July 2025
June 2025
New Blog…
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THEY WERE NEVER ASSOCIATIONS: A LIED!
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As for past associations; They were not associations. And it wasn't just 1 persom I lied about. It was several people; strangers. I was a dissociative not in reality… I seemed to be in my own mind but had no idea what was going on outside of me. When I met someone; I had my own ideas of what I thought was going on outside of me. I created all kinds of fantasies about others outside of me. None of what I thought was real. I literally made everything up. I lied; except it was like a form of schizophrenia; a real section of it; a different color of it but really the same thing; My mind was gone; it was broken out of reality. My mind was ripped apart from pressure from abandenment and abuse. Also; I was starving for some kind of connection.
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NOTE; I met normys… people who had no clue about my conditions problems.
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MEETING PAST PEOPLE>
Here's the deal about meeting past people; If their were any problems between us; it usually was because I met them and needed them; they did not need me. My brain was completely dissociative; to the point I could not even participate in any classes in schooling. I should have been in a nut house. So; my desperation was for help. When I realized no one liked me or really cared about me or what was wrong with me; even after I met them; it was so easy for them to throw me away and never see me again. I was heartbroken and destroyed. I never got past first base with anyone…
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As for making the grave mistake that people liked me when they didn’t. All I can say is; God has helped me to look beyond delusion into reality. When I was able to admit I lied about everything; suddenly everything made sense. No one really liked me or cared. No one ever really invited me to get to know them or cared. No one cared if they ever saw me again… No one was attracted to; they didn’t even know me… Theirs a good chance they were nice and polite and gracious hosts; they and their families; However; at some point I didn’t get the hint that I had stayed to long; not only in one visit at their homes; but in general. In most cases I was invited by an outside source; traveling with them to a destination. I would join this outside source at someones house for an hour before we left. I met people. I met their families; I chatted with some of them or my friends within who drove us to these destination; they ( We) would chat with the owners and their families of the house that I was a house guest; at some point we would part and I would go home with everyone else.
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However; because of my neediness; I would go back to their homes on my own accord and visit them. It was Oke at first; they didn’t seem to mind. However; after several times; they were like; tired of seeing me. I had out weighed my welcome. They were gracious hosts and nice cordial family people. However; It was time to go home and I was kind of delusional and dissociated from reality… These people didn’t understand what I wanted. Maybe I was just needy and alone… However; very quickly it was made clear that I had out weighed my usefulness as a guest and it was time to go home. And at some point; altho sad; I got the message. I went home…
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I STAYED CLOSED OFF TO THE WORLD:
I took it all personally; no one wanted me and so I collapsed within myself; regenerated back to a 6 year old in maturity and reality; and I dropped away from society. Because of mental illness and inability to function in society; I never came back to society… I stayed in a kind of mental illness state for the rest of my life. IT got worse; allot worse… I had drug problems; alcohol problems at times; Enough to be introduced to recovery meetings or chemical addiction recovery groups at times. I was more a potential then the real thing ; but I did enough things to scare myself… God sending the message I needed to go in other directions in my 20’s; I was not living in good choices for my survival. Altho mental illness was my main problem… I had side quests that caused problems.
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THE PRESENT;
So; here I am starting over; no past. I have my mental illness problems… My mind is toast… I mean; its weak. However; Ive had allot of recovery and I have allot of goals.
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Im an old man… So; when it comes to market value; well; its important to work with God to be realistic in the real world. I like my league and its important to stay in it. I will ask my higher power and the universe to bring me my desires at my league level… I wont know what that is like until I work on it at this new point. Its important for me to stay at my league level. Ask the universe to bring me things at my league level.
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Im glad the universe has helped me.
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I have a large anxiety wall to work through. I have made some immediate steps to accept this challenge. A little…
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The world is a whole new place for me.. Its important that I work with a higher power and learn to be around safe people. Ill work with my higher power on this; Being around Nice people; Safe people. Ill pray about this.
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So; I continue to work with spiritual matters with God universe Jesus. I continue to work with success based thinking programs. This has helped teach me how to integrate with the universe and goal setting...manifestation in a way described in the book; Think And Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. Abraham Hicks; laws of attraction and many other coaches. God has led me to these people and places and things to learn from… And I have studied. So; I have a good grasp on how to set goals for myself. I set goals and use the universe the way Billionaires use it; thats what I studied. Ive used it; not so much for money; instead; to learn how to function and have hope while mentally ill. IT has helped me believe I can have things even tho reality is a bit hard place for me. And it is working…
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So… My life is up to me… Im co creating my new world view with God. Ill always start with God in prayer.
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