July 2025
June 2025
I can see myself feeling a kind of security when very young up to 8 years old. But then my father leaves; or; I began to see my father for what he was; He was a monster. Their was no father; never had been.
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I was watching the crime channel on YouTube; one main area is the serial killers; being a guy this is my favorite channel. but I noticed something about all of them; and specifically some of them; but they are all the same; monsters... They are much much more then criminals. and I do not have to have someone elses opinion of it; I mean; I can figure it out myself within seconds; these are monsters. Not human.....
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I was able to tell someone was wrong concerning my father.. I was able to tell from about the age of 6 onward; into 7... By 9 it was over for me. The gig was up; I knew then completely what I was dealing with. And anti social sociopath; paranoid schizoid personality... What I was dealing with was a monster not just a petty criminal or something. This was someone children should never be allowed around ever; no one should ever be around. Ever... Should be locked away in jail for ever... Monster...
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My mother was a psychopath; sadistic; so; not worth bringing her up or mentioning her... nothing zero.. But I felt safe because my father was around. But after age 7 I began to see it clearly; but not until 9 was a thrown away...
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I was bullied in the 5th grade. I dont talk much about that; because the 5th grade is the beginning of the end for me. I was stalked at school; someone fallowed me home from school and tried to start a fight and hit me in the face. I didnt respond; I just walked away; It was just some filth.. Nothing more.. But I could not protect myself in the school system and it represented the beginning of the end of my earlier existence.
I do not remember school at all accept first grade; after that a large amount of fear takes over me to avoid and hide. Im a very intelligent sensitive person and no way.. no way I can survive... 2nd grade is showing problems. The Bulling or being stalked at that time; that is the beginning of something as well. I dont have anyone I can talk to or tell. Theirs no real father... theirs nothing. All I have left is my my house I live in and my neighborhood. But they will suddenly pull me from this and Ill be completely destroyed.
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I had a best friend; but as I've been praying lately; He was a monster. And I make it clear to the reader and myself that Im aware of the difference between criminals and monsters. And he was a white collar kind of monster. It wasnt until later; late 30's that I was taken back around there family system to witness the shock of what they really were; him and his family. God was attempting to show me that I was picking children that would become monsters when they got older; I did this several times. In this case; this kids family had money; and I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. He thought he was better then me from the start. But I did not understand I was just being used. But later when I went back to visit; when I was older; at Christmas time; thats when I saw it; I was no friend of their families; nothing. They did not know me or value me. And this person who was suppose to be my friend was no friend; and the way he treated me was as he was superior and I inferior; unbelievable and shocking; shocking to the point that this wierdo was not safe. It was creepy; and he was a disgusting person and so was his sickening family. all of them. It was all a facade on the outside. God was trying to help me; show me what was really going on. I never saw it. Now; more n more I can look back at this filth for what it was; something I should have never gotten involved with. This means; I have to go back to the first time I saw this person and re write the script. I remember going to his grandfathers house and fishing with him when I was a small boy; all of those times have to be changed and re written; I have to see that for what it was; and get it out of my memory as something good or fun... Ill change the script to something else; something without that person. Ill see myself alone with God or at church hiding out or something; Ill allow God to change it for me...
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7th grade; Im a whole other person being destroyed; assaulted several times a day where I live plus daily bullied at the school system. Im in a state of constant fear and shock.. Im mad now; all of those people; all of that; they should have been brought up with charges with the police and I removed from that situation. But I could never at that age have a clue... I had no one.
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So; as I delve into more of this and look back at the truth. I had no one and I have to look back with Gods help to re create another narrative of what I wanted that could have kept me safe.
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Looking back when was able to look at my childhood again; I saw myself from someone elses house that lived a few houses down and I remember the fear; a bottom line wave of under current of fear in general of where I lived. So; the child in me always felt it. It was not the childhood I claimed it to be. Their were times of great personal inner freedom and I loved my life and my future. But that future never got to be built. In fact; it was all inside of me; it was a secret no one else knew about including who I am or who I was as a child; no one knew; as no one knows now.
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The child in me now;
Ill slowly build on that child right now... slowly learning to connect with God again... and see where it takes me...
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The 12 step system is where I've been hiding most of my life; but I dont have anything in common with those people; any of them; most off them accept the need to recover and have a safe place and its not always safe; lots of criminal types in places like that; and a fe really bad monster types as well... at times. For the most part ive survived and grown there but would like a life back in the real world again. but im so alone and disconnected from all things.
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Women and relationships; getting close to women; It just seems a ridiculous joke; a fantasy to ever let anyone get close to me ever again. But I dont remember ever allowing anyone to ever get close to me in the first place. No women has ever gotten close to me in the first place; ever... and Ill never allow one to ever get close to me again. But its interesting how I say that; Ill have to look at that because I never allowed anyone to get close in the first place; I was never in a safe environment ever; and so I never knew anyone.
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No one has ever been close enough to me or ever allowed to know the real me to get close enough to have any kind of relationship with me. No one has ever wanted to that was safe. The only people who tried to get close to me were monsters. I learned the hard way concerning them. I find myself up and around them for that kind of a transaction to occur; they did not come to me.
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Some girls in the 12 step groups liked me but they turned out to be pure evil sociopaths; So; I simply walked away very quickly in disgust...
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Could I meet a nice girl; safe; maybe; I doubt anyone like that exists; but you never know. Im so sensitive to anything especially the wrong people getting up and close with me; Especially those that will try and get close just to turn on me later for the fun of it; meaning The Who thing was a game... Thats all its ever been; just like attracting bullying types who are playing me... they were never interested in any kind of relationship with me; they were just leading me on for fun to get me to fall into a hole... and then leave me or turn on me sadistically. I was being led to the slaughter; Ive never known anyone else in the real world or met anyone else anywhere; I gave up long ago. I gave up when child. I never expected to find anyone else worth association while a child; not after what I saw.
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The problem has been; Ive never met anyone else. Ive never met any nice people; well maybe some I guess; but not really but yes. I mean. No; not someone I actually wanted to be around. I saw some good traits in some people.
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Ive never met any safe people; people ive found safe or really saw my inner worth. nothing. Ive certainly never met any women that way... I Saw women that thought they found a sucker who had no rules for them... but they were wrong; I have ethics and values; they thought they found someone with no rules to live by...
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Ive never found anyone.....
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Looking back; I never found any women that I would ever allow getting close to me for any reason ever. I would never open up to any of them ever... not after what ive seen. But I would have never opened up to any of them anyway. I never found what I was looking for ever. Never got started.
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The people around me were only around me for my survival sake; I was in survival mode and trying to survive it was not because I wanted them around me personally; I was never personal. never have been in anything other then survival Mode almost all of my life. Possibly when I was a very young kid did I have a feeling of hope for the future so I was able to enjoy some things but I was still in a bottom line of fear concerning my mother... who was not safe for human beings to be around. As for my father; at first I thought I had a father; later in horror I will find out their was no father...
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So; as for the fake friends growing up; in reality; there were no friends I was being used; I didnt know it; now its so obvious; I was being taken advantage of as a kid. I had no idea; they did; they planned it. I was a latchkey kid and that is why. I was just following what I saw on TV. So I ventured out.
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As for women; I saw what I wanted from the TV shows when young; But life never went beyond those TV shows; I never found anyone interested in me ever. No one. Nothing. ever.... never...
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It would be nice to work with God and get centered again and feel safe and attempt to build the kind of life and be around the kind of people I would like to meet but I only saw them in TV shows. I never met anyone out in the real world... I never met any quality level people... nothing. Im a complete stranger.
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Some of the people at 12 step groups dont count; Im in survival mode and they will never know me... and dont know anything concerning me and never will. Its kept me alive through dissociative disorder.
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I still have dissociative disorder but the systems are much less then they used to be; Im still torn up on the inside; the PTSD is less then it used to be; but its still the same on the inside but not as harsh.... if that makes any sense. I can see the PTSD right now as I speak; the world under the world continuing to play out in my mind... and nervous system.
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Im slowly moving forward down my path revisiting things that were taken from me when young. Now; I see the reason for it but I also see the fear of how I really felt when young.
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