June 2025
May 2025
Phase 2; is the next step in my social and activities development.
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In Phase one; The goal was to become a new more feeling connecting person again. Phase 1 lasted 6 years before completion. Completion of Phase 1 would be indicated by final work concerning my first love; it would be an authentic finishing of that relationship concept from the past. In a sense; Ive worked through my past; enough to now focus on my future; Im now free to focus on my future because the past is gone and its understood... That ability to focus on my future with no past; this ability is Phase 2.
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NOTE: A middle ground between phase 1 and phase 2; My first love. Altho much work as been done; I must go through the journey to accept that she was a criminal minded evil person; No one to love here. Nothing wrong with her; she was fine. I walked into a trap with someone That simply shallowly played me. Thats all it was; then walked away. No other reasoning or purpose accept the fun of it; thats the only reason; complete un-responsability; Just playing games with a stranger she knew she could get away with; that nothing would be done. She could get away with it. The key for me is to continue to wake up to this and come out of my dream state and run like hell in my memories to get out of there… this was pure evil; lawless; these type criminals see themselves as above the law; its that simple; Godless pure evil; Thats all this is or was. Its my responsibility to see this person for what they were; a predator against normal social people. And stop feeling anything for this person one way or the other. Im simply feeling something for a limerince based fantasy person that I masked over a criminal…
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Phase 2; The very beginning. Im in the beginning of phase 2. Ill be setting goals for my future and working with the laws of attraction and meditation and God; higher power. The goal is to manifest my future goals.. The goal is to align with a higher power ( working through my guidance system hooked up to the universe) completely and stay aligned. And stay aligned first before attempting to manifest anything.
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Phase 2 is about practice in the real world outside of my apartment ( I have agoraphobia); phase 2 is about assessing how well Im doing outside my apartment and seeing any adjustments that need to go on to get me back into alignment with my guidance system and the universe.
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Phase 2 is about getting and taking chances; getting help; communicating and getting feedback from my outer environment on how well Im doing. What changes I need to make and what direction Im going.
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FOr Yesterday the 5th December 2022
Im trying to understand that Ive attracted people at first; but when I speak and start telling the truth of where Im at; suddenly people disappear. They seem to reject me; to the point of; its like; ( Did I take a bath; or is it my breath); I mean; they stop being attracted.. or; they've liked coming over to me and saying something and leaving; but when I join them at a table; suddenly they are not interested anymore... Or; they had a power base before; I was an object in the corner and they felt comfortable with accepting me at that level; an object in the corner as a viewer of them; they wanted to be popular and viewed; but suddenly when I join them at their table they are friendly at that moment for a moment. And suddenly they are pulling away from me as if I hadnt taken a bath...
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It doesnt matter; but its at the 12 step groups I attend... I mean; seriously; maybe it is my clothing.. I mean... I dont know.. It could be something as simple as that... They were just trying to be nice at first; but when I decided I had social power and moved up close to them; suddenly they are not accepting me for who I really am.
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MANIFESTATIONS:
Its all no problem... but it is but its not. Im working with Manifestation and the Universe; so Ill meditate and the universe will bring the right people that are safe and suppose to be around me. Im simply reporting in on where Im at right now... How Im doing socially after learning how to move on from past relationships Im now facing...
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NOTE: Do I really care about what goes on in a 12 step group socially with a bunch of broken people like myself; Well! I do; to a point. Sure it matters; sure they matter; just as I matter; However, Im just beginning and dealing with a group of people brought together from different worlds to join in a recovery process; WHy would I think any of them are aligned with me at a deeper level; Thats what Im practicing and going to find out; Im just practicing right now...
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NOTE: Ive been mentally ill; and at this moment right now; maybe the first real time this type of practice has ever occured when its focus is on the present and not mixed with the PTSD problems of the past... Im more present and prepared for this next phase of my development. What ever that last boring paragraph means…
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Im reporting what its like to move on to Phase 2... In Phase 2 socially speaking; I start getting closer to others socially; taking some chances; and assessing what I find. And ill be making many of these blogs; reporting in on what I find socially; my social successes and failures and where Im at and what Ive been going through; how I view it and trying to understand the directions of what is working and what is not working socially. And learning what I want to correct and what I want to walk away from.
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I am attempting to move forward socially again in life; And this is just starting; Ive been trying a little bit for the last few days.. As I find myself more open.
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IM FINDING MYSELF AROUND MORE PEOPLE AND ATTRACTING MORE PEOPLE>
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Lately Ive noticed who Im around; who has given me hugs; who Ive sat with; who has come up to me and ask for things; like pens or paper... different things... Who have I been sitting with...
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As Ive moved on from the past; the best I can; in the last few weeks; IVe been attracting more people... or they have gotten closer physically and ive noticed more women around me; coming up to me; wanting stuff or talking to me. Im really at the very beginning of this. So; Im just reporting in on what is happening. Ive noticed what guys Im talking to as well; but they are not as important... they are but their not...
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FIRST LOVE; Lets not repeat what happened with her.
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The importance of my first love; I did not tell her the truth about where I was at in life... I gave off a picture of someone happy go lucky with confidence; but that picture broke down. And after awhile when she got a good look at who I really am; she laughed me off; wrote me off and was gone.. And that was that.
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Regardless of who she was; I learned a great lesson from all of this. It is better to announce to the world who I really am and then see who shows up. ITs better to announce to the world who I really am and use meditation and work with the universe on my goals for social success and evaluate who shows up and why or who does not.
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I have noticed something in this life; Ive noticed many people who did not accept me when they found out who I really am. THey ran from me... This stunned me in a way... It also told me the world is a cold shallow place? Well; a number of people can be cold and shallow and Im not around who the universe is sending me.
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ITs hard; but important to let the those in a group know who I am and who I am not! I can find out right from the beginning who may NOT Be interested in me...
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This doesnt mean people are telling me the truth when they say they accept me or act like they do. Im just trying to make a point; that as soon as some people know the real me; they are no longer interested in me... it hurts; its hard; but I would not know this about them unless I tell them the truth about myself...
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A MIRACLE...
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My primary social groups are 12 step groups I attend. ITs a mess; but its a beginning; is what it is; its a starting place. And its OKE. I mean; its an OK place to start with for being bran new in the social world. Bran new in my directions and goals and ability to be present.
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Ive been at these meeting for years; Ive been at these meetings as a reserved recluse with mental illness never getting close to some; and not opening up to some.
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Im now taking social chances at these groups... am I accepted? I dont know... I might think Im being accepted when in reality others think they are better then me or superior and they are just allowing me to be at their table.. Im not being accepted as an equal. And thats what im looking for...
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I am assessing my situation right now...
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One area Im realizing; Its all new and and Ive not even started meditation yet for my new goals and new future... ANd that will be on going.
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Im starting over socially now; just like I did when I was 14.... Ive mentioned that the universe( God) has aligned me back at the beginning of my 14th birthday; spiritually speaking.. Im back at that point. Now; with my higher powers help; ill be working with the universe on attracting a life again... This time aligned with a higher power and then Ill see what I attract this time under my higher powers guidance; what kind of life; who shows up.. Im in the adult world so.... Im not sure what it will all look like yet... Ill start imagining what I want.
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TELL THE TRUTH>......
So; in safe ways or means; Im learning to tell the truth....
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The greater goal is to get in touch with who I really am and pray from that stand point. Im trying to learn how to become my real self and act that out in real life. I want to be my authentic self and thus attract that authentic life of people and places and things that go with it... But first; I must be my real self first. So; this requires I practice in the real world where Im at right now; taking myself where Im at right now; and seeing how well I can be my authentic self; assessing how well I can be my authentic self. See where Im authentic and see when I switch out dissociatively speaking; See when I shut down or stop telling the truth; see where I start to dissociate from reality while around others...
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I believe with enough meditation the world will begin to change around me and pathways will show up leading me to the right social situations of the right people that will accept me for who I really am... They will get me; see me; feel me; we will be inline with each other... However; to find those people I must work with the laws of attraction and the universe and my higher power GOd... And that is what Im doing right now; its a kind of pre assessment of where Im at socially right now as I learn to spit out the truth of who I really am; and see the reaction of it...
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ITS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART>...
Non of this is actually easy; I mean. one minute it seems Im watching others get close to me; just to see them get repel away from me.
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ITs possible that when I join people at their table. they never wanted me there in the first place; and they are just trying to be nice for a moment; and suddenly I wake up to this fact after a short while.
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Its not easy dealing with rejection. However, THe much bigger picture is at hand right now.
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Im in a giant complete swing outwardly right now; very cautiously practicing in the outside world. Im learning to throw myself around others and see what I can learn about others and myself in social situations; thus assessing myself and others; assessing my behavior and the response of others while Im attempting to be my authentic self where Im at right now...
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I have a higher power....
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IVe noticed from the beginning of my life that I ended up around others; they had something I wanted; but they never wanted me; and when I found out what they were actually like; I left immediately... THey ended up being filthy scum bag low life acting people( They looked all educated and conservative on the outside) THey disgusted me.. I assume they disgusted most any decent person; not from how they dressed or their families bank accounts; but their secret real authentic selves... When I found out how they really felt about me or how they didnt value me as a human being the way they should have; I was out of there! This happened from the beginning of my life. This happened with both men and women and best friends to women I wanted to marry and have as a female best friend; I was tricked from the minute I met them; it was all a secret game for them to lead people on and destroy them; if only I had known from the beginning; maybe I could have saved myself…
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SO; My social situation has been jarred? from the beginning; never really around the right people that have the same authentic values that I do... I was never treated correctly. I walked into places I thought I would be respected for who I am; nothing could have been further from the truth; I was used and destroyed…
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So; right now; im just learning; taking social chances and watching and assessing right now.... Its not easy; being rejected or not accepted the way I want to be is never easy.
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Ive got a whole recovery process on my side; and success based working philosophy of study to go with this... Im working with a higher power.. I have a strong working day to day connection with my higher power. SO; Ive got a good deck a cards on myside right now as I learn how to live my life again...
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Im just saying; its ruff waters actually be out on the boat assessing what its like to be in the real world as I take chances.... Im just reporting in on what its really like to be out there...
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I believe; if I keep this up; keep working with prayer and meditation and have goals and work with the universe on pathways to those goals and learn how to receive what the universe is sending me in response to my desires; I believe the world will switch and change in front of me and at some point Ill start attracting what is aligned within me with my guidance system and my inner being and God...
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Right now; Im at the beginning of the beginning of the beginning. One could metaphorically speaking; say; Im at the beach; Ive taken my shoes off; and Ive waded out into ocean water by a few inches to see what this ocean thing is all about. Not staying in the water; I jumped back out and thus; sat on the beach and began to write about my adventures taking my first steps into the unknown..
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So; In the first phase; That lasted 6 years.. Ive been working on it for 6 years; Ive included many new people and sponsors and groups of recovery and processes from those groups and processes and techniques from my the universe and my higher power.
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The problem was; (IS); I had little if any feelings when associating in relationships; in fact; I really couldnt get into relationships; to mentally ill; not present; not able to handle anymore woundings from other people. I was over ran with overloaded stress from PTSD... Dissociative disorder was still in full swing...
I could not get close to someone with emotional intimacy. I was able ask out women; meaning pick them up; or shark on them; ask them out hard; get a phone number; and ways to suggest that if they wanted to sleep with me; I gave them the opening to do so if they wanted to suggest it! Id say yes! And many of them wanted to suggest it…
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IT got to the point that non of that mattered anymore. Years ago; I was asking women out and not sleeping with them; not following through. One problem; I was asking out attractive women but they turned out to have atrocious personalities. All it takes for me is one word and their gone… And this scared me that I could not find safe people to date.. I wasnt asking out safe people. I guess I didn’t feel good enough to ask out women that were good women or nice people.
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After a few weeks of dealing with these women; I lost interest very quickly; I deemed them usafe or my interests...
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I found I was not dating anyone I could have a relationship with.
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What about sex; Sure; I was attracting such things; but attracting sex created; (pause); Sex! It had nothing to do with a relationship or a friendship or developing a partnership for the future with someone. And sex did not develop me… I was stuck still not developed.
Nothing wrong with sex; The problem was; I could do nothing else; I mean; I could not get into a relationship with anyone regardless; I needed massive help in another direction.
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In fact; it may be emotionally and psychologically; if I just wanted sex; I would have to be able to be in a successful relationship with someone; have that confidence first and potential; only then could I choose to have sex with someone and do nothing else if we decided on that.. I needed to be back in the massive social fold of life; be back in life in the center of it.
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So; my relationship abilities were not functioning.
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Ive had mantel illness at horrendous levels; levels of being catatonic and schizophrenic like; levels of complete non functioning.
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WOMEN:
I practiced through a lot of years to come back to a point of being able to interact with people again. The interactions were fewer and very hard; but I did show I was getting somewhere with all the work and the social techniques I was learning. What great Grammar skills I have!!!!
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I was able to get phone numbers and finally call people back and talk with them; I think the last women I talked to I was fairly successful on the phone with consistent communication. The next step would have been to ask her out; but the problem was; She was not someone I wanted to date.
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So; I found a dilemma as I was slowly coming back to reality; I was spending my time around women that I did not want to date or were already with someone else. This was most frustrating; it was almost like I was a 12 year old around a bunch of my Aunts; and they babbled and gaggled over me and princ'd and prat n stuff; and gave me attention; and that was great; I was learning again how to be near human beings; the problem was; they were more like my Aunts; they were not people to date...
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So; I hit one of my first major walls; I was to emotionally young to be in a relationship; to actually establish one... THe mental illness; I had regressed back to a 6 year old. And later I was slowly rehabilitation-ing slowly with Gods help; back through certain developmental lessons that would allow me to mature to an older emotional age.
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NOTE: My inability to follow through is much worse or a giant problem then just maturity; its about deep set damage from trauma and dissociation. My mind will not allow me to see what is causing the protect mode; that means bad things happened Im not ready to deal with.
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Maturing to an older age was one of the major goals of the first phase
Being able to communicate when I had a need or a problem or advice from the women around me and those I was interested in; This was another goal of the first phase..
working through all past resentments of relationships where I was defeated or broken or broken hearted; This was a goal for the first phase...
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All of these goals have been met for the first phase: Phase 1.
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First Love; Second phase goals;
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New discovered problems associated with My First Love. Ive found that altho I feel much freer; When out and about; when giving back to life; suddenly Im triggered and remember wanting to give all that I had to my first love; I see her in my heart and mind; I see where I was flirting with her or giving her attention or wanting to be her friend and take care of her and adhore her...
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So; When movement is involved and involvement in a thing out in life; it triggers another side of the cube concerning my first love; my past; and many other things…
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So; One of main goals of Phase 2; Clean out all triggered thoughts of first love when Im out and about living my life outside; outside doing things.
When Im doing things I suddenly get lonely and want companionship to go with all my endeavors; and my first love shows up in my nervous system and my mind and takes right over.
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Its allot of people and allot of things.
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It just hasn't been long enough for the ghost of my first love to be out of my life and nervous system and mind. ALtho I haven't actually seen her or heard from her basically since 16 years old. And Im old now; and so that was a long time ago... but that doesn't really mean anything to me... Im just now dealing with it.
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Ya; Going out side for the first time as a Newer-B; a human being; living with clarity... I was awake in childhood; I was awake at the beginning of my 14th birthday; Im now attempting to wake up again…
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So; Im talking about learning how to hook up around others or talk to others so its a network kind of thing. Im not ready but I kinda am; its like starting a new video game that seems to complex but it wont hurt anything to try..
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The idea with my first love is to forget her completely when outside and move on... move on with other thoughts of other people; start training my brain for a new world outside without my first love in it.
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NOTE: Ill continue to work through around with the information of my First love; And I will get carried away with the horror she was. However; one thing remains; the main problem I had with her was not following through with her; I needed an army to stand up and be held up so I could face something; anything; trauma has kept me down… SO I need help if Im going to face something or someone for something real. Ill need lots of help.
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What ever the goal is; it wont be done alone! Ill need the help of a whole lot of people that are connected in…
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