June 2025
May 2025
Its a bit complex but the universe is trying to help me make other breakthroughs with women work and independence.
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As for women and everything; I became passive aggressive after dealing with my parents and what they were and what they did to me. My mother literally was trying to kill me; destroy me or turn me into a hardened criminal that would have stayed in prisons for life. But that never happened; I got mental illness instead; not that a psychopath like my mother cares; they do not... They see humans as animals they can hunt.... I had no future with them... or the areas I lived at, at the time I was forced to live with them...
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When very young I was in a fantasy bond so I had some good experiences at first... In reality when very young I was being used but didnt know it; When I became about 7 I began to see it...
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So; the problem is; going into a passive aggressive state; how to come out of it.
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I find myself around allot of people from the 12 step groups that are similar to my mother and father and I battle to work through them or move on from them; I work with the universe God on this stuff. I have no choice but to be passive around them and move around them but stay away from them... Its like training camp that I can get better mental health...
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Im starting to realize what is happening... Im beginning to realize that from an earlier life period the people I associated with were no good; they thought I was white trash... In reality they were simply evil and I should have backed out slowly as soon as I realized these negatives that were being thrown eat me.. These were not safe people and not people for me to ever associate with because they bombarded my identity... They were trying to cut me down; cut down my free independent spirit; thats all they were trying to do; They were not my friends. The more I look back the more angry I get about spending so much time with these fake people; I had not idea I was hanging around the enemy the whole time; what a waist; they were not safe; they had a pure contempt or hatred for me... They just has a hatred for a stranger showing up in there lives and their families lives; I wasnt wanted. I could never see it. Now I see that their son was never a friend of mine; I was being manipulated. I guess I played the underdog mascot and never knew what was going on until it was 2 late. I was devastated... They did not look like the type of people that would do this. However, I must remember; I was a small boy when I first met them; so I was out of the main circle; I was 2 young.
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So; I decide who I am and my identity; not other people. Im around many people that are trying to decide my identity; these are sociopaths and other freaks at the meetings I go to...
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Im now asking God how much longer I need to go to those places. I dont want to spend the rest of my life fighting sociopaths at meetings... Im not sure how to win against them; they just cheat... cant win against that; waist of time...
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Im starting to see the similarities of the people I have friction with and my mother; or my interactions with my mother... the abuse... and what it did to me. It is that abuse Im trying to get over; Im trying to face the fear of the abuse... The psychopath wants to trap the human animal; get it vulnerable so it has no place to run... So it cant escape and watch the demoralizing effects of such things; they are trying to kill the human animal.. thats the goal. They are trying to get away with anything they can against other humans.
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ITs actually not smart to interact with a sociopath without a cop.. better to always just call the police and let them deal with them...
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So; Ive work on these things; these changes up to this point to the present.
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Im making sweeping changing; but maybe not quit that much but close; I mean; my facility is coming back; my mental faculties are showing signs of improvement... The price is heavy...
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So; where do I go from here.
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As for anyone from the past; Besides another and father or actual adults that bullied or sexually abused me; besides these monsters; my goal is to work a 4th step on them until all resentments are gone.
Im also working a 4th step on the adults that abused me like my mother and father and others; Sexual abuse by others... people I had to live with no escape. Ill have to work through that.
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Ill write about these things and keep working on my role in all of this so I can learn how to escape this time.
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as for other resentments with fake friends and girls I loved from the past; Ill work on my role in these resentments until their names dont need to come up anymore.
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I lost allot of personal power and was powerless and in a state of dependency; had to go to these people to be taken care of... I had to be like the chameleon to fit in; I had to become them when I was around... I had no identity of my own; only the one that would fit in to survive around them so I didnt get thrown away.... But that is not friendship; A number of these people I had no business being around; we had nothing in common... and I was so passive aggressive I couldn't function around them or anyone else. Im now dealing with some of that passive aggression; just some of it; a really new start in all of this... mainly my mental illness has dropped by a substantial percentage of taking advantage of controlling my view of reality. Im not as insane as I used to... Or I am; Im just in my right mind about it; Im more aware of everything. Im not back yet...
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Cleaning up and still having a hard time understanding how to stand up for myself; Im so used to shutting down to protect myself; Im still doing this as an adult and its not really working at all times...
Im barely learning how to run away from bad people when I see them... im still in freeze mode when they appear. Im learning to just run away... I still havent learned to simply not associate with them...
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Its as if Im trauma bonded to every stranger I meet.
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I still have to work through the resentments with or surrounding my mother; it affects my ability to get close to anyone; it keeps me a loner in this life.. Her opinion of me was to die and that I was no good and worthless to the point being beneath life itself; And that brainwashing has to go. But I got hit with it from an early age...
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So; I have to start at the beginning with my mother; meaning when writing on resentment work using the 4th step tools of 12 step groups.
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The goal is to get down to the root causes from the beginning And see how I reacted to her every time I dealt with her so I can become free of it and free of her and live my life again; its a start..
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I have allot of repressed dissociated feelings way down where I cant feel them.. anger and hostility and hatred and unbelievable treatment I experienced.. unbelievable. And What to do about it. and where to go from here.
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I have a God I pray to all the time. However, im still in survival mode on these issues and would like to be free of terror and fear from these things and come back to reality as my real self again.
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So; as for past relationships of any kind; Im looking to work the 4th step on these issues until Im only looking at my behavior and how I reacted to these situations.. And as I write this I can already see I started all those situations. I dont remember one kid when I was young ever coming up to me to start a friendship or want to hang out; it was always me finding them. If I had stopped associating with them or calling them; all of this would have permanently stopped..
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Ive spent the last years of my life hanging around people that thought me weak when in reality; it was passive aggression and resentment and anger. I hung around others that cause passive aggression in others. So; Ive spent all this time around abusers like the ones that destroyed me when young; Its all I know. And its trauma bond city... thats all I know....
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Im now working with the universe to get out of this; get away from these monsters.. stop trying to change them or become friends with them. However, they were needed for growth in the beginning; Not all of them; but most... And I did get the help; but they didnt know the real me and thats OKE.
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Other areas Im learning about. As for learning a new skill; very hard for me; scares me to death because I cant trust the world around me as Im pre occupied with learning this new skill... Im to afraid of attack from surrounding areas...
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Im passive aggressive from the PTSD and Dissociative disorder... Looking back; thats all I was even when young.
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So; how do I break out of this and stop being afraid. iTs like everyone is a potential bully and Im 5 years old... and Im vulnerable to attack... and cant defend myself; thats the way it feels; Im at the mercy of every scum bag that comes along.
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The learning of skills.
lets say I want to learn how to play the guitar and sing a self written song and perform it; It would be brutally hard for me; more then the average person; 10 times harder to interact with all of that.. When I start; even if I think about starting; I dissociate. And that is a hard thing to forge if Im in control...
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So; at least now I know buying new guitars will not solve the problem and never solve the problem.
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im at the place to learning hard work because its the only thing that will help me... Ill work with the universe on how to go about it one small step at a time.
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