July 2025
June 2025
Wrote a whole blog and then lost it. Here we go again.
Just got out of a meeting. It was Ok. it was good that I go.
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I think creating music; memorizing what I create and practicing it; and performing it is good for my torn up traumatize dissociated brain. I think its the next step in getting closer to my dissociated condition; its very bad when getting up close to something; touching something; interacting with something; its its that numbing feeling of being hit in the head over n over n over in a fight where I'm getting clobbered. Its like never coming out of that numbness. Cant get close to anything or interact with anything; not up close.
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So; creating something on the piano and learning to stick with it and memorize; getting intimate with it; its a God thing; its to help my condition; its the next challenge; and I can see that.
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ITs strange; the life I live; no one really knows me; nor what is wrong with me; I do; so does the judge and the lawyers and the doctors; no one else does. I'm right where I'm suppose to be.
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I'm in my own realm with my higher power secretly doing the things that will help me get better. Its funny; talking to someone; they think I'm getting better because of what they think I'm doing or because I'm doing something they do... If I'm in one 12 step groups; they think its that 12 step group that's getting me better; if I'm at a psych place; they think its the psychology their teaching that has gotten me better. If I'm in a spiritual situation; they claim its there spiritual teaching; its proof that it works; of course; no one asked me! Thats because they know nothing about anything. There just guessing; they have no depth; its almost like they've watched to much Tv. I just stay silent; some are so arrogant they tell me what they think of my condition to my face. I just stay silent until I can get away from these wicked people. They're just evil.. Pure Evil.
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Purpose;
Finding my purpose is what I'm pursuing now.
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I'm talking to God; praying allot; meditations; guided meditations on finding ones purpose and occupation stuff. I'm writing as if I've found it or I'm writing about the things I want.
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I have a kind of depressed brain. Kind of useless kind of; just catatonic kind; learned helplessness and I went for so long with no one and no hope; Kind of in a state of nothingness.
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Ill call it depression; a constant lack of hope or care or that I can become something.
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However, I don't really believe that. The depression is real; I'm fighting the section of not becoming someone; I know the universe can help me. I just have to keep at it. The dissociative condition purposely bocks me from ever getting close to anything; so I must work with God to slowly work through things and some of those bad things are coming up; especially threats of violence or forms of it within my life from unsafe people. I never fought back; that's how I stayed safe. I would have never been safe to fight. It would have been safer to get the police. The whole thing was 2 much for me when I was younger. This violence associated with sexual abuse and abandonment and neglect and massive human losses of a huge scale when very young has left me almost bunch drunk from severe mental trauma. I'm not home.
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SO; the universe continues to help me. Others around me never knew me and have no idea who or what I am or what my problems really are. I only tell them 1 percent of what's really going on. Most don't seem aware or smart enough to understand this. ITs all OKE. Its all part of Gods plan.
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Right now; I'm focusing on my purpose.... And that's what Ill continue to focus on; However; God has to heal me from being bullied; and those are bad bad horrible memories.
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SO; I keep working with God to slowly learn how to create the life I want for myself and learn how to go after it. But this brings up the gruesome past. To gruesome. And hopefully when I dissociate to survive it; God slowly shows me answers for relief and how to bi pass it; those memories somehow.
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Because I have to heal to become present if I'm going to create a better life for myself; but at those deep levels I'm split like a log.. I'm a human being that's been split into several times.. there's 6 pieces of me; as if someone took an axe and cut me from the head to the toe 6 separate times; I'm 6 of me.
At more casual levels it looks like I've come together; but just beyond the surface lies the real trauma where as one goes deeper; The severed areas of self are apparent and serious. So; Things are changing; And the deeper me needs all the work to heal that I can get. SO; I turn to God.
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So; more meditations and more praying and getting inline with my inner being; alignment.
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I've learned not to take action on compulsion. Instead; I gather the information on what I want and I write stories about being with what I want as if I all ready have it. I might gather together pictures from the internet of the stuff I want; and Ill start praying over all of it; and slowly see if a journey starts toward any of it; I don't take action on it. Meaning I don't buy something on compulsion; I don't help Gods decision making process and buy that new car because I want it and I assume that's what God wants for me when I know that's not true. I'm just using this as an example. I never wanted a specific car or anything from God.
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SO; I'm learning that its great to have dreams and Goals and to work with God to get a good attitude about having these dreams and goals. Breaking the chains of depression and repression is important; its half the problem; I don't believe; and that's part of why I'm doing this kind of work for myself because it forces me to get a good attitude. I have to have a great attitude if I really want something; I have to really learn how to do this; to believe positively I'm getting what I deserve and more... I'm worthy; that's what's needed; so its all good; I mean; all of this only ends up in a better personality.
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Its all good but its also hard on my inner mental condition. I mean; I go deep where I've been ruptured and that's a hard alien land to conquer but I keep at it anyway.
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The point is; Ive got allot of good things going for me in the recovery process that I have discovered; I have to keep at them.
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As I mentioned earlier; I dont take action on compulsion. What do I do then? I gather the information of what I want; I put it all into one big pile and I pray over it and meditate over it. ANd tell the universe Im aligning in Gods vibrational realm with my inner being; over n over n over. Gods will not mine. Thank you God; over n over n over. and I write stories about my new life with my new stuff.
At some point I'm waiting; waiting and watching for an impulse to show up. When I align with my inner being. suddenly I take action toward what I want. However a journey is required before that to close the gap. And I keep pushing on God to help me align for that journey and begin the process. I've noticed that when I follow through suddenly God supplies the next step. Suddenly I align with my inner being; I and my inner being are on the same track at the same time caught up with each other matching each other and suddenly I easily go after the stuff I want; nothing stopping me. These are impulses that tell me I'm on the right track until I align with my inner being and the universe.
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Lets say I wanted a new guitar. Lets say Ive wanted one for year; but no impulses; nothing; Ill start working with the universe and alignment; meditation. Suddenly I get this natural urge to look up music scales and learn them; thats where it starts. suddenly Im looking up lessons for guitar. Suddenly Im curious about maybe writing a song on guitar. So; maybe I get some software with a guitar model in it and I can use my mouse to pluck the strings of this online virtual guitar. ANd than it hits; Im ready to fool around with a real guitar; I get this urge. SO; I call a friend and ask him if hes got a guitar I can play; just a basic guitar; I want to write something for the guitar; some music; I can feel the urge to sit down with a guitar and play the guitar. Lets say Ive now fooled around with a guitar for a few weeks; suddenly out of know where; I get this massive urge to get up get on the phone and call my credit card company and ask them to send me a credit card because Im going to buy my first guitar. And I mean there is no gap; and no resistance. Everything is in natural alignment. My inner being and I are in unison. I get the credit card. and for the last 10 days Ive been looking up different guitars from online music stores to see what I might want and Im praying all the time over this and meditating over all of this. Suddenly without think the right guitar shows up on one of the pages. With credit card in hand; I order it. And there it is. All in alignment.
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It seems when I go down this extra pathway in the GAP and shore things up; suddenly the universe can see I'm taking action and I'm serious and thus the universe begins to help out.
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MONEY; One area I've had problems with is MONEY. If I don't have the money but I've found the guitar; Something is not right yet. And I don't act.
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I have to learn to believe the universe will bring down the walls and money will come to me and I will receive it gladly.
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I will not buy compulsively. God also has to bring the money and that's a whole other subject. If the universe does not; I don't move. Something is wrong with my manifestation or my attitude about really believing. If I really believe I'm suppose to get then the universe will do something.
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I was a mountain biker for 20 years. I'm to old now. I mean; Ill go out and ride in the summer time down local trails but that's it; no crazy stuff; been there and done that to a reasonable point.
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I got a call one time from someone; I really wanted and needed a mountain bike; I really needed it for my mental health. I really did; sending out strong signals to the universe. I got this phone call from someone who told me they wanted to buy me a mountain bike but didn't know why! They just wanted to; And they did; the exact one I was thinking about. After receiving the bike; the same person did not want me around; They went back to hating me again. Had nothing to do with the bike; they were evil; but the universe used them for my desires. But once the universe unlocked them from there interest in me; they went back to being a psychopath and wanted nothing more to do with me. Like I said; it had nothing to do with a bike... It had everything to do with the universe.
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And I've got allot of stories like that one...
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Right now I'm in the middle of another venture of interest; it requires certain machines. So; I have allot of pictures of all these little machines Id love to have that all work together and of course Ill need a general laid out diagram and area for that diagram to put these machines in there proper positions of work. Do I have the money for these things. Will I actually use these things; do I want them because by having them Ill feel better; will I even use them. If I am to have any of these hobby; Ill have to prove to the universe I'm all ready doing that kind of hobby work but with less machines; maybe only on paper. And Ill pray to the universe for help to go down the right journey and develop until I hit that place the universe is willing to supply the rest to me. Regardless; its all about working with the universe; spotting those impulses that take me down the next pathway that leads to what I'm looking for. The pathway of least resistance; my inner being knows this pathway.
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So; instead of just asking the universe for one more machine; Ill ask the universe for the next step and pathway and how to take action on it from where I'm at now. And Ill keep that up until I hit the main pathway and my inner being I match up; are in unison with each other. Usually that means I've all ready been doing similar work and all ready taken action; vibrational action; emotional action. I'm all ready creating little machines and tearing them down and putting them back together and playing with them enthusiastically as if I'm working with the real machines. When the universe sees this; suddenly more comes to me and the real machines start showing up out of nowhere. Thats the idea.
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So; I'm willing to ask the universe for the next step right now. and show some enthusiasm for it.
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So; I'm working on my purpose; I'm in the realm of it; its vast; its lonely isolated-Ness; Its a season; Its a realm. Its vast; I don't know how long it will take to get up to an even speed for any of this; 6 months; a year; I've never done this before and I feel I'm walking into a new place with new vocabulary and vast amount of experiences I don't have. I'm an ignorant Newby to all this; I have no idea how long any of this will take to feel like I'm really in the middle of that realm called Purpose. I don't know. SO; Ill keep working with God on it and meditations concerning direction and purpose.
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Ive all ready had a few paradigm shifts in the last weeks. We will see.
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