July 2025
June 2025
Where do I connect in the outside world; its frustrating; However, what do I see in my mind; I see the area of where the molesters lived that destroyed me when young; ages 9-13. I see the step father I was forced to live with in order to get away from being molested. I had to live at their house... yet another house. stunted growth. and I can feel the work that needs to be done here.
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So; in my mind; where do I need to be to get this things started; to over come the trauma memories and bring in new ones; I suppose I have to grieve the trauma memories and re live them; and exposure therapy and PTSD work and....... Ill talk to God about what comes next; Im not sure. Im trying to come back to reality and be and feel safe; its all to much for me right now; all of those past memories are red hot. Not good; they have not be re lived yet; I have not exposed them in safe places to get relief; EMDR would help I suppose... Its all very hard work. I need for want new memories to take the old memories place.... Ill pray to God about process all of this out; starting at the beginning of when I left my original home and working through it I guess. That first years of horror in 5th grade; thats going to be hard to look at; my head started swimming as I was being dismantled and destroyed; everything was being torn down by the evil of the psychopath.. Murders is what they are; the lowest of the lowest monsters. Unbelievable monsters. Cant even begin to talk about it; and maybe thats the path to take because they are still controlling me within my imagination and nervous system; it may be dealing with the memories of the psychopaths that are blocking me up; I dont know yet; I suppose;. I mean; im seeing the molester and his wife... And that is over running me; short circuiting me right now; over trauma; horrible. its taking me over... I can hardly stay present. All of this has to be looked into; and I saw my best friends house; How that will dissolve because I wont be living their anymore. All to much for me and yet I have to deal with it; and where will I live after I am forced to leave those placed; no clue and Im just a child being put through this horror. My mind goes completely blank and it went completely dissociative; no more resemblance of reality; nothing.
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So; I have allot to work through; the last memories of being a child in house on a street in a small town with friends and a life and a future; and then suddenly its being completely over turned and dissolved in front of me; Im being destroyed by a psychopath who is enjoying the dismantling of other human beings... and my mind and nervous system go out on me from the beginning of it; Its like Ive been taken hostage.... and Im being murdered.
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So; I have allot of things to work through; Ill have to come back down to earth to be apart of some of these things to work through them; right now; im seeing my old house; my original family house I thought was brought to me for me when I was a child; and I believe God did this for me; but it was taken away because the psychopath is looking for human things to take away from the human victim. So; Ill start their; and see where God takes me on all of this; I just want to move through these blocks so I can get moving in my present life... I hate being stuck; I just want to move forward.
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So; who are my clan; where is my tribe; when will God supply the ability for me to find them; attract them; seek them; bind with them; meet them. Who are they really; where are they... What will it take to meet such people; and mean; are they in the mountains hiding in a secret village; What does my inner being tell me to do.... maybe its time for that...
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If I write about what I want out of my life; Im afraid it will be more hiding and a few personal relationships and millions of dollars...
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Looking back over the years of my life; Im still alone but Ive gotten better; but its like Ive been hidden in a cave and no one knows me or wants to know me. Ill have to work with God on this; I dont know what else to do about it...
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I want this all to be over; I want to learn what I was suppose to learn and not be insecure anymore where I have to be around people I dont want to be around anymore; ive putt'n up with allot of stuff from people in order to get the recovery Ive gotten; I've allowed tremendous amounts of being walked over in the name of a higher purpose. Im not interested in that anymore. I just want my real intended life back; to come back to the present worked out from the past. I dont want to go to new places as an adult child lost where others have to take care of me or take advantage of me... Something more must exist out here. something?
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Im in the middle of this change. It takes so long. So; Im working with the universe to speed things up so I can become up to speed in the right direction.
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I dont belong anywhere it seems. If I open my mouth Im taken advantage of; Im not treated with respect; Im not treated period. I get tired of it. Where can or will I go where my people exist. What do I have to become to be within or apart of them. These Are things I continually ask God. I mean; this life experience has been meaningless; ive gotten nothing out of it; nothing to show for it; nothing. Ive been on a mindless journey; thats about it; a journey to replenish what was not suppose to be stolen from me in the first place. Ive never had any real friends or family; nothing. Ill pray about it; non of this makes any sense. Im an intelligent person; means nothing it seems. Completely alone.
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The women Ive dealt with are worthless. I dont know what to do about it. I dont get it. I dont know what im looking for. Nice people... People that treat me with respect. Well; the people in FB clubs dealing with trauma are nice people. But not where I live; I mean in the town I live in; I dont know anyone; thats the problem. I dont know if I ever will. Well; thats not true; im thinking of a women right now I know; she nice; shes married. but shes nice. She treats me with respect I think. Its not perfect.
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Ill work with God on what I want.
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So; Im working on one relationship from the past; rebuilding it and changing it in my imagination. Im going to work through it until it appears functional.
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