August 2025
July 2025
Anxiety Disorder…
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Making my own decisions for my very-berry life. Not their yet; but starting to head into it. Its like walking down a shallow stream; A few feet deep at places and that's it; or 12 inches deep at times… slowly making my way up the stream; or bigger creek. Suddenly I begin to feel different; the mood of the sky atmosphere seems different; different chemicals that change the color of things; Just a little. I looking up the creek; on flat wood’n pallets; slowly floating by; are many if not all the things I would be interested in for my future life. In a sense Im slowly walking right into my new life and all those things that make this new life; are suddenly all around me… They are just slowly floating by.
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BUILDING MY OWN LIFE:
Ive worked hard on moving forward; This being done by working many 4th steps in step work in 12 step groups. And many more techniques for eliminating resentments.. Lots and lots and massive amount of work. And the results while working with God; finally; a clear world beyond coming into the clearing; a very strange feeling; its like no past; no parents; no one influencing me on what direction to go within my life. Theirs only one person and one God running my life; Me and God… And Nothing else; and Im feeling it. Im starting to feel the reality. Im not missing anything by learning how to take steps forward without my past; meaning those who I gave value to control and direct my life in the past; only to find out they didn’t care about my life or throwing it away…. throwing me away; They had no value for me; My friendship meant nothing to them; and I never knew!
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Im slowly moving into this new space; slightly… Its still rupturing and scary; PTSD/CPTSD… AVPD… Memories of a stolen destroyed existance ; heartbroken; stripped of my childhood and my identity memories and life; completely; No one cared…
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So; its not easy; but things are changing… When I think of taking steps forward; I really feel the positive safe aspects of it. Its like Ive earned the right to move forward and I have permission; almost as if I am privileged and safe; Im here now; much more then before. All earned; not perfect; Im still paranoid, freaked out disconnected; anxiety walls; dissociative AVPD. However; something of a Godly surety is occurring. Something that has taken the place of the past.. Something with the feeling of simply stepping out from the past into a new present; a simple short journey; safe cozy journey feeling; Maybe because of all the pre inner work that has been done; all the new experience and experiences. Either way; What I asked of God so many years ago is coming true… A real pathway bridge between my original life and starting over after that old life was destroyed; A very strong smooth bridge of strength safety and security has been created.. engineered…
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Its about God taking over; Jesus; God; Holy spiritus, Universe; Gods Angels; all protecting me, working with me; looking after me. But it was God…
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God is looking after me and supplying what I really needed…
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God has created a safety realm from my original house as a boy; And looking back; from that house;
i leave the house and I across a trek to the other side of the street; and from their I continue to walk until Im here now… From another angle; from my original house where I was 8-9 years old; I simply stepped outside; walked across the street to where Im at “ Here Now”. Its not complete but its a smooth bridge from one side to the other; Im not fully present. I have a long long way to go; but the initial process has been created and is working. As in the Old Star Trek shows; “ Beam Me Up Scotty”. From the space ship to the ground of the planet or back to the space ship; beam me up; crossing the divide.
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ANXIETY DISORDER;
This seems to be whats stopped me from any relationships I might have taken an interest in or any career or schooling development or activities… My mind, nervous system, and body shut down Then completely dissociated from reality; forcing me to drop out from society; I did not know what else I could do; it just kind of was automatic.
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FIRST LOVE: Altho I believe Ive proven This person was not attracted to me and I was of no interest to them; no offered friendship from them. THey had no real interest in my friendship; I would only know them for an instant.
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From my side of the Street;
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THE GREAT ANXIETY WAVE:
Now I remember! I took a few steps forward of curiosity and interest toward this person and suddenly a 200 foot wave of Anxiety a mile deep crept up in front of me and completely dismantled me. I couldn’t move. And I could not go any further. I believe this giant wall of anxiety; thick powerful anxiety wall kept me from my good; it also kept me for ever getting hurt anymore. And it would not allow me to move… I could go no further with any type of relationship interest or activity. It was like being tapped in circle in the middle of a raging fire; I would not get hurt in the circle; but the circle was in the middle of the fire....
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As for First love;
This anxiety wall stopped me long before she did. I was finished before I started; and this truly is what destroyed any possibilities with that future; with going any further with her. And I had no answers for it; no solutions; I was helpless; THis ANxiety wall!
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When meeting new people like “ First Love” when young; One must remember; They know little to nothing about me; they have no history on me; Nothing. They haven't a clue what is going on. I showed up a few times at their house and then suddenly went blank. I could go no further with them; and finally I just withdrew from them for ever. I imagine this person didn’t even know I liked them; Not really… I think they thought I was an immature weakling; Regardless it makes no difference and doesn’t matter because that situation was completely doomed and over before it started; and that was the end of that. However; with enough research and work…It was the mental illness causing the problems... Not the girl... regardless if the girl liked me or not!
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Who's to blame for my shortend short lived experience with this girl;
At first it looks like its the girls fault and then its her families fault; and then its societies fault, then its Gods fault; then its my fault in numerous explored various ways.
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And then the universe finally opens up the last remaining truth of why no real relationship ever got started between me and this girl; Its Mental Illness… Something no one could do anything about. Mental illness literally has ruined my entire life; for, it would never let me out of its cage. I could never go beyond its 4 walls.
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However; with severe mantel illness; this brought on addictions for relief… And from that; after hitting the skids of life; This ended me up in the therapists office for the mental illnesses and to the 12 step groups for addictions and how to work the 12 step programs for a new way of living. So; now I have God and seeking more n more recovery to come back out into the real world again…
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The past; the door to the past is not shut; but I don’t have any reason to look down that corridor… Nothing there.
The last remaining interest or heart felt awareness was my first true love. However; God told me several years ago; I would receive the ability to work through my resentments concerning that person and thus the goal would be; After enough work the universe would continuously open up the truth about that situation and once the truth was accepted; suddenly I could move on. Its not over yet; my journey discovering what happened their; but it is. Ive gotten as far as the realization that it was over before it was started because of mental illness. And that is something she did not have control over or me. In a sense; she was very much a stranger I really never got a chance to spend much time with or develop any kind of friendship or any other type of interactions. I was mentally ill when I met her and getting progressively worse. I could not talk or express anything beyond the first few days I met her; that was as far as I got before I started shutting down. I didn’t realize; after shutting down I would never be present again. And I very quickly started to escape and run away and finally broken heart’d; I just left. I was not functioning.. And I did not know what to do about it. This person was basically no better then a stranger; I could not go any further with the person then kind of physically showing up a few times… I finally just started disappearing; and finally gone. Looking back; their was nothing there… and that's hard to say; but actually from their point of view; I hardly existed and then Im gone. They didn’t really notice… I did…
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I remember when that wall went up while I was up at her house; and that was the beginning of the end for me; When the that wall was trying to protect me; Protect me from all the triggering of all that I went through in the past… it would have been triggered if in an intimacy with someone; and because of that; that wall shut me down and that was the end of that; it shut me down before anything could ever happen further then just a “ Hello; hows the weather” “ Goodbye”… And Im gone.
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Allot of what Ive written about FIRST LOVE; Was from my view point; my deep feeling of interest. Not the other persons. The other person; the Object of my interest; didn’t even know me. She met me a few times but that was it… All my feelings were from a distance.. I kept them all to myself. I really ever got near her…
She was a popular girl and I had no chance with her… It was a fluke I actually got a chance to meet her… But then I shut down and left minutes after… and in a real sense; I never returned.
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I did have those deep feelings toward the fantasy of her. I didn’t really know her… talked with her a few times; that was all.
I meant nothing to her!! She was not interested me in. I was just a stranger… really. She did not know I existed…
And so it goes…
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I became delusional about the whole thing as I got sicker and sicker from mental illness. And finally in the end; God allowed me to see it was mental illness the whole time that had caused all the problems; I kept shutting down on everything; I could not move. And finally I withdrew from life totally broken and not able to sustain reality. I could not function; I could not function in any work related world or any kind of relationships.
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I could not stand how others had no understanding of life or things or condition; certainly the conditions I was suffering from. No one cared and no one seemed to understand; Nothing. I was truly hopeless…
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Nothing worked out for me in the world; ever! I had no choice but to drop out of everything; meaning I never got started in anything ever.
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And I can clearly see that " area" " the area I dropped into? drop out space; were I was shut out from ever getting started. And in most cases; most people I knew knew nothing about me; Nothing. Surely I was judged in o so many terrible ways; always about my lack of character. Later I realized these people were never my friends… And I did not know this. In fact it was dissociative disorder; the blindness of it; that kept me going to the wrong people; I could not seem to read people… I just saw what I wanted to see so I could get my needs met. In the end Ill be destroyed by every one of them I meet… I was thrown away discarded or quietly let go… With the message of; “ Dont come back”.
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No career ever! Nothing! Just more n more severity of mental illness…
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So; its sad; but I give those people I met for such short time periods; I give them a break because mental illness shut me out and down from ever knowing them; long before they ever decided to… No one ever knew me… I was shut down person… I was a ghost; and then I was a ghost who left! And finally a ghost who left and never returned.
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Now; I have the possibility like never before; to even conceive the idea of the right to pursue happiness.
As I work closer and closer with God; more positive things continue to happen and more possibilities.
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THE PAST:
The past is not over yet; but more n more its just clean up!
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The future is in Gods hands and Im learning to put God first before my decisions I act on; I talk to God first and let God drive the bus; I go to the back seat and stay out of it. The key is; the more decisions or interests or goals; I want them in Gods kingdom first. So I tell God and wait; work with God down God Pathways and take no other lesser lower road ever. It filters through God and then answer start to show up when I meditate or pray…
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I have about 13 different prayers; some from the Bible; Many from the Big book of AA… And others from other areas ( ill pray them in the morning; in the day and at night; all having to do with all things human; anywhere from Sex to dealing with troubled people to having money or success. How do I stay open with God on all these subjects; I pray first for guidance from God; whether it be a Wife or dealing with a Witch. Or maybe; I think the Witch is cute and I want her as my Wife; and is that a good idea?; Ill ask God for help with this; What direction to go; What does God want me to do here; and Ill wait for Gods answers and Ill keep talking to God and praying and writing stories as if God has already answered me… So; Im working with God all day long.
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