July 2025
June 2025
Can I finish something; anything.
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Can I stay present and try to finish something…
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I was just getting into my music the way I always wanted…
it lasted for a second. Thats all the attention I could give it; but I was feeling it. Its that bit higher feeling level of things; where Intellectuality occurs.
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Heres the deal; I was getting into it; the creation of something. And that means creating my own thing. I would create it; put words to it and go play it. But I never do it; Its that inner thing; it takes me back to places of insecurity and broken hearted-ness; places of horror… Places where Im alone… and have no hope or future; nothing…
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Im so close kind of; Im on to the key of something; that abilty to do something I love or Im interested in and do something with it; get into it… and Im so close.
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I was creating a rhythm on the keyboard. And I recorded this strange rhythm and I thought; Ya now; Im going to take the notes and duplicate them into notation; and them use it as a guitar pattern for chords; Then; put words to it. It would be all mine. Thats the best way for me. I was so close. I started; I started to put the notes; to write them. And so Ill keep going.
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The problem is; I get those voices; strong voices that say; “ whats the use; don’t even bother; I wont get anywhere doing this”. The problem is; I don’t listen to those voices anymore. I don’t want to; I don’t believe in them anymore.
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I believe in getting into things I really dig and then growing from it and because of it. And it all helps me to learn to trust again; getting into things; Im very close I think; but Ive been here a thousand times… So…
We will see what happens.
I usually dissociate and can go no further; but one never knows… Ill work at it and see how important this is to me… I think its very important…
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Because I gave everything up with young; I was never married and never had an occupation; and it in part; much of it from This very condition of just giving up and saying; Whats the use; why bother.
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Now; I don’t believe in that anymore and Im in the middle of change; Im not sure how the universe is going to change me but I think its already happening. I like myself to much not to get into things and express myself.. to to explore my ideas… attempt to… work at things; sacrifice up front. Try some different stuff where I like it; but Id have to work at things to really build something.
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I used to give up long before I would put myself out for anything or anyone; now I want something different…
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I want myself back. I want to come back again and be interested in stuff again…
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Ill pray about it.
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It has 2 factors; well; three; its the main three; Lyric, memorization, practice. This professional musicianship is whats completely undeveloped in me. Nothing scares me more then being pulled into an idea do deep and I put myself out for far much less then I get back. However; thats always been my attitude. An attitude of someone that acted as if he had a better life then he ever built.
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Today Im turning into a Earner. That is someone who accepts that they start out with nothing zero; no status; unknown. And they develop a work ethic of interest in being a Earner… a way of life. As a way of life.
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And so; Im really a novice at all this. Can I create my own weird song and actually finish something… We will see. I am excited and have enthusiasm. Lets see if I can carry any of this out.. learn to be myself again… develop myself for the sake of developing myself.
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This is hard….
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The first thing I think of is. Man; its been a long time since Ive believed; believed in anything…
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OK God; help me out; God is helping me out… God is helping me out; God is helping me out; God is helping me out; Amen.
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God be with me!
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Take care of me God…
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Ill pray first amen!
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