July 2025
June 2025
Preview: 5th instalment; Another Paradigm shift; struggling in Limbo Land
Another Paradigm shift occurred Yesterday. I started in a morning meeting as a child and walked out a confused adult. Did it last; kind of. I was breaking away from childhood because I'm coming back into reality; this means I'm not in my childhood or adulthood; it just means I'm accepting things and coming back to reality as myself.
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However, as an adult part of me is more myself; However, as a child living a little while in a stable environment or what appeared to be one; I was myself growing.
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So; this next paradigm shift I moved from broken child to a more comfortable adult. I mentioned this in my other blogs.
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And now; I'm continuing on from that point. I'm nowhere near being an adult in emotions. However, that might be a lie; I may have some of it grown in me and showing.
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SO; where am I at in Limbo land; Im working on one thing; What is My Purpose on planet earth. And everyday Im getting new information. People are helping me as if I was young and had parents; they are playing those roles in small ways; Its as if the universe has a whole new group of people taking care of me; but these people don't know it; they don't God is put them in those rolls; I don't tell them; I just experience the attention and grow from it. And its working.
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When I was young I was going to grow up with my best friend and experience all things kids and pre teens and teenagers and young adults experience; Thats not what happened; I was destroyed before all that happened; I've been in a dissociated bad state ever since.
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Heres the point; I'm at that point of breakaway from my family; emotionally speaking from that age I was destroyed. The child in me is no longer wondering what happened to him; he and I are now working together to better my life; we both agree on the horrors; all the things we went through; we both know and are in unison about it; so the child in me; My Inner Child has no delusions about what happened nor needs delusions concerning the horror experienced and its long term disabling effect.
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This is important because this type of unison does not show up with many people; not that I've met; not concerning trauma.
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I'm at this place that if I was young; Id be Gowing independent spending time with my best friend doing well in school and becoming an independent person with his own goals.
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God has created a situation in the present with enough attention from others to duplicate this time period and help take care of me all the way back to becoming an independent person again; As if I had a best friend was doing well in school and becoming independent and creating my own life. In fact; I can see the memories from when young; and some of them are becoming me again because I'm at that high level independent frequency of vibration. I'm vibrating signals at such a high level that those pristine memories are suddenly appearing.
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The grief is horrible. Ill make it; because the reality is; I stop looking back at who I was and what happened because I'm starting to become that person again; I'm becoming myself in the present; that's what's happening; and at some point I wont be looking back anymore; I wont need to because there will be no lose of self; I will have traveled from back in time always to the present me with full memories of the best part of me from when young. I will be those memories so there will be nothing to look back on; why; they wont be separated from me; my conscious or identity or memories or feelings; they will all be back within me. The problem is; I must have similar conditions to continue to grow up; especially right now. And God is unbelievably supplying those conditions; Its as if I have parents and a best friend and goals. I have a place to vent and talk about what's really going on right now.
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In reality unfortunately when young; that best friend turned out to be fake... SO I was devastated but then everything turned on me and turned out to be 2 faced and a fake; all things. I'm not experiencing that to much anymore.
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Most of the people I meet are nice people. Some of the scum bags I stay away from.. and I'm learning more n more to not go near them.
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SO; I'm just kind of hanging in there; reporting on a daily basis to the 12 step groups I go to and letting this thing happen.
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If I keep going; at some point; I will be independent emotionally and present again and knowing that no family system from the past or neighborhood or people from that neighborhood or school systems or fake relatives; no one; No one came to rescue me; nothing and I'm coming back without any presence of anything from the past; that means safety.
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Right now I need to be loved and taken care of knowing outside people or friends care about what happens to me; and God is supplying the right people for this experience. I know at some point; not now; but at some point; Ill be less dissociated from reality and less disconnected. Ill kind a be here again; but not yet. Much more love coming in my direction is needed and safety and sincere people God puts in my life to help me. At some point; Ill simply grow up more; and finally just kind of grow into the present with all of me from the past; thus meaning; I wont be in the past anymore; Ill be in the present.
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I still have a small mountain to cross so I'm not out of the woods yet... I'm just going to let things happen and I'm going to show up and keep showing up.
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At some point in the future; I will be able to walk down that original neighborhood; walk right by my old house and feel like id lived there all my life and turned out fine; Independent; not being bothered by anything; totally present and independent. This is where I'm headed; the psychological makeup of self; this is what I'm turning into..
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Purpose; The other subject. This is primarily the main subject; Because in the paradigm shifts I've had; they began from a point of; I asked God to show me my purpose because I was no longer interested in the past or needing or being a victim; I'm now moving into the creator stage of my life with Gods help; we are co creating my life together.
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What can I say; Lots of meditations and praying to God... Looking for impulses to show up; little forth-site's that move me to the left or right that I may go down the path of least resistance to become myself once again.
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Right now; I'm not that person yet; I'm still in the past and then I see myself; like looking through a looking glass at the past; However, part of me is with me from the past; the key now is to get the rest of me back up to 2022; and that is very close. I'm flip of a switch away. However, I have to enter that house and then the room to flip the switch and I'm not even in that neighborhood yet. So; a big back between where I'm at right now and the new me becoming signs of a whole person or at least a survivor that has successfully started over. And this person will materialize but basics have to be re done and a handful of those basics do not exist yet; they are in the child in the past and part of that child is separated from me; a gap resides between us and I cant get there from here. A journey must occur.
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And all of this is still nerve wracking but Ill survive. I have no idea what God has instore to help me on a daily bases but it seems to be showing up. And if it continues Ill make it past an insecure state and start trusting again and believing again. ITs as if I'm coming back to life but have successfully done so by not bringing the monsters of the past with me; I'm becoming me on my own terms separate from anyone of my childhood. This is so important because it means I made it. I was able to hang on long enough to get re established within other communities and groups to a point of being recreated. And to stand on my own to feet once again.
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SO; I was sleeping and got up; and although further along then a few years before; I still feel freaked out; My nervous system; a freaked out person who feels unsafe.
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I'm working with God on my purpose. Thats what continuously comes up now. The point is; I keep it alive and I will and Ill focus on that. " God; what is my purpose; Thank you God for telling me my purpose. This is not easy and it a kind of long term thing and I have to be diligent about it every day and keep studying those things from successful people on how and what to do; how to act. How to change. And I will and I am.
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I have to remember; maybe I don't see any results yet that is huge; but small things are showing up; and I will continue on a daily basis to reinforce; What is My Purpose; over n over over; Ill do this as long as it takes until this journey begins or gets stronger and I see movement.
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I never thought this was going to be an easy movement or journey; I knew this was going to unearth many deaths I've experienced in this life.
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All of this will begin to build momentum on a daily basis; and this will send me down a journey.
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This is like a war; it starts and its not over until its over; so completion is the only journey. However, I'm aware of what I'm getting into; This is like a train ride on Amtrack taking me from one side of the country to the other ripping through forests and everglades and sleek white tundra onto desert sands and through mountains and villages onto roads and bi ways and finally to destinations in big cities.
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My purpose must be strengthened because Ill know what to do outside. And thus; I because of the work I'm doing now; I wont have to do it later.
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allot of prayer and meditation and watching for impulses around me that lead me to the path of least resistance.
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As of right now; my mind is filled with build a make shift music studio in my room; something like that; so; Ill keep working on all of this. My mind opening up.
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As it sits; I'm in my apartment; I've learned to keep it clean; I've learned to pay the rent earlier. I'm now less freaked out that my monthly check might be taken from me by the government. I go to 12 step meetings; I've learned to ask just about everyone for a ride on a daily basis. So I have people coming and going from the meetings. I've been able to ask them and ride with them talk with them.
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I've been a mountain biker for years. Now I'm getting to old. I can still ride down some trails.
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So; some changes have occur'd
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The rest of life I'm hiding in my apartment from. I like plastic model kit building I guess; I collected a million models and I like having them around but I never build them; to close to reality I guess and safety and trust.
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My mind is still back in childhood slowly getting to know it again; but it wants to come out; its kind of been taken hostage.
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I think at some point with the recovery work; That part of my childhood will slowly get inline with my inner being and me and join us. I think right now I'm just naturally experiencing memories of my childhood and grieving them. I think at some point the child in my will slowly learn how to take those ambitions of that time and goals and dreams and realize he can bring them into the present and begin to work with God on building them in the present and that he really didn't lose the parts of his childhood that he all ready experienced. ITs kind of like a child going on vacation at the lake; He doesn't want to leave and feels remorse that he must leave and come home; My childhood is the same way; a section or time period of it. It was a wonderful thing and I created it on my own. My mother was being controlled by my father so she could not interfere; she would dare. So I was left to roam around and make a life for myself in my neighborhood. At some point it all began to fade as my grades in school faded; no one was helping me at all nothing and my life started fading away; my mind set was; when I get older Ill leave and do something for myself so I can start my real life. That never happened; I was pulled from my home and thrown away and then all traces of my home and neighborhood and school; everything was erased as if I had never lived there or was ever born.
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So; if I've made one thing clear; I keep working with the universe on Purpose until those pathways show up; until I know my first steps. And i don't right now; The child me in; my Inner Child; automatically goes back to the ages of about 5 to 8 and relives that. Work has to be done to heal this part of my childhood so the child in me is grown more and ready to try something new for development. The child in me goes back to childhood; automatically; The goal so to strengthen the present so the child will come fourth in interest into the present and take over want to find a pathway in the present to seek his purposeful journey in life; This also means he realizes this journey is just an extension of his childhood; Hes going from childhood to this journey; nothing is being taken away and of course he is afraid of giving up is living ground in his childhood; its already been stripped from him numerous times while the monsters were trying to destroy him over n over n over.
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So; the child in me must make his own decision to move on or move forward; its my job to give him all the openness and leeway to do so. I have to be the parent guardian of this child However; I have to work with God to make something in the present for this child to come to.
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The child within me; Inner child has to be built up stronger Thus becoming more present. THe child has to experience grief from leaving that childhood. And the child in me is scared because he does not want to be pulled from his childhood again. So; He is damaged; really damaged; hes been ripped in 2. And is a walking ruptured entity. These monsters who did this were murder's; THey torture people and kill them; in one way or the other. I did not know this; I was 2 young; they had been destroying me from the day I was born and they made a game out of the whole thing; a game I was not aware until it was 2 late; around the age of 9 I became aware but it was 2 late.
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So; Now I work with God and goals and on a daily basis see what can be done to build my own present situation and right now; that situation is about Purpose in life.
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Why is PURPOSE so important for me right now; The concept; Because i don't exactly know what it is; next; it is a very strong goal oriented concept that leads me down a path outside or from my apartment into many different areas of life. ITs the pathway.
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A more important issue is; Its not free; this is no easy quick fix kind of thing. I can feel it; I'm closed off and numb and hardened in many areas and the pathways of my purpose; finding it goes right through that hardness ignorance and closed mindedness; it goes through all that hatred I had for the world. SO; its all getting opened up again. However; God is with me. I'm just starting this long long bouldering journey.
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unfortunately; I was thrown into the lower classes or no classes; the lost homeless kind of classes when young and became brutally hardened and ruthless to survive. All of this has to be bi passed; or broken through. So; I've got allot of stuff to break through and face; I've got my own lies and coward-ess to face.. I have to get stripped of lies so I can build character in its place; I guess! We will see.
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On one front I don't want to do anything; what am I doing anything for; its the same world it was before and I never wanted anything to do with it; I loathed all of it. However, with that attitude; regardless of being justified or right; justified resentments and anger; it has to go; my Purpose in life must go beyond this resentful stage and truly believe in hope,.
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I have been brainwashed into the negative side. My story can tell you why I cant do something or why it wont work. The problem is; I have to have new stories about why things can work and will work because of my confidence and interest and God helping me; I have to have an immediate attitude of why things will work and keep it at that; and that is new and something I've never defended ever; I've never been in that space of that kind of positive freedom. So; that's what I'm looking forward to; getting into that space and defending it.
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Part of my Purpose may be transferring what I believe in to something I really can learn to defend; like a positive outcome and keep going until it attracts to me or I find it and work toward it; because this kind of thing is what got stolen from me when young; I broken and trauma bonded and no longer believed in anything; I became extremely ill from severe trauma. I was no longer present I had no place to go or roam; could not use my mind anymore; No one cared.
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So; Im still ill from trauma; However, Im also interested in finding my purpose so; Ill have it every day working with the universe looking for those first steps forward.
Our partner
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