July 2025
June 2025
As I advance a bit in the neighborhood
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Im saying hello to almost everyone I can while on my bike; Ive only had about 2 people not respond; and even in that; it was a kind of; well; thats their defense; I get it. My opinion on that; one does not know who or what they are. Im just taking my color of it…
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Yes; I had one women roll her eyes at me like; “ OLD MAN” Stop staring at me… someone I just kind of walked by in the store… However; if I had preemptively put my hand up in friends gesture and said hi; it may have gone differently. I would have said hi before she knew what happened.
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So; in general Im opening up to allot of people around… especially on my bike.
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Another interesting thing; I was picking up a piece of garbage from a parking lot; I do this randomly one piece at a time at times; its an act of kindness… Some kid come out emptying a garbage can; saw me; I saw he rode up to him put the garbage in the garbage can; he looked at me and said; Thanks I appreciate you picking up some garbage in the parking lot.
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Why is this important.
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1. He said this to me; “ I appreciate you”
2. Next; I would ask myself the question; How could I have future friends or girlfriends; how could I get them to say that about me. That they appreciate me; Well; I would have to do something for them; some act of kindness toward them.. something free. A gift of niceness. Ill work with God on this… Amen. Being kind… authentically; unconditional. Like unconditional love.
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Back to the subject;
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WOMEN; And Dating and girlfriends.
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When I was young; I had a girl I liked; I got around her flirted with her; but could go no further. Maybe it was her; maybe it was me. Maybe I sensed I was being used. Meaning; she could get better and wanted better; but I was the only one available at that moment; So; Im better then nothing; thats how it felt. To Bad; I was better then anyone she ever met. What I didn’t realize was; she didn’t care because I was never on her raider wont work; its a waist of time. I have to work with God and my inner being to attract someone that appreciates me; wanting to be around me.
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Back to the story.
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The point about that girl; she wanted to fool around with me or get close to me; she wanted me to ask her out. I couldn’t or wouldn't. But another girl at that time; I had no problem getting physically close with at a party. But when I thought about that girl up the street; I couldn’t. In the end I stopped associating with her. I didn’t trust her… but I loved her….
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Lets look at this from the perspective that; I could touch someone that didn’t really mean anything to me; but I could not touch someone when it was offered from someone I was in love.
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Next problem; I never told that person I liked; I never told them this problem; so they might work with me and help me. I wont know what they actually would have done.
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So; I gave up trying to go after women I thought where in my worth range because they all seem to think they were much much better then me; or could get better. They simply never saw my worth.
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Example of being looked past or looked over and discarded.
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One time; I had a wallet full a cash. I wanted to buy an expensive bike. I walked into a local bike shop; They did not take me seriously; I didn’t look like someone from the elite college crowd. I looked like a ruffian from the streets with bikes for jumping off roof tops…
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I was not liked and not taken seriously. However; I have enough money on me to buy one of their very expensive bikes; something they would have to order. It never got that far; they never really cared to even notice me certainly to work with me. I ended up buying a bike out of state…
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I was not noticed or valued or appreciated. I had all the money they were looking for; still; they just looked me over and passed on me…
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So; here was a situation where I asked these people at the bike shop; “ I want to buy a bike”; they didn’t take me seriously; They were judging a book by its cover; I would say; that instead of saying they had a problem; I could see someone saying to me; Maybe I had the problem for ever being in that bike shop in the first place. And that may be something I really need to here; as it applies not only to bike shops but my life in general and those I hang out with or places Ive gone where I was not treated right.
Certainly God has told me. “ When you stop trying to date bad people or hang out with people who do not appreciate me; all of this will stop”.
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The key is to;
1. work with God to find the people that appreciate me.
2. Understand to let the universe help me to get to a higher frequency of people; people with more sensitivity and decency.
3. Stop trying to go to lower forms of life and change them; helping them build their potential; Leave them be; they never said they were struggling or had a problem or wanted to change. They never said anything was wrong with them; its like trying to turn a Tarantula into a butterfly; I wont happen.
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Maybe I could not talk to these women I liked because they were the wrong women to like; And if that be the case; God would have never sent them to me. I sent myself (off on) (off on) (off on) that course of folly!
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However; I thought from God came to me. I was just a regular no one; sensitive kid in school. Introvert and the head cheerleader of the school ends up liking me… and allows me to basically have her or wants me as a boyfriend. Hmmm?
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I thought to myself; This girl originally wanted the top quarter back in the school; He would have been in 9th grade at the time. He looked and dressed like he was 40 year old man; and how can this happen; Simple; Privilege! I don’t think he wanted her… But they were made for each other; mean; that kind of scenario. Thats what girls like that want…
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But then I stopped and thought; In all reality; How in the world did I ever end up with someone of that league in the school; I don’t get it… I mean; I really don’t get it. Its so out of the ordinary; unless I count in God…
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Gods love energy coming through me…
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God said this to me. “ I never told you to leave her” “ And she never said to leave her”.
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I just didn’t believe a girl like that liked me; I just couldn’t believe it.
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I may never know; but I am learning to trust God…
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But I have to trust God all the way through….
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Ill have to work with God on what this is and what it feels like to trust God all the way through….
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I suddenly see a car; and following God all the way through with a car…
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Unfortunately; the girls I meet are corrupt; but they are the right style and type of girl but from the wrong contaminated pool.
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Im so afraid of going to lake with the right kind of fish only to find out; Im not accepted as enough or the right kind of fisherman. That is my greatest fear; And I just thought about it; one of my 12 step group fellowships deals with fears; I never really thought about it; I have terror and fear because of my past background; but if its fear ruling me; what would happen if I knew the outcomes but was not afraid of them; They couldn’t hurt me and they mean nothing.
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What if I some how no longer cared about a no answer from people. It didn’t affect me personally.
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Ill need help from Women. So; Ill need the right kind of women who wants to understand and wants to help…
Ill pray about it.
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I have generally 2 type of women these days around me; and one third kind.
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1. Asian women
2. Quaker women
3. Old flames; or people that liked me I never went out with…
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Those seem to be the women showing up or I notice when Im out. These are women I believe the universe is sending for attraction; or they are what Im thinking about in my quantum leap.
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Ive not let women in or; not learned how to receive them; or Ive been attracting aspect of women but from the wrong groups. I end up getting played to death… faked out; ghosted. It leaves me in confusion. And this scares me; I think no one really wants me out in the real world. It makes me question my value to others in dating or romance or significant others; having girlfriends.
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Maybe theirs a good chance I cant get a girlfriend because No one finds me attractive or wants me… I mean; I am old… So…. I could just be fooling myself completely; Those are the kinds of real thoughts that go through my head; and they are not unfounded.
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However; according to success based thinking processes; I am to create on paper what Im looking for then imagine I already have it on a daily basis. I am to write stories all in my favor of scenes of what I want in the end… Imagine Im with my wife and kids on a sofa playing together in my house looking out the window at my car… that kind of thing.
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So; I have to learn how to return to thinking big about what I want and believing… This is a start; its all so very hard… all of this.
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Things Ive noticed;
Suddenly a car has appeared of interest…
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And information about my First Love has appeared; Something from the universe; My first love actually didn’t do anything to me; I simply would not follow through. I did love her; but I refused to help her or go any further with her because? Of what others would think… or what my parents would think. Or that I had no parents on my side to show her off to; No one cared. So lost hope and never cared anymore…
What was given to my by the universe; that I let what others think get in the way of me being with her or staying with her. Her behavior; maybe I didn’t like it; but I still loved her. I was worried about what others would think; I was a puppet they were controlling.
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Now; Im desperately asking God for immediate help so I wont judge people out of my life that he sends me to.
I claim she was a sociopath I worked with and their was no hope; But that is not true. I never worked with her; and I never worked with God and then worked with her. Nothing!
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I did not pray all the time for her and what I was suppose to do with her; Or how to help her… I don’t know that she wouldn't have been influenced by me.
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I just couldn’t tell her I was a loser. I did not have a way out. I did not have God to talk to or a team of people or support to work with . And I never talked to God about it…
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However; to me it seems clear; I ended up at her house for a reason; their was a bizarre strange reason for me ending up at her house. It wasn't bizarre; it was God. For some reason I couldn’t handle it; what was expected of me. . Amen…
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And now; I take that to God… And ask the same questions. Amen.
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As for a Car God; what is expected of me. Can I handle this car inner being. Q; Inner being; do you know what is going on here; is this a good direction or idea for me; This car God; and inner being; Amen…
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I will not jump on this car until God gives the absolute go ahead… if Im even suppose to have one. One rule is; God has to come up with the money.
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Ill talk to God about this Amen
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It does feel right tho… Amen. It feels perfect. Im not used to doing things that feel right; Amen. Im to scared; I take my fear to God; please help me to pray God to remove fear; amen… and only seek your direction and the strength to meet my problems as you would have me; Amen.
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My complaint about my first love was; is; She didn’t really like me. Or want me. I never believed it; but she never actually got rid of me… I never understood this.
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And God said to me; That is why she stayed your imaginative First Love; and not your first girlfriend. I never took the chance and found out. God never stopped me and told me not to; And never did she… And never did the honest part of me… It was the other side of me… The side that shuns responsability... or the heavy wait of a thing I would have to carry if in a relationship.. I shunned the whole idea... and dropped out... mental illness is involved.
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