July 2025
June 2025
As reality slowly takes place……
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As I slowly fit into reality… Im getting better…. Am I!
I have got’n better; a bit stronger but Ive also been able to stand out in reality and deal with present reality a bit.
Ive been mentioning; Its like Ive lived in a tent on the outside of the city. Suddenly with years of work in the recovery area; Suddenly a solid walkway of concrete; very short; maybe 3-6 feet; extends from the inside of my tent to the outside world; its a smoothed over solid walkway from my tent to the outside world; and then once completely outside the walkway stops; Its stops on solid grounding dirt… Earth… Im right outside; Im outside completely; right outside the tent standing on this walkway that led from the inside of the tent; but Im completely outside the Tent; Thus, to start a new life if I so work with God to do so… For the runway Im standing connecting the old with the new has been built from years of hard labor; year after year after year of intense recovery work; Recovery work existing of numerous hidden sub framed strong holds developed; different theories studied and development; emplacements; Hundreds of smaller well defined emplacements; reworked constructs and solid mounting bridging joints; All mathematically supporting a real world spiritual structure; a structure no more then 3-6 feet long and 2 ½ feet wide and maybe 6-7 inches deep; an appearance of a side walk made of white concrete that extends from inside the door way of my tent to the outside of the tent; some 3-4 feet outside the tent… big enough for me to stand on completely outside the tent but safety on the sidewalk plank created. That 6 foot walkway was created through my imagination with Gods help; its 10 years of intense forms of theoretical spirituality and success based thinking processes tested in the real world all forming into a walk way that takes me from inside the tent; a tent that represents my old life into a walk way that extends well beyond the tent; outside the tent; extending long enough to make it independently and completely outside into the new world; into the present world; as one stands on it. Connects the old to the new possibilities in a solid smooth runway from inside the tent to the outside world.
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And so it is; and so it has been created! I can smoothly walk from my past life right into my present life in the outside world; safety with surety. However; The sidewalk stops right outside the tent; what does that mean; it means; I start; I begin to talk to God and create new stories for my new life… and begins; Im creating desires/dreams for my future; a future for the present in reality.
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The point is; the walkway allows me to be outside; to go outside….. But thats its; its a smooth walkway; making the transition smooth… altho its a difficult transition. However; the buck stops their. It goes no further. If I want an outside life; Ill have to work with the universe God; to create it from that point onward…
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And thats where Im at. I can always go back into the tent where I live; However; I can also go outside the tent and continue to dream and manifest with Gods help the next steps forward for my new life.
NOTHING IS FREE:
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Its all stressful hard work; so much unknown; and Im the one responsible for creating it; However; God Universe Holy Spiritus Sunny Jesus and Gods Angels are all on my-side; They are my team… I use the laws of attraction and concepts based on; Think And Grow Rich/ Napoleon Hill; The Book. Im co creating my life with Jesus… Son of God Universal… 12 step group support
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FIRST LOVE;
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NOTE; The real problem with First Love; I LOST HER! Chances are; God brought her to me as my best friend and wife. And I through the opportunity away and she was gone; never to return. And thats what all this grieving and writing is about; I cant get her back; she is gone and I loved her and as I write about her; Im even shocked at how parallel she was to me; In every area; she was my best friend; perfect in all areas; there is not an area she is not. I do not believe she would have left me if I married her; I loved and adored her to much for that…
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This is what happened; when I was in my adolescence and in great misery and distress and fear… I prayed out to God for help from the voice of an innocent child. I needed someone to love me and that I could love. I had no one. And later in my teen years; FIRST LOVE will show up. She was perfect for me in all directions. The problem was; I didn’t have a working relationship with God… And all things will come to a stop before they start.
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Its possible she was a dry run; that more FIRST LOVES existed but I did not understand and I buried my life and went away. It does no good to have met FIRST LOVE: I would never be able to respond to her either way. But this could lead me back to God. And when brought back to God; all things are possible.
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Now; The work is to move forward with God that God can created another FIRST LOVE for me; This time allowing me and teaching me how to follow through. And their it is. The major problem is the grief and loss of someone that seemed so perfect for me; and I lost her and I never get her back or get to ever see her again. Anyway; All of this is also Taken to God. So; Ill be working on making the switch from the original First Love to a new First Love.
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NOTE: Next time the universe sends a women for me; Just marry her!
NOTE; The first Note is the most important; for the universe has opened up the truth
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I fell in love with someone who did not fall in love with me nor love me! It wasnt their fault; Now; Im scrambling to work with God to get rid of these feelings that have no place on earth or in the universe unless directed toward someone new under the care of the universe. These are ill begotten feelings for the wrong person. The person did no wrong here. She simply had no interest in me; nothing. I brought all of this on to myself. I created a mess I cant get out of. No one made me fall in love with someone; and no one made me fall in love with the wrong person; someone who didn’t love me to start with and had no desire or attraction for me; However, is who I focused my attention on; For what reason; I do not know yet. I was under the guise this was my best friend sent from God( this was not an act of successful planning). They never claimed to like me and never showed any interest or movement on their own toward me. What I did I did for my own reasons and it backfired ( It backfired like an Atomic Bomb); I found myself ousted and alone. Ill be working with God on how to get out of this mess and hopefully allow God to bring me the right people for being in love with someone. This women being the wrong women; its not their fault… They played little to nothing to do with this… This was all on my own doing. Next time; ill go through God and work with God. Now; The goal is to continue to get this barge to slow down to a halt and turn it back up the direction it was sailing from and start. Ill work with God to get the proper life and support I need to live this life; it wont come from fake bi-standards; people who really shouldn’t be in my life or my personal space…
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NOTE: I was not invited into the space of this individual; I invited myself. Someone else actually invited me into their house. Regardless; I should have known better; I should have known it all meant nothing; and it should have meant nothing I should have left immediately. No one Invited me to talk to these people in this house; I should have left and gone home. In fact; inviting me into this home was wrong. IT was all wrong.
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Am I finally waking up????
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If I was lonely; I needed to talk to God. And work with God and stay within my lines… Amen.
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NOTE: Those who shouldn’t be in my life; thats my responsibility to look into; to get on my knees to God and work with God concerning; And to get them out. IF Im alone or lonely and want people in my life; I work with God and keep my standards high; I don’t drop them. I don’t mindlessly walk out into the dark forests and look for strangers I know nothing about. Its that kind of fantasy nonsense displaced that got me into trouble in the first place…
NOTE: The biggest problem here is not taking any responsibility for my life or my actions; its this area I have to wake up from Dissociative disorder if I can; wake up from the PTSD CPTSD Anxiety disorder if I can; to wake up from AVPD if I can; And other problems. I found myself around people that didn’t like me nor want me nor respect me. I just couldn’t seem to understand this.
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ME BEING DUMB; Why I was so dumb concerning this; I don’t know. No excuse for it. Their is non. Its cost me thousands of hours time and life experiences.
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Im trying to wake up from it. I will; Ill work with God. In a sense this was my enemy. Im a guy who’s on one side while others are on another side… I have a strong side of right and wrong. Im afraid I entangled myself with others who did not! They were the wrong people to entangle with. And I cant have my cake and eat it to! I think that was the temptation. And I have to work with God to get over this false temptation. Im not sure why I allowed myself to be seduced; Arrogance and narcissistic character flaws I assume… The person was probably just trying to be nice until they could get rid of me. Why didn’t I just take the message; whats the big deal. Why did I think someone owed me something; a stranger.
I really took it hard with this failed; this friendship failed. I took it personally instead of getting on my knees working with God talking to God about moving on to new people to learn how to have a friendship that works… I didn’t do that. Thats hard for me now; However; Ill work with God on it. Im afraid Im one of those guys that altho I feel Im sensitive intelligent person; life didn’t give me any favors in this area; I have to work for my relationships every inch. And maybe thats whats coming down the next pike. Ill have to decide who ( under God) I want relationships with.. and under God learn to work toward them; One inch at a time; no one owes me anything. Some of those relationships may work and many may fail; I cant take any of this personally. Ive got to let the past go! And it is I think. Im trying to shake it off. Ill get their. Im extremely entitled on this subject concerning the past; arrogant and narcissistic. And these type of character flaws did not help me when trying to learn how to reach out to the public for help. Its really bad concerning this situation and the past. I have a real entitlement problem; Like someone owed me a relationship and someone owed me their admiration and attention. I wanted them to look up to me and love me. The problem is; How dumb can I be; as dumb as a stump I guess. Why would I be so slothful as to think some stranger who Ive never seen before will automatically align themselves with me concerning this…
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I have this idea; I had this idea; Im worth it; Im just as good as you are; you should like me. Well; Im sorry Ive been through bad things; but strangers don’t know me nor owe me anything. I better work with God on a whole other front and start over. Im trying to change my own brain and wake up. It might be possible.
In this one subject with this one person; it was morally wrong of me; it was illegal in a sense; It was Wrong! I crossed lines into someone else’s property where I was not invited; and that is the end of that…. Turn around and go home!
Go back to a God Pathway and start over under God. Use God this time and trust God and work with God completely and pull out of this past nonsense. I cant do things illegally; meaning against the universe. Or against the rules of people in society. Just because I get invited to your house to mow the lawn; that does not mean Im invited into your house to live and be friends with you; you never invited me to be friends; you invited me to mow the lawn. Or; I showed up with someone else as a helper to the person who was mowing the lawn. There are rules in society!
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How could I fall for this. I am slowly slowly slowly waking up to this. Slowly; so slowly but it is happening… The goal is to get back into reality and alignment; and when it comes to relationships; Ill have to work under God to earn mine in my new way of life under God. Ive been learning how to earn other things one inch at a time. Ill learn how to earn relationships at the bottom level ground level starting at the ground floor moving upward.. Ill have to earn every bit every inch. So be it… iT does hurt. All of this. Lots of ego here. So; I have allot to learn but I can do this one inch at a time… Ive done it under God with other issues Ill use the same thing here…
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The problem; I have to get rid of these misplaced feelings for the wrong person because God can take me in a neutral position; bring about a turn; allow me to meet new people; people set up by God for me to love that actually love me back or love me to start with.
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My Job Is Now; To work with the universe to re arranged my thinking and past prospects; wake up; pull back my feelings; they were miss guided hit the wrong target; bring them back in; work with God to heal up more; and then under the power of the universe; this time Down a God Pathway; and within Gods vortex where I will slide into… I will be surrounded by God; From their Ill work with ideas of future wife and or Girlfriend to start with under God; Brought by God made out of God energy…
I have no self esteem. How could I; I was destroyed when young; and no experience at anything.
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NOTE: The most important aspect; Ive been trying in the past and am trying to create relationships with worthless rotten people. And Ill get what I pay for. I; in some kind of dream decided to meet rotten dangerous people with little to no conscious. My goal was to save them so they would love me.. How did it work. Well; they lied to me conned me; allowed me to believe what ever I wanted to believe; and then robbed me in one form or another; And thats all that happened. As for relationships with some of these people; They had no value for me; nothing. They were not attracted to me and saw no value; Saw no value in me; nothing; and how could they ever. In other incidence; They thought they could get better then me. I never had a chance. And it was brutal; they could care less. They would talk me up allowing me to believe I had a chance with them when I never had a chance with them; they would play me long enough to believe I was getting somewhere then suddenly pull the rug out from under me.
Does this sound like friends? I doubt it. These people were not my friends! They saw no value in me…
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The Final question is; “ Why am I hanging around these level of scum on the lowest rung of the apple tree. Im a valuable Apple that is sensitive and sits on the higher levels of the Apple tree. Whether I like it or not; Im going to have to meet other Apples at the same level that Im at; the upper portion of the Apple tree; better get the ladder out and start climbing.
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Ive always been afraid of meeting Apples at the higher up levels of the Apple tree; I didn’t want to get spit on by Apples that thought they were better then me. However; after all the the horrible problems with the Apples at the lower end of the tree… Nothing is left for me but the higher end of the apple tree. Ill talk to God about this.
I have to start working with God to meet better people… it is hard… but Ill start visualizing them; creating new narrative stories about them as if Ive already met them.
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For better or worse; with God large and in charge; and Gods directions; I have basically finished this process of knowing and discovering concerning what happened with First Love when young. Unfortunately no matter what direction I turn with this; it appears I was just of no real interest to this person when I was hoping I would be; I just wasn't. I wasn't good enough. She was 2 faced and stuck-up and She could get better looking people with a much better future then me. She was Ivy league I was bowling league; And thus; I never had a chance with her; You win some you lose some. The problem is the way I introduced myself to her and the way I exit from her life. In my mind; I tried to make her or mold her into the girl next door. She was the most important part of my life when I met her; .. She did not feel that way about me; She never claimed to have any relationships with me. She never claimed to be interested in me. For some reason I just could not handle that let-down of being let go… thrown away; Dismissed; walked over; sided; or thrown from the carriage thrown onto the cold cement floor of a early 18 eighteenth century cobble stoned English street-spire!
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In many cases; I had created a fictitious altered reality concerning this person; I created it with the WRONG person! This was not the type of person to create this false narrative reality with; this altered fictitious delusion.
It wont go well for me! No one will be feeling sorry for me. Ill have my acquaintance status dumped on my face and dismissed as just an acquaintance-onlooker- passerby before I knew what happens… I was not her boyfriend; I was nothing; a ghost stranger; She would never admit or suggest any such reference to knowing me! My fantasy said; “potential could create her into a girlfriend of mine”; That was truly fictitious thinking on my part. She never offered such opportunities. Instead; I had to lie to myself that such opportunities existed; I did this out of desperation.
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The reality was; She was actually not a very nice person; and certainly not a type I would be associating with; or her with me. She found no love for me in her soul; she thought little of me if anything. And was not the type of find people like me attractive. I was considered a ghost and a nowhere person to someone like this; She thought herself light years higher up on the totem pole and extremely better then me. As I remember it; she had little conscious and less curiosity for people like me; she saw me as a loser and a weakling; she had nothing but contempt for me.
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1. I feel it strange I would be in such a state of mental health issues that I would even consider such a person as someone to associate with; but to seek or consider an actual friendship?; Someone would think I was insane or crazy or socially so disjointed from reality; Schizophrenic/ and or full severe dissociative disorder and many other disorders…
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NOTE:
When taking another look at first Love…
And as I take another form of inventory for my present and future of the new kinds of people I want to meet; I want a best friend; I will make a list of qualities I want…
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First Love; The perfect best friend;
I realize FIRST LOVE seems to be perfect in every form. Im talking about how I got along with her… How I felt around her. How much I loved being with her and doing things with her…
One problem was selling myself to here. I can pray about that; I could feel the pull of giving way my identity to her. I notice this as I write this. The long list I look at for a new best friend girlfriend. I make that list and FIRST LOVE is all of those things; However; there is a problem;
Its as if first love is going through the motions of these things. Im taking it all in as she was the perfect person for me; Did God actually send her to me and I was wrong about her! .
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How did she feel about me? Different then I felt about her I guess!
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Im not so sure she felt that way about me. Did I hit all of her boxes? I don’t think so.. I don’t think I hit any of her boxes; Nothing. But I could still marry her based on my interest in her. I gave her so very much emotional focus and attention she melted the whole time; For this reason she would have married me. Is that what God wanted; Did God even want me with this person. She never really left me; I left her physically. The problem was; I would have been in misery without her; but she could care less if she ever saw me again; it meant nothing to her; she would just move on. I meant nothing to her but I could have married her!
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In addition; The other side of things; later; the strange pathology; she seemed sociopath like… She did not seem to care about human things at some point. No heart.
Its very possible she had interests in another kind of boy at the time or young man. I was not it. I was nothing to her; literally; I was not the kind of person she wanted. So; we were in parallel; I kept showing up and feeling everything was fine; However; she became less and less interested in me because I was never what she was looking for in the first place; and finally we started going in opposite directions.
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NOTE: I am always suppose to go in God direction, or getting to a place of God Pathway...And finding my way through meditation’l work to the Vortex of God; that center area of the tornado… that is calm. God representing the energy of the universe; Tornado. I find myself in the center in meditation; Thus God surrounding me; I being in the center of God; surrounded; I ask God or imagine through imagination and feeling what I truly want and Thus; Gods energies finding my thoughts and desires; God bringing them to me… And opening up pathways to it and Opening up the requirements of what I have to become to match its frequency in the real world; The things I want; Pathways opening up for that… amen. So; I go to God first. If I had gone to God first; would I have ever met First Love; Does it Matter; Could God have not brought other First Loves… And I must learn to trust God and work with God…
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NOTE: I would say; that means I go back to God and work in the God Pathway; Vortex of God for what I was looking for and have much closer connection to God for what I want.. Not relying on
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Resentments;
As I wake up and pray and work on these resentments from the past; it show Im trying to lie… Ive not created any social bonds with anyone and yet I want some kind of social status and credit. However; trying to steal it from this girl backfired; it never worked and I was dumped as a distant relic acquaintance. I meant little to nothing to this person who had no interest in me and thought nothing about me. After being let go; I was completely erased easily from her color palette of life importance…
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WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN? This means I had no social life and I was desperate but I didn’t turn to God or learn how to have any faith; or turn to God to get any. What did I do? I swindled and I lied. I lied about others maybe having an interest in me when I never earned the right to do so. I was certainly saying allot about things when never earning anything. I claimed to have relationship or potential for relationships when that never existed; I lied; I made it up so I could try to be somebody to fit into socially; it created the illusion of status; but it backfired quickly; I was found out and thus discarded and told to get lost and to not come back.
I was imagining I was making friends; simply because I saw someone and was introduced. Just because someone introduced me to someone doesnt mean they want to be my friend… it doesn’t mean we are friends; it doesn’t mean anything.. They may never think about me for the remainder of their lives. Did I talk to God about them: No!
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Why would I ever think about them ever again…
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I have to go to God for all things; and go to God first; have a relationship with God. Would God e; or decent people. Ive been highly irresponsible; almost completely mentally ill and delusional concerning this; and no wonder horror has followed me. Ive made horrible decisions for my life concerning who Ive met. I should have been shielding myself or hiding from these people; Not attempting to make them into any form of nice person. Ive hung around the worst scum out on the planet and payed for it. Have I learned my lesson. I was trying to take this scum and make them into gentle nice people who were miss led misfits with not enough love. In reality; most were spoiled shallow people with no problems who never claimed to have problems. I was the miss fit for ever associating with these people in the first place; by doing so; I was stripped of my manhood; stripped of my self respect and dignity and value. One would stop and think “ Why am I doing this to myself”?. Its not anyone elses fault.
I wanted something for nothing. I thought I could get a free ride and it backfired. I was a cheap opportunist looking for a free ride. Instead of a free ride; I took a free fall onto the hard ground of humiliation down below…
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Mental illness plays a great deal into all of these bad people I was associating with; I was dissociated from reality and not present but still so desperate and lonely. Its not hard to admit all this; that I havent been home mentally.
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I have a Payee for my money. I wish I had a executive-friendship-creator-adviser; Someone who checks my friendships from the start putting them through the checklist making sure Im sane when meeting people; so I can meet the right people and not dangerous people to my health.
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Its as if I was meeting people like the sexual abusers who harassed and abused me or someone like my mother and father who abandon me all my life. Or people like different bullies I dealt with in my life. I kept meeting more bad people to re created the bad people who hurt me in the first place or who destroyed me; Im just repeating it over n over again.
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Hopefully I can get a grip; Start working with God; get into that God vortex and let God bring the right people through Gods shielding and filtering; Gods high level of value frequencies; bringing people of high level of decency.
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I truly believe I was finding trouble people; bad people to rescue…. However; it turns out they were not troubled people; they were initially just bad spoiled shallow people; with very little conscious. And I would end up having everything turned on me and I would end up a victim of being criminalized.
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MEETING BETTER PEOPLE:
(Its time; time I ask God for better people). Getting around bad people is getting around wrong people. Its never worked… They have one out I don’t; Im a law abiding citizen; and thats left me handicapped around these scum. I believe in God; that has left me in handicap around these type of filth… I spent some of my time trying save some for my own benefit; After I save them; I will get into relationships with them. I was sadly mistaken. It never happened; they weren’t interested. I was just being played or fooled from the beginning. I left worse then when I entered.
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