happened; I was 2 destroyed and could no longer function.
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I never found actual nice people who ever came to my rescue; Maybe the Minister from the Episcopal church and his family; but that was when very young; instead it was corrupt narcissist sociopaths with masks on acting like coaches or saviors.
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I recently experienced another set of them; narcissists in large and in charge… and when finally realizing what they really were; I just walked away. At some point; if Im not going to become there followers; they will turn up the heat and make it so bad to associate with them; I have to leave. And they did. But for me; it was more symbology. I was not one of their flying monkeys; I was actual innocent person looking for help and to get better. God helped me go through experiences with them that would shine a light on who they actually were and on my naive nature to wake up. Once realizing they were just corrupt people with fake masks doing what they do best; just a couple of criminals of nature; I walked away realizing I could get no more help at that address. So; I left; and so it goes.
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NOTE: However, Ive noticed something. Im blind.. it takes a long time for me with some fake people; to recognize they are not what they appear to be; they are demons wearing Gods clothing.
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Im looking for one good Comrade!
And I realize; Im in the rescuing business again; I see someone that is nice and think Ive found a comrade; someone in the myst of things that is like me; a damaged sensitive person looking for a friend; a comrade; But in the end; Im mistaken; they are one of them; one of the evil ones with a mask; And in some cases; they think Im one of them; and evil one like them looking for an evil friend; suddenly without warning; God wakes me up and gets me out of there. Or after a long time period; and Ive gotten what I needed from those people; God wakes me up and gets me out of there.
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Today; I work with God to ease the pain of the past. I work with God to allow God to show me that with some of these fake people appearing real; they were not hurting nor needed to be resurrected or rescued; There had never been anything wrong with them; they were corrupt like there parents; there parents were evil and they were evil like them. And thus; no place for me to get involved. One might say; “ Who do I think I am getting involved in other peoples families and then judging them”. Well; It was no crime for me to reach out looking for safe havens. I guess I was a beggar; I just needed a safe place on earth to go; with a safe community; I was never accepted and I never found it. I was shunned at some point. I played the role of fool and scape goat and never even knew it.
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Generally safe Neutral ground;
God finally brought me to neutral ground with state and local counseling services and 12 step groups and privately ran or non prophet help institutions for personal counseling, group counseling or psych groups for the community to visit in.
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The truth behind help groups;
unfortunately; in almost all cases; those people who take over groups and act like bosses of the groups are fake evil narcissists or sociopaths trying to make a name for themselves; the scum rises to the top. Im a witness; very rarely have I seen any different. Its a horrible thing but no one else seems interested in taking over a position of “ Leadership”?. Its what Ive found. Evil. Take what you like and leave the rest; Im not suggesting all groups are like this; Im suggesting Ive seen what Ive seen; so buyer beware!
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I work with God today for help with my wounds. My stories of my past would have been buried if I would not have spoken out at some point. I was continually under the attack of someone trying to bury me alive… usually if not continually it was corrupt narcissistic abusers criminals disguised as responsible people in the community; murder’s of some sort; sociopaths; My problem was; I had no place to go or hide from them unless I could move upward and find my own way. But that never happened; I had no love. No one wanted me.
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But those who did not want me didn’t want me because I kept going back to them. I did not function and thus; continued to go back to the same houses full of people that did not want me or were non human.
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So; I continued to find new murderous family systems or the old ones trying to get rid of me; it was all I knew. To branch out completely on my own was asking way to much for a small child or a broken older child or bullied raped teenager with preceding mental conditions of trauma that left him destroyed and unable to function.
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Finally;
The state after examining me simply put me on social security and that was that.
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And here I am. I still attract bad people; but Im slowly learning about myself. For the nice guy that I am; Ive done nothing but attract murders all my life. And this type of syndrome is not uncommon for the abuse trauma bonded. But it sucks and makes me want to hide under my bed.
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Like so many abused victims of the psychopath; I became a substance abuser and alcohol abuser to a point of verging on drug addiction for a small allotment of time and years later alcoholic for a time; but God simply did not want me going down that pathway for to long; and after being in the nut house; the PTSD gave way; some how I found myself at a soon, later date in 12 step groups; thus the idea of using substances slowly left my life as I faithfully continued to visit those rooms; and its been a love affair ever since; they have saved my life; what can I say; However, they never gave me a new life unless I wanted one and was willing to work for one; work the spiritual materials in the room. Work with God.
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Note; Ive met people who just don’t believe in God; I don’t know what to say; Ill pray for you… But then move on; because you need to pray for yourselves I guess; reach out to the universe and ask for a relationship with the God on the universe I guess… Thats what I did… I have no answers for that; 12 step groups are based on some kind of higher power within ones life greater than themselves that they can turn to for help; desperation leads me on. As for those who do not believe in God; I don’t know! Thats not my situation so……..
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One of the biggest problems I have to today is brainwashing in several forms from the abusers; one area of brainwashing is; I wanted to meet others like myself that wanted or needed to be saved like me; others my own age; I thought I was put on this planet to love and save them; that was my purpose in life and my mission; However, completely stunned and in shock and miserably put in my place; They were fakes; they were faking it; there was nothing wrong with them; they were not in trouble. They were evil deep down inside and never said they wanted to change. I learned the hard-way after being destroyed or bitten by them to leave them be; leave them alone and go my own way; In the end; God is slowly showing me the true picture of things; that I simply walked into the wrong nests of the wrong people. No one needed my help; I needed to back out and go my own way; work with God and neutral groups like a 12 step group; learn to work on my own stuff establishing my own way and foundation in life; and with that start building my own life; something like that; and Im looking into how this is right now.
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Was I murdered; or did I murder myself or both.
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I was injured; did they do it or did I do it or both together. Or I was brainwashed and trauma bonded and did it to myself after they left.
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Did I injure myself to escape or did they injure me by not leaving me a way out or was I trauma bonded and living out a direction they always had for me; to murder myself.
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As for the girl up the street and my false best friend when young; Did they plan on murdering me. Did the girl up the street murder me.. Maybe; thats how they get rid of the remains of there crime… They bury the body; thats exactly what happened. They switch personalities back to the criminal personality; secretly they were always the criminal personality underneath; they wore a mask; a fake persona..
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What stunn'z me; I had no idea when I met them; nothing; I only saw the outside personalities; I saw nothing of who they really were; I was completely fooled and then they began to turn; turn into the vampires they really are. What really bothered me was not them; What bothered me was; How did I end up around them when all I was looking for was a decent friend; someone like myself and what I found were evil people. I had many horrible lessons to learn…
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In both cases of the girl up the street and the false friend in the neighborhood when young; they wore false masks of who they were. And or; I was in delusion about who they were. Or; I was innocent and really didn’t understand what was going on…
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My Mother;
In another aspect of things; I new what my mother was like but I had no clinical name for her; her condition; I was naïve and innocent. At some point I was finally done in; murdered several times in several directions; taking psychological spiritual mortal wounds all over my body. I was killed… destroyed.. It was like being ripped into with a knife; In some cases; these murders took extra chances physically to do me in; whether physical abandonment or to hire some one to use violence against me; to put me in the hospital… or worse. Who knows what would have happened. But bad things did happen. I was given away in a kind of legal kidnapping and raped and sexual abuse for several years… No one cared…. By this time; I was turned into someone that wanted to blow up anything that lived; kill everything….
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Here I am Now;
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I think the most important aspect of this writing tonight; the statement I made concerning of the creation of a new life; Its upon me; this is my new area; and it is a new area.
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Ive screamed out about what has happened in this life. Now; Im interested in creating a whole new life for myself. Im still controlled by the past but am I. The past still has its hooks in me; but does it; I don’t think so; I think Ive been thrown out of hell but Im still able to see the after math of red flames as shadows on the walls. Im very close but have been thrown up from hell. Ive been spat out… Im exhausted and still lonely and decrepit and alone.
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Starting a New Life;
At some point in my writings; This will be the only subject. I will continue to talk about the pain of lose of the past but Im basically through with it… Im barely capable but strong enough to put the focus on what I want and not what I came from.
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Im getting more disciplined of the interest in writing new stories about myself; new stories for a new life created and then learn to work with God and go after those lives.
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I still feel the lose inside of leaving others behind; but I never really left anyone; they lied and were never victims; the problem is brainwashing and Im still trauma bonded from the past… Im working through it.
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So; Im getting very close to focusing on and dealing with my future; creating it; closer and closer I get.
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