July 2025
June 2025
Phase 5 #4 Reality; not perfect; better then before
Better to be awake if one can handle it...
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Its not easy waking up; and Im waking up...
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My background is simple; I was stripped of my early life and thrown away; and here I am now.
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Im just now waking up from my mental condition... That means what it means. I am legally waking up now.
Im sure allot of people wont be; so I need to be grateful.
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Its not easy waking up; because; as I wake up to some freedom; I realize all the people from the past that wanted me snuffed out and killed or destroyed or burned alive and dead; they were not nice . They simply wanted me dead. I was like an insect they wanted splattered on the window-shield of a car. I was not wanted by anyone; any human beings... very few... maybe a few on the southside; no one else.
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Its hard waking up to a past life that passed away because I was not wanted and thrown away... Its not easy feeling all that again... or being able to feel it again. I remember; I remember the feelings. However; I have this belief Ill get it all back. Ill get myself back...
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However, most of those people proved out to be spoiled scumbag filth... Not human... So; However, still plenty of regular people who did not treat me right...
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I did not expect all of that. I was not prepared for that so I went to sleep and just now Im starting to wake up; Im waking up because of the massive work load of recovery accomplished with GOds help over half my life time... Im very lucky; but then Ive been in the rooms and lives of the recovery process for a long time.. Ive put out allot of hours of work... lots of it... several millennium fulls.
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Anyway;
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Im starting to wake up and get used to it.
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Its apparent to me that no relationship prospect ever valued me or liked me or cared either way. No one wanted me in a relationship and no one that ever got into one with me wanted to stay in a relationship with me. Most at some point wanted me away from them. Im actually a nice guy; but Im not really spoiled like the way some of these people were; Not like that; not like someone who is born into a safe situation or family system. I was housed when young then thrown away... And here I am.
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Im from the trauma class not the middle classer's.... I simply dont fit in there... I just dont; they are an alien breed to me... I have nothing in common with them at most levels... Im fine with them as long as they dont bother me or talk to me Im fine with them as long as they keep their distance. They are not part of my Experience on planet earth... To me they are spoiled people and can be; entitled types... Not really my business; but they can stay away from me!~ Not that I think about them; but I was forced to when young because they caused all the problems... Anyway; They are an alien culture to me; Thats my personal view of them in my country... I have nothing in common with them... Even the language I use many similar words but my words have completely different meanings; only known of value to those in the Trauma tribe...
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OKE: Onto more important things....
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As I wake up; many things are possible. However, for good or worse; Im damaged goods and in a life awakened; I have the same walls I had when young; mental emotional walls; they were never dealt with; I was overwhelmed and put to sleep and thus did not ever have the cards dealt to me to deal with the vast past problems thrown on me!
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So; as I slowly wake up; Im hit with the same problems I had through my life. They've not been dealt with. So; Being older; they should be figured out sooner than later; meaning; Ill be able to work with the universe on these problems and receive new incites on what to do about them.
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Its hard but possible; its really really hard; these walls; but they will be slowly broken down and will live once again.. I know it; but I am dissociative and the walls deflect me from going any deeper into any kind of solution or break through. My nervous system is trying to protect me...
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So; Im in recovery and will pray about what is needed best for my rehabilitation and for my condition in general on a daily basis...
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Things are hard; its lonely right now; real lonely as I slowly allow the acceptance and change to continue...
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Im realizing a few things; Those from my past that didnt like me; it wasnt personal; And thats hard but its true. They never wanted me or liked me the first minute they laid eyes on me; they had no interest in me and no interest in meeting me and it wasn't personal. And thats hard. The problem was; they must have given me hints to go home that first minute I met them; but I didnt see it or count it as important.. I mean; I think they were trying to send the message of; GO HOME!
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NOTE: And its all OKe; Im part of the trauma class not the middle class; most Middle classer's dont see me; dont value me; see nothing in me; They pass me up; the same way King Herod passed up Jesus...
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I just didnt see it or hear it; but I did or I wouldnt be reporting it here right now! So; I heard it but didnt count it as meaning much; and I dont know why! maybe I had something to prove or I wanted so badly to fit in or to be accepted or loved or many things; but the bottom line was; These were strangers; not my friends and they did not want to be friends with me or anyone like me; I think! No problem; I just move on. However; at the time I didnt leave; I just came back... I just kept coming back; Ya know! it must have bothered them at some point... In their own way; I was asked to leave many times I just didnt take the hint I guess... To bad I didnt.. really! It will be very costly at some point to my mental state...
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So; looking back; I dont know why I didnt take the hint and leave because the hint was given out the first moment I stepped foot into their lives or on their property... I was not wanted... so...
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So now! I can kind of see myself back then meeting these people and suddenly turning around; getting the message; leaving and never returning... Would have been so much easier if I just would have left the minute I got there... turned around and left. And never came back because I wasnt wanted anyway.
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If I had left; I would have gone home; got on my knees in my room and prayed out to God for the next step forward; and then worked with God to attract all the things I wanted in my life! It would have taken allot of work and I would have needed allot of support. As I do now. ( For I am now doing that thing. Im now starting over on my knees... Going in a direction of GOd; and its up to me to work a program of success based thinking and work with the universe GOd Jesus to create in my imagination a new life so strongly and believing so that it shows up...
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The goal today is to manifest what I want by the laws of attraction and working with the universe; thus; meditation; on my knees praying all the time and writing new stories of what I want!
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NOTE: An interesting concept has come up concerning music creation. I didnt realize; Part of my interest in the arts is not music and art; its being creative. And thus; I have to set aside time each day for pure creating. That is a kind of minor third area of my callings. I mean; Music art writing and such acting; but Ive never done any acting; I might; Im very old now... That kind of thing; the arts; thats my temperament. However; another side exists to this. Being creative... So; not only creating music and art but the creative process itself is yet another calling... So; I must be creative; simply sit down with my music gear and explore and experiment...
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Im interested in a new midi keyboard but I have to stay out of it; let the universe supply it... And thus be on my knees about it working with God for it. ( and I mean it; really; praying and meditating and everything until it aligns. Expecting GOd to do something about this and bring it) Or; show me a pathway of understanding that will work...
For some reason Im not ready to make a decision on it as if Im not ready for one. So; I have to stay out of it; at some point it will materialize... Ill see it in my head. But there is a lot of pain here. It may be that music is something I was suppose to do as a kid; and my childhood was ruined and destroyed and I was thrown away and possibly my mind does not want to get intouch with all of that... To sorrowful; the losses... So remembering the vulnerability and bright hope of being a musician young, brings up death-of-my-life for me. I have to stay out of it and let it materialize; in some respects; by getting a new keyboard; Ive moved on; thats what it means and I dont feel worthy to move on yet! But its starting; I can feel it wanting...
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Im starting to relive my classroom years in grade school; Its as if Im at the frequency again and the memories are slowly appearing more then usual. That is very very good sign. But this will be a rocky ride reliving those things. I can see where God is going with this; Ill relive some schooling experiences and then suddenly some after school experiences at home and on the weekends and maybe moments at friends houses when young or in their backyards. I remember; Im feeling the freedom of it.
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I think the universe is going to bring back those memories for me because it defines my identity before I was thrown away! and thus; that is the purpose of those video titles of my life... it becomes more then just watching my past in a derealization'd state. Its almost at my frequency where Im him now! Im myself now as I was then. not quite yet; lots of emotional conditions to work through.
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However, I can feel and see the development of my personality and Identity forming again into me again as I regain my mind again.
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First Love;
More information;
First; Im done with my first love; but I never will be... But I will be moving on from her but important information is always popping up that helps my recovery and absolutely astonishes me; its from the universe.
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So; Im sitting next to this affectionate women at the recovery meetings; and I realized as I was relaxed; and thats been happening more n more. And being outside is much easier than before... I feel much better...
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So; Im sitting at the meetings and this affectionate women is sitting next to me and she is always hugging me and everyone else... Well; not everyone!
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So; As she is sitting next to me! I realized; My God; this feels like my first love. I mean I started reliving my past as I was sitting next to this girl in the meeting; I saw myself sitting next to my first love in my imagination; It felt so real when I used to sit next to her. And I thought. How many times did I sit next to my first love; 1800.. How many times could I have put my arm around her or kissed her; 1800. So; what does this tell me... Why didnt I respond to my first love. That is the question.
THis tells me in the real world I could have married her or anything else regardless... And I have a hard time with that.
I keep looking for reasons or excuses that she was using me or leading me on or it was her fault or she never really liked me. Unfortunately the universe just wont allow this to happen; Thats not the truth. And for some reason the fact this girl liked me; This just sucks so badly! It sucks because it wasn't her fault. So; where was the fault; who had the pain; I did; but I didnt trust her; maybe; but did she do something to acquire that condition from me? No!
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SO; in my dissociative split mind; I have to look at what happened here. I was hit by trauma from my mother; and Ill look deeper at that. Lots of reasons why I acted ( acted out) the way I did; but was it her fault; no! She was fine; and it just grates on my nerves...
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I didnt fallow through with a relationship and I lost it. And Ill have to look at this more deeply; really deeply; So I dont repeat it. Ill have to look at what I did or didnt do; how I followed through or didnt follow through. For what went wrong in this situation will repeat itself if I dont change.
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Thats the whole issue God wants me to understand; Im trying to look at the dysfunction of all this relationship stuff that I can be present again in good order; And its starting because I can feel Im aligned with the universe right now.
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NOTE: Im trying to become independent from others; and learn to take care of my problems and become healthy again. Certainly Im not doing any of this alone; its the opposite; Ive got massive amounts of support people of different natures... I have GOd Universe; Laws of attraction success based thinking processes and I have online coaches of success I can watch on youtube... And recovery groups... meditation prayer. Writing of new stories for my life...
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OVER N OUT ON THIS SUBJECT!
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So; as I mentioned above; I can be aligned correctly if I see things correctly; Im trying to do with with a new music midi keyboard for the computer; no matter how hard I try. Im not aligning it. It doesn't seem to be aligning yet.. Somethings are strangely showing up; I dont get it... Ill keep working on it; keep writing stories about it... I dont know why this is so frightening and scary; it almost feels like Im going in the wrong direction... Ill have to talk to God about it...
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Maybe its not the keyboard; maybe its something else thats causing anxiety; Ill write on it... Something about starting again in music and Im triggering my past; a time period of insecurity and fear... fright. Man o man
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