July 2025
June 2025
WHERE AM I..
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I would say for the first time in a long time; I start out…
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PROBLEM; Dissociative disorder
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NOTE: I can now move forward with my life in new directions; doesn’t mean I know how; Doesnt mean I know what Im doing. I don’t; But God does… And God is my eyes…
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NOTE; The past is gone
So; I am starting out… Fear and excitement/enthusiasm/responsibility/maturity needed /promise to pursue my own happiness…
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I feel like I can set goals with Gods help… God has led me to the right teachers…
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I run my desires through God and let God come up with the answers first before I take action; Imagination first.
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Im still damaged goods tho.
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I can work with God
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I DONT HAVE A PAST: I WORKED THROUGH IT… I don’t have a present outdoors; Ive never worked at it!
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I worked through the major areas of the past enough not to have a past of interest anymore…
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My life today is fairly forward in intent and focus…
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THE PROBLEM:
I have allot of problems; bumps; gaps to grind through and over; many problems to be solved down these rocky roads of my pathway.
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NOTE: Being present from dissociative disorder is one big answer…
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NOTE: Maturity makes life a lot easier…
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GOOD:
I kind of know being on my path is the right path direction in my life under God; taking everything to God first. Meditation and imagining God is with me on my journey.
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I can see myself finishing things;
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SO; I just defined it; The goal is to finish a goal and to do so in the pathway out in the real world or with a real world subject of interest; what ever that means when I discuss it with God…
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Next move is to talk to God and start making plans with God… Imagination and on paper… new narratives and stories and drawings of what I want and visualization in my imagination.
I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF;
From the beginning; No one from the past aboard; Say goodbye to co dependency
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I never knew it would be this way. I never had anyone. So; Ive had to understand Ill be doing this myself; with the help of God and recovery groups or what ever groups; I wont be alone but no one cared to develop me in my life when young. And I have to deal with that. And thats Im doing right now as I get a bit stronger to attempt something new… Ill be doing things myself…
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NOTE: That family I needed; God will bring that family to me
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WHERE IM AT NOW:
Im back at the beginning of nothing.. or Im back at the beginning. Im standing a bit from the starting line; On the section of those waiting to start…
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NOTE: I say IM BACK! Im back with dissociative disorder that keeps me from being present and feeling anything in the present( Im better tho)(APVD) Im avoidant; learning now with Gods help; How to train my brain to handle things non avoidant; No Clue. Im working on this idea with God: So God has to change this and help me if Im going to self actualize my goals.
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So; I have to learn how to do things right… I did things wrong when young; I avoided and ended up with nothing.. I ended up with failure and defeated… I was always alone. Advantage of 12 step groups; Im not alone.
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Maturity plays a huge role in so many things of development. When immature-young and no development; Im stuck and stopped; no movement; no way to move into any form of adulthood; nothing. Im suggesting Ive been a boy-man; not good; Im now learning new steps to grow under Gods care.
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WHATS NEXT FOR ME:
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1. Getting in touch with God at a more serious level and nature
2. Restoration is a goal.
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PROBLEM; I never see the outcome or me being part of it( not having the confidence to believe)(Not believing I can be successful at things) And I believe some of this has to do with me becoming responsible. I was never responsible for anything and because of this I could only go so far in life. Or; I could never get started in life.
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NOTE: I seem to be horribly afraid of failing and not having success; How I look to others; Here is an area of real fear; ego fear; status fear; pride prestige fear. Almost a stuck up personality kind of; pretentiousness. The idea of; “ I am who my Grandfather was; if he was rich; then I am of the same stalk” “ If my family has a rich name in the community; I to am someone”; so; I don’t get to have that and I have to stop lying about it or acting if I come from it in order to bounce my status higher.. I have to learn to live with God where Im at and be happy not to care what others think; One way to do this; start doing the things I love to do; do it so much; get into it so much; I don’t care what others thing regardless. Ill work with God on this; However; with AVPD: Im scared of success in any of these areas as well. So; I have allot of real trembling fear to face.
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This is the kind of negative attitude Im dealing with. And yet; I would appreciate God to help me overcome all of this so I can be successful at something. Be successful. I think success means; if I don’t hit the mark the first time; Ive got to learn how to fall and get up and keep going… I cant act like a spoiled little boy. I mean; I don’t want to right now; I don’t have to. Im not cutting on those who are broken and poor and have nothing and don’t care anymore about life. I understand. Thats not what Im trying to convey hear. Im trying to learn how to survive and do things independently and make it; inner independently.
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RELATIONSHIPS; I did attempt when young to Vett a women as a wife; It failed. I failed to understand she was the wrong person. I failed to understand that one cannot vette a young women who does not like me and is not attracted to me; This does not work; in most cases; it does not end well. And it ended even worse for me… I failed to acquire any wisdom and thus blind and stupid; I failed miserably. A whip to the back of a fool…. As the Bible says… I have allot of scars on my back; let me tel ya… And I still didn’t learn.. Thus; God will have to take me to the bottom of the barrel to seep around in the tar for awhile until I was ready to get help!
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DATING AND WOMEN: NEW DATA FROM THE UNIVERSE
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PROBLEM:
What if you have no family or friends; nobody on your side. Well; Then; you end up like I did; Lost and confused and destroyed; and I would end up with girls who were pretty but within themselves; No value; no souls. Or such a low valued person it would be horrendous to associate with them for numerous reasons… And I would be clueless of this until it was 2 late. Im not cutting into them; Im just saying; they were the wrong people for me; the absolute wrong people. Is that their fault; No; Its mine! Its my responsibility to work with the universe to allow the universe to help me gather by what ever means the right people and places and things for my success. I did not do that. I randomly went into the world blind and well; I ended up with allot of blind people.
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None of these people did I develop any real friendships with while I new them. Their personality were devoid…
In all cases; I was affronted so much; I finally got rid of them. In almost all cased; I don’t remember even any real form of conversation and the ones I actually talked to; nothing beyond such shallow bantering as; “ the chairs are in the wrong place”. I mean; nothing personal of any kind; just kind of nothing… No interpersonal speech… No educational intellect; Well No! They were just damaged people who didn’t want to do anything about their damage; I don’t know; and I don’t care… My interest is up the tree top to the better apples at the top; Gods orders.
Instead of blaming the women I dated; it would better to say;
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1. Why did I go out with them in the first place
2. What was I looking for?
3. did I get to know them first
4. why didn’t I just walk away or break up with them quick…
5. Why would I think I would know what they were like on the inside.
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And the list goes on n on.
I just assumed I was dealing with quality people.
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The final question is; “ Why would I think I was dealing with quality people when I had done nothing to investigate whom I was dealing with” They were not quality people…
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So; what did I have in common with these people; did anyone check?
Were they safe
What kind of families did they come from
where they in any kind of recovery process wanting to fix any trauma
What kind of values did they have…
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I blamed everyone else for the people I dated.
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And finally; Did I take any responsibility for who I dated; NO! No one was taking any responsibility for who I was dating; and who I wasnt dating…
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And
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Was anyone taking any responsibility for the kind of people that were right for me to date; NO! No one! No one was taking any responsibility; Nothing! No one was taking any responsibility for anything. I was deaf-in-the-head stupid dumb young ignorant and blind… Non of this had to be this way. Non of this because of my actual physical age. This had to do with loneliness and being thrown away when young. I was reeling from the horror of being completely abandon and other things.
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WHAT DOES THIS MEAN:
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This means; I was blindly picking anyone off the street to date; having no idea of anything about them; Nothing. And; I never really dated anyone; I just kind of went out with them assuming they would be my girlfriend… Well; I dated them. But it always went nowhere.. I never established any relationship with them when they were around me; They were the wrong people to associate with. I went out with some for months; some for years. I tried vetting some for months and it would go into more then a year or 2; but it was ridiculous and I was the last to know. I went out with numerous girls I don’t remember; I hardly remember what we did or didn’t do. I was never present and I went out with people who did not care about me. And I just coudnt understand what was wrong with this situation.
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In the end I get crucified. And in some cases where Im young enough and Im trying to vette a wife; Ill get completely destroyed simply because Im Vetting a low quality person… The wrong person.
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NOTE: I Vetting the wrong person; Not their fault! My fault! They owe me nothing. Next time; I work with God to Vette someone who is actually attracted to me and at my league level. Nothing is more important then knowing my league and working with God to bring someone into my league level. Hey; The girl can look up to me all she wants; but she has to start out at my league level; she must! Never Never Never go after anyone of a higher level league; it is very dangerous; Those women look down on me; have no respect; have contempt and no attraction; Those people are repulsed by me after a short amount of time; if not from the beginning. And people who are repulsed from me don’t care if Im swinging by the neck from a rope tied to a tree branch; they just don’t!
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And this brings this to its conclusion. I was always dating low quality people that looked good on the outside or appeared to have some kind of middle class-ness about them. I just assumed they were nice people because; Well; all the TV shows had nice girls in them… Nice people in them.
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I ended up with very low quality people ( on the inside) and I will pay for my association with them.
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Today; I understand that Im working with God for a much Higher valued person to Vette; meaning; becoming friends with a women; make friends with her; best friends and marriage… High value;
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NOTE; When I say BEST FRIENDS with a women; Look? How can I say this. Its a kind of different kind of best friend then it is with a male friend I would play drums in a rock band with. Its different. The girl will and can be my Best friend. But the 2 species are different men/women. So; Its not quite the same.. but it is; but its not; She is still women and How do I say this?………… Done!
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What does Hi value mean to someone like me; ( What would God tell me) THEY ARE NICE! Thats what it means… SWEET AND NICE>
I want someone educated who can communicate at a deep deep level about many subjects; meaning; someone who wants to… who loves to; just like I do! Does this mean formal education; I assume but not always I guess… I don’t know…
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The point is; I never asked these questions when young.
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WHEN I WAS YOUNG; I would find someone that I thought was sensitive and feminine and responded to me. I thought this meant they were psychology majors within themselves and wanted to talk psychology… If they didn’t; I thought; I would help them become a decent person; WRONG! I just wanted nice decent people around me… Thats not whom ended up around me; and I blamed them for that. God let me know; it was my fault for whom I choose to be around. Next time work with God… let God bring the right people around; And I needed to get right with God.
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They were low quality. I was destroyed by ever putting any of myself out around these type of monstrous people.
I didn’t even know such people existed when really young. Meaning; I certainly would never find them or be around them; and yet; thats all I was attracting; I was attracting nothing of any internal quality…
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I was absolutely stunned and shocked.
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What Ive learned; The quality of a human being has to be at my level( I want to feel safe) if that means they are the top 30% fruit on the apple tree and its only at the top; Better get a ladder because I don’t have a choice; anything lower wont work for me.
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So; I have to look upward on the apple tree closer to top for what Im looking for and I can take nothing else. No low quality people… it wont work for dating. I can be in a room full of everyone… No problem… But for up close and personal dating; Ive got to learn how to take responsibility for who I want to associate with.
And in my past; No one was taking any responsibility for anything in my life.
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GOD AND WOMEN
I thought someone was going to save me when I was young;
I thought automatically someone was going to save me when I was young; I thought all women were going to save and I save them.
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NOTE: And maybe they would save me; if I had brought this to God and thus was surrounded by decent people; I was not. Im sure decent people in the original church would have saved me. However; I would have had to take it to God and work with God… And thus aligned with God; God would have brought me the right people; I would have saved them; they would have saved me… Ill talk to God about this; amen!
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NOTE: So Im talking about a specific kind of valued people; And I assume if I had found those people and those were my cultural surrounding; then; Yes; maybe I could saved and they save me. But thats not who I was around.
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I assumed God would just kind of send me women; I thought the universe would send me the right people automatically; why! Because thats what I always saw in the movies.. I truly thought everyone was like the movies I watched.
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GOD;
Did I actually ask God to send me people under God that God approved of for me; NO! Nothing! And thats what I ended up with. I ended up with no name people who had no interest in working with me or taking any interest in the actual development of a relationship with me ( very confusing) the best I got was humiliated and lied to; and manipulated and their selfish interest in themselves as if I wasn't there…
Im not used to setting standards for anything; whether I like this or not; I must pick the 30% of the apples from the top of the tree; No more bottom dwelling and getting the rotten apples from the bottom branches of the tree. I hate looking at things like this; but what it represents is the kind of human beings Im dealing with; The bottom branches represent humans that are of low quality being human; meaning; they don’t care much about anything simply because they are shallow with no souls. They are not decent people and its their own fault. They are more criminal like; not victims of abuse; they are liars like Judas Iscariot in the Bible who betrayed Jesus Christ. Dont worry; they are not alone; there are plenty of this quality of person; they have plenty of options in life; but I should not be one of them. Christ has made it clear that I am to find a way through Gods teaching and learning and help to get to the top of the tree to pic my apples; For that is where I belong… its safer; thus; I listen to God… and cry out to God and work with God and listen to God. Amen.
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WHAT ABOUT MONEY OR OCCUPATION OR MAJOR IN A COLLEGE: WHAT ABOUT HOBBIES: A HOUSE: A CAR>>>>
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I had no belief anymore in society and no standards… I was totally dissociated from those things. I got nowhere but then my mind was filled with nothing; it was completely numb.
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I had no thought of or desire for anything in society; Money, cars, houses; women, education, jobs, careers, occupations, vacations; marriage, family; Nothing.
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I just wanted to die!
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Things are different now!
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