July 2025
June 2025
I suffer from an Anxiety Disorder and Dissociative Disorder; severe… Im on a disability!
.
.
.
I took all my voting stuff and through it out. I just didn’t care… I just wanted to be left alone. However; a few days ago; I prayed and Sunny Jesus told me to go vote; So I made some calls and ended up at the court house; a court house full of guards and people… and voter clerks; over worked…
.
It was quite interesting.
.
I saw this couple in line in front of me on the second floor where I wait to enter the voting office for ; Re registration; I looked at him; I looked at her; And I thought; so this is how the real world looks out in the real world. Ive been hidden.
.
I thought; Why am I not with a women… I mean; I realized; I had to be around women and people and then meet someone; and then talk to them and open up to them. Im socialy disabled. Im socially disabled; Its like being super weakened socially and super super shy; so much so; Im almost not able to be present… and that fits very closely. And how would I describe myself to the average person…
.
Ive been to slaughtered.
.
The point is; Im blind; I have eyes and they consume from internal; but the rest of me internally also creates things and people and places in my head… and I see that before I see the outside world. I cant see the outside world; PTSD long term...
.
My Point is; Im like blind.. Im disabled legally from a blindness not much different then an actual blind person…
I cant see; Im dissociated all the time and I have no strength around people; its like Ive been accosted to many times. Im not here and I have no strength... Im not just not attractive or noticed by people; Ive been hated and non attractive… Ive been un wanted or with no understanding… Nothing; No one finds me interesting; Nothing…. I mean in general its been this way all my life…
.
Im to week to be present…
.
.
As I was in line at the court house to get my voter situation taken care of; I realized all the social ive missed… Ive missed all of it all my life.
.
I had ideas when very young; but no support by anyone; no one cared. This stopped me.
.
Now; in my much later life… Im legally elderly now… or will be in a few days; Im just now waking up to things… Well; Im just now able... Ive been awake for a while...
.
And Its better then never!
.
The point is; I can really see the disability problems… Im not fit to be alone with other people. Im 2 weak to be present… I mean. I really needed others on my side… And I have to work with God on that… That means Im disabled; who did I think I am. Im like way off the mark of reality.
.
Ive been like a guy who thinks he can get any women; when in reality everyone around me is waiting for me to actually show up with one women. Its like fantasy to reality; I mean; this needs to come first and will be the next thing Im working with with God.
.
I have to completely change who I associate with as I get better... Im still weak tho but a little more mentally sobor from a battered life...
.
So…..
.
Its just that I can see it so well. All of it…
.
.
.
.
RELATIONSHIPS FROM THE PAST:
.
NO WAY; I was going after people who were normal regular people; and I was doing this with this dissociative disorder… And theirs no way; I had to leave; because it was like being Blind and expecting strangers to understand… And that is ridiculous; they didn’t even care; they had no compassion for me or my problems; nothing! Ive seen this numerous times… and In given up and side lined as a weakling and weird.. non of these types will ever be on myside; never happened.
.
Ive seen this so much that; Im starting to believe the people Im suppose to be around are sensitive to my problems.
.
Ive literally been around the wrong people all my life; people that did not have the sensitivity or values for a person in my situation. Its not even personal.
.
I didn’t realize; “ hey; Im disabled!” and most people don’t understand and don’t care; simply because they are of a different life unlike mine.
.
.
The people I need to be around are people who have a soft spot for broken people who do not function in society; those who are more compassionate to these kinds of problems.
.
I am extremely sensitive person who also has no protection in society; I don’t really have anyone on my side; I don’t have a giant mansion full of money and highir’d soldiers and lawyers to protect me .
.
I mean; Im in my own world. Always have been.
.
At the court house;
It was interesting; when I walked in and talked to the voter registration clerk; I told her I just kind of through all my voter stuff out… And I was wondering if I could just start over; I told her talked to someone the day before from her office and here I am… Am I in the right place?
.
So; I was able to work through things and vote…
.
But; thats what I do; I go into monk mode and throw everything away and just hide away…
.
Im realizing; what I was and am looking for in others is understanding of my disabled abilities… Someone who understands the problems I have. But; No one does….
.
But then; Ive never gone to people that were sensitive to this kind of thing…
.
I have to work with God on this; Im special; in society in way. And Im not kidding. I mean; Im unique… Meaning Im not really unique; Im under a set of problems that make me unique…
.
What this means; not everyone understands… Nor should they; What Im dealing with is special; in the sense; only sensitive people apply.
.
However; its up to me to work with God on meeting sensitive people.
.
I mean; much more then just sensitive people; but the right kind of deep sensitive people at my wave length..
.
That eliminates a whole lot of people.
.
What this all means; Im not much or even known… Im just kind of a silent person… hidden. And most don’t know me or care… .
.
Its like being a silent ghost in society…
.
So; Im starting to accept it; Im not noticed much in society; people like me…
.
To except people to suddenly just appear that are understanding; that is crazy; and more then crazy.
.
So; What I understand is; to find regular people and expect them to appreciate and understand; that is crazy… They will not… They don’t… they don’t even see me; they just get rid of me and laugh about me behind my back and to others. They make me out to be a weakling and treat me as a second class citizen.
.
So; Those are not the kind of people to associate with; I need to be around special people that understand… And so Im working on that….
.
I will talk to God about this….
I will work with God on this….
.
Im not unique to anyone; no one sees me in the first place nor are they suppose to. My disability stuff is extremely private and I have no idea who is sensitive to my type of person as I am… I know many people are not…
.
I do not know who would be sensitive to sensitive people like me… I do not know; Ill have to work with God on that…
.
I live in my own quite world of dissociation. Expecting safety in the world or expecting anything from the massive wrong group of people in the world is crazy. Im learning…
.
I have to work with God on this… And stay with God…
.
.
In the past; In the past I tried to meet people I wanted to like me. I didn’t work; never worked; they were never sensitive to me or my type of uniqueness. I simply was of no interest to this type of general person. They didn’t care about me; I meant nothing to them…
.
Unfortunately Ive never met 2 many people that were kind to my situation…
.
So; the idea of finding people has been ridiculous and insane. And its time I understand this.
.
When I desprately when out into the real world and looked for people; I got people who took advantage of me… Thats all I really found. I found people suckering me; playing me; sociopaths lying to me and then taking me for what I was worth; Thats all I found; those were the doors that opened to me in such a friendly fashion. It was never actually nice people… I was lied to; manipulated without ever knowing what was going on; Those with no conscious.
.
So
.
When I have this idea of meeting people; Its crazy; Im never attracting great people. And I may never. Ive never attracted anyone..
.
The idea of that is insane….
.
Ive attracted no one…
.
know one knows the inner me… or what is right or wrong…
.
Ive made massive mistakes with the people Ive associated with; non of them were on my side; they were thieves and liars and sociopaths who were faking it; trying to appear like normal people when I first met them. They saw me as a sucker… . In all cases I realized it through God and got out of there. In some cases broken heart’d and confused.
.
.
So; Here I am a disabled person who needs to protect himself from most in the world and focus on God bringing the right people into my life… Ill work with God on this…
.
Its not easy…
.
But Im grateful and learning to accept everything… Im to quite and reserved and introspective intelligent, introverted, and socially disabled
.
I have to work with God to stay away from the popular people. I mean; I have to let go… and let God just allow me to be myself…. And meet the right people God wants me to meet… Under God working with God.
.
At-least Im getting it…
.
.
So; when I was younger; I tried to meet sensitive kind people; I tried to make them into sensitive kind people. But it all backfired; They were never sensitive kind people or even my friends; they were opportunists… Thats all they were; nothing more…. Just fakes… but they were never my friends because they were never friends of anyone.
.
I had fallen into the wrong kind of people thinking they were sensitive to me and my situation; in fact they ended up allot like my mother and father; who never wanted me liked me or ever cared if they ever met me or ever saw me ever again; they used me when I was young and were gone… I had no relationship with them; Nothing… And then they were dead from old age…. Nothing; zero; Nothing human; because they were not human.
.
The fakes friends I made were not human either; how could I have made those mistakes; I suppose out of desperation…
.
Today I understand this… I understand how easy it is to fall into this trap… Today I work with God on this stuff…
.
So; I go through God first…
.
And the most important thing now Im learning; most people do not want me or understand me. I am only for the few and God must pick them out and direct me to them. I must stay out of it…
.
I don’t want to find more sociopaths play acting as kind people only to rope me in where I get used and thrown away and never even know what is happening; Im already socially disabled; socially blind and weak…
So; I must work with God and special others and stay safe and talk to God about this… amen… .
.
Im learning… .
.
Ill learn to go to God first amen!
And working with God… And thats the next level and not thinking Im so much; like I got it going on. I don’t have anything going on… I really don’t. I have nothing going on only God… I pray to God…
.
I don’t know…..
.
Im heading into a new area; or back into being myself again… thats closer to what is happening now….
.
So; I have to work with God and get over myself; thinking I have some kind of interest or influence over anyone.
.
.
So; Im working with God to become myself again; a quiet introvert that has no interest in anyone else… meaning; popularity or how I look to others; I don’t care; Ill keep working with God on this; and do my best under God of what God wants me to do… Ill turn to God for this amen.
.
.
So; whats the next; Becoming myself and going in the right direction of my life….
.
And just being myself and doing what Im intended to do… What Im suppose to do…. And thats where Im talking to God…. And Ill keep working with God on all of this….
.
Im looking forward to giving the people of the past a break because I was looking for people who wanted to help; And non of the people I sought out could even be close to someone that could ever even know what was going on in my life; Theirs no way; they just were not the type; most people arnt.
I was like someone with a fake leg or amputated leg or someone blind; I would need to be around those that understand or wanted to be sensitive to all things dealing with those with disabilities… And who or where would I find those people.
.
And why would I think I would find them anywhere or in general population; that doesn’t make any sense…
.
.
It really doesn’t make any sense….
.
So; Ill be working on what God wants from me; its about being right with God; inline with God… And not anything else; and their it is…
.
.
.
.
So; If I take away the 2 fake friends of my past; one lasted for years; the other a few months but with just as much meaning; As for some stupid reason I decided not to check if I should trust the person; I just allowed myself; that was a mistake I wont make again; I was taken advantage of right from the beginning...
If they are both gone; their is no one... I had no idea I was so alone... completely alone...
.
But I was... I was laying in bed looking up at the cieling thinking about it; just thinking about it; completely alone.... Ive never had anyone... Nothing...
.
These 2 people were the wrong type of people to associate with; so they were never really my friends; Its hard to say this but; it wasnt their fault. I approached them; not the other way around.
.
They were never anyone. I mean; complete strangers who had no value for me; they didnt have the ability; That does not take them off the hook of manipulating others the way they did; meaning me. IT just suggests; Whats my role in it; Why would I go out of my way for absolutely nothing; because thats what I gained by knowing them; Nothing... zero; Nothing their; nothing. I was just used and played; doesnt really make any sense... But I did it; So I have to look at my own behavior... and ask why?
.
Whats most important; without them; I was completely alone all my life.. Thats even more freaky to me... No One... And I had all that potential and sensitivity and value; Just doesnt make sense.
.
Well; Im always talking to God so.... Ill continue to talk to God about it... and work through things.
.
The goal now is to become myself.
.
If I want to become a mathmatician ; go become one. If I want to become a performing composer; go become one; keep working at it...
.
I have many things I want to become; just need to work at it...
.
Im very close to letting go of major things from the past...
.
Still have much large work to work on concerning this; However; Ill keep at it until the past in these specific areas is gone.
.
As God has told me. Until one door closes another will not be opening for me; This is personal; between me and God; its relevance is; I have to keep working on working through certain personalities of the past until they are gone from my nervous system and concious mind. And I have the skills for it; I will continue to break lose and look at my role when dealing with them until only my role exists anymore and they dont... their values slowly decreasing until they have no more value and when that happens and they are completely devalued; I will simply walk away from them and never remember them... That is the goal Im working on; amen...
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], glovby, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Aligning myself with God....
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.013s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.26
Time : 3.013s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 4.26