July 2025
June 2025
Next move forward…
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So; Im showing signs of accepting that the past is gone; That I was in the wrong; I self invited myself into the lives of many people who where never asking for my presence. These people did not know me; never asked to meet me; had no clue I existed; were not reaching out to the universe to meeting me; As for as I know; After dealing with them; I doubt it.
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I simply walked into the arena of other peoples lives and made up a narrative as I went along; I was delusional and mentally ill and many other things. Of course; the innocence of my age is part of this.
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On there side; they played it into the ground; They knew what I was doing but had no conscious about letting it develop. I was trying to create friendships with them; They were not interested in me or my friendships with them. For the women involved; no attraction; in fact; I imagine its more repulsion. As for the guys; I thought I was bonding with them as a best friend getting closer then a brother; Nothing could be further from the truth. No one there was interested in being my friend; they thought I was scum trash and they were way way superior from the start. They only allowed me around them for very contrived reasons I knew nothing about. Mainly their parents wanted another guy around them so they would not grow up alone; The parents wanted their kids socialized and because I lived in the area; I was a good bet to use. And USED I was; and fooled and that was all. I had no idea they were being nice to me and playing me as long as I hung around their kid. But as soon as I hit a certain age; meaning their kid hit a certain age; they were no longer interested in having their kid around someone to be socialized; suddenly everything kind of changed and started to get worse for me. It kind of creep’d in on all sides; what they really thought of me. It wont be until Im later in high school age that things will start to unravel. I wont find out that these people were never friends of mine.
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Anyway.
I have enough information on all of this to see the truth. Their was no one interested in me or my friendship; No one attracted to me or interested any romantic relationships ( The young women); And these young women were never interested in any kind of friendship or any type of relationships or situation -ship or introduction-ship. I meant nothing to them the first time they saw me until the last time they saw me.
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Heres the deal; No one ever came to me to start an association. I was simply a stranger that showed up at their door step many times for various reasons but never by their invitation.
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“ You win some; you lose some”.
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They had no attraction for me at any level ever.. So; I really had no right being around them. I mean; They never came around me. Someone else always got me to them; to their house; to their lives. Im not sure they ever did anything other then act cordial with basic hospitality. I may have miss read everything. Because looking back; no one ever made any gestures of interest toward me for any reason. I would show up at someones house; The people in the house were nice; they are pleasant; I was a guest. They might offer me a coke. And that was that. I was never more then a guest for very short increments. And that's all. Looking back; they were cordial when I was a guest and so not much to say accept thats as far as anything really existed. I was extremely mentally ill and dissociated from reality and really created a bunch of stuff in my head about strangers that never happened and never existed..
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So.
WHERE AM I AT NOW.
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Well; Im showing real progress and enthusiasms of moving forward. However; Altho Im basically over the past on things; It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the loss of not ever having a real past as I move forward.
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I can feel the grief of never really having a younger life; it was snuffed out by the time I was in 5th grade and it will never be able to return Until now.
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And with Gods help my life is returning. In fact; I have expressive proof starting; just starting. Atho Ive been working at it in my imagination for a while now; Some of the forward motions into a new reality are just starting now. Some; Today!
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So; all it great.. However; I have to earn my way into a new way of thinking. And so to further my development; that is what I am slowly doing.
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Signs are showing up that I have accepted that the past worked out; those major areas specific; worked out; Im moving forward because “ You win some you lose some”; I had no control over others and those situations. I know move forward into my own life…. And Ive shown steps that have been taken to prove such things. And all it proves is; Ive accepted that I wasnt accept into the life I tried to be part of when young. A life with others I thought would accept me; They never did! “ You win some you lose some”. And thus; I now move on. Forward.
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Im looking forward to getting through the work that will take me further down this new path beginning.
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I know I have allot of work to do. I am feeling the hart loss of things from a demoralizing past. I still feel it; but those feelings are on the top of my heart. They will be processed; it wont slow me down a bit; Nothing. Ill move on from NOTHING! Because NOTHING existed of any real value from my past. Im grateful today to move on.
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WORK ETHIC; associated with my callings and hobbies.
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IM LIKE A FISH SILENT IN A STREAM.
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I'm like a fish dead inside no moving; alive but not swimming; Just hanging out by a rock in a quite area of the river. I cant really move. Ive been stuck.. Im dissociated.
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I have learned helplessness.
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Trauma Bonded
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So; All of this gets in the way of a work ethic. Im not present. Im not used to doing things and getting somewhere. Im used to being controlled. However; its starting to want to change a bit; I am getting just a bit stronger from all the work done surrounding these issues. I have a long way to go.. However; great hope exists for me now! Im showing signs of moving forward…
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I have interests in writing, creating music, creating art and doing something with these things; and if nothing else; being dedicated to them and getting better at them… These are callings…
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As for Hobbies; yes; Id like to make sure Im doing something associated with them on a daily basis.
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My future goals concerning relationships and activities. Maybe even driving some day… Money would always be nice…
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I guess Im like everyone else… I want the same things everyone wants in life I think.
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God
I would like to get stronger concerning God. I will work down a God pathway…
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SUCCESS BASED THINKING;
Im always working with success based thinking processes and techniques. I will continue to do so….
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