July 2025
June 2025
So; On FB groups; I write and write... I dump allot of feelings and expose allot of stuff; but every few months I emotion and get nailed back into FB jail. 7 days.. no 30 day nock off's.... So; hopefully Ill learn.. I don't know a replacement so... Lots of trauma groups I can write on and blog and post and comment and its important for my recovery and growth.
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Adulthood.
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With developmental trauma disorder; I worked from age -zero to zero.. I finally started at zero and worked my way up through college level. At least it seems Ive touched on some of those aspects of opportunities; things thought about in college age. Im at this point that if I want to accomplish something in the real world; Ill ask you for help; I have to because I don't understand how to function in the outside world; what age is that... 25-30-15-12; I don't know what age. I've got'n that far...
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So; or; However, Ive gone into man hood for certain points; thats good; but I want to go into adulthood.. And that means relationships; money; car... vacations and stuff; doing something with my talents; cleaning up... keeping my place clean.
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Im scared and afraid and I have fear; I will pray to God about how to handle this fear of reality because its reality I'm going into for these things.
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Today; it's about understanding that I made mistakes when I was young because I didn't follow God. Following God means following God. I didn't; I followed my pushing feelings and they were motivated by sex or lust or greed; but I didn't know; over powering dominating... Thats not God. It's been said in recovery groups that a lack of personal power in life caused all this; I believe it. Im right at the beginning of that; see what happens. I'll need all the help I can get. Ill be holding someones hand like. little kid out in the real world for the rest of my life.. and they will always be with me; Ill never be doing anything out here without a wingman; ever... I cant; I'm blind and I cant get up. Ill always need help; my mind is sensitive and always somewhere else..
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I have to understand; many things are not meant for me; Ill follow through with them this time with the help of others and see if those things are right for me; its possible Im following my lusts again and greed and slothfulness and reacting to fear and Pride; and that is the pathway Im following and don't know it.. I think its God but its not... And I'll need others with me to catch me in the fall.... So I can learn and get back inline with the right pathways...
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Im not sure what the right pathways are; I'm learning what the wrong ones are... They are not working.
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I'll talk more about my first love.
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One area that attracted me; I thought she was like me; broken and not loved and needing love. I was sure of it; sure of it; sure of it; sure of it; sure of it; (pause); I was wrong. She survived without me. No God told her to like me; stay with me or make sure not to loose me. but I wanted so badly to think so. She had a mother and father and they had money; or enough money. It seemed to me what was missing in her life was love; someone to truly love her with all their heart and that would be me.
The problem was; Who ever she really was; maybe she did maybe she didn't need someone to love her; but it wouldn't be me that she wanted; she didn't want me. But she played me and didn't care; Why!.
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This is very important because I judged the situation on what I saw. I saw and felt things about the situation and I was wrong... I was dead wrong; completely wrong; completely incorrect. She was fine; it was nothing but a game; thats all it was. and I just cant live with that; that what I was was a stage act; someone staging a game in front of me; a lie. Thats what it was; nothing but a complete lie. They're was no one there that wanted me and no one there that liked me. I just so damn wanted it to be and as she Was playing me and leading me on; I grabbed at anything she through out because I didn't know any better; I got innocently strung along and had no idea it was happening and then suddenly I was destroyed.
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Im having a hard time with this; Im seeing my mind switch out from this reality into something with more feeling pleasure so I don't have to deal with this reality. Something about the reality of this not being able to accept it.. Its like; it was the last straw for me and I could not accept my Pride being destroyed. The fact is; it was pure evil She was pure evil and I willingly walked into a trap of pure evil. Its as if I did not like myself and I allowed myself into the realm of pure evil and then I was burned alive and kicked out. I thought I had a home with them; with that evil. But I didn't; God would not allow me to be in a house of evil and make a home out of it. They booted me out because I was with God. And now I understand that; but at the time; what a horrible thing.
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I wanted to save her so badly; but it was all in my head. I never felt good enough for her; not to have a real relationship; and this is a whole other story that needs to be brought out and looked at. I was mad because I was presented with the ability to date her and didn't feel good enough for it. And I have to look at this pride thing. How to over come that. I didn't feel good enough; I didnt have the things a girl like that would require in the future; no way. and I didnt have the courage or the character to tell her the truth; I liked her but she would have to accept me the way I was; and if she would; I would give her a chance. but I couldnt; I wouldn't allow myself to go that low to even be with someone I would have to explain that to; that was 2 much... Pride., I dont know what I was suppose to do. Obviously I didnt feel safe. It would have been like going out with a snake charmer. Is that what I really wanted. I wanted to change her. I thought their was potential to change her... But who was I. Could I back that up. I guess for the feelings I had for her it was worth finding out. But something went wrong; I didnt have the courage to talk to her; was I suppose to have the courage to talk to her. I realized later; it meant nothing to her if she never saw me again; how can this be.
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So; who ever I thought she was; I was wrong. And I have a horrible time with my pride accepting this. I thought I was in full control. Looks like I really didnt know this person. I knew nothing about her; I was completely wrong about the person. And it doesnt look like she needed me and she didnt want me; she laughed me off and didnt take me seriously. So; who ever she was; was not looking for me.
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I gave her my confidence. meaning I chanced her; acted like I really liked her; But did it. Or did I like someone I had created in my head about her. Because I was wrong. if I never saw her again; I would die; I loved being around her and with her; why? It was a lie! Thats the part I feel so humiliated with. Nothing was there. What does that mean about me; it means I had a mis calculation. I was wrong; wrong about everything; all of it; and that is hard on me; makes me feel like a loser who shouldn't even be alive. I just wanted to be dead and die.. And go away and never come back. I couldnt seem to do anything right.. Not even make the right decisions on having a friend; whats the use. what was the point of living. didnt seem like their was one.
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I made a mistake when it came to finding someone to love and someone I could call a friend; I had all my hopes and dreams and they were dashed. How could I have made such a huge blunder; a huge mistake like this; How!
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Now I realize; I didnt have God on my side... Nor was I going in the right direction. The other big problem; I was trying to be God Jesus in this girls life; I was going to be her savior; Im not a savior; God is a savior; not me! and it back fired because I couldn't keep it up; I was being destroyed from the family system I was living with; eaten alive and I was slowly disappearing has a human being; I was being erased. I finally succumb to it. But did not want to admit it. I did not want to admit that I needed the girl and could not be her savior unless she could accept that I was not who I claimed to be; I was in real trouble. When all this happened; I clammed down and shut myself up... I was then laughed at by her and her family as being a weakling.
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I stopped and thought; I will not associate with this type of filth that turns on someone when their in trouble; Why would I be in these peoples houses; These are not my values. Who are these people; they are complete strangers; what am I doing here. They are not friends of mine; and they dont have my values; the dream got popped. Thats what happened; I had a dream and they popped it and I came to reality and saw where I was at. It was if I was living in a dream world and it got popped; like a balloon getting popped.
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I seemed to care what they thought of me; what she thought of me. I was not going to change her mind if she thought I was a weakling; I thought she liked me.
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I thought she liked me; This was the first mistake; my self centered narcissism
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I found myself going up to strangers houses and walking into their houses to make my dreams come true; as if I was back in my original house at 8 years old. And they were going to take over where my original parents let off; and when they found out I was mental like this; they laughed at me and throw me out; no longer took me seriously and laughed me to scorn. And that devastated me... And that really hurt me to death. And Im embarrassed to admit it. That they had that much power but I was so broken and imbalanced and feeble and week and really not in reality; I was full of PTSD very badly and not present and they found out and asked me to leave basically because I was an imposter and a fake. And I wanted so badly to be loved and taken care of and honored and have a place to call my own and to be accepted and loved and I wanted to believe so badly that God put these people in my direction for such things but when I found out he didnt; thats when all hell broke loose; I just could not accept that I was wrong. Not on something this big; I didnt want to live anymore; I felt like a complete loser. super loser... no real purpose in life and couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even fool these people into giving me a chance; they saw right through me.
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So; I wanted to be loved and helped because I was in real trouble and thought God has sent me to these people for them to take care of me and help me; But they slapped me down and I was in shock that it wasnt God... or Godly; I was shocked; my ego was shocked that this was not Godly; that I was wrong and I had led myself and her into the wrong scenario. I was leading strangers into a dead end... And I was so embarrassed about this. I picked myself up and walked off and never returned. I tried a few times more; showed up maybe or I called her to see if she wanted to hang out or do homework with me; she said no; So I hung up; I did not try to make her do anything; If she was with God; and she had already saw what I was like; she would have been with me or wanted to be with me. I could not understand why she didnt want to be with me. I was frustrated and angry. I dont understand why she didnt want me...
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Now I get it. She didnt want me because she never wanted me in the first place. I was never asked to go up to her house... I was brought o her house. That house never wanted me... They never wanted me... no one their wanted me; so what was I doing their? I came to ply my goods. To sell myself and see if I could be accepted but why? If God had set this up; I would not have to do anything. And I thought God had set this up and thats why I had faith in it; but I was 110% dead wrong about everything.
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Now; I believe God gave me the right answer concerning this; That even if I was going to die because of this; it was my blunder; these people had no idea who I was or what kind of person I was. When they realized they were dealing with my problems; they were like; " Who is this stranger that is bringing all these problems to us".
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I felt like I was (pause); " That Close"! So very close to pulling it off; But then the acting job got busted and I got thrown out on my face and time to leave... Go find some other suckers to ply my trade to. But I thought I was actually fooling them. What I didnt realize is; they were fooling me. And I never saw it. it never worked. I tried to talk or sell my way into another life and these people didnt buy into it. They through me out... And that was that. They never let me come back ever again..
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Obviously they were not from God... There was no God connection there; with those people; any of them; So what was I doing there? That was a good question. How did any of this get started in the first place.
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God wanted me to go somewhere; but where! I did not know... or I didnt want to know.
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So; how was my self worth around women at that time; nothing I guess; un known; I was 2 young to know; I was just learning... just being exposed and I had to go through all this horror and disillusionment... and hatred; because thats what it was; it was hatred toward me; lets get that strait; these people hated me; thats what this was all about; they were pure evil; 100%l; like 100% orange juice; its 100% percent. I was hated through and through. They did not care who I was and did not care or need to ever see me ever again... And I never knew this was going to turn out like this. I thought I had this down. Thought I was in. I was wrong; the gig was up and I got thrown out on my teeth. And that meant I had to go back home where I started from a place of abuse and hatred toward me... And I thought; whats the use... no God is on my side.
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I thought God has brought me a house of people I could live on and live with and be friends with and they were my saviors; but I was wrong; O so wrong; underneath was the fires of hell.
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No one liked me; This girl did not like me... Who did I think I am and what did I think I was doing. and what did I think I was doing it with? I was roasted and fillet before I even knew what was going on.
So; lost and I had to leave the way I came. Hard to forget about.
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But the point is; its always hard to forget about the false free evil I almost thought I manipulated into being my own. it was pure evil and my pure evil heart wanted it so. But the good part of me wanted to throw it up and get rid of it. Get rid of he poison And come back home to God. For I left God and I was on my own and lost. And I found the house of hell and I found the house of the witch and I was destroyed there.
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As for my best friend growing up. Im over that... Well; no; yes! yes I am; but a few memories still remain but hopefully with time they will be viewed by the God within me correctly. By the child in me. Ill see them for what they really are and let go of them knowing they are evil.
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So; for the best friend I had; false friends; Purdy much understood I had no friend; 100% understood. And when I look back; I purposely ignore that monster.
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As for the first girl I loved; well; im doing the work on that right now so I can end up seeing her as I saw my best friend; same lie. No one really there; just my delusional thinking. no one really there.
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If I was to use one sentence or statement concerning all of this; " No One Really There".
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Im trying to come back to reality and see this for what it was; I was desperate for love and acceptance and safety so I ran to the nearest people that would take me and throw myself on them and offer myself as their new family... All I really got where con men taking advantage of me; including women. I was conned by can man and con women.
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I hate the idea of con women taking advantage of me; but thats what happened. its all a lie... everything I hoped would happen; it was a pipe dream. the people I tried pulling this on were even shocked... They asked me to leave and never come back....
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Ok; thats enough for tonight; Ill resume more in the morning or when ever and at some point I will let go more n more until they do not exist in my brain anymore ...
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