July 2025
June 2025
Ive been writing small stories; everyday of creating music… The universe is helping me create music…
And for the last few weeks maybe; started again on some tracks n beats. And I did some more today…
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This is what I'm learning about myself…
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Im damaged; Disabled.. I'm disabled in this area of participation; my mind is hurt and its damaged and warped and ruptured and tired… Its not strong… As soon as I apply responding and back n forth on a subject outside myself; meaning; Interaction; my mind slows way down in strength; much like a broken leg.. However; this damage in my mind never heals; its always weak. Its like a damaged foot or leg from some disease where these limbs are permanently damaged; They are weak’nd.
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My mind is disabled; and still disabled.
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I am much better… My apartment is basically clean and organized and has stayed that way… However; once I started in on an assignment of creating beats; suddenly the kitchen area has taken a turn for the worse. Stuff is left out; scattered… trash not taken out. Stuff on the floor… I can see the protective disease setting in. And its all happening as my mind freezes up on me… it doesn’t take much to freeze up… its damaged… Its happening as I attempt interactions…
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Im not just writing or viewing; I'm interactively creating and problem solving; working with software.. And with excitement or emotional thrilling. And my mind starts to go down; go under.. it doesn’t take much for it to collapse… And this is the reality of my mind…
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So; I cant do allot during the day; but I'm trying and I am getting some things done… I get done about 5%-10%-20% maybe? of what my goals are concerning exploring some creative interests with my computer in music. Not Bad; at least I'm attempting it; And with my goals; I seem to be applying myself..
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NOTE: My brain melts down with the intricate decisions and problem solving choices with many little unknowns that Im trying to piece together to form a conclusion of what Im doing; working with all new software and ideas and equipment I know nothing about it. Exploring it causes mental breakdowns; I literally break down and can only do a small percentage of work before I close down and or the flashing dissociative walls slam on me and I have to dissociate and stop.
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In my opinion; what would the average Young Cat accomplish with out any of these problems; Well; 80%-120% of their purpose of interest; Why? Because they get into what their doing. Nothing to stop them; If they want to makes beats n tracks; They just make them…
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In my case; I cant; “Just Make Them”; I cant deal with things so direct; its way to much on my brain/nervous system…
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And the State knows this…..
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Any interactions with the outside world and it triggers a state of long term PTSD and my brain goes frantic…. It reminds me of those in WW1 that are destroyed mentally in battle and yet; they have to go back; go back out into the battle field after their minds are permanently destroyed from dissociative disorder; Their minds were overloaded with 2 much trauma of a magnitude not humanly possible to handle and for much to long… And thus; they are permanently disabled. And so am I…
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And so; Nothing has changed; This is one of several reasons of this nature Im on a disability…
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My spiritual side is better. I still grieve the horrors of my past and what has happened to me through the years and the false deception of those around me; who led me on and took advantage of me. They could have been nice and just asked me to leave them alone if they didn’t like me or want me. However; most of my inquiry concerning those people; They were sociopaths and they never came to me; I went to them; However; I was lured in to them for various reason that I did not suspect anything wrong… However; I've so; They never themselves never lured me into anything. They actually never wanted me around in the first place; Wish I had known; I would have learned how to take care of myself more.
However; God is rearranging my view and story of the past that I began to feel what It would have been like if I had been alone and had to learn to do things for myself; be a little more dependable.
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In my recovery programs; Self sufficiency is a lie; However; the idea of being a little more self reliant would be nice to practice and learn; For this is where the disability really conquers me. However; Attitude has everything to do with trying things and working for a hopeful humble outcome… Having a good attitude about working to strengthen things on a daily basis is a great thing…
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I do get hit with horror and negatives that can knock me out; So; this is also a reality; and my brain is taken over with this; However; things are much better; meaning I am much better; The disability is? The same at the core; The damage remains. However; the control over me from Long term PTSD is much less… Less large take over symptoms. Alas; its all still here.
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However; I feel really good at the attempt and the reality check of where Im at…
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At one time I had to drink and before that; use drugs; I don’t have to do that anymore either; that could have been a whole lot worse; but God saved me from the extra 20 years of horror associating with those type of endeavors; And that saving was the introduction of meeting people who took me to my first 12 step meeting… And the rest is now history…
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12 step groups have gone hand n hand with my therapeutic years of help for my mental condition.
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SHAME;
Talked about shame at 2 meetings tonight;
Ive talked so much about shame that altho I feel shame from my mind melting down… This occurring from trying to work at computer stuff; My mind being weak; it starts a break down; mental break; break down; This broken process almost from the start… Disability; what can I say! I feel ashamed about that.. But more importantly; my mind and mood change into self hatred and anger because my mind is taken back to times that no matter how hard I wanted to work at things to change; I was captured and could do nothing for my poor life as it was being destroyed; and all of that is relived.
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Anyway!
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I feel the same of sexual abuse and what was done to me and the time period and not being able to escape and then having no one; no more parents hour house or life or nothing… Starting to use drugs; no one cared; no reason to stop because no one was there and never ever would be again. And bullying and many other things; I was continually unprotected and all alone… And taken advantage of.
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The point is; The shame is coming from my past life and all that I was involved in and victim’d of…
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The shame is coming from my mind shutting down; it goes negative; its very damaged…
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Im finding that Im almost able to tell a group of people ALL OF IT! I mean; I tell them Im feeling shameful; Ive spent my life hiding from early life; thats all Ive ever done… AVPD; Agoraphobia and truama based problems and times of addiction; All great shame… However; altho I feel shame; I can tell a group of people about the shame Im feeling and basically where its coming from truthfully; And thus; Im not afraid of the group of people Im telling it to… Im less dissociative because I have nothing to hide; Ive already told them everything several times… Its kind of a backdoor way of getting through shame.
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Another way instead of fixing all the shame;
Instead of fixing all the shame… Instead I expose it over n over to a group of people until Im no longer afraid to feel shame around others and I still accept myself including the shame while around others…That seems like the idea here.
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INDEPENDENCE;
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Starting to realize; the people of the past controlling and abusing me; Captured I was; and slowly working with God to get in touch with those areas when a little boy; and open that up in those lonely; completely alone situations and talk to that child and let that childs life and voice out; out into that opening as it has been opened up; let that childs story of fear and anguish and being captive by those controllers; and let it out; And it may only take a few times or a few months of work to get some of that out and move on; Dont know…
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I am feeling it and seeing it; freedom; Im feeling it because the work Ive done with Gods help is helping and freeing me… So; the part of me that suddenly appears free to me; is open for a life of ambition independence and opportunity. So; part of me is really feeling my independence in these areas; and Im seeing now how I can conduct my own relationships without no co dependency on the monsters of the past; Monsters requiring me to check in with them even long after their dead; for they still have control over me through trauma bonding.
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HATING WOMEN;
Yes!~ But something happened before I ever meet women for dating; What happened to me is isolated very young; thats where I had problems with women; and it starts with my mother; the question is; How to move beyond it and get my independence… And thats what Im looking at facing now…
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So; The problems I have are are occupation problems and a large gap of development and abuse and neglect and being thrown away.
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I thought women were suppose to look after me and take care of me and save me and like me and love me and nourish me and take care of me and love me. Im a lovable kind a guy; They did not; no one did. And finally I was abused by women and men; no one cared about me; nothing… and its that neglect I have a problem with and Im working on right now; I would like to see it feel it; move on from it… It can happen I think.
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As for blaming any women or young women I met beyond 12 years old; NO! So; No one beyond that age is responsible for how I feel about women or men or anything else. Well; I was bullied several times and thats serious; However; No Women involved.
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Thats the issue; no women involved. And maybe thats what Im bent out of shape about; No women in my life ever.. Nothing.. and no women after the age of 12… Nothing! No one who notices me or cares about me; nothing! Zero… Im not counting anyone I dated; theirs just no reason; they didn’t count… I was extremely mentally ill; I either attracted wierdo misfits or sociopaths… So; these degenerates don’t count; I got used most of the time; it is what It is; they were who they were… I really had no business being around this sort a people; However; I was taking no responsibility for who I was associating with and Ill pay for it.
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I was thrown away by the age of 9. I was already thrown away by the age of 5… I was wondering around to other peoples houses at the age of 5… Looking back; Nothing; no one cared about me or my life or my life's development… Nothing; Zero… Its like I didn’t matter; I wasnt their!
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The point of all these comments here; Im slowly getting free; Slowly because I can feel some of it; its starting; its loosening; much like a lose tooth; a tooth you know is coming out; is coming lose; it will come out soon at some point; at some time; but I don’t know how to get it out now; nor do I actually want to yet; I just slowly jar it open a little at a time naturally.
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I want to be free of Hating women; Or hating men or looking back and hating boys my age for dissing me… for leading me on as friends when they had no interest in me nor wanted to be my brother or close comrade… They were fooling me… OKE; Deal with the pain and then; I want to learn how to create a life now where I move on… And that seems to be happening right now. I want free of this. Im already showing signs of being free in general of some of it; The deeper stuff is rooted and I dissociate from it. So…..
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Im not sure about the women thing. I don’t know; its messy and entangled; but Im seeing stuff from ages 12 down to 3 or below… I mean; Im feeling problems from age 9-8-7-6-5-4-3; Im seeing baby sitters at age 8… Im seeing fear and anger and problems… So; I don’t know. Something from age 8 and below that age… age 5 age 4 age 3 age 2 age 1 age 0; I don’t know; something… Something has me caught… So; I have allot of work to do in those time periods those Grade school ages… thats where I think the work is; Atleast to start with…
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Also; letting everyone else off the hook in my later and beginning teenage years… Say 13 on up…. I don’t know. Things have happened to me; like I was tortured by bad people in some specific situations; I assume its my mother; she is the criminal in all of this. Ill have to work with God on the next level of awareness so I know what happened here… I don’t know what happened… I can kind of feel the time period of 8 years old… Other then this; I don’t know… And 8 years old means; more like 8-4 years old; that time period and before… 0-3 years old; that actually feels right.. Altho I don’t know anything about that time period; My first memories are 3 ½ years old.
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Im getting there… I have these dissociated moments do to women who abused me; like my mother or grandmother or mother of my fake best friend when young; they turned on me where never my friends and I got caught in the middle and controlled; Never knowing that would happen or they were that kind of monster to pull that on some or me; and I had no escape from any of these abusers… But its certainly not just women or something; but they play a messy part in things; things I cant define yet… Not completely; things I want look at; humiliations I want to be free of.
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And the rest of the story of abuse and those who abused me… I had no protection; my father turns on me and the rest of the family and is one of the primary abusers simply by avoiding and abandoning his children completely with no remorse. I never saw it coming and didn’t know thats who he was; a monster; I didn’t know; they were both monsters…
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I am working with God to become free!
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So; From ages 0-3; It seems to be my mother and Grandfather causing the problem… and others; thats how it feels; But not my father; I don’t feel he is even present… its my mothers side and Grandfather involved…
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Later it will be more women causing problems… And thats where the abuse and hatred are from. The problem is I cant exactly pin point things; Ill work on it. It feels like Im taken captive.. I cant fight back… Its allot of women; thats the way it feels…
I see my fathers rejection of me and dismissal of me when very young and I don’t understand; he finally completely abandons me as if he never met me….. So this adds to the hatred…
Bullying will occure all over the place when young; cant fight back; do not know what is going on or what to do; Im in shock and stay in shock; Im just a boy; I don’t know anything…. Or how to survive… So the hatred is immense… I cant fight back because I am a child; I am thus trapped.
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I had a strange problem at age 14; I could not perform or go any further with young women my own age; it all brought me to a halt. I could not date or emotionally move within myself concerning dating; Like a wall; suddenly; that was as fare as I could go; its as if I receded back to 6 years old and never left it.
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And Ive been stuck ever since.
I know this had something to do with my mothers rejection of my efforts to tell her about a girl I liked who lived up the street; But my mother was a psychopath and I had no business even associating with my mother ever… I was destroyed and damaged from that occasion of telling my mother my personal business… it was way over devastating; Truly there was no one on my side in this life; I was completely dejected rejected and all alone… and thrown away…
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And its at that moment the real hatred hardens in me. Now; I would like to get over the grip those moments of hatred created and get me back to being the nice guy I really am.
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I can also see sexual abuse all around this area of this incident with my mother; So; a whole world of hatred and horror and pain exist here; Things I will work on to over come with Gods help.
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I think the goal here is; How can I grieve and how can I feel safe in the present again from all of this.
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However; I am feeling better then before; so something is working and does feel good… I have belief and faith things will get better and I will get even better; I just wish I could go through it and get it over with so Im not so dissociated from reality; and that I stop dissociating so much; that it can be tempered down a bit and Im healthier mentally speaking.
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Goals;
Goals are picking up of interest.
However; dissociation stops everything; However; Im still working at it.
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After the meeting;
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THE BEGINNING;
It looks like Im at the beginning of something; of a state of rehabilitation and sanity; but maybe not the way I had planned it.
I was thinking and hoping I would overcome my disability; but it did not happen. My mind is still disabled altho I am doing much better and much more clear minded…
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I can maybe accomplish 10% 5% of someone else attempting to work at something during the day of the same nature; This is do to the dissociated condition; It does not lrt me; It does not get better… My condition; it remains… However; the rest of me surrounding it is much better… The facts are; Nothing has changed concerning the ability to perform; its almost impossible; but I can still set goals and work at things… Its hard; and very disabling… Still set goals when I get up in the morning.
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The problem has been a hopeless attitude concerning my future and present and past. Well; within my recovery process I can adapt a hopeful attitude and look at the glass that is half full and not half empty; and this is most imperative… I can attempt it; PTSD and the past get in the way. My mind gets taken over completely by the past; overwhelmed; Sucked in.
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Looking back at my life; I see the bigger picture of being pulled out of my own life by murderous psychopaths… Their only purpose on earth; to kill human beings. That is all they desire… in one form or the other…
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My goal is to set forth normal goals that a normal person would have and slowly everyday; shoot for them; work for them; work toward them… Ive decided to accept my limited ability to create or perform during the day; and just except the reality that this is my limit… And work at it everyday… Not be Super man about it; just accept the reality of where Im at and start where Im at; Ill pray about it… and slowly work into it. However; my mind is taken over by long term pTSD right from the start; the first second.
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The fantasy future of relationships… Ill have to get to the other side first…
At this point relationships are important to me and I may start venturing out now to get into them again; Ill accept myself where Im at and not lie to others about who I am… And that will be hard; Thats right where it hurts… Ill attempt such things…
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I don’t think it gets better then this; I will recover more in maturity and spirituality I would say. And I accept the rest of my limitations and go after what I want as is… Thats kind of whats happening here…
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I say this because Im learning about taking responsibility for myself; and thus; superman pipe dreams are not necessary; However; knowing the amount of work I can do per day is important. And realistically; it looks like about 10% of what a normal person can do. So; Ill assume that goal… and start their…
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At this point; Im not blaming anyone else for or about my disability; it just is….. and I go from here… This means those from the past…
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I take my disability with me because it is part of myself… I do not ignore it or pretend its doesn’t exist or that it will be better in 2 weeks if I work a spiritual program. I have no problem with accepting my limitations; In fact; its my ego that gets slammed; Im used to it; but still; it kind of puts me in place.
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Problems:
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Because Im so slow at doing things and can only do them for a short while; I sit down at the computer and I ask myself; “ Whats the point”; Im ruined; Im damaged goods; whats the point of going on” And then I stop doing what Im doing; and this is where the battle is; I have to find value in this; in what Im doing; and know that its for the good regardless. The problem is; Im operating on the old me; The fantasy unicorn me; idea I can accomplish anything in my fantasy! The fact is; I cant; I have limitations; and I don’t like this.. but its true and its realistic. And the closer I get to reality; the more in my place and my pathway I find myself… Maybe with the right plans and enough work…
I may have to work supper hard at something to accomplish something; something my fantasy told me that for others it appears easy. However; because of dissociative disorder and other problems; I may have never really been able to attempt much of anything because I dissociate before I even start something and then move on to something else… So I never even get started. Now that Im sincerely attempting to do things; Im finding the reality of things; to accomplish something real; 10 times harder then I thought… 100 times harder then I thought. Thus; in reality; a better attitude and learning how to get a better attitude about my situation would take me a long way. I feel so defeated..!
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Heres an example;
This is what I tell myself when Im sitting at the computer
“ Look at me; Im a loser; Im basically an old man and Im trying to make beats with my music software; And this is as far as Ive gotten in my life”!.
I get overwhelmed and anxiety slams me to the point that I give up… I mean; the reality of a lost life that has gone nowhere hits me and I stop…
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And their it is; and its been this way all my life. I mean; what ever Im doing right now is kind of the first of attempting to do anything in reality where Im on my own and starting something in real time; in the real world… and here it is; and the reality of it not being much is overwhelming to me. So; learning to appreciate what Ive got and seeing the positive of something could be a goal; However; its overwhelming for me; The goal is to see the positive of it; to appreciate the involvement of it and the participation of it and see the bright side of it… To pray about it…
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So; Ive just described my goals; to be appreciative; to see the bright side of something; to see the positive of it; and to change my attitude about it to a positive attitude about what Im doing and to change the story to a positive outcome; And their it is! And I think that can be done. But that means going through the walls; and I dissociate when I attempt that… So; its not so easy!
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POSITIVE OUTLOOK;
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I think I gave up on this concept long ago when the ship went down in life and I went down with it. However; I no longer believe in that narrative… I believe a positive outcome can occur…
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Their is a humbling factor in all of this thats been missing from my life for a long time… So; Ill pray about all of this… a humbling way of seeing a positive outcome.
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So; I remember working at a Hotel banquet place when I was young; I could not function their either… Same problems. I remember… Early 20s…
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I had allot of hopes n dreams when very young; all destroyed; and it left me to only participate in very shallow kinds of ways… only touching the water and then walking away; never able to participate in it; one might say.
Imagine Im on a beach; I can walk up to the water with the full intent of becoming a famous swimmer; but I can only touch the water once with my hand and I dissociate and walk away. I can go no further. And its like that with everything. And the dream dies away…
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I had women who expected me to date them; I could not; I could go no further. They expected me to make out with them; I could not go any further; I shut down.
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I had women offer me sex when young; I could not; I could go no further…
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I had opportunities in classes; I could go no further.
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I had opportunities in music field; I could go no further…
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I had friends but could go no further describing my problems. So; they wrote me off…
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Its a matter of safety. I have no control over it!
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Maybe I come up with a melody on the piano and can see myself singing a song in front of others; but I can go no further. Its like a giant anxiety phobia; a wall; and I can go no further; I can go no further in work related issues or love related issues or relationship related issues… Its not my intellect… I mean; Im smart enough to put together a song.. Ive done it before; But nothing ever goes any further… I never have a reason why! Its like Im depressed and really don’t care; whats the point; Ill feel like; All I ever accomplished was writing some simple song and singing it in front of others and thats it.
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I; like a Shark asked women out… Its shocked them; several weeks later they would show up around me for me take them home; I would go no further; They flat out ask me for sex; I would not move. I would just walk away… I could go no further.
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I had women who liked me; finally look at me and ask me to come over; I said no and walked off… I could go no further.
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I never trust anything I guess or anyone… I believe I would have to face the sexual abuse if I went any further and the loses of my life. I just don’t know.
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So; its like a giant force field.
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I was jamming out with DJ software; I had downloaded loop packs; Thus giving me that DJ live experience… I was in control and loving it in my room. Would I take it any more serious; I fantasized about it; about playing live as a DJ… Would I take this further…
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Problem; EGO; Im to afraid of all the work Id have to put in; and in the end I would get nothing for it; I mean; I mean; I cant stand the end reality; I see the control of sexual abusers and being thrown away… So; I can see some triggers. However; I would like to get good at something… I would!
However; writing about it helps; its hard tho; all of this…
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So; Im getting better in spirit and symptoms…. Except the actual mental conditions; They remain the same… damage is damage…
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Goals;
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I would love working with God if God could help me get up to speed beyond some of these anxiety walls where I start over. Where I get into a kind of rehabilitation stage; where God bringing me the beginnings of working at things I can develop and get better at and grow from and develop at; strengthen my ability for activities and relationships.
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PROBLEM:
I don’t know what these beginning stages would be; nor do I have any clue what God would pick for starter situations to help me…
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Is it making a friend; a real girlfriend; someone I call but don’t date; a real friend;
Is it working with lego’s as I did when a small child for the purpose of? OF what; of building things until I build what? And how many? And then what? Ill gladly play with legos if I have to; if that is what it will take to get a foundation. No problem; but I have no idea if that is what God would put in front of me; I don’t know?
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I mean; I get it; I get the idea of rehabilitation; I just don’t have any concept to the universe concerning direction of that newer more mobile place to safely develop; a newer mobile me that starts over under Gods care in the real world… No clue as of yet!
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Im on this side; the front side of the Tsunami; I see the walls of water in front of me as I back away… Those walls are anxiety walls.
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So; Im in front of the Tsunami; thus; I cant do anything until I go through the Tsunami to the other side and then find dry land; and on the dry land; God will pick things for me to do to start out. I will learn how to do things and feel safe and rebuild; But Im nowhere near that; maybe because actually Im just starting out with my present situation and my present situation is a long way off from the kind of reality where I would be in a rehabilitation state for rebuilding activities and relationships from the ground up. Im not in that world; Im no connected to that world.
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It hasn't been that long since being able to clean my apartment and keep it clean and organized.. So; Feeling better; But stuck under the weight of massive anxiety disorders and walls that keep me in a kind of prison…
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went to the meeting and felt much better; However; got to watch who I sit by; Ive got people that flip their mouths off to me… And I have to remember who they are and move tables…
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So; I was able to share that Ive made it to the other side; I feel comfortable; much more comfortable with who I am…
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Besides someone putting me down when I wasnt looking; a cheap shot; must remember where I am; the meetings are not screened…
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So; Im feeling like my disability is me; is part of me; I own it; its me; its mine; its intimate; its me; its mine; its all of me; its part of me; it is me.. Its a part of me; I take it with me where ever I go…
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The point is; I could never tell anyone about me because I could not accept or even understand who I was or what was wrong with me. Now I do…
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The point is; my disability is becoming part of my identity the way it should because it is me and it is the way I perform. I do not perform any other way; anything else is fantasy… Im not getting better where this is concerned; nor do I have to; its me; This is me… Ive been this way; it started when I was as far back as I can remember… I had trauma from the beginning. After being thrown away and going through more bad things; By the time Im 13; non functional; by the time Im 14; Im non functional… The complaints I make right now about my condition; I had then… and could not function but I could not tell anyone what was wrong… Today I have a fighting chance; Thanks to God…
So; Ill continue the work with my anxiety condition… Ill continue to set daily goals that will push my direction…
And Ive never felt so accepting of myself; its really good… its a beginning.
Our partner
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