July 2025
June 2025
First; lets go deeper into the best friend that lived up what street... I call him my fake best friend.
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Lets take a closer look as I get to the final round of problems and solutions; Finally. Finally getting answers for this stuff.
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OKE;
I complained about how I was treated. How I was not respected at later times.
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Heres a newer issue..
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Im sitting in a class room when I meet him. Who told me to meet him? Why did I meet him? I claim he was evil and all that.
How about this; How about; I was never suppose to meet him.
When I met him; I went out of my way to meet him; I did not go out of his way to meet me.
Would he have gone out of his way to meet me if I had no met him; NO!
I would have sat by him in class and never said a word to him or glanced in his direction; Nothing. He would have never glanced in my direction; never... ever ever ever. Complete strangers.
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Why Did I go up to him; Compulsive disorder. And; I was trying to escape my home life. IT had nothing to do with this guy.
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So; after meeting this person; I went home and I called him after talking to him a few times at school. What if I had not called him; would he have called me! No! Never!
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What if I had not called him or ever talked to him again and went my own way; He would have never associated with me. Never; completely strangers.
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I complained that this person did not really " GET mE! SEE mE". " APPRICIATE ME". Nothing.
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DID he never go up to my house; NO!
DiD he ever call me! NO!
I always called him and we always went to his house.
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So; my friendship with him started when I called him. And then it ended. It only came back the next time I called him. He wasnt even a friend; He was not my friend... He was just a person I had called. And if I did not call him again; there would be no reason for me to keep writing these blogs to figure things out.
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The main problem I had with this person was; I kept calling him! It was compulsive...
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I was not suppose to be around him or anyone else.
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What would life had been like if I had not been around that person. I would have had to dealt with my home life as it was and learned to do things for myself and probably get into school and talk to teachers and such. I would have had a boring life but I would have had to have gotten better at school. And I would have had to have dealt with my parents some how which would have been horrifically scary.
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So; the real issue is about my home life at the time... not the people I called to escape... They dont count. In fact; I was using them to escape. They probably thought I was intrusive coming to their house all the time.
I could tell you they did not think fondly of me and neither did this kid I had called all the time compulsivity.
As I said; If I had stopped calling this person; that would have been the end of that... this person would have never called me... I meant nothing to him or his family... How ore why would I... This is crazy,.
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So; Now; I have to look at that home life if I had no one to call. And thats a big big problem... Ill have to start some where and learn how to write about it and talk about it...
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The girl up the street; the girl I liked; same exact thing. I did the same thing. I showed up around someone who did not ask to know me. I than called them. If I had never called them again; nothing would have ever happened; they would have never called me.
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Neither of these people needed me for anything; they were strangers and did not have any desire to know me or associate with me...
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In both cases; im compulsive; Im calling people I should not call. And Im not working well in the school system; im at the rock bottom. Non work; nothing... no movement... and that had to have been addressed... some how... somewhere.
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I was never wanted in any family system anywhere including the ones I tried to run to; like this girl or this kid I thought Was my best friend; he was no friend. I was compulsively calling a stranger who could careless who I was.. They didnt need me...
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these people were not my friends and would have never been my friends under all circumstances; I was more than desperate; I was mentally ill and reaching out to anyone compulsively because of the family system I came from; I must have been scared to death.
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But I know this... These random strangers were not the answer; the answer was to tell teachers or try to work on school work or my future without ever meeting these other people; these other people were not healthy for me. They turned out to be awful people. Unbelievable. But thats not even my business; I was to go it alone... meaning; I was suppose to get involved in school and my school work.
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The problem was; I had no relationship with anyone in that house I lived in; nothing. with any of them... No one liked me or cared about me or knew me or cared.
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So; I have to get it out of my mind that some random kids in some school where going to save me... thats not how it works... I would have had to have gone to outside sources for help...
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Ill have to write about what life would have been like if I had not had those people around that I called to escape to...
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Its hard letting go... But I have to know what life would have been like without those random strangers involved. and I involved them every time I called them. They had no interest in me; they never called me ever. and they never came to my house ever. They never liked me. Maybe they were bored or something. It doesn't matter; what matters is my ability to write about my home life if I had never reached out to those kids in the class room.
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The other problem was; these were the last type of people in the world to associate with.. These were perfect strangers who were the opposite of me... complete strangers... These were not the type of people to associate with... They did not need me has an associate... To them; I did not qualify; but it really doesn't matter.
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Those people dont exist... I was never suppose to get involved with them in the first place. And thats the problem. I was suppose to be at home working on school work and my future....
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These people were never my friends. Never said they were my friends. Never said they wanted to be my friends.. never did or said anything; never called me. if I had not called them I would have never heard from them ever again. They were fine... They did not need me for anything.
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Their families had negative thoughts and ideas about me and said negative things about me; thats because I was compulsively getting involved with them when I should have left them alone... We had nothing in common. I had no business around them... And that scares me.
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They were not my saviors; no one sent them to me... or I to them.
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I Have to really look at what life would have been like if I did not have those people to run to... to their homes... What would it have been like if I had to stay in my home and deal with it and do home work and school work and get into school and talk to teachers about school and never associate with those people. Or how could that have happened... how could I have made that happen. Thats what needed to happen and then I attract friends; Not chase strangers I had nothing in common with...Horrifying. Really horrifying..
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Ill have to keep writing about this until the brain washing losses its affect... I had no business bringing others into my person stuff; I was not suppose to escape I was suppose to go to school and make something of myself.
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Its hard for me to take responsibility for my actions here. But I have to learn how. I have to stop blaming other people for not turning out the way I wanted them to be When they never wanted me in the first place; and Im the one who called them to start with; not the other way around; and Im the one who said hello to them; they didnt want anything to do with me nor did they notice me for any reason. I mean; they were really perfect strangers. and I was of no interest to them.
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My narcissistic personality cant seem to come to grips with this! They were perfect strangers and they did not like me nor want me around nor want anything to do with me. And why would they; They never asked to spend time with me nor did they want to get to know me or take interest in me; nothing and I had nothing in common with them regardless. I mean; Im slowly trying to come to grips with all this insanity I created.
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It hurts when I have to take the blame for it. It hurts when Im off running away and not building my future... when young.
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Again; I have to look at my home life as if I had no friends or any place to go. No one real close.. Just myself and schooling or what ever.... But Im at home alone and going nowhere... and that wont change because I have no close people to associate with but I do get into school work. And thats how it was suppose to be...
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These other people had no business being involved in my personal life at any level ever.
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But it was my call to walk up to them and get to know them; and there's the problem.... right on the spot... I should have turned at the door and sat down at the fair side of the room and never turned my head one way or the others and got my assignments and gone home and worked on them and got good at School if I could have..
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So; the premise is; I should have been doing something with my life. I was damaged and hurt and destroyed; However, looking back at it. I would have liked to have worked on a goal of some kind and less time with these sicko people... I can see a real dissociated problem here.. Why was I hanging around these people and not building a future for myself. I understand. However, reading this or writing it; a real neglect of that kind of thing; School/work; exists here; its trauma and fear that stopped me; Pain from bulling and other things... all the losses. Still; As I write this; its bout turning toward work; thats my goal; what ever that will mean... I dont care what it is; just do something and work with God on it.
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Turning to these people ive mention in here is strange odd thing to do... weird. The key is I have to do something about all this; its inside me to want to become responsible for doing things with my life; pray about it and work at some things and make it a value to work...
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So; Im already snapping out of all this just a little bit; Ya know; Like; Why was I hanging around these weird people for; Why wasnt I working somewhere.
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Start doing your art work or music; more like a job; do something; anything; start doing it and writing about it and working through the anxiety of it; become a worker; what are you doing!!! ?
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Why was I around these weird people... what for...
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So I just went to a meeting; I didnt want to go...
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So; the universe in its brilliance is telling me; Why did I hang out with those weird people when I was younger. and why wasnt I working. Working means applying myself; applying myself to something. The universe knew I couldn't do that; the universe is explaining things for me now about what would have happened if I had a father around at the time that cared. or a family; and I would have not gone off up the street or down the street to some strangers houses to make friends with them; I instead would have lived and developed my own life. And the universe is now telling me what to to now and what to expect. And Im learning...
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I pray for the courage to help the still suffering human being and to be helpful to others...
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Im getting it; its so hard. All that was rapped up in my past that loved and all gone.. all of it. I have one picture from the past that will take me back into the past.. its the only thing Ive got left.. And the universe is teaching me to let go of all of it.. But the picture is different.. it wont hurt me but it reminds me...
So; Im hurting. Ive got meetings; God; a few people I know from the meetings... and thats it; but also almost no past... meaning; a past that can hurt me.
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And God tonight telling me that those people I associated with were just weird people I should have never known and I should have been applying myself; that was the answer; meaning that now I should learn how to apply myself to things and not to worry about those weird people of the past that never liked me or saw any value in me.
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I have allot of changing to do; lots of changes.. Thats the bottom line.
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The universe was saying to me; Why wasnt I a math tutor when I was younger; applying myself or such.
This is actually a message for the present.....
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This whole message is about me moving forward and onward...
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ITs a brilliant concept the way all of this is stated from the universe; perfect.. perfect sense.
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However,. it hurts... grief... Ive done allot of work on all of this; its not done yet.
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The goal now is applying myself to anything I touch. Learning about getting this work ethic. I could be art or music creation; its a concept; a principle or a value a work ethic.. thats what the universe is suggesting Im suppose to do with my time; learn about how to apply myself.
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The situation with past relationships is this; The universe is gently allowing me to understand that my mind was gone and I was so insecure that I found myself around weirdos... and hes not bagging on them. Hes just telling me that hanging out with them was not a feasible direction for any growth.. For any real time future development of my mission on earth... I was dysfunctional at best... and found some real odd balls to associate with that would probably not be able to help me move forward in my life or career or relationships... And to move on; its OKE; Gods kind of taking over a bit and directing me now a bit more... So; past women or people I thought had my back but did not; that was odd because they were odd people to start with that would not be able to help me. And spending time with them is futile; theirs better people and places and things; the right things for my future... So; God knows the direction;.
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Also; as these things vanish from my life; others will show up.... and new relationships will start...
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ALL I can say is; I must stay with God very close from how on until the end... God did not bring those other people into his light with me. I meandered in strange ways and in strange places where I was not invited and I got corrected and thus smashed back to God... So hopefully Ill learn.
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I have allot of changing to do and thoughts of the past to let go of... If Im going to be happy; I have to learn again how... It scares me...
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Ive still got things to work out and hopefully God can bring the right people to help.
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Im moving forward and Im not sure I ever have before... I dont think so... not like this...
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