July 2025
June 2025
Ive moved into 2 new philosophies concerning; Relationships & Activities... or Relationships and Production... Im moving into the present; Ive moved into the present...
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First philosophy concerns relationships...
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Summary paraphrase of past history;
Thus; all relationships stopped at a point; or potential relationships stopped at a point because I could neither tell the other person how I felt about them; nor could I tell them why I was associating with them; Not clear on my goal; nor could I tell them what I wanted from them. I could not ask for help. I could not tell them I wanted help or needed help or their help. I could not ask them for what I wanted. I wanted to tell them they were worth the fight. I could do nothing; I was disabled emotionally mentally verbally. No family; no stability; nothing!
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The solution;
Ive gained a new philosophy. Its the beginning of the start... Its mine; its ingrained internalized; ITs what I stand for. It belongs to me created by me; and By God.... Its a new philosophy for a new resurrected body..
I will learn how to ask for what I want; I already believe enough. Willing for what I want is what Im working on... No one owes noth'n. I have support tho; lots of it; I would never attempt this alone; ever ever; nor expect anyone else to. I would never attempt such changes without support.
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The goal is; to be able to tell someone how I feel about them; ask them for what I want; tell them I need their help and let them know they are worth the fight. And go from there. If Im not willing to tell them these things; I may truly believe I deserve a beautiful women in my life; but it will never happen; and it wont be her fault. Sunny Jesus has let me know; their is only so fare I can push anyone concerning a relationship; meaning; put the responsibility on their shoulders to make things happen; It has been noted to me from Jesus Holly spiritus; that I must at least conquer and profess these basics when dealing with a women; that she get the message anyway I can get it to her of how I feel about her; what I want from her; meaning; I want a relationship; that I need her help with the relationship and that she is worth the fight. I must at least be able to tell her that much.
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NOTE: Ill work with God on who comes down the God pathway..
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2nd Philosophy; Concerns production and activities...
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Summary paraphrase of Activity past history;
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From an early age; Lots of dreams; no dreams come true; no realty... I was not aware of just how alone I was. By the time Im 5 Im reaching out to other families and spending time at their houses; to much time..
Im not developing. Im slowly being suffocated out of my development.
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Music Art and a work ethic!
After many years in the recovery process; and working with God; Im well on my way to discovering a belief and method to be willing and motivated to change my attitude about giving life another chance; And the interest in a work ethic associated with some of the therapeutic developmental exercises God sent me to rehabilitate within; and practice; Is a good start. ( its all practice for mental health purposes). And music and art are a calling; a calling to practice. At this point they require work ( The idea is to wake up into reality). The more work I put forth into finding out how to become willing to work within a work ethic( to believe again); the closer to relief I become. Im looking for more results; the more I sacrifice to work my way into getting better at the work ethic; The more solid I become in these areas; the more responsable ( "responsable" is an awaking good thing these days) I become; the more results I have to give to the world and seek a direction( the more satisfied I am at what Im doing; learning how to take responsibility for that change of attitude toward working with the concept of Willingness in work ethic. I realized; No work finished? No reward; and its time to assess the situation. No work means; I have nothing to say because I have nothing to show. I cant pick a direction of what to do with my artistic abilities if I had no work to barter with the world; I would be in a deeper state of Unicorn fantasies; more then I am now; if I keep up this utopian Disneyland dylusion dream world and not come back to reality; not fight to get back in reality on a daily basis with God's help; Ill amount to dreaming my life away instead of facing things if I refuse the exercises to mentally wake up.
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NOTE; In dysfunction; I learned when young; facing things would not get me anywhere; only more brutal trauma. Im now learning how to trust again and become debugged of that brainwashing death curse. Im working to work through the rupturing of my personality.
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More History; Video games and Model kits;
Where am I at now?; I went from several years interacting with a few video games ( altho I bought many games; hundreds and hundreds ( and it was so satisfying and fun); Ive played the beginning of 10; and its all good; and they might be all I needed to complete Gods quest for that part of the development work ethic I needed)(to interact react and participate). Relearning how to work at things and not quit; and I've collected a lot of plastic model kits to work on; Video games and model kits; my authentic life hobbies; These are Pre-Work Ethic ( this is what 12 year olds work on before they work in the real world when older; its pre work ethic; and God sent it to me to practice); These are and were helping me learn how to interact again with things; and learn how to trust and grow.. It helps with Developmental Trauma Disorder; and that's the point of this work.
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More about equipment and a new purpose.
Suddenly; my development moves from video games; Its all moved into Art software and writing software and more music software and equipment for music creation and exploration and Art creation... And writing stories and creating a new basic channel on Youtube for my stories; Stories put into video form; a form that hosts Art work and narration; speaking words; speaking a story; and that is the goal. And I posted part of a story; just to say I followed through and did it.
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crafting music;
What does it take to create music; Massive work! Lots of work involved; To follow through and complete something! what does it take to perform music with my machines; massive work involved. Lots of work ( Horrible levels of commitment). I have to do the work to get somewhere; Take full responsibility; take full respond-ability; work with God; trust God; SLowly; (ANd the idea is); after creating finished projects; take it outside to the public and perform it; Because performing what Ive created in my room is the goal; Performing is more of a goal then even creating it because thats the true intention of the work( THis is from God); The trauma of exposing myself in the outside world does not sound fun; However; I learn how to be responsable for myself. I create in my room; but what I create I take out to the people and perform... That's the idea; and to have something to perform; something has to be created and finished to completion. I have to get involved.
Its about believing again... Becoming that dedicated committed sacrificing guy in what I believe in. And Getting involved in something; or things again. Only; this time; I have to go out on my own to get involved; and absolutely possible I think today; when I evaluate the possibility ( I wont report on it until Ive done it) Im just writing my philosophy; my opinion; I mean; that gap is what I believe Is shored up; and thats what Ive been working on; Those gaps; running bridges across those gaps in my imagination with God's help. Its helping a great deal to imagine what I want before I get it; And what I want is therapeutic help and development.
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Another round with God;
So; its not over yet... Ill keep going; get back on my knees all the time to God and keep praying and working with concepts on paper that open my mind spiritually. The idea is to become independent through taking responsibility for my life; life decisions.
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NOTE); Relationship dysfunction and Work Ethic ( activities) dysfunction Seem to originate from the same disease'd area of my brain. Im dissociated from both; with a large gap between where Im at and the reality of what is needed. The answer for both is the same; I have to learn how to participate and interact again. Sexual abuse and being completely abandon from the family I came from when young are to blame; and many other abuse reasons; However; Im now working with God for more relief and ways to gain relief...
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Im not all here and I haven't healed yet; still much more work to do; all is practice in the backyard of life. Breaking out is the goal... Taking responsibility for my life is the goal; responsibility for every movement.
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